We were young in those days,
Cheerful and alive,
So full of innocent ignorance,
Silly in our minds,

You grew older,
I stayed young,
Young at heart but not at mind,
And I still can't tell which way you went,

You changed often,
Your looks; your style,
But you never stopped shining,
Radiating your beauty,

We were older now,
Your mind in other places,
Focused on more important things,
Too occupied to fit me in,

I missed you,
I missed you very much,
I was angry because I wanted to be young with you again,
Oh how I missed you,

The last thing I remember is saying goodbye,
Your long blonde hair flowing out the door,
But how could I have known that it would really mean it;
Goodbye.

If I had known,
I would have said more,
Embraced you,
Smiled at you and touched you.

Now I look at you in your bed,
Golden hair never to grow,
Pretty face never to smile,
And delicate chest never to rise and fall,

And I realize that all this time,
Maybe, just maybe,
If I had tried hard enough to reach you,
We could have been young again.

It's snowing outside and
I'm in bed watching through the window
Singing love songs
Asking if I'll be cold all winter
In more ways than one

She had eyes like a horse.
Big eyeballs, but lids that couldn't contain them.
Her eyes were all seeing, always wanted to burst out of the small slits.
Almond shaped, her family teased them saying she was Asian.
Such big eyes, but such thin slits.
As if there was something behind them that needed to be held back.
Almost as if God created her knowing she would need less space for tears to run down.
Those eyes trained her over the years to let the pipes of her mind well.
To fill until it was utterly impossible to keep the water detained.
Those slits were more like levees right before Katrina came.
Strong until a stronger force reckons with it.
They held it all in for her.
Slits that thought they were saving her from her own emotions.
Levees that were suppose to stop the water, Levees that save the public
However, they were drowning her.
An accumulation of emotions that only she had to face.
Alone, in her own ocean.
Oh, those small slits and her horse eyes.

Your Los Angeles apartment and I,
We’ve both been abandoned,
Abandoned and forgotten
To your never-ending travels.

I think you heard me say
I hated you,
But I only hate you,
Because I love you so deeply that my love renders me helpless,
And I hate to feel helpless.

Your bed and I,
We both miss your weight,
And wait,
Your sheets and I,
We miss your touch,
That touch you give her so freely
God, I hate Philly.

I think you heard me say
I hated you,
But I only hate you,
Because I love you do deeply that my love is making me feel out of control,
And I hate feeling out of control.

Your front door and I,
We both want to welcome you home,
Because with us, you are really home,
Whether you know it or not.

I think you heard me say
I hated you,
But I only hate you,
Because I love you so deeply that my love is making me blind,
And I hate not seeing the truth, Jason.

And when we argue and fight, all I know is love
When I'm not your priority, all I know is love
When you're smiling and I'm dialing, all I know is love
When you're crying and I'm fuming, all I know is love

Please don't teach my heart to hate
Even when this strong feeling begins to abate
I'll just hope time is on my side and love won't be late
All alone in my somber coldness, I'll have to wait

And when I don't fit the description of a perfect lover, all I know is love
And when my inadequacies are all you see, all I know is love
When there's another heart filling you up in the dark, all I know is love
When you don't have time to see me, all I know is love

Please don't teach my heart to hate
Even when this strong feeling begins to abate
I'll just hope time is on my side and love won't be late
All alone in my somber coldness, I'll have to wait

When I cannot be there to share the care and long stares, all I feel is love
When I cannot kiss you, other lips should bruise you and if that kiss does confuse you, all I still feel is love
Even when your youth leads you to selfishness and contains you in your pride, I'm proud to still love you
And when I cannot afford to purchase threads to keep you warm or jewels to decorate your glamour, My heart is still yours as a treasure...

Please don't teach my heart to hate
Even when this strong feeling begins to abate
I'll just hope time is on my side and love won't be late
All alone in my somber coldness, I'll have to wait

And when there's nothing left to give, I'll wish you happiness I cannot seed
And when my actions of affection are forgotten, may the fading picture fly to the stars, where the moon will manufacture a new chance
And when I am not the lover you dreamed of, I hope leaving you will pave the way for your true King's kingdom.

Speechless cannot hold
The emotion
I feel essential to express

                                                   My


                   Sensitive



                                                 Eccentric



                      &




                                        Endeared


Cancer man.

