Not to be too macabre
But here I am in my own head again
With the haunting realization
That if you think of the most painful
Most gruesome way
Someone has suffered
It is likely
That it has happened on this earth
Am I the only one who thinks this way?
As I sit here pondering about death?
I realize and put it into words
To think that someone out there
Right now
Is suffering the most unimaginable pain

And I feel worthless for a moment
For I can do nothing to assuage their suffering
How pitiful I feel
For I cannot help them
How miserable I am, that even if I was there
Could I help them?

Suffering is a haunting song
With tones of rhythmic chaos
Created by our own acts
Created by others actions
But here I sit, unable to do anything at all

But if we could rid the world of suffering
And never have to worry about the nameless
The helpless and hurting people
What would be willing to give up
Would we give it up?
And now I wonder what is more wretched
That people suffer and I can do nothing
Or the question of if we could stop suffering
And give up all we had
In totale
Would we?

He cared so much it consumed him
Moderation was not in his creed
He sacrificed his soul and limb
To attain the goal to forever be freed

He cared so much it killed him
So much so he became a wretch
A villain in the story
Fixated on the stretch

He cared so much to help the world
But in the end he was seduced
Addicted to his plan unfurled
To a scoundrel he was reduced.

There's something inside of me
And I'm afraid of what I see
It matters not how it came to be
For I am here, For I am me

I cannot turn away from its glare
It's piercing eyes and slanted stare
I look inside my sins laid bare
These muted lies I dare not share

The broken glass of a shattered soul
A gaping void and endless hole
I sit awake at night, as the weight takes its toll
Searing pains like scorched coal

A wasteland sprawls across my war torn heart
Where no mans land has torn apart
And wiped away the canvas art
No longer sweet but bitter and ****

I see something inside of me
And it's too hard to admit you see
For when I turn away to break free
I see a world as bleak as me

Until we feel the softest rains
And sand between our toes
Till we see our breath on morning days
Or taste the wind that gently blows

Until we smell the earthy dew
Or feel the pebbles in our grasp
Till the lightning flashes through
Till the leaves all fall at last

Until the sparrow sings its final song
Or the wisteria finally blooms
Until we face the moon for long
We shall be fearful of what looms

We tend to think
That living forever
Would be a curse
But then I ask
What is heaven?

Perhaps it isn't the time
That makes it worthwhile
But the people
We spend it with

You can feel a tear welling up inside you
A pressure behind your eyes
And you know
Your eyesight blurs and your nose starts to run
And you try to hold those tears back

It's a beautiful thing to cry
To mourn
To sob quietly within
Because your mind is not in control
Your soul takes the reigns
And tears start to roll

Pure emotions start to flow
And for an instant
You are you
For an instant you realize
How much you cared
Cared enough to cry

Crying is something we tend
To be embarrassed by
But I think crying,
Releases your inner you
And it shows how overcome
A spirit can be

Love yourself
Before you love another
Or else you'll always wander
And wonder
What love is.

He sat atop his marble throne
In silks of radiant hue.
His enemies, to wolves he'd thrown
His decrees were swift and true.

In his right hand he held power to love
In his left, the power to destroy.
Atop his towering throne above
Iron grip he did employ.

He came from nothing and now had all
And cut down a thousand men.
Saw the rise of brutes and fall
And vowed to rid the world of them.

Atop his regal pedestal of stone
On the backs of nameless men.
Alone atop that white marble bone
A tyrant sat just as back then.

I peer out again
To the courtyard outside my window
Where I face the many neighbors
I never see

I see evidence of life
But never life itself

Sometimes, I wonder.
If I live in a vacant building
Alone amongst spirits
With a sunlit Courtyard
All for me

There is a sadness to the cheater
Whether he be a cheater of love
Or knowledge
Of ideas or simply looks.

Done maliciously,
A cheater can hurt
They can steal
And their conduct
Can sting.

But some cheaters,
Most cheaters,
Are afraid
Afraid of what
They do not have.

Corner cutters
And "good enough" types
Too afraid to give it their all
There is a battle of thought within them,
To take something else when they believe,
They can't meet expectations alone.

