I feel it deeper than my soul
A void growing larger than an abyss
Ravaging constantly
A mindset I reject
Trying with all my essence
To grip to the hope
One little smile will be what will save me
What will keep my nails dug
Into canyon walls
I want to keep climbing
Chasing clouds
I want to fade into the blue
Yet gravity holds me
Pulling me at me harder
As muscles wear thin
Exhaustion setting in
Safety rope long ran out
Still I climb
Still I set my sights on the horizon
Just over the edge
The only constant
Is the faith others have in me
That keeps strength in a broken spirit

Ritual circles drawn
Sacrificing all I had
In talents long gone
Gave it all up
Inspiration fading
Who am I now
Without pen and paper
A pencil without lead
Blank canvases fill my head
Artistry I sacrificed
Just to find love
Only finding the devils smile
Smirking at the joy
Of watching me wither in pain
I have nothing left
Too much lost
And I feel it all over again
Losing what little I held on to
Falling on the knife
Slitting the throat of my creativity
Bleeding it dry in every moment
I stay stuck in this ritual
Of self destructive tendencies
Is there no escape
Can I find my inspiration
Without knowing who I am
Little by little
I lose more of what I knew
All that helped me cope
With everything around me
My world of fantasy
No longer an image I can draw
No longer the words I write
Too much lost
And nothing gained
Someone tell me how
How do I get it all back
When it's been lost for too long

I'm not the god I thought I was
Reckless beyond all hope
Dodging more bullets than *******
Expecting concrete to be soft
Laying my life on the line
Thinking it was a safe bet
Adrenaline pumping pushing myself
Over every ledge I climbed
I may be the master of my own creation
Yet nowhere did I master my own emotion
Gambling feelings like poker chips
Life's own currency
Wasted on one night stands
Sipping the cup of life
Toxic in all its flavor and aroma
Stressed when my heart pockets are empty
Checks bouncing as I dance from girl to girl
Dinner dates and movie tickets
I've wasted my own prescious resource
Mining for a gem
Fooled by gold's luster
I don't want to die this way
Collecting debt with my sanity
Worrying the wealth I have left
Will be stolen from me again
I'd rather invest in my own goals
Mine for the strength to see myself
Without smoke and mirrors
So here's the only safe bet
Guaranteed to win
One quick glance in the mirror
Straighten the tie
Smile
I know I'm going to win
As long as my faith remains in myself

Fragrance of a million angels
Fills my nose when I held you
Weight of a bluejay feather
Brushed my lips when ours met
It wasn't love I chased
It was knowing you would be there
In my arms and on my lips
It wasn't addiction that kept you
In my presence
I fell asleep tracing your body
When it wasn't my bed you filled
Late hours I forgot
Wondering if our lips would meet again
That human side I almost rejected
Lost when I showed you my intentions
Every hour that's passed
One less conversation we've had
Was it even real
Or did I fantasize
All those hugs and kisses
Feelings of butterflies
Like middle school crushes
I didn't want to wake from that dream
Yet here I am staring at a ceiling
Wishing I could fall asleep
And find that same dream
Holding on to you
Kissing as the sun danced on the river
High enough view
Where you could see the city
Where I saw you on a canvas
I'm sorry I miss it
Every moment I spent with you
Was every memory I wanted to have
You were the drug
Numbing my pain
I'm just an addict
Wanting to forget that I exist
Every hug another needle
Every kiss another high
Every whisp of your fragrance
Enticing me to indulge
I don't want to lose it
So why did you wake me up

Tires squealing
Rubber meets asphalt
Melting into each other
As the motor still revving
Steering wheel cuts
Blackout
Metal to metal
An explosion ensues
Parts flying body's like ragdolls
Bones break skin
Glass shatters splintering bodies
How did we survive this torrent of chaos
His ankle breaks
Her body whiplashed
My leg  snaps
Concussion to severe to even remember
Even one act that took place
EMT telling me emergency surgery
Then hospital lights dim
And I'm awake wondering
How the **** did I get here
Panic sets
Questions boiling
Telephone doesn't dial itself
Is everyone alright
Yeah you were the worst
Thank God
Glad everyone's safe and alive
But I don't see how I am
Car twisted driver side caved
Windshield barely there
And I walk away on one leg
Whatever reason I have to live
I better hurry and live up to it
Before I **** myself putting 80 on the dash

