running low on food

eating a green apple

starving sounds like so much fun

once i step on that scale

i don't care about nothing

i'm avoiding everyone

no one really cares

and all my taste is going away

i can eat rotten food

if i'm rotten too

sad poems
are my medicine

sadness
feels like a blanket
and I'm still cold

I'm sad when others
feel blue

I feel heavy
knowing it's because of me

sometimes my existence
causes sadness

sadness to others
and myself

sad songs
are my medicine

it's okay to be sad

it's okay
to be

we don't drive down anymore
when we'd sit by the waves

you're so controlling
I can't play my music in the car

you're so demanding
I have no money

shaking my head to the music
pretend I'm listening

tiring
it's so tiring

hard to live life with a man
all he does is want
never gives me nothing

dealing with the pain
such a shame
you can't find yourself
beneath the materialistic waste
she has poor taste
in a reality where nothing exists
searching in the sky
for a depressing cloud
it's getting old
but for the love of my sanity
can you look outside please

bitter

no one has ever loved me
in ways I dream of

no one has confessed
no one wants to die for me

I'm so bitter

I hate love

even if
I want to badly fall in love

no one has ever looked at me
saying
look at my world

I'm not handsome
not pretty

I don't smile
I don't frown

I'm just bitter

I don't dress nice
I don't really care

so bitter

love will never find me

DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG

I'LL NEVER KNOW

WHAT IS RIGHT

WHAT IS WRONG

when one asks you to share a poem of your own
what do you send

a poem from years ago
full of uncertainty

a poem from yesterday
filled with confusion

a poem of love
a poem of sadness

a poem with rage
a poem with fear

secretly all fatigued

they're all filled with bits of my life

I sowed each letter and word
I tied them together
with my breath
finished the last sentence

I don't know which of all to send
I have no favorites
one is not better than the rest

I'll send one from today
if it's still breathing

if I ever leave

there's a million others
thinking about you

I'm not one

I am nothing

I accept it

I feel like everything

imagine a dream scenerio

where I can hear the waves

the wind picks up my spirit

I have it all

back then
when I didn't take pictures
all those moments are lost

slipping away inside a sand timer

do people change
do people grow

am I still the same person
I was months ago

I lose everything
I lose everyone

no one is mine to keep

the smell in my room
reminds me of home

can I take it with me
everywhere I go

everyone tells me what to do
there's nothing to talk about

why hasn't anyone asked me

waiting
the days seem endless
summer is fading away

sorry to disappoint
it's all I do
all I know

I can't exist in your presence anymore

I don't belong anywhere

I feel like a curse

bad luck follows me everywhere I go

I ruin everyone I touch

I used to be a good person

ever since I lost my soul

I eat everyone else's

what does it mean
when I see that look in your eyes
are you coming home late
do i wait or let you ring the bell