Pity the cheaters that act out of fear
Their hearts are made of paper
And their courage is held up with wire
Resorting to steal and lie because
They do not trust themselves.

Hatred is not evil
It is a spawn of evil
Born from it
Caused by it

Like a knife
It is wielded
By some who want peace
And others destruction

Do not hate hate
Grip it tightly
Master it
And let it set the fires

Within your soul

It takes a village to raise a child.
Conversely, it takes a village
To destroy a child.
And that child
Whom the village
Does not embrace
Will burn it down
To feel its warmth

I'm so sorry
That I did not treat you better
And that
I let my anxieties
Ruin the moment

There is something seductive about your words
Your ideas and thoughts
Your confidence
Are more seducing than
Anything you could wear

Your shadow may weigh
the same,
As if you weren't there
At all.

But your actions
Today,
are
paramount.

Have you ever stayed up
Wondering?
If they truly
Love you back?

Why would I run through the gale for you?
When all you do is make me cry?
After all that you have put me through
Sometimes I wonder if you try

Why would I soak myself?
Through the sheets of rain
As you put my heart up on the shelf
You stay dry while I'm damp with pain

There was a time I would run after you
When the harsh winds and showers mattered not
Long ago when your character was true
Before my heart began to rot

Before the mold ate away what was once there
Now sour tastes and bitter tang
Back when we were warm and fair
Now from the rafters my heart does hang

I do not think I would step outside today
While maelstroms crash and strain
I choke on these words but I must say
I would not run after you through that soaking rain.

Puzzle pieces of fumbled assortment
A smell of cardboard chips
Bedlam ensues
When scattered and afraid

But a piece thinks it unselfish
To join hands with another neighbor
A myriad of frightened fragments
Can surely make for a beautiful picture

The night was warm on that beach
As we trudged along that boarded path
Ocean breeze swayed the trees
And for a moment we hung in time

The moon light lit the golden brown beach
As the far off city lights twinkled
Ocean breeze swayed the trees
And for a moment we forgot the time

Ocean water is cool at night across the dunes
The bugs come out but we didn't mind
Ocean breeze swayed the trees
And for a moment our worries subsided

We all jumped in the water, into the salty broth
We laughed and we carried on
Ocean breeze swayed the trees
The moment I cherish but now it is gone

“I cannot breathe” cried the Man.
Whose lungs heaved as he gasped for air
However, this was on no hospital bed
This was on a city square.

A virus did not **** this man
But a pandemic of hate succeeded
An infectious belief that; man isn’t equal
To that, a vaccine is needed

“I cannot breathe” he screamed face down
A crushing weight pressed on his neck
At least Corona is not biased
For skin color, it does not check

We cannot continue to let this spread
The hate and mistrust must end
We let it fester, infect, and ****
And here we end up again.

We must rise above this infectious disease
Of hateful action and racist thought
It starts with you
It starts with me
Look back someday and say you fought.

My Korean grandma told me a story
Of many years ago she lived in the North
A time when her country was changing
A chaotic time when her nation was poor

She remembers seeing the airplanes
With their metal hulls and red white and blue
They left in a formation of 5,

And she cried when they returned only 2.

Sometimes
One can give all that they have
They can sacrifice
And lay everything on the table

But life is cruel

For even when all is given
And the last of ones strength used
As ones bones begin to break
When sweat turns to blood
And one screams with a rage within them
That no force on earth can quell

Even then
That may not be enough.

Some who survive that battle
Who cared too much
For their dreams to drift off
Like sand in the wind
Emerge heartless

A cranky locomotive used to yell
Every time it passed my house
Nobody liked him as he shrieked past
The windows rattled and shook
He woke you up from a peaceful sleep
And worst of all he was unapologetic

He was a locomotive built proudly
And he emulated the confidence
Built in a time of proud and honorable men
A fire burned in that old frame
A hot sweltering fire that always pushed him forward
He was blunt and to the point

One day that locomotive failed to fly by
No hollers or shouts or rattles
It was peaceful without him
But.
It was quiet without him
An unnerving quiet that people admittedly
Missed

If I had known that it would have been the last time
That rambunctious, cantankerous, and proud locomotive
Was tearing through the town
I would have waved
Or smiled more
Or even cried  

A cranky, loud, and obnoxious locomotive
Used to let everyone know what was on his mind
But in the silence when he no longer passed through
Everyone wished they could see him again,
Wanting to know what he had to say

From depths below and tangled threads
Where cobwebs stow the darkest machinations
Caught like droplets from the dew
Poisoned liquid, envelop mends.

