Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
got myself a donkey yesterday
and tethered it out there in the yard;
but when I looked out the window
I noticed
it looked glum, moody and testy
so I went out to see what I could do
I tickled my donkey
and he cackled and laughed a lot
and he hee-hawed aloud -
but yeah, you can bet your ****
I got the bigger kick out of it
...based on a true story, I mean based on a joke I found online...of course, it happened to the other guy...
 Jan 2014 Mr Bigglesworth
martin
We fixed your heart, it's all spare parts
Your liver ugh, we threw away
This one's new, the one we grew
It's going in today

Those wobbly wonky worn-out knees
Let's consign them to the past
With these bionic ones you'll see
You'll run twice as fast

Need new eyes? It's no surprise
We have all you need and more
Take your colour and your size
Down to our new store

Your genome's on our database
There's nothing we can't do
So come on down, no time to waste
It's everlasting life, guaranteed for you
 Jan 2014 Mr Bigglesworth
martin
There was a poet who suffered a lot
From what we all know as writers block
He lifted his pen, dropped it again
And that's as far as he got
Dear Guitar,

     In the 6 years we've been together, I never thought you would grow to mean so much to me. When I first saw you, I knew you were the perfect addition to my life. There were so many other guitars I could have chosen, but your dark-stained tiger maple surface caught my eye. I was excited to take you home and make music with you until the sun went down.

     Your hollow body and smooth curves fit so perfectly in my arms, and I cannot describe how amazing you look when the sun shines on your brilliant strings. When I played you for the first time, I was inexperienced, so I don’t blame you if you didn't enjoy it. But I admire you for bearing with me as I've learned more about you and how to take care of you.

     I've been through a lot in my life, both positive and negative. You were always there for me when I needed something to take my mind off of things. I remember when I got into an argument, I went into my room feeling angry and upset. Then, I picked you up and the gentleness of your tone took my heart to a more peaceful place. Your sweet melodies always comfort me and help my mind to dwell on better things.

     I enjoy the late nights we spend together, perfecting songs until my fingers are sore. I love falling asleep with the sound of your soothing melodies filling my mind, and waking up to the sight of you hanging on my bedroom wall. I love the different voices you have; gentle when I need them to be, loud and playful when I feel energetic. You express my feelings in ways that I never could on my own. I will always remember the fun we've had together and hope to have you in my life for all time.

I will cherish you forever,
Katie Skarr
 Jan 2014 Mr Bigglesworth
martin
Santa brought no toys so...
... I play with words instead



She passed her driving test
on Christmas eve....
               ...No-L celebrations!
In the UK learner drivers have to display a big L on the back of the car.  I consulted my American brother-in-law who tells me this is not the case in the US.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
Size one hundred and forty two
They asked her to move but she refused
What a hullabaloo
 Nov 2013 Mr Bigglesworth
martin
I've had enough of all this wind and reindeer
We otter go away
Holidays are important, my parents tortoise that
Weasel have to look on the internet
You know I can't bear the heat
But here's a spa hotel where I'm sure they would panda to your every need
Alpaca suitcase right away

Toothpaste tube, cattle class
Purple stripes, rows of lights
A newly formed castle white
In concrete, steel and glass

Cloud-high halls, giant pots
Re-charging bodies strewn around
Turning deeper shades of brown
Volcanic sand, hot black rock

We watch a floating city, blazing light
Like a dying star, fade into the night

                        -

Ali, where do these bananas go?
What kind of tree is this?
How far does this levada flow?

Ali takes the tourists out
He throws some breadcrumbs in the water
He likes to feed the trout

Madeira born in forty five
Ali told me many things
Ali, our levada walking guide

His family was very poor
He collected mussels from the shore
And sticks to burn for heat
For today his mother said
I have no food and we must eat
We have to eat

Ali, where are all the vines?
How long before your boots wear out?
Do you drink the local wine?

Do the tourists drive you mad
With all the questions that they ask?
Ali smiles, shuffles us aside
To let some others pass
The spider, dropping down from twig,
Unfolds a plan of her devising,
A thin premeditated rig
To use in rising.

And all that journey down through space,
In cool descent and loyal hearted,
She spins a ladder to the place
From where she started.

Thus I, gone forth as spiders do
In spider's web a truth discerning,
Attach one silken thread to you
For my returning.
When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside.
But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

When Nag the basking cobra hears the careless foot of man,
He will sometimes wriggle sideways and avoid it if he can.
But his mate makes no such motion where she camps beside the trail.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

When the early Jesuit fathers preached to Hurons and Choctaws,
They prayed to be delivered from the vengeance of the squaws.
’Twas the women, not the warriors, turned those stark enthusiasts pale.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

Man’s timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say,
For the Woman that God gave him isn’t his to give away;
But when hunter meets with husband, each confirms the other’s tale—
The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

Man, a bear in most relations-worm and savage otherwise,—
Man propounds negotiations, Man accepts the compromise.
Very rarely will he squarely push the logic of a fact
To its ultimate conclusion in unmitigated act.

Fear, or foolishness, impels him, ere he lay the wicked low,
To concede some form of trial even to his fiercest foe.
Mirth obscene diverts his anger—Doubt and Pity oft perplex
Him in dealing with an issue— to the scandal of The ***!

But the Woman that God gave him, every fibre of her frame
Proves her launched for one sole issue, armed and engined for the same;
And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail,
The female of the species must be deadlier than the male.

She who faces Death by torture for each life beneath her breast
May not deal in doubt or pity—must not swerve for fact or jest.
These be purely male diversions—not in these her honour dwells.
She the Other Law we live by, is that Law and nothing else.

She can bring no more to living than the powers that make her great
As the Mother of the Infant and the Mistress of the Mate.
And when Babe and Man are lacking and she strides unclaimed to claim
Her right as femme (and baron), her equipment is the same.

She is wedded to convictions—in default of grosser ties;
Her contentions are her children, Heaven help him who denies!—
He will meet no suave discussion, but the instant, white-hot, wild,
Wakened female of the species warring as for spouse and child.

Unprovoked and awful charges— even so the she-bear fights,
Speech that drips, corrodes, and poisons—even so the cobra bites,
Scientific vivisection of one nerve till it is raw
And the victim writhes in anguish—like the Jesuit with the squaw!

So it cames that Man, the coward, when he gathers to confer
With his fellow-braves in council, dare not leave a place for her
Where, at war with Life and Conscience, he uplifts his erring hands
To some God of Abstract Justice—which no woman understands.

And Man knows it! Knows, moreover, that the Woman that God gave him
Must command but may not govern—shall enthral but not enslave him.
And She knows, because She warns him, and Her instincts never fail,
That the Female of Her Species is more deadly than the Male.
Next page