Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Mr Bigglesworth Mar 2013
At ten I got a bike
I grew to like
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
There once was a lady named Clare
Whose pregnancy gave me a scare
So just to be sure
I hid by her door
And gave her a shove down the stair
Unfortunately this is a true story (only kidding)
Mr Bigglesworth May 2014
I think wonder spreads like wild fire in curious minds

Curiosity (10 words)

It may well **** cats but it makes humans great
Mr Bigglesworth May 2013
When it comes to affairs of the heart
I never know where I should start

I never know where to begin
I never know when to stand back
I never know when to dive in
I never know when to change tact

It’s not that I've ever been dense
Though I’m probably far too intense

I’m probably too much for most birds
I’m probably not right in the head
I’m probably obsessed with my words
I’m probably too good in bed
Yes I'm sure that's it, I must be too good in bed!
Mr Bigglesworth Jun 2013
At the start
Beside myself
Can’t find peace
Don’t get wealth
Even Joy
Flits away
Gone tomorrow
Here today
Inside my arms
Joy found you
Kindles hope
Like dreams come true
My head spins round
Nothing’s through
Opinions differ
People too
Questions raised
Rants and raves
Some complain
To be praised
Vile horrific
Wedged within

Yet with time you’ll soon set free

Zest for life and zest for me
My first ABC poem :-)
Mr Bigglesworth Sep 2013
Green slowly turns to brown
Still warm but you know it’s coming
Short but sweet, don’t leave!
Never done a haiku before. I think I now know why. :-)
Mr Bigglesworth Oct 2014
The wind doth blow
And chills my bones
How I miss you radiant sun
Like marionettes
The leaves pirouette
At least they're all having fun
Mr Bigglesworth Jul 2015
I don't want to seem like a barbecue **** but please won't you turn that meat!
If it wasn't bad enough you put it on early that chicken just won't stand the heat
Your confounding the issue by loading on bangers for the dripping fat's sure to ignite
With those flames getting higher and your steaks all on fire, you know you're not doing it right
Black on the outside and pink in the middle, is not how you're supposed to do chicken
And even revamped your bathroom's too cramped, for all of your guests to be sick in
"It's time" you declare, as you pull up a chair "is anyone ready for grub!?"
But with no contemplation, I'll ditch this cremation, I'm ******* off back down the pub!
Mr Bigglesworth Oct 2014
Whilst kicking  through the autumn leaves
A little boy runs by
Oops I found a doggy poo
And kicked it in his eye
Autumn dog turds, you know they're out there you just don't know where!
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2014
No longer will she come a-calling
She left his keys
With a twist of the knife he's falling
To his knees
A stab in the dark without warning
She never flees
How can she sit there ignoring
A dying man's pleas?
It's a chorus. Feel free to message me verses :-)
Mr Bigglesworth Mar 2013
Your soft caress, I can’t contain
Electrifies my skin and brain
Each single tingle fills me with bliss,
Like that extraordinary relief when you’re bursting for a ****!
Mr Bigglesworth Dec 2014
Do you ever think it takes a certain someone?
A certain someone to do a certain thing
But what if I am not that certain someone?
The more I doubt it the more certain I’m not him

What if I am just another faker?
A lone wolf, on the wrong side of the fence
An accidental, slightly mental impostor
Who made you fall in love with my pretense!
Mr Bigglesworth Jun 2015
There's a cat on my street called Clive
Everyone loves that cat

He's slinky and sleek and so dignified
He wonders the street like the world's on his side
He simply won't fear the snarliest hounds, walking the wall as they jump by his feet
He simply won't carry any extra pounds, even after eating at every house on the street
He has always caught himself a bird
or a lizard
or sometimes a rat
He's so smug it's just absurd
And he'll break into a purr at the drop of a hat
He'll circle your legs and paw at your feet
and jump on your lap wherever you're sat

But I think he's a ****

Cos I ******* hate cats!
Mr Bigglesworth Nov 2013
This bull's horns are oily
Alas my hands just slip
How am I to seize the day
If I cannot get a grip
Mr Bigglesworth May 2014
Have you used a dead dog's **** for a lipstick?
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2019
Never cry, Never cry,  bottle it all in.
If you die before you cry you win!
Emotions are horrid. Leave them in.
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
It was only the other day you fell asleep in your old chair
The one that was in your front room decades ago
You didn't see Andy Murray lose but you didn't care
You’d eaten well and heavy eyed you dozed

