Blood to bone
it doesn't matter
All you see
is what I'm not
I don't do drugs
I hardly ever drink
and when I do
It's only a sip or two
But those sips to you
is like a drink or two
I do what I tell you
and nothing more
I tell you my secrets
and all that
Plus much more
But that doesn't matter
no matter what I do
I'm untrusted
Even though you deny
Within your actions it's all true

-Mo

Sitting there
Silent in the still room
White walls surrounding me
No windows, no seats
Not being able to think of a single thing
Feeling enclosed in a small padded room
Hugging yourself tightly, not being able to let go
Nothing but silence
Not a sound to be heard
The dim flicker of the light above
Casting smudged white shadows of your demonds on the walls
Your only company being the split second of the shadow
Feeling more and more tired by the minuet
Drifting off into the darkness
Slowly letting go
You begin to fade
Becoming nothing
But the shadow that shows for only a split second

-MH

As the darkness closes in
I narrow my sight trying to find the shimmering small light ahead
But with my breaths growing heavy and short
My legs become stiff
My arms become a shaking mess
My back tenses
And the small light is lost
Sitting there in a panic
I crouch down with my knees to my chest
Burying my face into the palms of my cold sweaty hands
With my mind going fuzzy
I begin to think I'm insane
I whisper to myself
“It's going to be okay, calm down”
Over, and over, and over again
Breathing in through my nose
And out my mouth only makes it worse
Nothing makes it leave unless it wants to
Trying to get my mind off things calms the breathing
But the shaking continues
My whole body having an earthquake of its own
That only I can feel
As I sit there the only thing going through my mind is pointless
When will this end?
I ask myself this every time
Though I already know the answer
It will never stop
It will always be there
Hiding quietly
Until I reach a high point
Than it will jump out
Springing from its dark corner it grabs me
Dragging me down to the pits of hell
Laughing obnoxiously
While I scream for help
Only to have it silenced
Hidden away by the mask glued to my face
A mask with a permanent smile
I scream as loud as I can
Only to be muffled
My body beginning to shut down
My back constantly hurting
And my hands are always cold, yet damp
My mind is almost completely lost in thought
Constantly moving in some way to hide the shaking
Playing with the strand’s placed on my head every few minutes
Naturally a shy girl being forced to talk loud to hide fear
A fear of not being accepted for what she goes through
Scared to tell her very own mother
Knowing she will assume its for attention
Not knowing what to do anymore
The thoughts grow darker
The twinkle of a sharp blade becomes soothing
Promising her father she will never lay a blade against her pale skin again
Though the thoughts still come
Haunting her throughout each dreary day
Teasing her
Pressuring her to where she’s about to break
Though she stays true to her promise
And instead of scaring a canvas of beauty
She drowns her lungs in poison
The sweet sting in her throat
Giving her butterflies in her stomach
With each sip she slowly fade
Forgetting everything
A peace rushing through her
She can finally breath
Though now she must live with the consequences
Slowly drifting away from the poison
To the empty bottle
Filling it with all the stress, hate, anxiety, depression, everything
Closing it tightly
I store it away
Storing bottle after bottle
Until I run out
Then comes the heavy, short breaths
The stiff legs
Next the shaking arms
Then the stiff back
And it all becomes black once more
So I ask myself this again
When will this end?

-MH

Dead...
Alone and cold
Stuck living in the coffin my limp body lays
Hearing no wind
Feeling no wind
The pale white skin never touched by sun in many moons
Mouth too dry to speak
Yet still able to hum
Though this is nothing but a feeling
A feeling so heavy it wrapps around me like a blanket
With my eyes growing heavier by the minuet
The temperature decreasing by the second
Shivering I sit there, deep in a dark corner
Hidden from society
Drowning in what seems to be the ocean
Though only my mind
Knees to the chest with short breaths
That share the same rhythm as my heart beat
Humming a small toon
Trying to calm my stiffness
Being so stiff to the point my back locks
Pain shooting up my spine to the temples of my skull
Wishing I was dead from the pain and suffering
Hoping it would end soon
But only to be whiplashed when things seem to be going right
Why can't I just be set free?

