I think we both know I'm not the one
But hey, maybe this'll be fun.

It's easy to fall in love with someone when you believe their touch is magic and their words were meant just for you. It's easy to love someone who smiles at you in class and who holds your hand in the hallway. It's so easy to love the idea you created in your head of someone, but when you finally realize that their touch was toxic and their words were ******* knives you'll see that what you thought love was is actually pain and you'd do anything for it as long as they called you beautiful at the end of the night. Smiles can be deceiving, baby girl, and sometimes when he grabs your hand it's not because he loves you but because if you got away he'd have nothing left to control. Don't let anyone spit poison in your mouth unless they're willing to spend all night in the emergency room with you when you try to rip it out of your veins to stop the burning in your throat and the aching inside your heart.

It took me almost eighteen years to learn that you don't have to quit breathing to be dead, to be gone.

It comes and goes in waves, sometimes like a hurricane, and when it's crashing on the shore it's almost as if it's crashing into me, destroying all the walls I built to keep myself safe, to keep myself sane.

I've been dead for a while now, and you cry at night because you don't know how to fix me, and I don't cry anymore because I know there's no use.

I'm sorry that I gave up on myself, and I'm sorry you haven't learned that it's easier to let someone die than to try and revive a ghost.

It gets easier, that's what my mom told me after the boy I would've died for pulled my heart out of my chest and watched me bury myself alive.
It gets easier to hide the tears when someone asks how you are, and it gets easier to pretend not to see them in the halls holding hands with the cute girl you always knew he liked. It gets easier to fight every urge in your body that wants to call him after you had four shots, and it gets easier to kiss the nice boy at the party who tastes like spring. It gets easier when you haven't talked to him and three months and you realize you don't think about him when you drive past the place you first held his sweaty hand. It gets easier when you can be by yourself and be okay with it.

It doesn't really matter if I choose to ignore you, because my eyes are always drawn to you like you're the only other person in the world and sometimes I wish I was blind because pretending to not notice you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm sure it wouldn't do me much good because I can feel you in every bone of my body, as if you were a flame and I was paper and we got just a little too close. I swear I caught on fire the first night you kissed me but for some reason I haven't fallen to ashes on the floor yet, but jesus **** I wish I could.

I spent six months trying to wash you out of my system, knowing all too well that it'd take more than three shots of ***** and a few walks down my street to forget how you used to grab my waist and kiss my forehead.

I spent 26 weeks wondering how you're doing, wondering where you went, wondering why I wasn't good enough to come with you. 26 weeks locked in a prison,  with my heart in a cage beneath my ribs, dying to be anyone else, anywhere else, if it meant I didn't have to think about you.

I spent 182 days crying on the bathroom floor, ignoring all the times my mom told me that it would get better, because the only way I could be better was with you next to me. 182 days wishing she'd be right.

I spent 4,368 hours untying the knots you left around my heart, trying to untangle myself from you, but it was of no use, because after 4,368 days, you called me and I found myself in a tangled mess at your feet, eager to wrap around you again.

I spent 262,080 minutes rotting in the shell of my body because you threw me out one day. 262,080 minutes, crumbling in on myself, because you said that you didn't love me anymore, after I carved out my insides to make room for the broken boy down the street.

I spent 15,724,800 seconds waiting for the day that I could look in the mirror and not see the puffy eyes from last night's tears, the day that I could finally see myself again. 15,724,800 seconds, waiting for the day that I became whole again after giving myself away to a boy who didn't care.

But the worst part is, I'd spend the next six months waiting for you if you said you wanted me to.

I found you in a pool of blood in the bathtub of your grandfather's house and I swear it took a lifetime for the ambulance to show up and I was crying and holding your hand and watching the life drain from your eyes that once were so beautiful and blue but now are just hollow and dead and they wouldn't let me see you for almost a day but I cried in the waiting room the entire time. I guess you weren't lying when you said that house reminded you of death.

I feel so alone, and it's really nobodies fault but my own. I make excuses to stay home, even though I'd love to be with my friends at that party. I make excuses all the time and I don't know why.

I never understood why they called it 'falling in love' until you kissed me. I must have lost my balance somewhere along the string of 'you can trust me' and 'I'll never hurt you's' because I fell and I couldn't find somewhere steady to catch myself. But then you slammed the door when you left and I hit the bottom and I shattered on the kitchen floor and I realized that falling means breaking and 'I love you' has an expiration date.

The circle of life says that anything born must die and Jesus **** I must have died at least a hundred times by now and I swore my heart stopped beating when you slammed the door but I can still hear the 'I love you's' and I can still see the way you look at her and grab her by the hips with the same hands that you had around my ******* neck so it only makes sense that someone would have put me in the ground by now but I guess the poison you spit into my mouth hasn't made its way to my bloodstream yet.

You can't give your heart away to every boy who calls you beautiful. He won't call you the next night and soon enough you'll be wondering why your heart is empty while you cry in the bathroom. You can't change everything about yourself so the people you call your friends accept you. You'll look in the mirror one day and won't recognize the person staring back at you and I promise you that it will be the scariest moment of your life. You have to learn to love who you are, flaws and all, or one day you're going to forget who you used to be before you thought you weren't enough and when you finally figure it out, it's going to be too late.

You could bend me until I break, hell, you already do// or you could snap my neck, I'm sure that would work too// It doesn't matter how you do the killing if you're in it for the thrill// and I'm sure you don't mean it, you say you never do.// I guess I grew accustomed to the lack of air// you'd think i would be gasping// but the weight of your world is far too much to bare.// I thought I was in love with you but I just like the pain// It doesn't matter anyway,  I spent too long waiting for a train that never came.//