she calls herself
"damaged goods"
as if the past stains her future with ***** fingers
marking thoughtless insults on her forehead
for all to see and judge
as if her gaze is shrouded in darkness
only able to comprehend pessimism and bleakness
never able to find love
for she is broken beyond compare
as if her lips will never be able to find another's
for she is so repulsive none will touch her

she fears that strangers can see through her
thinly veiled paranoia
and her vision turns their bored gazes into accusing glares
silently judging her with every blink
she wants to crawl away
and pull her knees to her chest and cry
she wonders if her smiles,
stretched thin across her cheeks
are obviously fake
she wonders when her acting career will be up
and then she will be tossed onto the streets
her defectiveness obviously revealed
to an invisible crowd, watching and waiting
for her time to be up

she calls herself
"damaged goods"
because she cannot comprehend
how valuable she really is
the same way a sunflower brightens a desolate field
she brings laughter to the heavy hearted
she brings admiration from the shy
she brings comfort from the ones
just like her,
who are afraid to be themselves

1, 2, 3, 4
count the ridges my thumb brushes over
as it runs over the hills of my bony knuckles
tanned and rough
"these are mine"
stress the mine
as the mantra parades
through my head
it does not click
i am still floating
far away from this fleshy costume
i pick up the strings
of the puppet that is supposed to be me
and walk out the door

discarded instant ramen bowls
left airing in the dark
sitting next to sprite bottles
devoid of their fizzy carbonation
clothes heaped on the floor
collecting dust with homework papers
the glowing screen of the computer the only light to be seen
a figure
matted hair, dark circles under their eyes
so used to their own scent they do not realize their stench
abandoning everything besides their computer
their fingers tap quickly on the keyboard
but their eyes are dead and void
they have lost their path
they cannot find their way.

jealousy pulls me in
tendrils of want tug at my bones
i'm watching, suffering
you don't belong to me, i know
i have no power to stop you
but still,
when i see the looks you give her
i wish to claw myself apart
i begin to fall into
the grinning maw of loneliness.

despite
a corrupt system
despite
a corrupt society
despite
being controlled by the media
despite
our lack of questioning
our lack of creativity
our lack of thought
despite
our lives
we live them like sheep
content with what we have
and terrified of change

despite
the people we have become
we cannot overthrow those who have
controlled us for so long
we are so unused to
thinking for ourselves
that no one is able
to rule their minds

a reset button would be handy
but we will continue to make the same mistakes
over and over again
do not be content with what you have
always strive for more
question everything
your life will become
immensely more difficult
but at least you are learning
at least you are forming your own thoughts

the pack system is great for survival
but we no longer need to rely on each other
it is not a matter of life and death to think
relieve yourself of the pack mindset
and set your thoughts free
you have constricted them for so long
they no longer know how to function properly

in my use of words
i hope that someone will stop and listen
despite the crazy, almost radical mindset
that is portrayed as terrifyingly dangerous to society
i am but a child
with thoughts still roaming free

emotions are pushed
behind a wall of glass
where they yell,
pounding at the barrier
but they are muffled
hardly interfering
with my apathetic mind.

one day they'll scream so much
that the frail foundations of this house will collapse completely
the relationships that had built the support beams
would break in two
the shell of a house that had once been
a refuge and a safe space for its inhabitants
is now quivering on its frail boards
constant attacks forced a once lavish mansion to diminish into a rotten shack
growing more and more rundown as
sand dripped down the hourglass until the final blow
apprehensively
we awaited the dreadful day

the papers have been signed
the house collapses to the ground

the mirror reflects my
fake, plastic skin
with my
fake, plastic eyes
there's no luster in them
no life behind the eyes of a doll
of a puppet with
no knowledge of the world
unable to learn through
the human method of trial and error
and so it keeps repeating
the same mistakes
until it ruins its plastic skin
and breaks its plastic eyes
and destroys its plastic heart

hard denials and rough tears
ragged sobs and pouring pleas
refusals of callous confessions
create horrible impressions
the change that overcomes
is but the factors of time's sums
quiet submission to mankind
leads you to stay confined

denial of love
you feel you don't deserve
will lead you to be sick of
your own silent unnerve.

