you dreamt of better days,
   while all the nightmares haunted you.
you kept the hope alive,
    the hope that god hears the screams,
     the screams that escape you every night.
hoping that the day dreams you have could one day
        become a reality.
but your nightmares always haunted you,
     and this is why your hopes died,
      this why they fled from you.

speak gently of yourself
the same way you would
speak
of
someone you love.
let love echo in all the words you say about
your self.
                  
                             - self love

growing up my mom taught me a lot of things,
but she never taught me about the lies boys carry in their pockets.
she always told me that i will find him,
by him she meant the one who will have my heart forever.
but she forgot to tell me about the lies,
the deceit and the pain.
she never told me that some days would be heaven,
while some were hell.
she never prepared me for the burning that i would get,
the burning in my throat and lungs from the day he left me.

she never prepared me,
prepared me for the expectations of perfection,
she only told me that they would love me for me.
she never told me,
told me that i would spend days in my room crying,
crying because my heart had sank to my knees and i couldnt stand it anymore.
she never taught me,
taught me how to move on,
move on after my love became a never ending boomerang of sadness.

my mom never prepared me,
prepared me for the boys who say i love you with their crooked lips while their eyes wandered.
she never told me how dangerous these boys were,
the ones who always knew what to say.

I am not her,
i am not the girl that will sing "i love you's" and draw hearts on your shirt.
I am not her,
i am not the girl that will hold your hand and promise you forevers.
I am not her,
i am not the girl who will shout out your name in a crowded room just to show the world who you belong to.
I am not her,
i am not the girl who will buy us matching pendants and shirts.
I am not her,
i am not the girl who will be easy to love and easy to understand.

I am not her,
i am the girl who always scribbles words on papers,
reads poetry as a pass time,
naps for a living and is always indecisive.

I am not her,
but i might just be better.

Do not choose the girl who is battered and bruised,
the girl who always lost.
Do not choose the boy who is hurt,
the boy who never knew how to care.
Do not choose the girl with fears,
the one who never lives and is always scared.
Do not choose the boy with scars on his wrists,
the boy who has only one friend and that is his blade.
Do not choose the girl with a fake smile and drowsy brown eyes,
the one who only gives love but never accepts it.
Do not choose the boy with a loud laugh and a big crowd,
the one who has loneliness tattooed near his heart

Do not choose someone  not "normal",
by normal i mean someone with no flaws.
Do not choose them if you know you will constantly hurt them and learn new ways to tear them down.

Do not choose imperfection if all you wanna deal with is perfection.

will i ever let you love me?
  let you see past the gates of my locked fortress?

will i ever let you see me?
  see me in my vulnerability and pain?

will i ever let you touch me?
    touch my scars, touch my fears?

will i ever let you love me?
    let you love a person who only knows unrequited love?

will i ever let you near me, will i?
      cause baby i don't know,
       i have never been with anyone who stayed,
          stayed long enough to witness the flaws,
             or even witness my pain.....

i still have vivid memories of how hospital visits had become a norm.

i didn’t know that someone with so much life and charisma could just lay there with machines keeping them alive.

i never understood how the silence in between our chats were the scary words neither of us could say.

this wasn’t you,

this wasn’t how i knew you.

my thoughts, tears and screams struggled to the finish line..

each one hoping to get there first..

i held my fears in my throat and lungs,

i refused to believe the inevitable,

i refused to believe that life had an ending for all of us..

especially an ending for people as beautiful as you.

when i looked in your eyes that day,

it was as if you saw my soul..

as if you could see how it had hidden itself far away,

behind the smile,

behind the laughter,

behind the cheer..

maybe you did see my soul..

& you just didn't know how to tell your daughter that her fear of the inevitable would eventually be tested...

that i would eventually have to listen to somber words telling me to be “strong”

“it will be okay”

“she’s your angel now”.



if i could go back to that day,

i would remember to say goodbye....