I am a work in progress

sometimes I put myself on hiatus
the only way to get off it I guess is to get back to it
my words reflect my growth, however stagnant it appears
and like a ghost I left my imprint here
and the only way to move on is to let go

someone needs to work with me and decide where I go
constructively criticize my character development
how to shift from static to dynamic
build my plot, don't let me stay too long on the exposition
build me a ****** that gently lets you down

don't let me let you down or stop you from living
think of me fondly, the ending's just the beginning
I've recently understood I'm a fountain of endless possibilities  
the road is long
the journey wide open

sometimes i forget you’re deaf--- yeah I know, my voice sometimes sounds like yours, but remember you’re seeing my cameo appearance

sign language gives me the ability to see what you feel, the nuances that makes you, you, and hopefully you see that in me too.

my eyes trace the curl of your lips, the lifts of your cheekbones, the crinkles of your eyes, Not because you’re pretty (tho Im sure you think you are), not because I'm creepy, but because it’s my method of carrying on conversations. In your eyes are where I find your words, the verity on your cheeks, the tone on your lips.

Seeing as I can do that, DO...YOOOUU...STILLL...NEEEED...TOOO...TAALLK....LIIKKEE...THIISS­? **** NO. Over-enunciation is a thing and I don’t need that *******. I’m deaf, not dumb.

When people ask me, “Did you hear that?!”......HAHAHAHAHHA

There’s also that moment when you can’t distinguish whether your mom’s yelling at you cuz she mad or cuz you can’t hear

One of the best moments ever is like when I turn on my hearing aids and I’m waiting, like I get this start-up music, like windows pc, right? And like whammo! It’s Claritin-HEAR.

That awkward moment when you’ve asked someone to repeat 4 times and you still don’t understand what they said... :/

Calling on the phone. Let me see if I can get you to visualize this:
Ring Ring. Picks up
Hello, may I know whom I’m speaking to?
-Yes, this ---- Im here to talk about---. Is-----ome?
What, can you repeat that?
-Yes of cou--- to talk about---
Wait, Wait. Hold on, let me get my sister.
-Why? It's not---
Here you go.
*Done with conversation

I’ve got other examples: there’s the African accent of my family and friends from Africa. There’s the too quiet, can’t possibly speak louder than a whisper, there’s the too fast for my shirt. There’s the simple phone call from the dispatcher/sales person...There’s too much confusion on both ends and frustration when people on the other end must think you’re rude for wasting their time. I just got to the point that I would sometimes ignore phone calls because I’m not in the mood to embarrass myself not hearing anything they say.

Buzzfeed. I love Buzzfeed. I love gossip. Buzzfeed is important gossip. Buzzfeed seems to be becoming more accessible to the D/HH community. I can watch it with accurate, in sync captions. It’s great. But for some reason, I can’t hear the video and read the captions at the same time. Puzzling. To me, you’re saying either I hear, or don’t hear. Either/or, your topics are all in the gray, yet I can only be deaf or hearing you say?

I’m in between, your words I need to see, the sounds I need to feel, the residual hearing gives me a taste of the message you want to convey to me.

Thank you technology for granting me access. Thank you humanity for blurring my view. Thank you Youtube for “speech-to-text” captions. It’s a work in progress that seems to work 0% of the time. Smart t.v.s and their hi def and their apps and music. It's so smart that the moment the HDMI cord marks the moment of completion, they never considered the hi def to to be as important as the captions are to the deaf. Sharp, pixelated images has nothing to do with the ability to hear. So Im sitting here, watching my smart tv without the captions wondering if they will ever understand the difference

Deaf and dumb. You’re either/or. Like the reason you didn’t understand can’t be attributed to the lack of paying attention. What’s wrong with you, you deaf or dumb? It's an oft-uttered phrase. Its a subliminal stereotype that bites me. The fact that it's in the same line as dumb, you gotta put let us know what you mean. You’re so deep in your conversation, like we’re not stuck in the dark ages. You didn’t mean that, yet it faze me. Everybody’s fighting back stereotypes, mine just happen to be a “melting ***.”
You’re so pretty for a black girl,
You’re so pretty for a deaf girl.
You’re so smart for a girl,
you run so fast for a girl.
You talk so good for a deaf girl,
you talk so white for for a black girl.
Yeah, I heard you. Inaudible. Selective hearing has its perks.

I’m offended that you’re offended by my lack of attention. Of my rudeness. Oh you’re doing me a favor? Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Whisper in my ear when I ask you to repeat----hello, Deaf here?
Yell to make up for my understanding----louder doesn’t mean clearer. Even talking to me in the dark, don’t even try  that. You’re blocking my sensory input.

Second-guessing:
-did my phone go off?
-did someone call my name? It’s too risky finding out, continues walking
-is my music too loud? Yes, no, maybe so? Yea? No music then
-home alone: what sound is that? My breathing, the wind, someone opening the door in the basement, never-mind that, I can’t hear it anyways.
-Is mom mad yelling or am I dreaming her voice...
-ice cream truck. Nuff Said

Only the lonely the lone river sighs
Seeking the answer that lies in its path
Searching, its currents pounded each rock
Overturned every pebble
Eroded every cliff
The lone river stood still
The lone river crashed on


Shoulder to shoulder, bank to bank
Climbed every crevice, overflowed every ditch
The answer has to be here somewhere
It created its own path
It screamed in tempest
Raged on in storms
The lone river in flux
The lone river overflowed

It greeted the sky at its moment of rebirth

Looked on and sighed
The lone river let go

My heart slowed down, thudded
Breath caught in my chest
I closed my eyes inevitably
Fear invaded my consciousness

Open my eyes, these lazy eyes
See what I’ve reaped
This coward sleeps, the darkness leaps
I see it waiting patiently

This, this, the journey
I thought it the road less traveled by
Full of intricacies,
my light its inner guide

But,
What if it’s a lie, this little light

And I,
Reticent,

Along for the ride

I cant apologize
those simple words of Im sorry
becomes lead in my body
I feel like its not enough
I tried to prove with my actions
But needed words for attention
What a delayed reaction
I depended on no one
even when I knew I was wrong
Ive got no pride
not in myself for sure
wish someone could hand me the cure
its not a jigsaw puzzle
the lines were black and white
fifty shades of gray made no light
Darkness ensuing
The light at the end of my tunnel
has turned into a ******* funnel
my demesne's been overturned
can't take ownership of mine
when the rights were drained like wine
I ****** up yearly
this is my circle structure
fake epiphanies make up my future