we accept the love we think we deserve.

in my head,
your voice speaks vicious words
your fist meets my face
your eyes flash with disdain
and it's you (but not you)
you would not do that
unless you would
you but not you
hurts me because it's you but not you
and i hang onto half truths
made for masochism
it's you but not you and
i love you
but not the one in my head
yet im so afraid of rejection
i construct delirious painful hallucinations
to cope with something that hasn't
even happened yet.

his beer-stained breath
makes me fearful every step
as the stained glass of the bottle
thuds against the wooden table
i have grown afraid of
the gasp of a bottle cap
for it only signifies pain

my skin is his canvas
aggressive streaks of red
graced with blooming petals of purple
speckled with nausea green
i become a painting
to be sold off for my sins

my teeth are stained with blood
i keep my mouth shut
sewed tight by the strings
he holds about my body
control is power, he says
and i control you

he created my life
and thus, i am his
forever indebted
to the man who lit a match
in the chambers of my lungs
and i am never peaceful
forever burning alive.

she posts pictures
of words she echoes
for everything she feels
has already been said

she invests her feelings
into a quiet site
to repeat the phrases she finds
with fake deep meanings
but genuine emotions.

is this my last picture?
my last text?
my last song?
please remember me by my love.

the outside is terrifying
now that i have something to live for
if i die we will have never met
i will never fulfill my promises
that i make to you every night.

i've never believed in god
but sometimes i pray to someone
anyone
that i will live another day
another year
live my life through until i am old
and satisfied
with the one i love.

they told me to explain love
despite it being such an abstract feeling
filled with colors and shapes and passion
they told me to explain love
despite how complicated and intrinsic
yet simple and plain it is
they told me to explain love
even though there have been a million before me
dedicating books and songs and poems
to this emotion that plagues us

love isn't Hollywood easy
love isn't that warm burst of heat you feel in your chest,
the need for affection and ***
love isn't a miracle-magical cure
that will rid you of all your problems
love isn't a dream come true or the best thing that ever happens
finding love isn't the endgame

love is dedication,
that heat will fade from your chest over time,
and you will still have issues in life
love will come in the form of someone
who will become your best friend,
most trusted confident that might not always understand you
but will be there for you and work it out alongside you
love will be tough
there will be arguments and bumpy roads
clashing of viewpoints between people
it's natural to fight, but you must work it out
love isn't only you,
it's a balance between both people
learning about each other
and adapting to them
as they adapt to you
love won't always be the aesthetic dream
teenagers long for in their books and movies
no YA novel will show the harsh realities of what love looks like
no Hollywood movie will break through the fantasy-fake awkward kisses
to find love, you must know what to expect
find your match, but don't have unrealistic expectations
it won't always be bubblegum and cotton candy
but it will be beautiful.

fluorescent light illuminates
makeup brushes and foundation
concealer and contour
she sits in front of the mirror,
diligently applying
a youtube tutorial playing in the background
her small hands shake
her cheeks have not yet lost their baby fat
she hates her chubbiness
in her youth, she envies the skinny
the pretty, the ones with the cool moms
who let them do whatever they want
thin faces and thick layers of wavy hair
arched eyebrows and immaculate eyeliner
she wants to be like an instagram model
with a hundred-watt smile and tan skin
she wants to be a perfect person
she pats on the blush
she eats less
she becomes a shadow of a person
she loses it all to be fake
isn't that a little too much
for a girl to handle?
not yet an adult
almost a teenager
they grow up too fast
to reach what they think is perfection
to attain the life they see in movies
in snapchat stories and romcom tv shows
"beauty is pain" but
they take it too far.

splattering footsteps dash
rare LA rain descending in puddles
a 7/11,
a cigarette,
a lighter
he removes the hood
revealing curved horns
clawed fingers flicking until
he lights the cigarette,
takes a smoke.

sopping wet demon in the cool rain
his yellow eyes flash with boredom
abandoned by heaven and ****** into
the hell called 'earth'.

empower
the women
but don't
hurt the men.

love
the choice
but respect
the stay.