Old wounds bite deepest
Where they're cut again
Where mold and mildew inch and spread
Dark bruises form and grow in hues
Green, yellow, red, and blues.

Bleached wounds that hide beneath the skin
Deep below that soft pink shield
And from within they do not yield
Old anger enflames those ancient wounds.

Some are seen like boiled flesh
Of scars that cut too deep years ago
Or of pains that never truly healed
Be cautious and be wary though.

Of stabs and cuts
Invisible to the eye
Be wary of the blights within
Wounds that slice and gnaw each passing day
Untreatable blights without any cures
Cancerous burdens who always stay

Pure heart
Unclouded mind
Within and not apart
Together we'll find

From the ashes we rise
On phoenix wings we soar
Above the twisted, seething lies
Down below, souls we abhor

Purest hearts
And clearest skies
Within not forgot
Above evil, buzzing flies

Together we are salvation
Together, glorious and free
With purest hearts, we are a nation
With unclouded minds we'll always be

I met a man once who had a goal
To be more than he was when he started
With a wildfire and tenacity inside him
Hungry for achievement and success

Like all fires
It spread
And lit that same flame within my soul

Humanity is complex
Like dirt
There is much more going on
Than meets the eye

But a fool will say
That dirt is dirt
Plain and simple
At first glance

There are no plain shades of man
No color is absolute
No blues or reds
No primary shades
But hues

Some hurt to protect themselves
Some lie to survive
Some **** to save their loved ones
Some save to help themselves

Humanity is like dirt
Simple looking
Easily written off
But closely inspected, they are much more

The ruthless may be kind hearted
The loving can be deceitful
The foolish can feign cunning natures
The shy can be malicious

We are who we choose to show
But beneath the guise
And the show they perform
Complexity is woven to make each man

We are like dirt
All part of the grand world
Yet complex beneath the surface
But still low and *****

Like Dirt

Memories tinge the places we've been
Embedded and branded on us.
Once yesterday
Now gone by the way
They were there
But now they are dust.

Though locations they stay
Of warm prior days.
We look back with pulsating lusts
If there was a way
To bring us back to that day
I'm sure we would be on that bus.

The places we've been are places we need
Places of times that were real.
We see this unfold the moment we leave
The moment we yearn for that feel.

I was told I needed to grow up.
It cut me down so easily,
I was struck with awe.
Almost offended.
That someone would tell me
To **** the child within my soul

I asked them what that meant.
And they said to stop acting like a child
When I failed to be serious in a somber setting.
I was neither poking fun, nor hurting anyone.
Just brightening the mood.
But I was shunned for it.
And told to grow up.

So I ask you this you nameless lobcock
Who are you to **** my spirit?
Who are you to dull my imagination?
Will you take me out back and shoot it out of me?
Rip it from my spine?
Who are you to tell me to change my color scheme?

I look around and see people just like you
"Grown up" and so mature
But I don't see children lynching men
Or children stoning others
I don't see children being racist
Only when they are taught so by the "grown ups"

So who are we to ****,
That child in our souls?
Maybe we need more adults with inner children
To discuss sharing and treating others well
I look around and see the grown ups rain destruction
But who am I to tell?

Have you ever felt like the yellow light of a traffic stop?
Where you exist but only because you are neither
A failure or success story?

Please stand up my fellow middle men
Women who are average
Those who are there

I want to know there are others
Caught in the middle of existence
Whose efforts are good but not great

I feel like lukewarm water
Not too cold and not too hot
A drink that neither satisfies nor dissatisfies

Where are all the other middle grounders?
Because I'm feeling all alone these days
Where are all those caught in purgatory?

