those countless weekends
we'd drive up to the lake

I was so miserable
I wanted to die

now we have no time
your schedule doesn't fit with mine

a day to visit old ghosts
will never come

I wonder how we can do better
nevermind I can't change

sleep tight
I'll wake you up soon

you never think twice
never help me in anything

now it's for yourself
now you're all alone

why are we so distant
we're breathing under the same roof

another week
I pay for your laundry

everyday I'm scared
I don't know who you really are

that terrifying thought creeps into my head
won't you tuck me into bed ?

I'm begging
open my head

tell me what's wrong
I don't know

everything is so loud
and quiet all at the same time

turn off the lights
is it almost night time

I don't get to run around and have fun
I didn't get to keep my youth

everything is so unfair
so I play the victim

I point fingers
filled with blood

crack open my head
I don't know how to speak anymore

it was so easy to lie in the daylight
nothing is my fault

I'm begging
just tell me how to fix everything

blood stains on the wall
it's all my fault

stars falling from the ceiling
I can't catch them all

cutting everyone off
just to see them in pain

don't like when they ask questions
they're distant when they know more about me

I'm a mess
there's more to know
but nothing I'll ever tell

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

he wished me a happy birthday
in case he never sees me again

so I tell him
some of my secrets

if we ever meet again
I'll sow my mouth shut
and accept the consequences

I sleep with his dead body
he's so warm

I imagine his breath hitting my face

in my mind
it's a loud room

his whispers linger
in the dark

our bodies dance
around the fireplace

I'm not afraid

he's almost there
I'm almost there
we're almost there

I'm almost there
he's almost here
we're almost there

almost there

what's the most important thing to you

you're joking around

I used to drop everything

to answer your silent calls

now we stand face to face

you seem different

you're not the boy I remember

you're not the man I hoped you'd be

sorry

I chose the sound of rain
over your voice

I missed you call
you're not so important anymore

quiet down
it's raining now

sorry

you're lost

a locked box
I can't seem to open up

understand
I have given up

slipping through
I can't get inside you

your tall walls
tower me

don't tell me to wait
I've done everything

don't tell me to have patience
what more can I do

what can I do
to make you love me

another night I sleep without you
don't call me again

it's raining
I'll fall asleep soon

you told scary stories
you're stuck in

sorry

you're my new obsession

don't tell me anything about yourself

let me wander around in your darkness

can't stop thinking about you

I'm so cold

this fascination will be the end of me

don't stop this

a new love blooming

catching all the dead leaves

no one really knows how cynical I can be

how manipulative

possessive for this new love

I won't let you go

you're not what you seem to be

collecting stars
to glow in the dark

all this money wasted
are you happy with me

should I quiet down
do I talk too much

slowly losing interest
you're everything I imagined

there's nothing special inside you

an empty smile

haunting me in my sleep

I'm weak
push me harder

I don't want to know
even if I break soon

I might run out of time

will I make it
can I still make it

why can't I do perfect things
everything I touch is torn apart

at the end of the day
when my shoulders are tense

nothing can help me
I'm so stressed

with a million things to do
I try and keep quiet

don't want to scream and cry

push me harder
so I can fall

let me hit the ground
till I can't remember anything anymore

my hair is turning blue
shades of light gray

sweet november
are you close

I keep staring
hoping someone catches my eye

if you ever need a friend
don't come running

I'm in another world
lost in a memory

my past
present
and future are merging

into one
I can't find myself

I know I'm fading
waiting for all the leaves to fall
so I can pick them up
so I can crush them all

if I'm a color
I'm a sick blue

I owe my childhood friends gold
for all the memories I still hold

I carry them everywhere I go
and I whisper their names once a month
to remind myself they exist

even if we only spoke ten words
I still carry you in my head

those dark winter days
and the bright spring afternoons

I can't forget those innocent moments
where we all had pure eyes and clean mouths

they've forgotten me
I know

I faded into a figure with no name
no face

but their faces are still crystal clear
like a picture I saved inside a locked box