believe
your heart
but understand
the brain.

raindrops splatter on the ground
shattering into thousands of fragments
splattering on the flooded ground and drenched umbrellas
desolate gray skies surrounding a dead city
peaceful in its misery
lights shine dimmer, shrouded in a blanket of water
a muted city of monochrome colors

shaded under an overpass
hot styrofoam cups cupped in shivering hands
noodles slurped up to the rhythm of the rain
wooden chopsticks and thirsty throats chasing cheap food
slight kick of spice mixed with warmth in bottomless stomachs
excited smiles and quiet jokes
protecting the sanctity of the diluted sounds of life
teenage foolishness leading to soaking wet jackets and rosy cheeks
cigarettes inhaled under the safety of the cement above

i sit at an open window,
dreaming of those days
nostalgia filling my veins and
nothing feels as bittersweet as the
smell of an open ramen cup and the taste of nicotine on my tongue
time stays still for the rain.

persistent portraits fill the air
sky-blue hearts and broken chairs
with deeper meanings than i can fathom
i bounce off the ceiling, upside down in the gallery
whimsically indifferent to the stars
my hands are shaky and my mind is blank
but all i can remember is
the checkered sheets upon your bed
the grooves on your knuckles and the etches on your cheeks
the firmness of your muscles and the warmth i feel with you
i escape because i cannot fathom where you have gone
take me with you, my lover
im trapped inside a never-ending maze
but you have flown to the moon and above
broken hearts and sky-blue chairs.

i have picked up every piece of me
ever since the start
i am all i have
i will guard my heart

and slowly, slowly
i stitch it together
i take the tears i cried
and water the seeds i sow
i tend to pink tulips and tiger lilies
two flowers that sing of courage
and with time and love and care
my heart will sing again.

don't smile
or they'll find you
they'll find your weaknesses
and they'll hurt you
don't speak
for every word tumbling
carelessly from your fragile lips
will become your worse enemy
don't cry
they'll hurt you even more
it'll be their incentive
to do it even more
even as your body is
wrecked beyond compare
sew your lips together
with needle and thread
don't scream
they love it when you scream
they love it when your throat grows hoarse
and they keep going even though you
can't even whimper
in defense
don't resist
there's no use
there's no purpose
no one cares
you could die
and they wouldn't bat an eye
one punching bag gone
would mean one more to
take your place
suffer so no one else needs to
be theirs
they've marked you
as their own
despite the sick relationship
you are theirs
succumb to their wrath
and serve to their will

open your bible
and pretend that you are not gay
sing songs in the church choir
smile and clap after the priest
finishes his sermon about
those **** homosexuals and their filthy sins!
but they find out anyways
god doesnt love you
no one does

iridescent moon
reflected light permeating through darkness
projected through pitch-black rooms
a solace for the paranoid
the afraid, the alone
quietly standing by
a beacon of protection
against the monsters of the night.

long since have we left behind
peaceful naivete and tight pigtails
gradually adjusting to a harsher world
progressively preparing us for
what they call real
and what we call hell
where did our quiet trusting go?
was it left behind with the
colors of our happiness?
did it leave when our hearts got broken
or when we began to love for the first time?
i miss our understanding of life
constant curiosity and wonder
when we looked at the world and it gave us knowledge
now we look at the world and it gives us debt
with the turning of every year
new children are indoctrinated
screens used as babysitters instead of books
learning how to spell youtube on an ipad
before learning how to say "mama"
dont mistake this poem for a condemnation on electronics
rather, a condemnation on parents
unused to any method other than the age of technology
they slowly grow more attached to their computers rather than their parents
for the computers took better care of them
than the people who gave them life

its 4am and my
overly active imagination has caused my body to **** out of sleep once more
picturing scenes too vivid to be true

i see his face in my nightmares,
****** fingers stretching his skin like putty
molding it into another's
crimson dying pale white

i feel his hands,
gently pulling me apart
my skin bursts into two and my organs spill out of my stomach
gruesome and brutally nauseating

i hear screams,
piercing through the dark night
hollow eye sockets black and empty,
tortured girls with knives

