I've questioned what being in love was
Multiple times
Asking why does she mean this to me?

I'm caught between reality and feelings
Trying to decide if I should fight
Should I believe
In the possibilities?

Love is always a possible thing
We should all love a little bit more
But when it comes to a special person
It becomes a real and very serious
Question

For instance
I see that you like me while I'm happy and at my best
But I need to know
Can you handle me when I'm low and at my worst?

So based on what you've told me
You have baggage
You know what?
I do too

Can you bear my burden?
If I help you bear yours?
Am I worth your patience?
Your understanding
Your moment to consider
To take time to fully appreciate my worth?

All these questions, but things take time
Trust isn't something to be given away
I am just as unsure as you

Love is
Wanting someone to find happiness
With or without you

You wonder if our love is true
And are having doubts
This I understand
I don't blame you

It is true however
That love is terrifying
And the things that die inside
When it doesn't work
Sometimes never come back

I am also frightened
Of being hurt again
It took much courage
To take a chance with you
I am not privy
To what the future may hold
I didn't know what to say to you
So I wrote it in a poem

I know that we have something special
If we nourish it
It will grow
But I cannot force you to love me
Nor would I if I could

I care for you and am here for you
Anything worth having
Is worth fighting for
And the risk that comes with that
I think is worth taking
But that's just my point of view

Don't lie to me
Don't sneak around
Stand by my side
Don't do things you have to hide

Be honest with me
A necessary policy
Open your heart
Expose your soul
So I can see

Believe in me
So I can believe in you
Trust in my empathy

The love that I give isn't free
It comes with a price
The price that I ask
Is mutual respect and patience
Especially when the going is tough
And times are unkind

Will falling in love
Ever make sense?
NOPE

Someone comes along
Logically, you get stupid
They will change
How you feel about everything

The fine lines you drew before
Won't be as fine anymore
The only thing you will care about
Is loving this person

Love does make you blind
But that is okay
It makes you blind to the *******
And says yes to happiness

To be honest
I tried to keep things
Slow, with you

I knew where you were in life
And that you were looking for
Someone to save you
I can be that man
But I have my own life
To fix

I sincerely do love you
And I want what's best
For you and me
For the first time ever
I realize that I am probably
The best person for someone
And that person is you

I feel myself getting spread thin
And I wonder
Can I do this again?

I understand your restriction
At falling in love again
But you did this
I have given you my heart
It can't be broken again
Because I refuse
You deserve to be happy
The biggest obstacle in front of you
Is what you choose

There was nothing I could do
To prevent
Falling for you
I tried and ridiculously failed
All I can do is be there
For you

Although being in love
Was something I missed
I wasn't looking for it
Now that I am reminded
It just seems like too much to lose

But I can't help it with you

You wanted a friend
But got a lover instead
The risk we take
Of losing it all

Anything worth having
Means taking a chance
Of looking like a fool
For just a moment to dance

Friends first
But now it's something more
If we are going to take that chance
Let's make it worth fighting for

As I take this long drag
On my cigarette
I remember and contemplate
What has come before

The loves and losses
Past jobs and bosses
Success and failure
I touched all bases
Before hitting home

Through it all
I am still here
And I am not bitter
But better than before

My experiences have helped me
To better my ability
To understand
And truly see
The truths that are in front of me

I understand now
More than ever
The world isn't fair
Some people
Just don't care

Even when we do everything right
It may not be enough
It will challenge your self worth
And can break you
After losing a battle

This is a truth
But nay a reason
To give up hope

The point is
To keep fighting
Be tough

Learn to love
In a way you never have before

There were times
When I was young
I believed in magic
In superheroes
Santa Claus
A fine line between
Right and wrong
Summer vacation
Seemed to last forever
But never too long
Now
As an adult and a man
My idea of what magic is
Has changed entirely
Even more special now
Than through the eyes of a child
I believe in possibilities
I call it magic
When I touch someone's heart
When I see a baby smile
An old couple holding hands
My son hugging me
Magic exists
It is everything that is beautiful in the world

Make no mistake
I need to get away from here
Somewhere to hide and escape
Somewhere to disappear

The things and people in my past
That made me happy and I held dear
In their absence, the void created
Is now filled with fear

Fear of the unknown
A path with no direction
Nowhere to call home

Leave my past behind
Before it consumes me whole
Makes things right
Reclaim some lost time

Her state of being had reached into the depths
Back and forth between happiness and sadness
She had arrived at a state of melancholy

On the edge of her smiles
Always lingered a twist of melancholy
She was nervous about going all in
Because that was too much to lose

