I was sure I’d have an issue
When you went to Mogadishu
But I didn’t use a tissue
Cos I didn’t even miss you

I was sure I’d feel some pain
When you left here for Bahrain
But as long as there’s a plane
You’d soon be back again

I have to see a quack
Since you left here for Iraq
And now we’re wearing black
Cos you’re never coming back

I was late for school but it was cool, my chauffeur took the wrap
I even blamed the butler for the absence of my cap
My cravat was always crease-less and my slacks were really snappy
My shoes were always shiny, which made my pappy happy

Lesson one was cookery, but not for me today
So I sent our chef, an hour ahead, to make a nice soufflé
He usually does a marvelous job or when his mood permits
For Daddy signed him on a whim, after dining at the Ritz

Lesson two was Polo or Gymkhana if you must
So I chose fresh clothes and donned my hose as Polo’s upper crust
Oh I wish I’d brought my pony for the school ones just won’t do
They are barely fit for peasants, they are barely fit for glue

Morning break was late to take and the Polo match was drawn
But if you pleased, they’d bring cream teas to be taken on the lawn
I really didn't fancy Maths, so I stayed and sipped my char
For who could bear, and hour with Blair and his dreadful algebra

Lesson four was falconry with Mr Preston Love
His birds were plump but deadly and so quick off the glove
I loved to watch them soar and dive, a spiffing show for all
Reminds me of my gap year, hunting foxes in Nepal  

Lesson five was cancelled as Mummsy wrote a letter
She felt that English won’t suffice and elocution’s better
So Wilson rolled up in the Rolls and whisked me off to class
I hope tomorrow’s much improved, for today was oh so crass

I wonder was your Tuesday fun
Mine has just begun

Your soft caress, I can’t contain
Electrifies my skin and brain
Each single tingle fills me with bliss,
Like that extraordinary relief when you’re bursting for a ****!

Poetry ban, ****** abomination
Made error on poetic licence application

There was a young man from Goodwood
Who's ***** hung much more than they should
His ****** was so slack
It could stretch round the back
And over his head like a hood

My head is filled with cheese
My mind is filled with lard
I have crusty rolls for knees
My boiled sweet eyes are hard

So hard I can't see you for what you really are!
So hard I can't really see very far!

But what does it matter
If you should get fatter

You don't delight me.......So bite me!

There once was a lady named Clare
Whose pregnancy gave me a scare
So just to be sure
I hid by her door
And gave her a shove down the stair

He couldn't just use tracing paper to trace his father

I remember when poems were good not **** like this!

Don't be so vague
Be specific now please Craig

I lost my full time lover, sadly to another, just as my mother, rightly predicted
Maybe he was boulder, I was just older, I didn't hold her, like this **** did
It was one night only, but now she's lonely, he can't dethrone me, after eight long years
She should know better, I suppose I let her, she was wetter, than a fish behind the ears
So she took flight you know, I didn't fight it though, she was right to go, because she cheated
From the truth she'd hide, she always lied, but with friends by my side, I was not defeated

Twas my very first day at the poetry factory
A man took my name and wouldn't give it back to me

"You make a name for yourself by sweeping up letters
And gradually son, you get better and better"

So nameless and soulless I wandered unsure
Sweeping my words from the factory floor
I'll make one so big,  everyone knows
Apprentice to master of poems and prose

Bright red lips
Taking sips
As poisonous as apple pips

Many a poem speaks of love
Love in its most tempestuous form
But sometimes love is only love
Sometimes love can be the norm

Sometimes love just wears away
And sometimes love just disappears
Sometimes love comes back one day
But sometimes love can last the years

For love is a many-faceted thing
It comes in many guises
It sometimes just explodes from in
And sometimes it just rises

Maybe I will love again
Maybe I will not
For love is always found within
To never be forgot

At ten I got a bike
I grew to like

There's a cat on my street called Clive
Everyone loves that cat

He's slinky and sleek and so dignified
He wonders the street like the world's on his side
He simply won't fear the snarliest hounds, walking the wall as they jump by his feet
He simply won't carry any extra pounds, even after eating at every house on the street
He has always caught himself a bird
or a lizard
or sometimes a rat
He's so smug it's just absurd
And he'll break into a purr at the drop of a hat
He'll circle your legs and paw at your feet
and jump on your lap wherever you're sat

But I think he's a ****

Cos I ******* hate cats!

I'm such a devil, terrible rebel, eleven words on a Thursday!

When I was a boy and still wasn't sure that there wasn't a God
I attended a nice catholic primary school
It was there we used to sing:

Love is like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have any
lend it spend it you'll have so many
they'll roll all over the floor

Now maybe that was the case
But people today have changed
Giving out love like it was free
Maybe love is a magic penny
But due to inflation
Love has lost its value

Love being thrown around carelessly
Love unattended in the centre console of their car
Love slipping out your pocket and down the side of the sofa
Love rolling by on the road and you don't even give it a second glance

For what is love now to those dead of heart but unnecessarily old fashioned?

To all intents and purposes I find myself alone
As quiet as a blank page, a dog without a bone
Nothing but my own thoughts clangerous in my empty head
I long for freedom from myself, but I'm not sure if that's dead?

The wind doth blow
And chills my bones
How I miss you radiant sun
Like marionettes
The leaves pirouette
At least they're all having fun

Someone who has immense talent, learns little and produces less

Do you ever think it takes a certain someone?
A certain someone to do a certain thing
But what if I am not that certain someone?
The more I doubt it the more certain I’m not him

What if I am just another faker?
A lone wolf, on the wrong side of the fence
An accidental, slightly mental impostor
Who made you fall in love with my pretense!

Green slowly turns to brown
Still warm but you know it’s coming
Short but sweet, don’t leave!

That final goodbye, that last salute
Is the hardest thing a man can do
You've lost her love, she's lost your trust
Moving on is now a must
The world will turn, the leaves will fall
Spiders spin and birds will call
The past is set and time won't freeze
These wounds will heal just not with ease

What once was us, is only I
Where once we walked, now I fly
No words like bullets, tipped with violence
Just emptiness, a world of silence

Where once there was a homely we
In it's place a lonely me
Where once was love and joy and need
There's nothing, all because of greed

Love:

How little she knows me, loves me all the same

Hate:*

If she knew more, would she hate me like before?

Whilst kicking  through the autumn leaves
A little boy runs by
Oops I found a doggy poo
And kicked it in his eye

If I paint the perfect picture on the canvas of my heart
I'd have to keep things simple, I was never good at art
Yet with words, it seems, I'm easily led
I try too hard, I lose my thread

So in short

I do love you! I cannot have you, life is cruel
You do love me, you cannot have me, our time is due
Until that time, we must soldier on
You send mail and I'll write songs

It is what we do!

If fate permits, I and I, will be me and you!!! ***

It’s not you son, it’s not your brother
It’s just between me and your mother

Then he left.......and everything changed

Only the Irish could appoint a Welsh slave their patron

Dropped toast span hitting floor
Butter on carpet, sod's law

Full moons blueish light breaks through the curtains gap illuminating your fake photo smile
I wish I had taken more at times much less contrived, a true smile would be more worthwhile
But I should really count my blessings, for with true class you would never pout
Imagine the horror of gazing upon your beautiful face and only seeing Pete Burns looking out

Time's on my side if I don't let it burn.
Though it keeps slipping by and I won't ******* learn!

Never cry, Never cry,  bottle it all in.
If you die before you cry you win!

I used to be a broken man, lost and so confused
But over time I think I've changed
and all because of you
Now I wouldn't say I'm still not lost
or wiser than before
But all my bits are back as one and it's you that I adore