i taste poison,
running down my throat
an aphrodisiac that made my body long for death
dehydrated, i thirst for more

i smell carnage,
carrion wafting through the air
as i stand in lie on a hospital bed
illuminated by a single light
dead bodies surrounding my still figure

i soon follow


i **** awake,
it's only a dream
but i can see the blood on my hands
smell the scent of rot
my throat burns,
and my stomach has scars
my ears ring with screams
and it doesn't feel like
"just a dream"

restricted by form
i shall not be, not today
not while the wind blows

unrestrained in mind
bound by society in
body and my will

however i still
fight to keep my thoughts all mine
and allow new worlds

it's spooky time
i'm old enough to not go out
to not dance with the witches
to not consort with the ghosts
but as fall's ****** approaches
and the cursed superstitions rage
i call upon the devil's day
i speak with satan's servants
i laugh at those who pray
my heart is filled with mischief
and as the night becomes tinted in black and purple
i light it up with flames
i becomes the night's mistress.

on our first date you gave me
charming smiles mixed with the scent of cologne and red wine
the embodiment of elegance in front of my eyes
wearing a classy tuxedo and holding a crystal glass
on our first date you gave me
kisses on the hand with a twinkle in your eye
jokes and easy banter exchanged over an overly expensive meal
a flower grew in my soul--
a rose, because it fit you
small and dainty, but thriving
roots planted into the soil of my heart

on our second date you gave me
authenticity and showed me how
sloppiness can be beautiful
your goofy smiles were wrapped in easy sunlight
shining even though we ate hamburgers
in the back of the abandoned lot
on our second date you gave me
sweatpants and comfort
unexpectedly and reassuringly and obviously you
unapologetic in your gray hoodie and your crooked glasses
a second flower grew in my soul--
slightly sturdier and more vibrant
color brightening up the garden of my heart

on our third date you gave me
fairy lights and intertwined hands
tentative kisses and pastel-colored blankets
disney movies with several boxes of tissues (just in case)
relaxed bodies sprawling across large beds
on our third date you gave me
confidence and safeness
protected by your shield of popcorn and your sword of cotton candy
yet still crying hard over Up and Bambi

quietly, my garden began to grow
flourishing gently under your care
roses and their velvet-soft petals
their elegance and fierceness
they bloomed while i did not even notice
their thorns were unnoticed, overlooked
for they could do no harm while you were here
my garden was filled with light

then you took those roses by the stalks and pulled,
ripping the roots out and creating a gaping hole in my chest
stuffed the shriveled petals down my throat so i was choking on
the dead remnants of what we had been

happy valentines day, *****.

on our first date you gave me
charming smiles mixed with the scent of cologne and red wine
the embodiment of elegance in front of my eyes
wearing a classy tuxedo and holding a crystal glass
on our first date you gave me
kisses on the hand with a twinkle in your eye
jokes and easy banter exchanged over an overly expensive meal
a flower grew in my soul--
a rose, because it fit you
small and dainty, but thriving
roots planted into the soil of my heart

on our second date you gave me
authenticity and showed me how
sloppiness can be beautiful
your goofy smiles were wrapped in easy sunlight
shining even though we ate hamburgers
in the back of the abandoned lot
on our second date you gave me
sweatpants and comfort
unexpectedly and reassuringly and obviously you
unapologetic in your gray hoodie and your crooked glasses
a second flower grew in my soul--
slightly sturdier and more vibrant
color brightening up the garden of my heart

on our third date you gave me
fairy lights and intertwined hands
tentative kisses and pastel-colored blankets
disney movies with several boxes of tissues (just in case)
relaxed bodies sprawling across large beds
on our third date you gave me
confidence and safeness
protected by your shield of popcorn and your sword of cotton candy
yet still crying hard over Up and Bambi

quietly, my garden began to grow
flourishing gently under your care
roses and their velvet-soft petals
their elegance and fierceness
they bloomed while i did not even notice
their thorns were unnoticed, overlooked
for they could do no harm while you were here
my garden was filled with light

my heart overflowed with emotion
and as i looked into your warm eyes
i knew this was where i wanted to be for the rest of my life.

happy valentines day, babe.