I owe them the world
I owe them a smile and thank you

can me girl one more time

I'll break your nose

call me ma'am

might punch your face

feel something inside

doesn't feel right

I'm so done with it

might do something drastic

not to be dramatic

don't call me dear

I'm not your love

stop with the sweetheart and darling

silly you

next time I won't bite my tongue

and you'll have a dark ****** bruise

thought I was doing fine

my skin is tearing apart

all my wounds never heal

running away from my past mistakes

catching up they always do

I'm doing fine

I believed

counting down the days for nothing

I think I'm okay

trying not to think at all

I'm so tired of myself

hard to wake up
everyday in this skin suit

where do I go now
don't like counting down the days

november whispers to me
in a quiet dream

reality breaks my heart
recreating our last days in my head

I'm a little tired
hope some sleep will help me

apologizing for leaving me alone
you don't remember us from five years ago

why do we pretend
spit it out

I left you
and we drifted away

no one ever calls me back
no one ever comes back

but if they do
I become paranoid

are they haunting me
why are they back

am I
someone to return to

he's worth
all the judgemental stares

the age difference
she's older
he's beginning to realize it's fate

he doesn't look up to her
he just wants to have fun and make her smile

all she wants is laughter

they wait for every thursday
to feel alive

longing stares
a small touch
so small
did it even happen at all

you were right behind me
now you're gone

why is it
every time I look to you
you're looking back at me

still remember the day
our hands first touched
I made a wish in my head
repeating it over and over
till it came true

so small
the moment
our eyes meet
I hope you made the same wish

you're not mine
the ring on your hand
reminds me
I must pull away

looking away
it means nothing
I don't feel anything

that **** ring
reminding me
I must be going crazy

I won't stop you from saying
what I want you to say

I won't stop you
because it's what I want to hear

a few white lies
won't hurt you

still haven't learned my lesson
still have them all unfinished

all the white lies I tell
become tainted and stained inside out

stay

you're my opposite
you're a lime
I'm a lemon

all of your last words
drowning in a fire

the flames are melting
all of your sweet dreams

your last goodbye
I'll never read it

I don't ever look back

there's no stopping it
I'm overthinking it's so loud
why did I think it

undecided
whether I should leave you

should I leave you
before you hurt me

I can sense the pain
I know it's ahead our way

don't pretend
we're fine

we're so far from normal
you hate to accept we're a bad decision

hurts to be your second choice
hurts to be the whoever whatever doesn't matter

hurts to be pushed to the side

lost your trust once
never got it back again

what happens when I lose yours

what happens if I lose you

pretending I don't care
even though I waiting for your reply

what time will you respond
what time will you love me

will you have me
will you have me

feels like we're further apart
feels like we're more distant

did you forget all our plans for February
did you forget

hurts to know
one day I'll lose you

slipping away
there's nothing to make you stay

months have passed

suddenly my name is mine not yours

you took everything I had

I'm free now

I have to remind myself everything I miss you

silly me

missing you after all the suffering I went through

suddenly I can hear my name feel like myself

walking home alone

something you never let me do

still I think I should have spent more time with you

just to build more memories

wish we could ride the bus early in the morning to eat breakfast in the city

one last time

before I run away again

you taught me to run

so I did

there's not enough hours to sleep

I can't find peace

walking up like a zombie

I hate this society

I can't sit down

standing up when I want to fall

there's not enough time

my brain is dead

now I wish to go back to the beginning of the year

filled with pain

but there I could rest

I'm avoiding your calls
still don't feel like talking to you

would like to have a simple conversation
bur you're someone different

I hate our phone calls
let me not answer them ever again

all our conversations
lost into a void of numerous codes

all our shared voices
our tall tales

afternoon voice calls
doing laundry with you on the phone

I loved you
when I realized you saw the ugly parts of me

I lied and I ran
but you were always there
when I came back

I think I was in the wrong
you're so sweet
hate that you saw the good inside me

I was bitter
I hated you
hated myself and everyone else

I didn't think there would be a day
you would find someone else

didn't think there would be a time
you would leave

when are you coming back
please don't let it be

remind me I'm still good
even if I don't deserve you

truth is
I hate being the bad guy

but I said I was sorry

that wasn't enough
this time

no one loved me like you

I took you for granted
lost my advantage

no one else matters
like you

I'll wait
if you ever want to come back
I'll be here waiting forever

when all the flowers fall
when the cold breeze touches my face

we never change for the better
we can't be any better

would you do it all again
would we go through it all again

do it all
do it all again

just to be sitting on the porch with my old friend
just to see us fall in love and fall apart

growing up
finding different kinds of love

you have to grow up
to learn more about love

all the pain
the lost and found

broken hearts
still I found ways

to love again

love is the only real thing
that exists

watching my hair into snow

do I look older
am I still young

somedays I miss my mom
somedays I love my dad

my nails are unpainted
keeping the windows open

making calculations
so fast how my money is gone

quiet laura playing in the background
I say I'm not nervous but I sleep filled with anxiety

