I just had to leave the library and take a walk.
Actually, I was gonna go home, but decided against it.
I figured I'd walk to Hannaford and get something to eat.
However, 3 dollars wasn't really enough to get anything.
So I had to start walking back, and got to the other sidewalk.
My goal was to try and see what there was at 7/11.
However, I saw someone walking on either side of the sidewalk.
My anxiety started to get a bit much again, and I turned around.
I decided to just go back to the library, and I did.
Luckily, as I was walking back, I noticed how much better I felt.
I left the library because there was noise in the computer room.
And there was noise around it too, and it was overwhelming me.
I was losing my focus, and since I was writing, I didn't like that.
So I gave up, and decided to just ask for someone to take me home.
Only, she didn't answer after a couple minutes, like usual.
So, as I sat and waited, I realized I had some many, and changed my mind.
I didn't want to go home, I wanted to get something to eat instead.
However, as I said, I didn't have enough money to get anything.
But now, I have a clearer mind, and I was only gone like 20 minutes.
That's why I'm writing this right now, to get my thoughts out.
You know, the thoughts I was able to get back from clearing my head.
I decided to write this down, mainly for myself, as a reminder.
I don't need to go back home, I might just need to talk a walk.
I had other things on my mind, that I can't do anything about right now.
And knowing that, along with the noise, was too much.
But after that walk, those thoughts are gone, and I feel calm again.
So now, I can get back to what I was writing before I had to log off.
And I can continue for another 38 minutes, then go home.
Alright, that was an extra post for today, because I felt like it.
I needed to write this down when the memory was still fresh.
And now, I can finish typing, and come back again tomorrow.
Alright, see you tomorrow, bye!

People seem to say, "Oh, it's totally fake!"
"Why would you believe anything you see them do?"
"It's all acting."
And that isn't entirely true, at all, but many people won't believe me.
Now, don't tell me I'm wrong, because this is my opinion.
I won't say you're right or wrong in thinking wrestling is fake.
All I'll say is, if you think it's completely fake, then I disagree.
And here's why.
I always ask those I talk to about this the same question.
I ask, "If wrestling is fake, then why do people actually get hurt?"
Then I say, "If wrestling wasn't real, then people would never get injuries that either cost them a few months, or force them to retire."
The reason why I always say this, is because wrestling isn't a joke.
I see people actually get hurt because they botch a move, or land wrong.
I've seen punches and kicks actually connect, and cause someone to get a concussion.
I've seen people get dislocations and broken bones, and wonder how long they'll be out for.
Sure, there are things that can be overexaggerated.
And I won't doubt that injuries can be purely storyline driven.
But, when the person is actually hurt, and needs surgery, how can you call that fake?
How is it fake if the injury causes someone to have to hang up their boots for a while, and go into physical therapy to recover?
How is it fake if it can cost people their careers, or their lives?
Remember what happened to Owen Hart?
He was supposed to come down from the ceiling, but the thing broke, and he fell all the way down to the ring.
People didn't know whether it was real or not, but he ended up dying from injuries sustained from that fall that same night.
Wrestling isn't fake, but it is scripted.
The storylines are scripted, I don't doubt that for a minute.
There are many wrestlers who have feuds on camera, but are friends behind the scenes.
There are people who act like heels, but are the nicest people you'll ever meet, or the other way around.
Mistakes are real, and the bumps they take will actually hurt.
There are things you can fake, and it does take acting in order to portray the right emotion.
But when someone breaks something while wrestling, and is out for a long period of time due to surgery and recovery, then it's hard for me to believe for a second that it's completely fake.
I prefer scripted, so that's what I call it.
Raw is on tonight, so I had this thought in my head, and decided to get it out.
Okay, that's my library post of the day.
I'll talk about something else tomorrow, or the same thing, I don't know.
I just write whatever I feel like, and I thought about this, so I wrote it.
See you tomorrow, bye!