did you take an umbrella to school
is your head hurting
are you hungry

please don't worry anymore
I'm filled with guilty thoughts

you carry a heavy breath
your bones are slow

i hope you rest well
I hear you in the mornings
when you leave me all alone

will they bring me happiness or pain

a sorry question to ask

they'll bring both
and make it worth your time

a tearful answer

we don't get along

you're air

I'm water

we don't need each other

I can never reach you

why are you leaving me

slipping through my fingers

was anything ever real

were you happy with me

did i imagine all our love and connection

it depends

I'm either too little
or too much

never enough

to keep anyone

no one stays for long

we don't get along

you're air

I'm water

we don't need each other

I can never reach you

why are you leaving me

slipping through my fingers

was anything ever real

were you happy with me

did i imagine all our love and connection

it depends

I'm either too little
or too much

never enough

to keep anyone

no one stays for long

will we ever be friends again

strangers
who know each other

I still remember your favorite song

listening to it
reminds me of all our lost letters

you left
and I waited

no one wants to talk to me
that's fine with me

but what will everyone do
when they want someone to listen

I'm turning away
no one wants to talk to me

crawling back so soon
they all know I'm so useful

I'm a little manipulative
they think they're using me

I know what I'm doing
what I'm saying

everything I plan ahead

I don't want to talk to anybody

I've felt different kinds of loneliness

I know
love doesn't understand me
and I don't understand love

I am a sea of bitterness

I cry too many tears in the dark
without ending my life

I've got nothing to sacrifice

is the universe on my side

I wait patiently

these are the sign of the times

with the windows down
your hand outside

my hair curls


the beer you never drink
is my poison

those sleeping pills
I'll never know why you bought

you keep sending your audio clips
I don't feel like responding today or tomorrow

all your plans for tomorrow
I will ruin

will you knock on my door
when you will you realize I'm not asleep

it's a long drive from home
the front door unlocked

how much longer till we fall apart

I can't help but feel
life without me
would be so much better

I will miss the sound of your guitar

but I want to escape your judgement

no matter how many good songs you play

I still feel empty inside

I can see a storm behind your eyes

you hide behind an empty void

trapped inside my emotions

I can never find yours

you're close to me
but I'm not close to you

guess we're feeling different kinds of love

every time you call
you call to talk to yourself
I sit in the background

I wonder what's it like to have a real friend

there's no wind in sight
the lightning is warm

I'm so alone
not one ghost in this house to be scared of

teary windows
trying to ***** out all the sadness

haven't this way in a long time
feeling brave and courageous

next day
it's all down the drain

I'm too scared to get out of bed
it'll be all over once I open my eyes

I keep asking for anything for someone
all my demons are tired of me

not one angel cares about me
the gods have a look of regret when they see me

haven't felt like this in a long time
I'm scratching down my leg
does it count as self harm
if I didn't bleed

this rain feels so lost
if I get bad news I'll self destruct

running into the months closed off pool
with murky water
I will swallow my fears

I knew
I haven't felt this way in a long time

I have a feeling in my gut
not everything will be okay

and I was right
miracles don't exist

I know I must be punished
I know it's all my fault

I sincerely apologize this time

I carried so many lies
all the webs are stuck inside my throat

I feel suffocated everyday

no one to blame but myself

I haven't felt like this before
is it my first time

I appreciate the word soon

something or someone to look forward to

tried to make plans
but there's no time to meet anytime soon

searched for ways to pronounce love
still can't say it right

we've sat in different laundromats
side by side

this time you didn't have any coins
all I could do was laugh

I hate you

thank you for making me smile today

I love you too

empty promises
I plant in your head
they're all dead
why would you ever believe me
I'm scared of everything
so scared of myself
i smile hoping someone can decipher the hidden pain
everyone thinks I'm mysterious
I'm actually an open book
you come home
I can feel your worries
empty promises
I planted in your head
I manifested everything we have
now how do I pay you back

I make empty promises
I wish you'd stop this
I wish you'd notice

we fall behind each other

I had lots of dreams
turn into nightmares

I'm good
I'm really good
sometimes

I'm very bad
so bad
all the time

promises
keep them

I can hear the winter sadness

to be cold and alone
frozen and sad

all these dead promises
fading into the sky

I'm so destructive
I need to break something
I used to break myself

did what I had to do

should've jumped out the window
when I was twelve

what's it good to cry now
crying won't fix anything

I missed you so much
I kept you away

you saw the ugly and lost
I wasn't half full

those days
I forgot the moon existed
the stars were taken

pushing you away
I want you to see a better me

I hate the way you love me
even after I treat you like a nobody

I can feel a million thoughts
threatening to break free

I try and be happy beside you
truth is
I want to fall to the floor and cry

I know I'll be okay
but I was hoping you'd tell me

now I'm sleeping alone
I have all night to cry

I'm afraid I'll wake up and not find myself

this isn't what I pictured
didn't know that sunset was our last

I felt the sunlight rain down on me
I held it as long as I could

deep breaths
I'm not alone

I have to remind myself
in this empty house

I don't feel real

call me by my name
forgot the sound
when it leaves someones lips

I've been in love with pills since I was thirteen
thinking they would cure me
heal me

she never did
she never gave me a hug
so I gave my teddy bear the hugs I wished

I hide the bottles in the most open space
they never catch me
I'm quiet like a ghost

things haven't been the same
I can't sleep right these days

I should've said something
every time I try
my mouth is filled sobs

in the mornings
I see the cracks
I'm breaking
one day I'll fall to the floor
crying like a baby