hair fading into white
I hope it snows this winter
I'll melt into a puddle

wonder why things are the way they are
doesn't make sense to me

days feel like a blur now
dreaming of the days I was a child

stressed out
tearing off my skin

dry hands
and chapped lips

I'll never forget
the day he leaned his head on my shoulder

or the night
she rested her head on my legs

on a car drive
in the back seat
I knew I wouldn't watch over her for long

I left him
so unexpectedly
but I remember him sending me
an I miss you


all these moments in time
are they ending
are they repeating
over and over again

forget all about love

I just want someone to hate my guts

does anyone find me disgusting

tell me you hate me

do you ever close your eyes
in rage

I'm still breathing

doesn't anyone hate my existence

all I want

a craving and curiosity

hate me just a little more

let me have a taste of hatred

what happened to being so invincible

don't blame it on the weather

it's not so late
why so sleepy at this hour

you used to be so good
you had it all in the palm of your hand

falling asleep so soon
can't open your eyes

goodnight
your mistakes will greet in the morning

how I wish
to be alone

how I wish
I was on earth alone

I wish
everyone could leave this planet

I wish
we could take care of it

we don't even care for ourselves
we don't even care about each other

I want to be alone

strange thoughts
swimming inside my head

I want to take off my skin
it gets tiring living in this society

why are we superficial

wealth isn't real

thinking about life
somewhere a sky has no stars

somewhere
I am old and somewhere I am young

there is no time

I want to read forever

forever isn't enough

thinking about water
plants and animals

I speak with nature

though
I have a great disconnection with other humans
can't seem to care

I understand emotions
studying everyone else's
since I don't carry them for myself

humans are hateful
filled with greed and hunger

unsatiable

we are our own destruction

there is no God

we are alone

filled with fear

I still love to see you
I just wish you didn't see me

In times like these
I wish I was faceless

and
everything I thought was so hard

isn't hard
at all

everything I wanted
I have

everything I was so afraid of
it's not so scary now

all my fears
and anxiety
disappeared

I'm so lucky right now

I'm not scared of anything now

I'm so high right now

even in my lows
I can't touch the ground

everything I thought
isn't true

the planets are aligning

found my silver lining

when are we going to admit
we're so wrong

together
we're a disaster

beautiful
cutting off everyone

now we're all alone
is this what happiness looks like to you

you think you hold the key
where are you running off to

admit it
admit it
admit it

me and you
we're no good

walking through
I feel my shoulders drop

in the middle of the road
kind of want to cry out loud

I know it's another heavy day
is it almost friday

this endless routine
I'm so tired

no more time
I'm dissociating during work

losing myself
where am I
what am I doing

forgot what's the day
forgetting I have a name

this face of mine
I don't recognize

a small favor
tired of waiting

dreaming
of someone's love

to be in love
how does it feel

what is it like

my heart is so cold
I don't know how to love anyone

hopelessly
looking for love in crowded spaces

walking into places
with the angel of death attached to my soul

do you think everyone knows

keeping everything under control
an illusion

am I so delusional
I can't tell

all my lies become the truth
my guilty conscious is free

I can finally sleep in peace

soft wet grass

I can't wait to see you wear my jacket

buying it with you in mind

maybe it's yours to keep

while the rain falls gently

crashing into a wave of sadness
I can't breathe

feels so ugly
to be lonely

no one waiting for you at home
no one to call for good news

eating alone
walking alone

everyone's faces
disappear into the weary clouds

all my wishes come true
why am I not happy
why am I not satisfied

feeling to my stomach
I hate lying now

now I'm cursed
I have to keep this lie

it feels so wrong
I don't want to lie anymore

is this how we live

where did all my hope go

my legs feel strange

I feel robotic

they're making us lose our humanity

I feel teary

not a single tear falls

you don't want to be me

wishing to be dead one day
feeling all of life the next

you don't want to wear my body
it's so heavy filled with lies and secrets

you don't want my words
I can't express the way I feel

you don't want my emotions
too strong to contain I let them all go to waste

I'm so sleepy
I sleep at 3 am

be someone else
don't be like me

the trees are still green

I have to whisper a lullaby

slowly they fall asleep

all the flowers will fall

the sky won't always be this blue

all the leaves will fall into my hands

I'm falling asleep

waiting for the cold rain