head pounds
overwhelming nausea
music does little but
make my head pulse with pain
cant think
fragmented sentences
need to write but
cant think of anything but head
hurts
want to sleep
head feels like
its going to explode

false ignorance paints my face
politely declining fate's open hand
knowingly descending into the world of hatred
of sin and lust and thievery
i smile and kiss the devil's cheek
intertwine our fingers together and
delicately, he leads me to my damnation

let me offer
my twisting words
looping phrases
natural rhyming

i appeal with my poems
my validation
determined by reactions
hearts and grinning faces
my words are a pretty show
but don't take my character
for my personality

my acting gives you entertainment
but nothing of myself
i keep pieces of my heart
locked in a box beneath the stage
the set is reality
a new 3d play
the mic amplifies my thoughts
to an empty theater

hello audience.

i am a self conscious robot in a sleeping society
a single person against many
i realize my monotonous days are being spent as a waste
i realize my blatant apathy is taken as acceptance
to live in a world of grays and repetitiveness

if i pulled my heart out of my chest,
you would find nothing of worth
but if you pulled my brain out of my head,
flourishing ideas are sprouting
despite the hard soil that it grows in
they are planted in the basis of society
and continue to grow due to individual thought
not many refuse to parrot back the words of the past
and try to write the future

"respect your elders, they are wiser than you"
we have grown up on decades of
teaching children on how to be quiet
creative minds are silenced
yet i continue to go to school
and do the work expected

i realize all the faults
but what can one person do?

do you want to know the truth?
do you want to listen to my whining
constant complaining about minor trivialities
do you want to learn about my thoughts
my selfishness and my secrets
do you really want to dive deep into the
excruciatingly painful rabbit hole with me?

welcome to my home--
misery loves company
now that you're here, feel free to look around
the wretched possessions; the broken furniture
the shattered portrait on the wall
spiderweb-thin cracks in the glass
reflecting a distorted version of a once-happy family
be careful of the broken beer bottles
shards glitter against the floor
dust floats through the air, revealed by the bare amount of sunshine
slivers of warmth filtered through the smallest of cracks

it's dark here
shadows lurk in the darkness, terrifying and menacing
their anonymity and grotesque features off-putting
oh look, you found my emotion box!
there they are, the faded gray things
they are worth nothing
but yet i still hide my apathy
this is the theater corner
i practice my smiles in the vintage mirror
manufacture fake emotions from full-face rubber masks
easily interchangeable and draining to maintain

here are my problems, listed plain as day and stuck up on a corkboard
no use hiding them
some of the paper is crumbling, insignificant problems that don't mean a thing
take note when you find a worn pink paper
edges crinkled and growing yellow with time
enticing childlike handwriting speckled with tear marks and blood
im fond of it
it represents vulnerability and emotions
it represents the end of me

that concludes the tour
will you stay and help clean,
or will you flee in terror?
i wouldn't blame you for doing either
make your decision wisely.

you give me half-hearted replies
to emotional confessions
give me an answer
no matter how harsh
for it is better to be rejected
than to be left hoping in the dark.

skies collide with the horizon, the explosion releasing vivid colors beyond imagination
beneath this silent conflict lies humanity! a small, insignificant force that likes to think it's doing something
despite the strange lack of free will hidden in their consciousness

admiring the aesthetic of the world
and calling it the work of a god
experimenting with these things they call feelings
finding what boosts certain chemicals in their brains
and calling it love
destroying the world
and making it their own
despite it not being any better than the original

individuals who try to write a better history
are rejected by a void of ears who do not understand
the importance of their words
quiet eyes stare blankly at their screens and their textbooks
impressionable minds stamped with the mark of society's own brainwashed

no one addresses the flaws
they are tucked down low
so no one can find them
the children
who still think
they are stamped with defective
forced into schools
round pegs trying to fit into square holes
forced in submission
by the people

humanity!
according to them, the best thing that has ever happened on earth

old, gloomy bridges
sway over bottomless abysses
their length unknown
as the ends are shrouded in mist
splintering from lack of care
quiet contemplation leads to
slight deliberation
on whether or not to
repair or let them self-destruct
worn down by Nature's tough love
they will break eventually
after centuries of neglect
but are they worth temporary preservation?