Her perpetual sadness gave her a beauty
Not to be appreciated by most
Yet the look she portrayed gave her a pureness
Unlike no other

Not deeply sad, but down
And any happiness was always shortly lived
Too much loss
Too many goodbyes
She was built upon broken things

Her melancholy smile and disposition
Was something only the real sweethearts and lovers could love
Because getting a smile from her was like gold

Hers was the attention worth fighting for

Many things push us
To a point
Where we feel
We are losing our mind
It's just a matter of knowing when to grow
And submerge yourself in a cocoon

To protect and grow yourself
Through hell or earthly troubles
Never forget that happiness also
Pushes us to change and adapt

Love teaches us to look closer
Betrayal teaches us to be more skeptical
But somewhere in the middle
We can be reasonable people

I've felt before that I was losing my mind
No one can take that from me but myself

Sometimes I'm not sure
The battle between
Right and wrong,
What is best
It's confusing
And kills time

Debating
Baiting
Anticipating

Go with your heart
When there is ***** involved
Explain yourself

Life isn't fair
Those are the rules

A dog without a bone
A child without a home
Loved by many, yet alone

A comedian with no jokes
Mountain climber lacking rope
A convict dropping the soap

A bottle of wine without a corkscrew
A detective absent of a clue
Arts and crafts minus the glue

A day with no sun
A party that's no fun
The last of a lineage with no son

Some things in life are needed
In this life to get through
In my life, that is you

If you told me today
That you wouldn't be there tomorrow
I would hold you closer
And make every moment count
I would take you into my arms and not let go
I would slow down time
To make the moments last forever
If you told me today
That you wouldn't be there tomorrow
I would fight the moon and stars
So that tomorrow would never come
I would kidnap the sun
So that today could never run
And never let it set
Our moments together would last forever

Oh how we fight to believe
In the things we cannot see
Yet deny our feelings
And fight the truth
Ignore the obvious
Placed right in front of us

We fight to admit
Who we truly are
Or what it is that
Makes us truly happy
Some live their entire lives
Without ever actually living

It takes more than eyes to see

All the negativity inside of you
I will never understand
You treat me with no respect
And I really try
I try
I ****** try
To be your friend
You get mad when we say you're crazy
But you never listen to ****
Even when it's ****** written down for you
No one sane would ever act this way
You've been through some ****?
Some real bad ****?
Well me too mother
And from the start
It started with you
Whatever we've been through
Whatever I or you
Have put each other through
I forgive you
I was but a child but now I am a man
This is what I want you to understand
No more disrespect
I don't have much patience left
For the only parent I've ever known
The lessons I've learned
Were not from you but my own
Life is not fair
And it never will be
Whoever or why ever
Made you expect it to be
Set you up for ****** failure
If you care and love us as much as you say
Please
Shut the **** up a little bit
Today
No one needs all that negativity
Not from you
Or me
Or anybody
I'm trying to help you out
Yet you make me want to scream and shout
I get it
I do understand
All the pain you be been put through
You haven't been able to fully recover
At the end of the day
You are still my and our mother
It's never too late
To reconciliate
But I will always be here as your son
And you, my mother

Sitting up late at night
Alone with my thoughts
Reflection mainly with a little bit of self torture
Taking responsibility for the mistakes I've made
Things I'd said that hurt others
Being inconsiderate of someone's heart

It wasn't just the bumps in the night that kept me awake
It was everything that I felt regret for
The walls I had built had started to break

Seeds of regret had been ignored for too long
Allowed to grow into inner demons
That robbed me of sleep
Stolen from me my inner peace

Sitting up late at night
Every night wondering
Will I ever fall asleep peaceably?
Will I ever be free
Of the demons that rob me?

So used to, I am now
Of carrying these burdens and this baggage with me
I wonder if I would ever know how to act
Without them breaking down my back

A sad world we live in
That just being a man
Can break you and keep you from something as natural as sleep
The wrongs we've committed and the regrets that we keep
Never forgotten but maybe forgiven
One day

Until then
I will sit up late at night
Spending time with a demon named regret

When I was younger
I dreamt of you
You were always but a dream
Until the day we met
And I learned that you were true

Made to learn
That a dream can end up a reality
Our paths were meant to cross
One in billions
Like winning the lottery

I can only appreciate the moments we shared
If even brief compared to everything else
I learned of the possibilities
Of what true happiness really is

You taught me to smile again
To be proud of who I am
To not doubt myself
And for that
I forever thank you

My greatest strength
Was that you underestimated me
You left your guard down
And I came in with my all
You forgot
The bigger you are
The harder you fall