while I wait
I'll take another pill

you don't really know anything about me
I've changed so much since last week

you never ask me
now you're wondering

was it something you said
is it going to hurt

you're annoying me
so I'm closed off

I'm so tired of feeling guilty
why don't you talk to someone besides me

I want to feel the energy
of the universe

I want to be a star
I want to be a light

feel so warm
feeling so full

all my tears will become shooting stars
dancing in the sky

this flesh and blood
means nothing

give me back my soul

this emptiness
so lonely

I want to connect to your heart
I'm a stranger to everyone I know

give me my soul
let me be conscious of the world

I want to feel everything and everyone around me
like the day I was born

what a cruel thing
to notice
and not say anything

my anxiety is killing me
inside out

even as I watch the world fall and crumble
I can't help but hate myself

pathetic and lonely

I can see all my enemies laughing

yet
I refuse to give them the satisfaction
seeing me dead in a casket

even if I grow old and miserable
I want them to know
I walk with my head high

I'm so empty
I barely care about anyone or anything

I'll have to thank them for keeping me alive

you called me by the name I told you

you were there in my loneliness

how can I forget

the girl that lived
in the middle of nowhere

I know nothing about her

she goes house to house
she smokes and doesn't eat well
I wish I knew where she was now

I still remember
thinking we were invincible
in our small ways

you walked me with me in the autumn
how many years did I let go

you found someone else

I see you everyday
with your boyfriend
he makes you smile

I see you with your friends
they make you laugh

it's so hard to let go
but I don't fit inside your world anymore

I can't let you go
excuses
making up more excuses

we we're something
I can't forget

if I let you go
can I still remember

every little thing we ever did

don't cry

how dare you

I was right here

all the faces

no one saw through mine

all these faces

I can feel your sadness

cheer up

I will be around

even when I don't take your call

feeling so lost

I miss some faces

if you ever go back

tell me

can you see through mine

I was contemplating suicide
in the living room
while you sat so close in the other room

you played your favorite album on the record player

it's my mistake
I'm okay
but sometimes the thought
crawls into my head

thinking about
would it all be better if I was dead

I feel the same
no matter how much I pretend
I feel the same
no matter how much I try
I feel the same
tell me why

it hurts
to think about all the things I hate

I think of all the hurtful memories
the ones that left me scars

I think what ifs
what if I wasn't here right now

no one is going to hold me tight
no one will tell me it's okay

perhaps
sleeping alone isn't the same anymore

I don't want to retrace my steps
and regret my decisions

but I question myself
thinking
was this the best I could do

it's always too late to go back
now I toss and turn every night

sleeping early feels impossible now

this is torture
closing my eyes
never able to rest

we walked along the green
now we're breathing calm with the windows down

silent my thoughts aren't running away

one day we could live like this
let me keep this dream

do you think
we could live 10 floors up in the city

blinded by the lights

i know what i want

I don't make friends anymore
I don't know who I am
who am I
who do they want

am I funny
is it annoying

am I the cool boy
the cool girl
is it mean

I don't talk to anyone these days
I stay inside my head too much these days

I try and come out sometimes
I go back when everyone ignores me

I feel like a walking mirror
I'll reflect whoever you want me to be

I wake up alone
remember the days we shared a room

the tree behind us
it never bloomed

we're so dead
I could never breathe

you still find ways to manipulate me
I can hear your toxicity through the phone

best if we stay alone
away from ourselves

you make me feel guilty for eating
so I don't

I want to see you one last time

I want to smile when I see you

say hello
ask how are you

I hope to see you
one last time

I want you to meet me
happy and content

no more torment
no more insecurities

I just want you to see me smile
I want you to fall
so I can catch you

miss the windy nights
walking in the dark

you're were so close
so far away

I wasn't fast enough
can't match your pace

you always walked ahead

wait for me
I'll be ahead soon

I'll catch up

we can run together
somewhere they can't see us

go wild
get drunk

I want to buy the night sky
you can have what's mine

I loved the pain
don't eat it

don't hurt yourself

addicted to emotions
can't keep up

they're so good
I want some more

love it when you're crying
love it when you're laughing so loud

I'm watching you drown
nothing can save you

I can't help you
don't reach out

I'll be leaving now

you eat the pain
hurting yourself with all those mindless people

you can't help yourself

I don't want you anymore

do you need me

I don't like your ideations

complaining

can't listen to a word I say

crying

I'm hiding

silence

all I want is silence

you're so poisoned

you're so toxic

I can't breathe

please don't chase after me

I don't want you anymore

so regretful I'd ever keep you around

I hate to be so harsh

you don't want to snap out of it

addicted to the bad environment

you love the dramatics

why are you crying

you create disasters

I'm disappointed

who are you now

who hurt you

I'm afraid

did I