Dreams always on the back burner
Friends always there
Family too close to care
I've always chased what I couldn't have
Always within reach
But missed by fingertip kisses
I've chased love and a relationship
Not Petty puppy love
But the real thing
Always chasing never chased
Even with her so close
Constantly too far
Am I making the right move
Trying to grasp something
I'm never meant to hold
I see my priorities
I have them accounted for
Yet what I've always wanted
Stays centimeters from me
Too far to chase
Too exciting to ignore
I always fall before I know the risk
My only reward another fracture in my soul
Stomach too twisted to care
Heart too cold to hold on
Am I just chasing shadows
Or is there a body
Casting the silhouette of my dreams
With her curls and fragile frame
Smile that echoes a thousand heartbeats
Eyes that fuel infernos
Too bright to not be afraid of
Her attitude too perfect not to adore
Maybe I'm not sane
Chasing what I know I can't have

Is it wrong
These feelings I feel
Hopelessly unreciprocated
Stuck in this black hole
Longing for your touch
On every heart string
Words I cling onto
Cliffs I scale every night
Before I dream of holding your hand
Is it delusional
How I think
Eventually there will be an us
I'm sorry I can't stop these feelings
I honestly don't want to
It's you I think of
Whether I'm with her
Or with another
I plaster your face on my eyelids
God's perfect sculpture
Ask me why I couldn't tell you
Every feeling I feel
Wrecking ***** to my chest
On every breath
If I died I want it carved on my headstone
The feelings I feel for you
My one desire
The bone chilling fire
That makes me wake up
When I know you're not around
Even in these messages
I pray to see you say hello in
Ask me why now
My answer remains the same
It's you I spend my life daydreaming about
The wind in your hair
Your eyes piercing my soul
The way you smell
Annihilating my senses
Overwhelming me with joy
Bc I'm that close to you
Is it wrong for me to feel this way
I don't care
I'd never want to be right if it was

Day in day out
Constant thumping in my chest
Headlights wrapped around the tree limbs
Of her well being
Is she happy
Does she miss me
She's all I think about
What steps do I take
To speed up this process
How do I convince a judge
What he/she is looking at
Isn't the monster they make me out to be
I'd never harm my daughter
Never issued I'll will against them
But every step is excruciating
Bc it puts me another week
Without her smile
Without her laugh
Without her hugs
I'm loosing faith
I'll ever see her again
But I keep preparing
Keep my head in the game
Knight to E4
This game of chess is brutal
Strategizing against lawyers
Decisions hardly my own
Why do they keep doing this
Petty notions just to see me behind bars
All I want is to see my daughter
Tickle her and Chase her around
Play hide and go seek
Peek-a-boo behind corners
Play tag till my feet hurt
She's all I think about
She's my daughter
And they robbed her from me
The only joy I had in this life
The only reason I kept breathing
Now oceans of bills
Unnecessarily weighing on me
Immature in all it's nature
This game they play isn't fair
It's emotional homicide
Using my daughter as the weapon
Knowing she's my only weakness
Yet I know she's my greatest strength

Count down begins
Will 3 walls of cement hold me
While the 4th only let's me ponder
On what's on the other side
Will the judges hammer
Find me innocent
To the slandering allegations
Or will I be trapped
Cage gerbil questioning my existence
Will I be free
To see my little girl
To talk to the best woman I've ever known
Feel the comfort of my own bed
Taste mom's home cooking
Smell the wild flowers
When I go 70 pass them
What will the outcome be
When the severity of it all
Is so overwhelming
You wonder what's the point of fighting
When all anyone sees
Is the tattoos and gauges
Criminal line up
Guilty before evidence denies
I'm the villian
Even if I was gone for the day

My heart grows weak
Mentality stronger
Knowing what I want
The consequences
Every decision brings
Bridges will burn
Staircases reach brick doorways
Life's a maze
Alternative routes
Backtracking a denied thought
Change
It's the thing we fear
Laughter at pain
Realizing the stupidity
In one action
Set free by another
One false move could be the last
But which ones
It's a dangerous game we play
Live love laugh cry regret
Dissolve when we close our eyes
Only thing they'll ever remember
Was the decisions
That changed you
Made you the person
You're still growing into
Toes to the water
Cannonballs just to live wild
What's the point of it all
Change is inevitable
But the memories
Are they worth it
Maybe if they're with the right one
Lessons are manufactured
Knowledge is implemented
Wisdom the reward
We offer the next generation