You are my muse
You are my mirror
You are my heart
You are my dear

You've turned now into forever
And reminded me
To never say never

I once thought
That all my innocence was lost
But I felt it's presence
As our paths crossed

Because of you
I believe that fantasy can come true
I appreciate the countless reasons you give me
For loving you

You are my muse
You are my mirror
You are my heart
You are my dear

We grew up there
Until the streetlights came on
We kept going

Mothers calling us for dinner
Avoiding the call
Until they found us
Because we were never far

Unless we were on our bikes
Only around the block
We agreed to that
But lied

Getting grounded to the house
Looking out and watching
Hoping and waiting
Until our sad faces
Reminded our parents
We were just kids
And they gave us our freedom back  

Outside
Alive

Running
Definitely screaming
A lot
Laughing about dumb stuff
But that was the best, yes?

Feeling invincible
Time seemed endless

The bonds we made then
Will last forever
We carved our initials into trees
And concrete

Threw rocks
Broken windows
Crashed bikes
Comic books
Baseball cards
Chased girls
Walked to school
Ice cream

The foundation I was built upon
Seems unreal anymore
A distant dream

A moment to consider
The possibilities

Look at how the trees breathe
Look at how the grass blows
Listen to how the winds call

Crickets chirping
Stars shooting
Dogs howling
Cats meowing

Beckoning to be observed
Just a moment is all it takes
To notice

I could see in your eyes
That something was calling you
Pulling you away
Making you question everything
You were wanting more

Although it wasn't on purpose
I was tying you down
You were young and inexperienced
You needed to learn things the hard way
I just couldn't protect you from that anymore

What we had wasn't false
But it wasn't made to last
The best thing I ever did for you
Was to let you go

Seal off all the bad memories
Push them aside
And forget the loneliness
That kept you locked away

Feeling what it felt like
When sunshine touched you after so long
And you felt warm again

After letting yourself feel once more
Staying headstrong and moving forward
Never giving credence
To the pain that bound you before

Letting your past self die
So you can be born again anew

The next time dark clouds emerge again
And begin to darken your day
The beast within you will defeat the beasts
That carry doubt on their backs
Because you took all their power away
The day you understood your own strength

All you can do now is keep moving forward
Never stopping to look back

No matter the amount
Of time or distance
Between us
Will change how close
I am to you

When I hear your voice
Or think of you
It closes the gap
And puts you right next to me

No amount of time or distance
Will change how I feel about you
Because you are always in my heart

We've been worrying and stressing for so long
Just to get by
And to keep a breath
And a sandwich in our mouth
Nothing other than to just survive
The focus on surviving

We have forgotten how to live
How to love
Hug
Feel
Experience

Our lives are at the end of our cameras
I am guilty as well
But, I haven't forgotten

Where do you hide
When there's nowhere to go?
Who do you talk to
When no one wants to listen?
Surrounded by people
Yet feeling alone
Trying to be legit
Feels impossible sometimes
In a quick flash
Everything can be lost
Unforgiving is the life that waits
Karma doesn't always play fair
The pain and hurt attack the undeserving too
Sometimes the worst people make off with the best
What can be learned from that?
Patience and acceptance?
Of getting dealt the **** end of the stick?
A terrible hand in a high stakes game
Running out of gas when you're almost there
Looking for someone
But finding no one home?

I found some old letters today
That I had kept from my past
Tucked away, left to forget

Lost loves
And lost loved ones
Were amid the mix

Always talking about the weather with my grandfather
How it was much hotter where I was overseas
He sent me pictures of ice sculptures
So I could "feel more cool"

Not my experience,
But how you treated me
Was the first real time
I ever felt like a man and not a child

That,
I will forever thank you for
Making me "feel more cool"

As far as past loves go
I don't have much to say
The letters you wrote me were often
And always something to look forward to

You helped me not feel so alone
When I was so far apart
From everyone and everything I knew
I can't help but be thankful

In many ways,
You may have saved my life

After reading some of these old letters
I am reminded of things almost forgotten
Never meant to be swept away or lost
But kept
Reminding and feeding the heart

I wish you were there for me
Like I've been there for you
But you're not
Because this is a one-way street
And you're headed the wrong way

It is said that only fools rush in
To that, I must disagree
A magnetic attraction
Trying to fight it
Is like trying to deny
Mother Nature's raw power
Sometimes it just feels right
Because it is right
Saying only fools rush in is wrong
Only fools rush out

No matter the pain
We have to be able to deal with it
Be a good man and know
You are not the one

It's nothing to ruin your life
You really have to listen
We are all hurt out there
Just listen

The world will tell you
Ridiculous things
It will say that because you are a man
You are at fault
But that isn't always the truth

