How do you cleanse a soul
                      That wants so much
Yet is given nothing.
                                   Cry those tears
Say those words
                                                                   Allow yourself to feel.
Well when that happens
                                 Those emotions crash like a wave
Wow,
          Who know it was possible to feel like this?

Well I have,
                    my entire life
Back to square one,
                                this relentless self-worth
No one's felt back,
                              that useless desire
So why should I bother to let myself feel?
            It always ends the same
Back in this spot,
                            Weapon poised straight in hand.
Maybe this is all I'm meant to be.
            A strange person behind a name
                                             and a pen.
There is no where left to turn
                       No one left to call
So what happens now
                                     When I feel even less than before
                                     When there's nothing to look forward too
No,
        Not anymore.
I turn my back on nothing,
                                    Just let it slide
Return if you want,
                                I can spare no more effort.
These things never have validation
                               So I wait for the first move
For someone to show
                                  that yes I'm Intriguing
                                                      Interesting
                                       Though quiet.
To show me that it's possible.
                              That I'm not just a laugh riot.
But that's how this faded,
                        How time has passed
                                               but there is no real change.
Without acting upon desires,
                                                my feels,
                                                                 my concrete thoughts.
I let others influence
                          Allow their words to sink in
Sometimes this is good.
                                      But when you know what you want
Just go for it.
                     There will be no regret,
Because at least you tried.
             Right now I see no reason to try try, try.
I'll wait a little longer
                        Until this knot in my throat
Finds somewhere else to hide.


**July 15, 2013

Clearly it's not known
                  Otherwise this turmoil would have been avoided.
The Power to Entice,
                       Intrigue,
                  To Better,
                  To Breathe.
The striking power of a helpless soul
                    With so much strength
She crashes down.
                  Into a place never thought Real.
Only growth is required
                                   To possess what you desire.
The strength is there,
                                waiting to be used.
Bottled up,
                  building pressure.
                                 Concentrate the inferno
Go where you want,
                                let nothing
                                  Interfere.

Mind and Heart have switched places.
          The Heart will always cherish you,
                                    Keep you near
               Because you unconsciously provide less fear.
    The Mind knows this impossible,
                                           Absolutely no worth.
So this 10% beginning to fade
As maybe the rest already has.
                            Just a tiny glimmer of light
                                Never a reason to shine bright.
So back to waiting,
                                it never ends.
This time will be easy...
                                       I won't feel every second.

It just feels so clear to me
                   So painful that you don't see
To paint a beautiful word-filled picture
                 Would be a waste
                   And absolute blister,
On the side of your life
                                     too many complications
I won't add more,
                              said mostly all my thoughts.
It's time to make the bed,
             Let go of the Tokens
                                  Simple Memories.
Pains the heart as meanings change
             But there was never anything for you
                                     Anyway.


**July 15, 2013

I'm pretty sure this is over
             Only one fight
All we've ever had.
          No communication
                               Only yelling,
                                                      Co­ntrol
Fight to be heard.
                So you left.
                                   Walked away,
Turned around before all was done.
             What happens now when
                                         No other door seems to be open.
Does this end,
                       Do I take back?
Because you never gave me anything.
                                          I never asked for return.
I will not point fingers,
                                      or try to place blame.
This is simply a situation
                            That I'd rather not be in.
So when you are ready,
                                 Please do come around
I just hope some things are different.
                                     Not too lost to be found.
Yet if you come back,
                            and I feel an attack.
This is it,
               I am done.
                                  No Turning Back.



**July 15, 2013

Sometimes when I think too much my
brain just turns to mush.
But it still works
The neurons still firing
The blood still pumping
Still searching for the logical
                                               Illogical.

This is my release
                             how it pours forth.
Feelings were never allowed...
At least the feelings I had
                                           Have.
Not the feelings I was 'supposed' to have.
They were and are irrelevant because they are
                                                             ­              Not Yours.
What felt by me never accepted,
                             Never even allowed to say.
So Now.
               When I want to communicate my feelings
                          My desires
                          My Love
                                                 I cannot.
There is just below
                              Zero self worth.
How could there be any?
When were there moments where this
           Was good enough
                                            When I was more than expected?

These words
                    and painful concentration
are all I've ever had.
                  Validation of these words my only worth,
Yet I always feel they could be better...

Maybe it takes a while to Trust,
                            Maybe I Trust too easily
I always seem to feel scorned
             Thought I had one solid Friend
                    With which that did not happen
Nothing was a competition,
                                             everything was fair
                                              everything could share
Except not,
                   because I know you don't share all
                         And won't bare forth
                   So why am I expected to melt?
My being cast down by this constant light
               Burning my flesh,
                                               my spirit to the ground.
4, 5 feet,
              How many left to travel?