I’m sorry but when I lost the house it had to go
I know throwing it out was a bit wrong
But if chairs go to heaven though
At least you’ll have something there to sit on

I wish I’d never told you off for smoking by the pump
You looked so sad that I’d made you feel a fool
But imagine how you would have made those people jump
As they were all engulfed by a massive fireball

Enjoy your new lungs and try keeping them clean for a few hours
Enjoy your time with Granddad it’s been thirty years too long
Enjoy strolling through those heavenly gardens with all your favourite flowers
But in heaven, please don’t bag cuttings; I’m sure up there it’s wrong!
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2015
Along time ago in the land of the Elves
With the Pixies, Gnomes and Sprites
Lived Millicent Mary, a belly button fairy
Adorned in her tutu and tights

Now poor little Millicent
Super cute and innocent
Hadn't been a fluffer very long
When trusted by superiors
Which that alone's mysterious
Only got the purchase order wrong!

Whilst ordering the belly fluff
She found the maths a little tough
And set upon her path to sheer disgrace
Before she'd ordered every hue
She started with the colour blue
And accidentally missed the decimal place
Needless to say the guild of belly button fluffers hadn't enough budget to amend her error and tonnes of excess blue fluff had to be used up first.
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2014
Bright red lips
Taking sips
As poisonous as apple pips
It would take 10 kg of apple pips (if consumed quickly enough) to produce enough cyanide to ****. It would take 10,000 kisses from these lips to achieve the same affect.
Mr Bigglesworth Mar 2015
I used to be a broken man, lost and so confused
But over time I think I've changed
and all because of you
Now I wouldn't say I'm still not lost
or wiser than before
But all my bits are back as one and it's you that I adore
Mr Bigglesworth Dec 2012
That final goodbye, that last salute
Is the hardest thing a man can do
You've lost her love, she's lost your trust
Moving on is now a must
The world will turn, the leaves will fall
Spiders spin and birds will call
The past is set and time won't freeze
These wounds will heal just not with ease
Mr Bigglesworth Mar 2013
Sitting out on the porch with grandma, talking about winters past
Sitting out on the porch with grandma, wishing the summer would last
I remember when I would fit under her arm, as snuggly as she now fits mine
I remember when she would watch over me, I remember when she was just fine
But now it is her that is childish, now it is her that needs me
I will not judge, I will not scold, I will just let it be, let it be

For sometimes, she sits real quiet,
and says............'nothing'.........but sometimes that says it all!
Mr Bigglesworth Dec 2012
What once was us, is only I
Where once we walked, now I fly
No words like bullets, tipped with violence
Just emptiness, a world of silence

Where once there was a homely we
In it's place a lonely me
Where once was love and joy and need
There's nothing, all because of greed
Mr Bigglesworth May 2014
It was a glorious night for a moonlit flight
On Barry my Big Berkshire Boar
Huffing and puffing like flying was nothing
Over the treetops we’d soar

Well I never knew, that other pigs flew
As Darren came circling down
Sat proud on top his Gloucester Old Spot
Wow! What a wonderful sow

I’m sure I can claim that Darren was the same
As his jaw nearly dropped to the ground
For Darren and I, had pigs that could fly
And you don’t really see that around

“Hey your pig flies!” Darren wailed with surprise
“And we only just met for a drink”
“I didn't know you, had a flying pig too
  Just what would the other guys think!?”

So we soon made a pact, with our secret intact
Everything worked out just fine
Now we’re both out at night, when the weather is right
Racing our rare flying swine!
If anyone has their own flying pig please send me a message as Darren and I are worried about interbreeding. :-)
Mr Bigglesworth Feb 2014
I think I’m still moving on
Still writing music son
I’m still righting wrongs
Still writing songs
I’m still singing like nobody is listening
Even when everyone’s listening
I’m still moving rapidly
I’m still when I need to be
But I think most importantly
I’m still me..........I’m still me
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2014
“Follow your dreams!” Said the sage
“But what if you wake and they’re gone?”
“Well maybe you’ll soon come of age?”
“Or maybe I simply have none!”

The years soon past and enlightenment never came
Maybe the wise man was wrong
To rise every morning always the same
No direction for moving along

“Reach for the stars!” said the sage
“But what if I can’t see the sky?”
“Maybe it’s only a stage?”
“Maybe I can, if I try!?”

