I regret the days I have to mind her.
How horrible is that?!
I listen to her as she tells me my Da's horrible
and I grit my teeth.
She asks me my kids names....again
and I bite my lip.
She talks about my granny
and I rein my temper in.
What did she do to deserve tbis?
Fed me, clothed me,
Held me and loved me.
I remember my teen years
And am swollen fat on regret.
Would love to sit on a bench
With her and her alone
As she was ten years ago
And tell her what she meant,
Means and will always mean to me.
I'd tell her now but
She'd only forget.
And I'll go to my grave
Swollen with regret

The night stretches before me
Dark and unforgiving
Beckoning me
Into it's complete silence.
It terrifies me and draws me in.
My jaws aches from clenching
Against my screams.
It's relentless in it's pursuit
Of my soul.
My fear knows no bounds.
Morning arrives
And I sigh with relief,
Sit back
And wait for the night.

How she loved!
She loved how
He made her laugh,
Loved how he held her
While they danced.
Loved how he stroked her face
When he thought no-one was watching
Loved how emotional he got
At the first scan.
Loved how he loved
Their child
Loved how he stared at her
And promised to love her forever
Loved how he asked how she was
When they learnt he was sick.
Loved how grateful he was
For a glass of water in bed
Loved how he tried
To make her laugh instead of cry
Loved how he held their child
Even though his arms were so weak
Loved how he let her cuddle in
As his breathing slowed
Loved how even when he was gone
The memory of him brought joy to her heart.
Loved how when anyone asked her
What she had done with her life
She could look them in the eye
And honestly declare
"I truly loved‘"

Can i wrap my arms
Around a ghost?
I'll hug myself
And wish it was you.
Wish you were here
To talk to me,
Love me,
Scold me
And hold me.
God, I miss you.
***

Thoughts and emotions
Are running high.
So won't someone please
Tell me why
I can't write down
In any way, the things
I really want to say??
Is this what they call
Writer's block?
What a total
Pile of ****!!
Frustration has me
Pulling my hair!
No inspiration
From anywhere!!!!
Had a glass too many
So can't even think!
**** it!
I'll just have another drink

Ask me how I am.
Really ask.
Deny my lies
And call me on it.
Pick a chisel
And crack my
False exterior.
Reach out your hand
And stop me from falling,
From drowning
In my tears.
Pride is my sin,
-one of many-
So I (privately)
Implore you;
Save me!

She held my hand
And dried my tears.
Comforted me
And eased my fears.
Yet now she struggles
To remember my name.
God is playing
A cruel game.
She's not here,
But she's not dead.
The future fills
My heart with dread.
She lives in her memories,
Trapped in the past.
The illness has taken over
So fast.
But I smile with her
And lend my ear
Because one day she
Will no longer be here.

I am the tree,
That gave birth to the branch.
So how are it's leaves fading
While my roots are still healthy?

I nurtured the branch
And poured my life-force into it.
So how have I failed
In my job?

Where's the axe-man?
Call him to me.
For without my branch,
I am nothing

A goodnight kiss
So gentle and brief
Like the brush of a snowflake
As it touches a leaf.

I loved you then
And i love you now.
Do you still love me?
And if so, how?

I'm the bad one,
The cancer, the rot in your life.
The mother of your children,
The one you call 'wife'

I'm a liar, a gambler,
A thief of laughter.
But you love me still
And forever after.

Pour your heart out
On a whim
Time to be judged,
Sink or swim.

Best friend,
But prettier.
Love and jealousy;
bitter enemies
Are now constant companions.

Nail a smile
To my face
And pretend I'm okay,
Not hurting inside.

Does he wish
I were her?
Do they feel sorry
For the 'b' grade mate?

She wants what I have.
I want what she has.
We laugh,
But are we truly happy?

The demons crawl
Under my skin.
They show themselves.
Occasionally.
When my inhibitions
Are lowered
& my hackles are up.
Testing, daring,
Taunting & scaring.

Why would I fear you?
I put you there.
Look at me.
See me.
you should be scared!

How do I express my feelings?
For years I've built
This shell to protect me.
But that doesn't mean
I'm an empty well.

Lower your bucket,
Have your fill.
But don't leave me empty.
I don't know how to recover.

Golden threads tie me to you,
Ever so gently I test their limits.
A punisher of self; I can't stop.
How much more can they take?

A life devoid of sorrow,
The master of my own misery.
The paths are set.
It's time to pick one.

Time to let happiness live here.
Time to bask in the love of others.
Time to laugh, instead of cry.

Don't ruin it.
Don't blame others.
Don't drag yourself back down.

You win.

The opeining of eyes and my heart fills with love,
The waving of arms and I cry.
A miracle.  An angel sent from above
For whom I would gladly die.

The first smile, the first laugh, the first tooth.
Memories all carefully filed.
You are the most precious thing in my life
My beautiful; my gorgeous; my child.

A devilish temper, an angelic smile
An army of curls, thick and glossy.
The warmth of your body as I hold you the close.
The queen, undeniably bossy.

I'll hold your hand for as long as you let me,
Protect you and hold you close.
I'll love you as long as there's breath in my body;
This is my solemn oath.

The first smile, the first laugh, the first tooth.
Memories all carefully filed.
You are the most precious thing in my life.
My beautiful; my gorgeous; my child.