eileen

eileen Jan 2021

I wonder if they have expectations of me
Did they think so highly of me
What do they think of me
Who am i
I tried keeping my distance
I didn’t want any closing
Or friendships
Could’ve kept my mouth shut the whole time

He was friendly
He was nice
He was funny
He was helping
He is not what I thought he was

I’m torn
I hate myself
For trusting a man

I feel stupid and pathetic
innocent and naive

I know i can’t fix anything
If i don’t ask for help

I’m still a coward who wants to run away
My ego is big and I want to prove them wrong
I can’t do both and I can’t do only one

Cooperating
How if i have no reason

I don’t owe them anything
What does anything matter anymore

These past months feel wasteful

I want to throw every memory away

I can still feel his face in my neck

Whispering “do you like it?”

eileen Jan 2021

I thought you liked it

my neck still burns

he made me crumble and fall

he ruined my life

why did he touch me without my permission

I can't erase it from my head

I can't sleep

I can't eat

why did he ruin everything

my skin still burns

how much longer
when can I wash this disgusting feeling away

why did he do this to me

I almost convinced myself it was my fault

turned everything into anger
I wish I could **** him

I hope I ruin his life

the damage is done

he haunts me now

I'm so scared

to feel this weak and broken

eileen Jan 2021

predictions

I don't have to write something
I don't care what day it is

is it happy
it's just a new year

it rains
too cold to get out of bed

I feel so alone
even with you here

eileen Dec 2020

martha

all eyes on me
trying to hold back the tears

I can't imagine a life without you
it hurts too much to

you're the only one left
don't leave me yet

it seems from the outside
I don't love anyone

I don't know how to

I love the memories we made

please keep breathing

please don't leave me

please keep breathing

please don't make me cry

let me hug you one last time

eileen Dec 2020

A.

angel
devil in disguise

I think you did something to me
it wasn't right

you and me
we lie

it's the only way
we sleep at night

a tragic story
our relationship is broken and unloving

paint a smile on our faces
uncomfortable conversations

put the devil in your name
there's nothing angelic about your face

together we make
the perfect lie

we're only happy
until we're caught in our web of lies

eileen Dec 2020

dreams of delusion

you left a bitter taste in my head

all the birthday gifts I bought you
meant nothing

you're another mistake on my list

why did I tell you all my secrets and dreams

you left a crack on the walls I built

but I never let you inside

now it's feels so good

it was too good to be true

where did all our delusional dreams go

I'll find someone new

you don't deserve me

throw me away

I think you'll regret all of your decisions

I say

was anything

everything we did

does it have any worth

now all I feel is worthless

all the minutes seconds and hours we spent together feel like a waste of time

eileen Dec 2020

for the second time

I'm crying
for the first time

I'm accepting it
now you're gone

I'm never enough
for anyone

all these months
did they mean anything to you

how can you just leave me
so easily

off you go
I taught you everything you know

all those late night calls
or the morning ones

I never put you last
why did you forget me so fast

I know I'm no one's first choice

so I became everything you wanted
why don't you want me anymore

you're in love
and I'm crying

for the first time
feeling used

don't you have anything to say to me

I don't want to know
I won't answer the phone

I'm all alone

I wanted the best for you
but the best for you isn't with me

I want the worst now