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 Jul 2014 fdg
Ben
stress (10w)
 Jul 2014 fdg
Ben
anger strikes like lightning but
thunder claps leave me confused
 Jul 2014 fdg
Marshall CB Hiatt
"I want to cut my wrists."
That's how I know
I'm not okay.

I scream those words in my head
And then ignore them.
Daily.

When I think about it,
I can feel a sort of
Euphoria
On my left wrist.

I'm not proud of this in the least
In fact,
I hate it.

I hate how those scars
Keep showing up
And I hate how I want
More.

I hate it
I hate it
I hate it.
 Jul 2014 fdg
circus clown
concealing the smiles
to seem less eager to please
in a smoke filled garage, you're holding
a can of beer that seems to be
sweating even less than i am
maybe it's nervous to meet your
lips, too

this is a night that leaves you
weak in your knees and begging
for just one more hand to brush
against your shoulder as it's
trying to route around you
to find the perfect spot on
the pool table, and that's
the only form of in-the-way
you're going to be tonight

they like you
don't worry
today, someone interacted with me who i thought i wasn't good enough to talk to.
it brought me back to the night i spent at their house, feeling like a real human being instead of a dark pit of self hate and embarrassment.
i wrote this to remind myself and others that isolating yourself doesn't get you anywhere. don't look for love for yourself in others, but you'd be surprised how many people actually enjoy you and your company. live.
 Jul 2014 fdg
circus clown
some days i'm depressed because i don't understand myself.
i don't get why i wake up angry most mornings, or why the world around me feels so loud when i don't even get out of bed.
some days i wonder why your absence makes me want to *****, when i'm not sure i even miss you.
i'm trying to find the connection between the two.

there's this moment, every morning at about 8:30 when i'm smoking my first cigarette of the day, when i feel every cell in my body collapse and rearrange in strange ways i don't understand just at the sight of a patio chair that you could be sitting in.
there's this single sigh of desperation when i almost wish you were out of jail so you'd call me over to make love with such incredible intimacy and passion, then forget to follow through again.
you haven't done that in a while, i think you meant it the last time you said you didn't want me and you never have.
i still think you'd like me better if i were still in your bed.
i think i'd like me better, too.
 Jul 2014 fdg
Ben
it doesn't seem that i can get high enough
                                                                          or low
to find a reason for b r e a k i n g this cycle
                                                        cycle          cycle
                                                                  cycle
of trying to become drinking buddies with my demons
or unconscious of the fact that i'm slowly letting my passions
                                               die.
i'm empty
on the ins
ide but at
least i loo
k ok.
 Jul 2014 fdg
Marshall CB Hiatt
You gave me a lot of memories to forget.
 Jul 2014 fdg
Jake
Sanity.
 Jul 2014 fdg
Jake
I write down my thoughts so they can breathe.
Don't mistake them for poetry.
I write to prove to myself that even on days I awake with my own blood on my hands.
I still am sane.
Or at least something similar to that.
Because if I was truly sane I would hate myself.
And I grew tired of that many months ago.
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