Well time ticked by but the stars never shone
Maybe the wise man was wrong
Had those pin ****** to heaven faded and gone
Or just never there all along

“What should I do?” said the youth
“Follow your dreams!” I replied
“But for you it was never the truth!”
“Well maybe the old sage had lied?”
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
That's not right
Is that chicken? I mean I thought it was chicken
Doesn't feel like chicken
Is it worth checking

Doesn't taste like chicken.

Oh.... I swallowed.

Now I'm going to have live the rest of my days never knowing whether that was actually chicken!
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
I once ate flan in a pan from a can with a man in a van called Dan then ran!
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon england's mountains green?
And was the holy lamb of god
... On england's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was jerusalem builded here
Among those dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear: o clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariots of fire!
I will not cease from metal fight;
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built jerusalem
In england's green and pleasant land.
Obvioulsy not mine but there are no words that say it better than these.....Happy St George's Day!
Singing this literally gives me goose bumps.
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
Man can't live on bread alone
Even magic'd from a stone
Jesus Christ said
"Cheese is nice!"
"Once a day or maybe twice"
"And as we're turning stones to bread
We'll make this water a glass of red"
Who'd of thought he'd be so fickle
The 'naughty boy' he conjured pickle
This did actually happen but it was omitted from the New Testament after Jesus apologised.
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2014
Someone who has immense talent, learns little and produces less
Mr Bigglesworth Mar 2015
Full moons blueish light breaks through the curtains gap illuminating your fake photo smile
I wish I had taken more at times much less contrived, a true smile would be more worthwhile
But I should really count my blessings, for with true class you would never pout
Imagine the horror of gazing upon your beautiful face and only seeing Pete Burns looking out
Mr Bigglesworth Dec 2012
It's been four days since she hated me
Five nights since she cut me loose
I was angry, she had ditched me
But she was playing by her rules

My phone buzzed with her preset tone
"I'm home soon are you about x"
I don't like being all alone
But it's late to be going out

I found myself sat on her bed
Discussing how my text was wrong
How her drunken antics are in my head
I wasn't staying long

Yet although this girl is wrong for me
As I am wrong for her
She looks so **** angry
And something starts to stir

"friends can kiss" we kiss
"friends can touch" we touch
After a frantic hour of bliss
Doing stuff friends don't do much

I leave

Once again testing the boundaries of friendship.

On the road of true love is this just a dip?
Mr Bigglesworth Jun 2015
Life should be simple, if not, you're doing it wrong
Ten words on a Tuesday
Mr Bigglesworth Dec 2012
There was a young man from Goodwood
Who's ***** hung much more than they should
His ****** was so slack
It could stretch round the back
And over his head like a hood
Mr Bigglesworth Mar 2013

How little she knows me, loves me all the same


If she knew more, would she hate me like before?
Mr Bigglesworth May 2013
I came to you last night in a dream
My soul left my body and drifted away
The scenery went by at speed
Over oceans and mountains and forests and plains

I feared for the worst
I might disappear
But my soul knew the way
I had nothing to fear
I was calm and relaxed, enjoying the ride
I floated in gently to lay at your side

So if only in spirit, in a fashion there's passion
Then just like that, I'm gone, like a ninja assassin
Mr Bigglesworth Oct 2014
I was late for school but it was cool, my chauffeur took the wrap
I even blamed the butler for the absence of my cap
My cravat was always crease-less and my slacks were really snappy
My shoes were always shiny, which made my pappy happy

Lesson one was cookery, but not for me today
So I sent our chef, an hour ahead, to make a nice soufflé
He usually does a marvelous job or when his mood permits
For Daddy signed him on a whim, after dining at the Ritz

Lesson two was Polo or Gymkhana if you must
So I chose fresh clothes and donned my hose as Polo’s upper crust
Oh I wish I’d brought my pony for the school ones just won’t do
They are barely fit for peasants, they are barely fit for glue

Morning break was late to take and the Polo match was drawn
But if you pleased, they’d bring cream teas to be taken on the lawn
I really didn't fancy Maths, so I stayed and sipped my char
For who could bear, and hour with Blair and his dreadful algebra

Lesson four was falconry with Mr Preston Love
His birds were plump but deadly and so quick off the glove
I loved to watch them soar and dive, a spiffing show for all
Reminds me of my gap year, hunting foxes in Nepal  