I wanted so badly to get Ice Cream and go online here at the library.
So badly, that I was having trouble reading my second book.
I did some Japanese, and read my first book, but only a bit of the second one.
So I decided to just stop reading, and go get my Ice Cream.
I walked all the way there, then found that four dollars wasn't enough...
Luckily, I had packed some food to bring just in case I couldn't walk, so I decided to eat outside when I got back to the library.
I really needed to sit, but all the seats were wet from the rain.
So I ended up sitting on one of the pole things by the entrance.
I was able to keep pressing the blue button to let people in while I ate my animal crackers, though.
And yes, I like to eat animal crackers, and I'm an adult, don't judge me lol
Anyway, I was able to eat, so I came up here to use a computer for the remainder of my time.
I wanna work on a story, so I guess my brain was trying to tell me to hurry up.
Well, I'm here now until 4:20, so I guess I should get to writing.
I just like to write on here first, after I check my mail.
This might be because I was up all night two nights ago, and finally slept last night, so my body is still adjusting.
I was just a bit out of focus, but my focus is cleared up now.
I won't say that going to get the Ice Cream was a waste of time.
I got a nice walk in, so I say, it was worth the trip.
And I got to help a lot of people who were coming and going, while I silently ate my crackers.
Someone asked me about a craft thing going on, and I said I didn't know.
They asked me what today's date was, and since my phone was in my  backpack, I didn't know.
Also, my anxiety started to go up when the person talked to me, but I kept calm.
After she left, I didn't have to talk to anyone else.
Alright, that's all I have to say until Monday, when I come back.
See you on Monday, bye!

Why does seeing him still fill me with so much anger and hatred.
I've written about him a few times, just to get him out of my head.
But every time I see him, I get those memories back again.
I know that many of the memories are good and peaceful.
But I can't help but think they were nothing but a bunch of lies.
I mean, to read a text from someone saying they didn't mean it.
That they only said they love you to make you happy.
But they didn't really feel that way about you at all.
I meant it when I told him that I loved him, and I thought he did too.
I thought he meant it when he kissed me, and held me in his arms.
I thought his words were honest, but they were all lies.
He was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
He wasn't being honest with me, or with himself.
And that would make me spend so much time with him.
I spent countless times over at his house with him.
We would kiss, and I thought we meant something.
But apparently, I was the only one with any real feelings.
This makes me afraid to get close to another guy now.
Mainly, because I fear that when someone says they love me, it's a lie.
I'm afraid they'll say it just because they want me to be happy.
But that, they're lying when they say it to me.
Now, I haven't been with anyone since him.
And that's partly due to my anxiety that is very bad right now.
But when I'm ready to hang out with people, someone might come along.
And when that happens, I don't think I'll be able to help but be scared.
I just don't want to repeat what happened with that other guy again.
It happened three times, over a span of my last two years of High School, and my first year of being out of school.
So now, I think I have my mind cleared again.
At least, until the next time I happen to see him.
And the other thing is, if I talk to him, those feelings with come back.
I can tell, because if he talks to me, I'll remember how much I love him.
But that's bad, because it's one sided, and I don't know if he even cares.
He might've said he preferred me as a friend, but he's never messaged me since.
His final message was "Goodbye forever."
I mean, that's pretty cryptic, and it hurt for a bit.
But the next day, I realized it didn't hurt, because I was over it.
The second time we broke up, I really loved him, so I couldn't seem to get past it.
But this time, when we broke up last year, I couldn't care anymore.
I'm not sad, I don't mourn this break up, it just angers me.
Knowing that he never really loved me, that angers me.
I wanna ask him why he did that to me, but I doubt he remembers.
Alright, I'm done now.
I guess I just needed to rant for a while again.
Now that I've said this, I think I'll have peace for a while.

