im sitting in my bed
7:12 am
i see a post you liked
it reminded me of something that should remind you of me
i wonder if you thought of me
maybe you meant to send it my way

maybe you didn’t mean to kiss him

maybe you meant to come to my place on friday

maybe we’re just a happy collection of maybes

or maybe you planned on this.

i hate red.
and you know that, my love.

so why can’t you help me get back to the blue sky.
and the green button.

i don’t want to bring any of the purple into your life.
because although i’m safe in the purple,

you are afraid.

lately i’ve been
                          too tired
to get the words out.


                                           you always seemed to
energize me



but i’m alone now.

            with no energy source.

and no where to turn.
    

                                        but to the bad place again.

It controls her
She can't stop it
It's a constant battle
She can't drop it

It has become a habit
She can't quit
It's taking over her body
Bit by bit

The scars fade
But the memories don't
She wants them to leave
But they refuse.. They won't

It's an on going battle.
It's a fight she never wins
It's a constant struggle
It's a war that never ends

It's her sweet escape
It gets her lost in her own place
She gets to control the pain
As her adrenaline starts to race

She grabs it off the dresser
As a tear falls from her cheek
She presses even harder
Reminding herself not to shriek

No one understands
No one ever will
This habit now controls her
As the world around her stands still

But now the room is spinning
Her head is getting light
She falls back in her bed
Refusing to put up a fight

She takes one last breath as she turns out the lights
Then she closes her eyes as she calls it a night

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down