Lesson five was cancelled as Mummsy wrote a letter
She felt that English won’t suffice and elocution’s better
So Wilson rolled up in the Rolls and whisked me off to class
I hope tomorrow’s much improved, for today was oh so crass
Mr Bigglesworth Jul 2015
Be more dog.... and she was..... til the very end
An unplanned sleep...... in a heap...... Goodbye dear friend
I will miss you so very much. If I could have half your determination and fearlessness I would be twice the man but then again I am only human and in many ways you were so much more  xxxx
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
I was sure I’d have an issue
When you went to Mogadishu
But I didn’t use a tissue
Cos I didn’t even miss you

I was sure I’d feel some pain
When you left here for Bahrain
But as long as there’s a plane
You’d soon be back again

I have to see a quack
Since you left here for Iraq
And now we’re wearing black
Cos you’re never coming back
The difference between a holiday and a tour of duty
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
My head is filled with cheese
My mind is filled with lard
I have crusty rolls for knees
My boiled sweet eyes are hard

So hard I can't see you for what you really are!
So hard I can't really see very far!

But what does it matter
If you should get fatter

You don't delight me.......So bite me!
Mr Bigglesworth Oct 2014
The problem with Orange
Is nothing will rhyme
So instead of an Orange
I'll write about Lime.
Mr Bigglesworth Mar 2013
She once quivered at my touch
She once shivered oh so much
But now if I touched her skin she'd just recoil in horror
As if I was draping a sticky used ****** upon'er
*It is a metaphor, I have not and never will place used sheaths upon a woman. It's wrong.
Mr Bigglesworth Oct 2014
That fat cat spat fat on my mat hat, splat!
Mr Bigglesworth Apr 2013
Shame she didn't quite outlast Maggie,

My nan was nicer!
Mr Bigglesworth Sep 2013
Many a poem speaks of love
Love in its most tempestuous form
But sometimes love is only love
Sometimes love can be the norm

Sometimes love just wears away
And sometimes love just disappears
Sometimes love comes back one day
But sometimes love can last the years

For love is a many-faceted thing
It comes in many guises
It sometimes just explodes from in
And sometimes it just rises

Maybe I will love again
Maybe I will not
For love is always found within
To never be forgot
mere ramblings.
Mr Bigglesworth Jul 2015
He couldn't just use tracing paper to trace his father
Mr Bigglesworth Oct 2013
Twisted light perforates the dust filled room and the pungent odour of history hangs in the air like stale bread and old forgotten pantomime costumes.
Yet somehow the smell recalls recollections of a jolly past. Transporting me back through the years, tumbling over and over in the rapids of time until I splash down and emerge as the keen eyed five year old I once was.
I can still hear the shrill screams of play bounce around my head and feel the boy in me longing to join them on the playground outside. I can feel the tight lace wrapped round my hand as I swing my unsurpassed conker to victory. I can still see the bouncing curly locks of the sweet little girls as they hop and skip to long forgotten nursery rhymes.  I can still feel the dried mud caked on my palms sending shudders of discomfort all down my spine and the cold drafts of air through the green hole covered knees of my short nylon trousers.
Swinging the blackboard round to reveal the partially erased remnants of the very last lesson, my mind adopts that old familiar position. Arms folded, head in arms wishing that time would move on.
Sadly my wish came true. Sure it took its time but these days time flows by like a babbling weir stopping for nothing.  
How I now long for that dripping tap like time once was. Those long summer breaks and endless days playing in the meadows where I lived. Even boredom is no longer as sweet. The kind of boredom where you aren't making excuses for not doing something. For these days there is always something that needs to be done.
Oh how I miss the innocence of youth that carefree era where ironically, what you desired, was everything you don’t want now.
Wiping a single tear from my cheek I left my old classroom, hopped over the fence and walked away from school one last time.
Mr Bigglesworth Sep 2013
To all intents and purposes I find myself alone
As quiet as a blank page, a dog without a bone
Nothing but my own thoughts clangerous in my empty head
I long for freedom from myself, but I'm not sure if that's dead?
Mr Bigglesworth Jun 2015
When I was a boy and still wasn't sure that there wasn't a God
I attended a nice catholic primary school
It was there we used to sing:

Love is like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have any
lend it spend it you'll have so many
they'll roll all over the floor

Now maybe that was the case
But people today have changed
Giving out love like it was free
Maybe love is a magic penny
But due to inflation
Love has lost its value

Love being thrown around carelessly
Love unattended in the centre console of their car
Love slipping out your pocket and down the side of the sofa
Love rolling by on the road and you don't even give it a second glance

For what is love now to those dead of heart but unnecessarily old fashioned?
Next page