Alright, here is what I was trying to write yesterday.
Due to being hungry, and staying later, I had to leave before typing.
Only, the weather had other ideas, and I had to leave.
Now that I'm only here until 4:50, and my schedule is back to normal, I feel good.
So good, that I can write clearly here at this laptop.
I'm in the quiet room here at the library.
I usually sit outside where the other computers are, but not today.
There are far too many people, as all but one computer is free.
And there would be someone on either side of me.
And due to my anxiety, that would be too much for me to handle.
So I am sitting here in the quiet room, where there are a lot of laptops.
Someone just came in, but they are sitting far away from me.
Now, this is good, because it's just me and this other person.
And since it's usually a lot more crowded than this, I'm lucky.
I'm meeting with my therapist and case manager tomorrow.
So luckily, I'll probably get to talk more about stuff.
Get a handle on things going on with my anxiety levels and all.
Other than that, today is going very well.
I'm starting to realize as I write, that this is more of a public diary.
But you know what, I'm cool with that.
I'm not stating anyone's name, or any place names, and I'm only talking about myself, and being cautious of what I say.
Believe it or not, I am being private in a sense.
I'm not telling you what library I'm at, and I'm not telling you about where I go for therapy, or who I'm going to see.
All I'm saying, is that's where I'm gonna be instead tomorrow.
And unlike a week or two ago, I'm not coming here after.
That completely messes with my head, and throws off the whole schedule.
I just have to make sure that I stay here later on Friday, that's all.
And I like that, because I have things to do when I'm here.
Can't really practice Japanese here, unless it's only writing.
And that's okay, because that's what I'm starting with.
When I get the writing down, then I'll hopefully have someone to help me with speaking.
And if we do that here, it will probably be outside, or in the study room.
That's okay with me, because I really want to learn.
But honestly, I like what I'm doing right now.
Like, after I'm done writing this thing right now, I have two separate google docs stories open, and I'll work on them.
I seem to wanna alternate between these two stories lately, so I will.
Who knows, maybe I'll end up working on only one of them.
But for now, this will be fine for me.
Alright, I'm rambling now.
I'm done until Friday.
I'm gonna work on my stories now.
Bye!

Right now, I'm doing this because I just want to write.
But when I need to, writing actually does help ease my mind.
Anxiety can be a mind field at times, and that can be stressful.
But being able to write for a while, can be a great distraction.
I can get lost in whatever it is I'm writing about.
Writing stories is a fun thing for me to do.
I don't plan on showing my stories to anyone, since they are for me.
But I do like to write, and when I'm stressed, it calms me down.
At the moment, I'm not worried or anxious about anything.
This just seems to be something I want to do right now.
I don't know how my writing on my Hello Poetry account will last.
And, as you can tell, most of them aren't even poems, really.
I just write whatever I feel like at the time, using this form.
I might even want to tell stories at some point, and that's fine.
And if you like whatever it is I write for some reason, thank you.
I don't think what I write is that great, but it's what I like to do.
Writing seems to be a nice pass time, like watching shows & singing.
Only have eight minutes left, as I'm on one of the library computers.
This is where I like to be every day, remember, I'm here on Weekdays.
It's a fun pass time for me, and with my schedule, it's a breeze.
I keep looking at the time limit, and I just realized I'm rambling.
I guess I don't have much to say about writing, but I talk anyway.
Writing is a fun thing for me to do, as I've said a few times, already.
I'm actually listening to K-Pop on my Spotify as I write this.
I only have five more minutes, and people are walking in...
That makes me a bit anxious, so I'm trying to use this as peace now.
Trying to keep my mind at peace, by focusing on what I write.
I don't know what else to say, but I don't want to stop yet.
I still have four minutes left, and I don't want to waste them.