I'm lost
my mind keeps going blank
Staring blankly at the wall
Gazing down on my right thigh
running my cold fingers across the trails
The trails of my past nightmares
that became my reality
Ended up promising one man ill never do it again
only to have that one man
be on of the reasons it crosses my mind
If I give in what do I gain?
Immortality?
A new beginning?
Blood trickling down my leg
staining the soles of my feet
Invisible foot prints painted bright red
Having my heart bleed out through a leg
isn't painful at all
it only tingles
Slowly growing weaker
I close my eyes to see the light
only to end up in total darkness
with nothing but blood soaked feet

-Mo

Every day I sit here
questioning myself
Why am I here?
What's my purpose?
Why am I always questioning myself, about myself?
Day after day I question if I'm good enough
But the real question is
Good enough for what?
good enough for my purpose, that I have yet to figure out?
Good enough for a task i'm supposed to perform?
What exactly is the point of that question
if I don't even know what the question is based off of?
Why am I always questioning every detail about every day
One good thing happens and I question
Why is this happening to me?
A hundred bad things happen and I ask myself
What did I do to deserve this?
Question after question I ask
continually asking questions
whether there in my head or verbally
Question after question they all link together
Never just one
but always at least two
Question after question
day after day
Questioning the question
Just to question why i'm questioning the question
Will the questioning ever end?

I made you promise to never fall in love
and if you ever did
Not to say a word
But in the end
I was the one who fell under the spell
All I wanted to hear
was those three sweet words
At first I had little belief in love
But you taught me it was real
Now I know it's all a lie
it was all just one big lie
There is no such thing as love
it's a false word
bringing false hopes
Draining the innocence of one's self
out from under their feet
You made me believe in my hopes and dreams
flushing all my anxiety and depression away
You told me things
you wouldn't dare to tell your best friend
We let each other in more than ever
I pushed my own life to the side
Only to help you with yours
I tried helping as much as i could
But that wasn't enough
was anything i did ever?
Whether you were behind steel bars or not
I never gave up on you
You were my knight in shining armor
I was shut out for months
you stating you were only just scared
Scared to lose me
But I promised you never would
but that's a promise
I can no longer keep
Hearing your name
seeing you smile
hearing your laugh
they all bring a smile to my face
Remembering the time we shared together
But within remembering
I cry
you broke my heart
...

I sit there quietly
staring blankly
at nothing in particular
Not a muscle moves
nor an eye blink
You try to budge me
out of my stillness
Only to have you give up
wrapping your arms
around my small delicate body
Whispering into my ear
"It'll be okay, i'm here"
But still I stare
not replying
Lost in my head
chasing after the white rabbit
Lost I shall remain
until the day the white rabbit is caught

-Mo

The blood that runs through these veins
is as dark as the night sky, and as cold as the coldest breeze
The anxiety in this body hits it's peak by the first kiss of sun's light
The thoughts that flood this mind drive it insane
bringing it to it's deepest possible thought's
All strength is lost
Not a breath can be captured
suffocating from feeling locked away
Every little cell slowly dying
being taken over by the deadliest of viruses
Drifting off into the shadows
not a single being noticing
Screaming as loud as possible
but not a sound is heard
This heart beating for no purpose
slowly slowing down by each pulse
Each given breath leading closed to death

We loved
We fought
We talked
We yelled
We kissed
We made love
I spoke true words
But you spoke false
You said I loved you
Never truly meaning it
I replied I love you too
And meant it with all my heart
You were my top priority
But I was your last
You told me tales
While I told you memories
Behind bars I was told you mourned
But now I believe the little birdy was in on it oo
I stayed loyal
Obviously you didn't
And this is why I don't believe
In those three sweet words
Those three words said too much
And meant too little
A simple I love you
Is now no more than a lie

Nothing but something
Yet still something but nothing
Love, lust, or death
Love; a four letter word many use in the wrong place
Lust; something you feel when you desire one's beauty
Death; a time in life everyone fears, just refuse to admit
Religion against atheism
Celebrating the birth of Christ and all his works
Or having the lack of belief of anything above or below Earth
Struggling to breath
but not being underwater
Feeling no pain
while standing in a fire
What do you call that?
Depression, anxiety, psychopathic?
Standing between right and wrong
left or right
Right is always right
but left is always... just left
The rabbit in a tree
and a bird in a hole
Seeing isn't believing
believing is seeing
Haven't we all learnt that?
Something always comes from nothing
but how can something come from nothing
if there's simply nothing there?

Where Were You


You said you'd always there for me
That you'll never leave my side
That you’d always be there to help
But where are you at 2:30 in the morning when I wake up crying?
Where are you when i'm screaming at people?
Who aren't even there
Where are you when i'm shrinking in a corner pulling out my hair?
Where are you everytime I text you saying I need help?
What are you possibly doing that you're too busy to answer my 10th phone call?


Where are you when my pale skin becomes stained with blood?
Where are you when the child proof cap comes off a pill bottle
And emptied into my cold palm?
Where are you when I stand stiff
But my whole body continues to shake?


Where can you possible be the rare times I ask for help?


If you're there for me
If you're always by my side
Wanting to help
Then where were you when I needed you the most?

-M.H