i function but cannot process
achieving normality at the price of memory
going through the fluid motions of life's challenges
separating my thoughts from my flawed actions
unbothered and apathetic;
my eyes are blurred and my mouth silent
if only the skies smiled
the veil over my eyes would lift
i could be animate once more
until the clouds frown again.

we sprouted wings
reckless in our adolescent love
we flew into the sun
attracted by its warmth
we reached for affection and found one another
in times of uncertainty and change
we grasped onto the slim love we had
and forced it to sprout
to grow into a flower
that wilted after several months
we became heedless
of the warnings given to us
we moved too fast
and did flips through the air
because everything was alright
until we burnt and fell
a flaming meteor,
finally returning back to earth
"us" died a spectacular death
tragic and full of lessons

but
we have a second chance
we have learned our lesson
we have grown up and matured
and now
we can use our wings
to soar peacefully together
without touching the sun
we can fly at our own pace
we can embrace without caring
about the consequences
we are the legends that made it
icarus watches us from above,
and calls us angels.

even if they won't
you'll always be mine
run and run my love
your escape makes you break
glass courage shatters with your will
demolish your walls to reveal desperation
i will ruin you
until you crawl back to me.

you told me to wait
but never told me how long
and so i've been waiting
patiently yearning
for something that will never come.

do you remember?

us and our fleeting gazes
hovering on the other
for just a second
before fleeing away?

our warm hugs and
bright smiles
matching the glory
of the sun?

the layers protecting our hearts
slowly falling away
until there was no need
for them to exist anymore?

but now your heart is locked tight
and your demeanor somber
i miss you but,
is it not my fault you aren't sober?

i'm staring at a blank screen
with the last vestiges of his voicemail
fade away in the stale air
i hear the voice of the automatic operator
more than i hear his
i've been stuck in the land of dreams
unable to face reality
but now that i've escaped
i can't find it any better
he smashed my heart
and i gathered what was left
put it in a cage, wrapped a curtain around
to remind myself to never again
i don't know how to love
i only know how to hurt
and so i hurt myself
lighting my soul aflame
and creating a wildfire of destruction.

i can see
your eyes are
drifting
far away
and they'll never
look back
at me

there's a thorn
stuck in my brain
i think it's from that rose you gave me
last valentine's day
and then laughed and took it away
play jokes on the pitiful one
who sleeps in the corner of the classroom
and draws all over her hands
when you stole it from my grasp and
handed it gently to another
i laughed
because that thorn was already sinking through my flesh
the pain was fine
i just wondered how long it would take to
become impossible to remove
i suppose now's the time
when i've already tried to take it
out from my head
but no
it has to stubbornly remain
in my head
it's very much like you.

i've never thought of myself as a poet
maybe it's because i don't view my forced out words
on the same level of light, rhythm, and desperation
that i have grown to view poetry with
these words do not rhyme
they are not eloquent, they are not loving
they are not warm with happiness
nor sick with depression
they are empty husks and they resemble their author
they speak of things they have not experienced
they long for things they will never attain
they flounder through the darkness with no guide
for these words are lost
in the blank expanse of my mind
i've never thought of myself as a poet
because i can never get the words just right
to bare my soul in front of the world
and say "this is mine."

please help my
eyes focus once again
please help pull
my brain out of the well it's dug for itself
because it dug itself too deep
and now it's drowning in a lethargic gray
you cant be saved unless you want to be saved
i didnt know how much i missed
listening without a heavy buzz over the underwater sounds
seeing without lights magnified thanks to diluted pupils
tasting without tongue feeling like a weight and all food the same, ugly flavor
talking without the mumbled incoherence that comes with having too much
smelling without the numbed scent of faint perfumes and then nothing
i want to listen to your mellifluous laughter
i want to see your bright eyes sparkle with excitement
i want to taste milkshakes with shared straws
i want to talk like a human, make jokes and laugh
i want to smell your perfume and hold your hand
won't you help me sober up?
i was in love with my addiction but now im in love with you.