I came here yesterday, and it was a lot later than usual.
I usually come from around twelve, and stay until around three.
But due to therapy, I came right after, so it was around two.
First of all, I figured my brain wouldn't fine anything wrong with it.
I still had my schedule, and I know what I like to do, so I was good.
At least, I thought I was good...
There was no left seating desk thing free in the downstairs area.
And since I prefer the left side to the right, I had find another spot.
There is a red couch near the audio books, and there's an outlet.
And since there was an outlet for my phone charger, I sat down.
But I found it would be hard for me to work on my Japanese there.
Because I knew I would have trouble concentrating right there.
It was in an open space, unlike where I like to sit.
So instead, I decided to go on my phone for a while.
Going on my phone is something I like to do at the end.
And since I was doing it first, I felt a little bit uneasy.
I made sure a video was uploaded to my YouTube.
Then I checked my social media, and was about to listen to Spotify.
But I looked over & the stairs leading to the upper level got to me.
And I got distracted by the need to see what was up there.
So I took a picture, put it on my Instagram & Facebook, and went.
I took the elevator the middle floor, and found the Quiet Area.
Then I walked up a couple stairs, and started looking around.
I did a little more snooping, then tried one of the computers.
I had to find one where there weren't too many people.
When I found it, I didn't know how to log on, so I gave up.
I went back downstairs in the elevator, & it wasn't even two thirty.
But I was already ready to go home, so I sent a text,
I sat outside for a while, and when I was told my ride was on the phone, I surrendered.
I told them never mind, and I went back inside.
I decided I needed to at least do my schedule, and went upstairs.
I went back to the middle floor, and tried the Quiet Room.
I found a spot, and worked on my Japanese workbook.
I liked it, but it still felt weird and uncomfortable.
I went to read in the outer area, but ended up going to the upper floor.
All the left sides to the little studying desks were filled up again.
So I found a little seat, and decided to sit down and read.
But I couldn't concentrate, because I wasn't in my "normal spot".
I wasn't sitting on the left, with my back to whoever, hidden.
Hidden by the little privacy that comes with those desks I like a lot.
So after a page or two, I gave up, and went back down.
Luckily, my ride was ready, so I said I wanted to leave.
After a few more minutes, I finally went back home.

And I learned something from that little experience.
I had set a strict schedule for myself, and I broke it a bit.
I went to a different part of the library, without doing my routine.
And because of this, and the time of day, it was too weird for me.
So I decided that I should only go every other Thurday.
Each Thursday when I don't have therapy.
That way, I go at the same time, and don't confuse my brain.
And today, I went at my normal time, but a bit earlier.
It was only five or ten minutes earlier, so it felt normal.
This is the right time for me to come, and I realize that now.
I found a left side that was free, where I like to sit, and sat down.
I took out my Japanese workbook, my library books, and set up.
I plugged my phone charger and got onto the library's WiFi.
I went for Spotify to listen to while I did my Japanese, but went with a YouTube video instead.
Both equally help me concentrate, so I was not confused at all.
Then, I read my books, checked my social medias, and came up here.
I decided that I would come upstairs and use one of the computers.
When I logged on, I realized I had a 120 minutes to use it.
And this is a lot longer than if I were to use one downstairs.
So, I made a decision about how to spend my time.
First, I check my mail, then I do what I want.
And after I'm done, then I go home.
I told my ride, and they know when to come get me.
So I've decided, my schedule stays the same, but I changed this.
All I changed, was where I go after I finish my reading and social media checks every other day.
Instead of staying downstairs, I'll come up here, and find a computer.
I'll do this every other Weekday, because I stay home on Weekends.
And that makes me comfortable, so I feel happy.
The people by some of the computers make me a bit jittery.
But I just tell myself that I'm not here to talk to anyone.
And this has been labeled as another quiet place, which is good.
I know no one is going to bother me, and that makes me content.
So now, I'm gonna spend the remaining 57 minutes that I have.
What am I gonna do during these 57 minutes?
Work on another story or two, then go home.
That's all I have to say, except for one thing.
This was entirely longer than I thought it would be, and I'm sorry.
Thanks for reading this if you did, and liking it if you did.