                                    You
                              Cannot
                            Even
                        Fathom
                      The
                    Restraint
                  It
                Takes
              To
            Stay
          Speechless

Sometimes I dream of scratching and digging viciously at his skin
As if I am trying to take back what I lost inside of him
What he tore away from me without my permission

Four years later and
I still cringe

He was so many firsts
First boyfriend
First 4 hour phone call
First person to see me naked
Undeniably bare and fresh and perfect
My body like an untouched lump of clay
Waiting for his hands to twist, mold, and taint it
First relationship
First time my body was a scale
He was so much weight

He never stopped
Especially after he would hear me utter “no”
He took away so much of me

Compromise was turning off the lights
Shutting my eyes as tight as they could go
Until it was all over
And I could breathe again

What was it that coerced him to finger me under the blanket in front of my siblings?
What was it that compelled him to ignore all of the no's?
What was it that drove him to take me upstairs to my bed while my own grandmother was just a room away and ****** himself inside of me without my consent?
What was it that made his hands cause every single centimeter of my skin to flinch?
Will I ever be forgiven for the sins I did not commit, but unintentionally created?

After it happened
My sanity seemed to be a balancing act
I felt like an old, empty museum
An eviscerated monument
Something that used to hold so much worth
Something that was now meaningless
Futile
And
Disgusting


Shortly after, denial surfaced
It took over and replaced my name
Every single minute of every single day
I was telling myself over and over and over
That it never happened
All in an attempt to make it go away
Doing everything I could to prevent myself
From ever admitting it
Doing everything in my will to forget
But failing so miserably

I called it an armed robbery
As if he could bust through my chest
Tear open my ribs
And steal everything that made my heart dance
And then nail its wings to his filthy trophy wall

For a long time after 
I was careless
A fallen angel
Looking for love
In the same way in which I lost it
Looking for love
In the same way in which I got to know pain and hurt intimately
It was a continuous game of innocence being lost

I was a lost and forgotten treasure
Living in a garden of destruction
Scared and ****** up and doing everything that I thought I needed
Thirsting for all of the medicine that I thought they had

I was stuck in the greatest darkness of my life
As I tried to convince myself that the men I met along the journey
Were my only light
I couldn't help but to seek safety in other people
For it was in another person that I lost all sense of my own security

I was someone who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone
There was constant bloodshed in my head and in my heart

So I did the things I did hoping I could make it all rewind
Go back to the very first day when I wasn't strong enough to get up and leave
After all of my thousands of insistent no's were intentionally ignored and thrown aside

I was disgusted with myself
Constantly putting myself down
Tearing myself apart
From the inside out and the outside in

Most days I would feel ***** (somedays I still do)
Contaminated
Defiled
Repulsive

It was hard to keep praying to someone who had me on hold
When all I wanted was for someone to hold me
Or at the least,
Something to hold on to

I think back and can't help but recall
How difficult it was to breathe in public

I felt hardened
I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault
To remind me that life is suffering
And existing is a coincidence
And that I am only a witness to half of it

I suppose that intimacy is the art of licking wounds
Because it has taken me years to let anyone kiss me
with my lips chapped
and my body tense
my eyes flitting
and my heart hiding

Four years later and
I still cringe

My father is always talking about how strong I am
He is so proud of my resilience that it sometimes makes me uneasy
He loves to brag about me to other people
Saying that I am capable of anything and everything
All because of everything I have been through and all that I have overcome

But the thing is
He doesn't even know half of it
He has no idea about what happened four years ago
About what continued to happen after that day

Now that time has passed
And I have finally healed (somewhat)
There's no denying that a part of me
Will always ache and burn because of this
But I have realized that
I am not the one who is broken
He is,
The monster who did this to me

And nothing has been stolen from me
Because my body is not a castoff
And there is nothing that sits inside of me
Bearing my worth

There is no trinket that can be seen
Touched
Or taken
****** from my stomach
Only to be left somewhere on the concrete
Or buried deep within a dumpster
And lost forever

Yes, something was seized from me
That I will never get back
But I refuse to watch myself collapse

I have heard that one in three women will be
*****
Or sexually abused
In their lifetime

Well,
I am one of three daughters

Four years later and
*I still cringe