"You're my tool. I hope you remember that"*

The words were whispered to her
By a figure, sitting, cigarette clenched
Not yet lit; A lighter is tossed in her direction
She knows it isn't about their ego
It's a statement of her loyalty

Bends down on one knee
Kindles it with a match instead
Lighter still clutched in her hands
She walks out, leaving it on the table
Just beside the door

you said "i can show you four days in which you died." i replied, "i didn't know you were watching." you sat down and put your face in your hands, i stood up and walked out.

some days you follow me with that camera of yours. i play the part; i look at the sky, i pigeon-toe my feet to look trendy for your lens. but i'm sick of swallowing your gray muck.

i need a change. i need out. those four days in which you say i died were the only days i've felt alive.

i will miss the vase in which you always place flowers. the blue and orange ones were my favorite. i told you that once, but you were too busy with your threads, knitting and knitting yourself away from me.

i'll also miss your hand, it used to feel so warm on my stomach. lately, though, lately, it's all so hazy. i can't remember the last time i really saw you.

so continue on, don't pause for me. in an hour i will be merely a stream of thought of a life you'd like to live. you never did have the guts to leave this place. i'm glad i do.

so hold on to your camera and the trendy things you crave.

i'm headed to a place where ideas, theories, concepts thrive, where the mysteries of life reign hard, and the petty place we lived is no more to me.

"it'll get easier"
they say
"holidays won't be so hard forever"
they say
"christmas will be better next year"
they say
"it won't hurt so much after a while"
they say
"mom'll come back someday"
they say
"she'll come to her senses"
"she'll realize her mistake"
"she'll miss her family"
"the kids won't forget about their big sister"
"she won't disappear again"
"you're gonna be fine"
"it'll all sort itself out"
"just be patient"
"it was your dad's fault"
"she was crazy"
"give it time"
they say.

they
(whoever they are)
do a lot
of talking
but not enough
to make today
feel alright
because i can't look anywhere
without seeing us down by the lake
with watermelon dripping down our chins
and scraggly weeds
growing inbetween the rocks

i miss that thing i used to have

f                    
                    a
            m


        i                 ­       
                                     l


                                                             ­              y

i am a little in love
mind you...
only a LITTLE
with a deaf boy...

he says things with his eyes
you wouldn't believe
and touches me
like you would never understand
i don't even
understand
he is so sweet

i have never liked boys
who don't hear me out
who don't listen to me
it is
mind-boggling

words are
overrated

Shopping mall close to closing time

Neat rows of carefully designed family packs

10 000 square meters and me

Sweet serenity

At the counter - sudden confusion!

Failing to pack the things in a smart way

Thinking of what the bag lady just said

"Moose postcards! Do you have moose postcards here??"

i have learned very well
how to be awake.
my best teacher
and the one that was most interested
in seeing me succeed
was
Nightmare
along with his mentor
Trauma
and their friend
D
i
v
o
r
c
e
.
.
.

...they have taught me well enough
to make sure
i will never sleep
again
they have helped Tired
unpack from the back of my mind
and move into the new space
that just became available
behind my eyes
they have really
been looking out for me
every single day
these last two years
and i really owe my success
to them.

Divorce,
Trauma,
and
Nightmare,
you are excellent
at what you
do
and i commend you
for your
diligence