A heart broken
Doesn't have to make sense
Even when there's something to give
Bottom line is where to live within your heart
And begin again

Never worry when everything is out of your control
Just stand by and wait for it to happen
******* absurd
And just watch it happen

No matter how much you love someone

Out of the Darkness
Into the light
Overthrow the shadows
End of the blackest night

Once again hope
A genesis
Death of strife

The threshold of possibility
Finally recognized
Absence of the negative
Full potential of ability

Out of the darkness
Into the light
The dawn has won
A battle against blight

When I was a child
I can remember being excited
When I could finally color
Inside of the lines

It was such an achievement to be able to do
What the adults had deemed
The way it was done
Color inside the lines
Think inside the box
Follow the rules
Do as you're told
But those are just surefire ways
To keep you from writing your own story

To live you must let creativity take hold
To untie your tethers
To guide your hand outside the lines
To show you how to think outside of the box
To remind you, it's not always about doing as you're told

To write your own story
You sometimes must color outside of the lines
Don't be afraid to have an original thought or dream

The path of destruction
Left in your wake
Torn between love and being alone
Never settled, never atoned
The cycle will continue to go on and on
You smile but internally you frown
Your addiction has turned to attention
You take for granted affection
A real love fell into your lap
But in your broken form
You deemed yourself unworthy and undeserving
Your sadness and emptiness continues to spread
On your path of destruction
There is no end

Maybe one day things will get better for you
And I hope they will
I hope you find something real
I hope you find a way to heal

There was a time
I was married
And had taken vows
I was very stringent on my vows

Through everything
I always thought of my vows
Patience was something I was given
Understanding also was something I also learned

To throw it all into a nutshell
None of what I had learned
Worked, to keep it together

But, I still have those lessons I have learned
It's nice sometimes when you can see
That someone else has been through the same

Patience and understanding
Is what would take humanity to the next level
Yet
Is the most difficult thing
*Apparently

I knew when I met you
You weren't going to be
Instant gratification
Even though I knew how I felt
Instantly

You were an investment
Someone worth my patience
And understanding

I was told
At a young age
Anything worth having
Is worth fighting for

I respect that statement

But the fighting for
Is sometimes with yourself

You have to fight with yourself
To know if you want it
If it's worth it
And sometimes
Wait for it

Patience is a battle we all fight
In a world (America)
That wants instant gratification

From the start to the finish
You are my prize
That I will race to achieve

Together,
We can be thankful
That we didn't give up on each other

There is no beginning
And there is no end
Time isn't your enemy
But it isn't your friend
The events already in motion
Forever roll on like the ocean

The more you see
The more  you know

The more you know
The more it hurts

The more it hurts
The more you feel

The more you feel
The more you see

You were broken
You told me
But I could see it

I picked you up
Told you how to stand again
After you had been knocked down
I didn't judge you because I understood

If you want to do this on  your own
You are making a mistake
There is nothing wrong
With letting someone who loves you
Help you

I am here for you, regardless

Life isn't fair
It will continue to hand us *******
This is reality

It is our perspective
What we choose to see
How we see things
That make the difference

I am happy for my time with you

Every time I start to get used to
You being gone
You appear in my dreams
And remind me of what I'm missing

A place inside
I placed a piece of me to hide
Fragile but protected
From the world outside

Deep within
Hidden from view
I had forgotten about this piece
Until I met you

This piece
Restless to get out
To be held and seen and known
After being hidden for so long
To finally not be alone

This piece
I finally release

Pillar of strength
Standing free and alone
Never asking for support
But always there for others
When things got tough
When it helped to have something to lean on

Pillar of strength
Having endured many years of this routine
Never designed to go without repair
Or to even hold too heavy of a burden
The foundation was crumbling
Soon, everything would come crashing down

Pillar of strength
Needing to be repaired
Was cordoned off to keep the people away
They protested!
"How will we stand on our own?!"
"There is no way!!"

Pillar of strength
Tired of being misused and abused
Spoke loudly and clear
"I was never meant to stand for you or bear your burden alone."
"I was meant to give you some help and a break on your way home."

Pillars of strength grow weak
When they're overused and become meek
Bearing burdens is tiresome and dull
So check the pillar every now and then
To make sure it won't fall

It was subtle
But I noticed
The way you lightly touched my lips
When you grabbed the cigarette out of my mouth
It was a small yet huge gesture
Not to be easily forgotten
Really
The whole experience seemed unreal
You were the pinch I needed
To realize I wasn't dreaming
Sometimes when good things happen
It's hard to believe it's true
Thanks for reminding me
It's not always a bad thing to be me
Especially since I met you