Between glory and foggy haze.

Behind the one way mirror
Observing the world from a far
Delicately analyzing its every move
He looks out upon the hopeless barren earth

Like caged birds
Whose wings are clipped
And bodies bruised from captivity
We are a snow globe to this watchful monster

Ready to shake us when he so chooses
The Destroyer of Worlds bides
Marveling in the chaos that lives
Even without his touch

When he does arrive
We think we will recognize him
Yet he shall slip right past us
Past us all

Some will cry ****** ******
But we will not listen
We will love him
We will adore him

We will hand him the keys
The wheel that guides it all
Foolishly, we shall bury our own caskets
Choking out any hope for our future

For the Destroyer is deception incarnate
Molded like a man
But with a heart of blackened smoke
And hands of icy thorns

So beautiful
Charming
People will trample to taste his words
Salivating over a mere gaze

And he shall come without warning
On a beautiful day
Not a cloud in the sky
With a smile and outstretched hand

When we are alone
We hear ringing in our ears
Unbound yet shackled in the lonesome
Many hate to be alone
Alone is where the wolves get us
Alone is where nasty thoughts ****** us
Alone we feel a loner’s crushing weight
All alone, nothing scares us

When we are alone
We wander
Sometimes we wander places
Alone in the fog
Alone in the brambles
A thousand thorns pricking you
Alone with trumpets
Alone

When we are alone
We wish for the opposite
But not really
Alone is limbo
Alone is the balance act
Alone is infinity
When we are alone we panic
When alone, we choke

Master the loneliness
Feed on it as it fed on you
Grow to love to be alone
Tame those wolves
Fend off those thoughts
Toss off that weight
Embrace the solitude, breathe

In solitude we are perfect
For though the sun is alone
Still it shines

I looked out toward that metal jungle
A man exhaled cigarette smoke and it rose up fading away
Light glimmered off of windows
The setting sun on an iron casket
I leaned over to pick up an old beer bottle
I threw it away
Yet, still the leaves fell.

Cars dotted across the jungle floor
Red lights, green lights, directing those where to go
A cyclist rung his bell as he swerved around me getting by
It smelt like asphalt in this granite biome
The sun releasing the smell from the highways
At a store I held a rusted door open for a woman and her child
Yet, still the leaves fell.

A puddle survived on the pavement in my parking garage
It was cool here
It shimmered with a rainbow film from car oil
The crunch of loose gravel under my feet echoed in the halls
A man dropped his wallet in here once
I picked it up and returned it to him
Yet, still the leaves fell.

I lived my life doing what was right
I lived my life doing what should be done
Still, the leaves fell.

Walk a mile in my shoes
Feel the pain that I endure
For some it will feel like snowflakes
Caressing their cheeks and soothing their soul
For others it will be hell
A tumultuous storm that rages
Furious flames beneath their feet

Walk a mile in my shoes
Before you spit out your words
Unable to hold down your drink
Sick with anger
Anger directed at smoke
You really know nothing about them
Your anger falls to the floor
And you wait for someone to pick it up

Walk a mile in my shoes
Feel the worn out soles
How loose they bind against your skin
You know nothing of the pebble between my toes
Yet you beckon me to run a marathon with you
Let's run to the sunset
My shoes you wear are too big for you to fill
No blisters form
You are untouched

Walk a mile in my shoes
You wish to hike a mountain
I'm sorry, I cannot follow you there
Like cinder blocks to me
I have my own burdens to bear
Like the car with a flat tire
Or boat with a hole in its hull

Walk a mile in my shoes?
You scoff
You laugh
But my shoes feel tight around my feet
And you'll never know how they feel on me.

It's ok to roll the dice.
Maybe once,
Maybe twice.
Some bad decisions
Will break the vice,
Of always holding back.

Don't be afraid
To take some risks
Cause even though
It's for the worse
An answer in the end is best
For the "What if" question
Always hurts

I wasn't expecting her to show
She arrived as a pleasant surprise
I kept my excitement at a low
My stomach full of butterflies