Then there is You.
                            I think of you...
in the back of my mind and these words
                                            Find Breath.
Everything breathes easier with you.
So I cherish those moments,
                    Those moments where maybe
I actually felt like Me.
                                  or who I want to Be.
So those Tokens remain important
                      As do You.
And my wish,
                      that I cause Smiles...
                      Small moments of bliss
                      As easily as you do for me...
I try so hard, yet it remains
                                              A wish.

When I walk,
                      I constantly kick the gravel
The weight of my head
                                     too much for my neck...
This piling dirt too heavy to withstand.
                     Confidence gone,
                                                  if ever actually there.
I assume that there is nothing
                 No future reference
                                      of
              ­                            Me.
These words my actual thoughts,
                One place I'm allowed to be Real.

Things change after moments
                                       which we cannot take back.
All I want is to feel appreciated
   To feel like I Matter
Life I make an influence,
                                       That I can Impact
That my presence does make a difference.
        All I want is to go back to how it was,
                                      Before actions turned things around
       As I knew they would.
                                             Which is why things stay Hidden.

Just accepted that No one will feel.

       But I want us to grow.
            Become better than what was.
You don't have to change your actions,
                                    That would be changing You.
I already love You.
                                Wouldn't want to change.

How do I learn to communicate verbally?
                   Without this pen as my
                                                          Stri­king Weapon.
How can I feel comfortable
                                  Saying my inner emotions?
Always vulnerability
                                 Always fear.
But with You
                     somewhere I Know
           You're Listening.
                                      So this paper version of Me
is given Breath.
                         Forced off the page and is Real.
How I wish that Power was Known.
        So here again left with these thoughts,
                             Always Searching
Not always relevant.
                      But if I could just ask a question...

What does your brain prattle on about?
                  When no one is talking,
                   When things are quiet,
                   When walking, driving,
                                                        ­ Being Alone?
What happens inside,
                                  Where does the mind run?
Because if someone has a way
                  To turn this off,
                  To preoccupy with something else
                   To make this Stop.
I urge you to share.
          Then again,
                               it must be boring in your mind...
Sometimes it leads to an adventure,
                                   An incredible concept
                                   A beautiful Thought.
   How many have you had?
Why must I be the one to change?
              Learn who I Am.
                        Who I am becoming.
Do not force ideals down my throat.
                            My opinion is strong,
                                        This often obvious.
Do not feed me lines
                                 and hurtful phrases when I know
You've done the same,
                                   done worse
         And Smile and the memories.

Recognize that I am a Person
              With strong,
                                        cognitive Thoughts.
Feeding me these lies
                                   and Tantrums
will send me the opposite way.
                There is no instructing
                            Guidance.
               ­                       Act of Love.
Simply commands.
                                 Follow orders.
When told not to push the red button
            Do you not desire to
                                              Only push the button?
Stop giving me reasons
                   But also know that a lot of this is
                                  For Me.
Not to make you mad,
                                    Or go against you purposely.
I want these things,
                                    Desire for many years.
It's unfortunate you do not approve,
                                             That it will disappoint
                                                 But it will Happen.

All that is left is this hell bending effort
              to say how I feel
Regardless of the outcome
                 Because I cannot live life
Without acting upon my
                                            Desires.





**July­ 11, 2013

So the token was found
It's here and now.
Find comfort in the physical.
Something to hold.
It's real.
The texture, the feel
And I Know it was real.
It was not just a beautiful dream.
It was Beautiful life.
I with the power held was known.
If not for me, then just to know it possible.
That you could have the everlasting
If you believe in it.
If you want it.
I don't know why I am here
Or why our paths seemed to magically cross.
Fate, destiny? "Meant to be"
If we just wait, things will turn out exactly as they are supposed to be.
That's just it.
This giant waiting game with almost nothing to keep me holding on
But here I am.
This grip is strong.
I could not let go even if I wanted.
So I'm 10% waiting.
90% there.


                                                                                                               **July 6, 2013

I've all these Tokens...
        Tangible
                       and not.
That remind me of you
         When I think of you
          Because of you
              All of You.
                                   That Random Smile...
                                                                         Yours.
So when I lose that one
                 There was anger,
                                              frustration,
                                Sadness.
                                  Lost.
Yet there is still the memory
               of where we were
                    what we did
         And maybe you still have yours...
That would cause my heart to soar
        Because maybe you care
                     Maybe it meant something.
So Yes;
             I'm still on the hook
               Whether wanted or not

It's still the cat.

                            So I cannot let go
                                                         Not Yet.
Still holding onto that 10% hope
                    Until something forces it gone.





**July 5, 2013

INTERACT*                                                       ­                           CLARITY
                          ­                                        
  
                 Passed This;                                                            ­          Will happen once
                                     There...                                                         ­ Everyone gives in,
        All that is Hate.                                                            ­              and lets go.
                                    Gone.                    ­                                          So many unneeded things.
      Not possible                                                         ­                         Purely Want.
They,                                                      ­                                             Let go of the
           maybe We                                                               ­                  Manufactured Desire.
                Past This?





*June, 25 2013