I should have left you so much sooner.
I should have walked away on Valentine's Day
when you wouldn't stop talking about her.
I should have let go of your hand,
I should have dropped that stupid bear at your feet
and thrown those flowers in the road.
I should have told you not to touch me if you tried to pull me back.
I should have walked to IHOP in the cold,
I should have gotten a table in my brother's section
and told him he was right,
you were an *******.
I should have bought heart shaped chocolates and eaten them alone in my room
and listened to Adele on repeat.
I should have rejected your calls,
I should have deleted your number from my phone
(even though I had it memorized).
I should have broken your heart,
because you sure as hell broke mine.
******* it,
I should have left you so much sooner.

I have to
force myself
not to
apologize
to you
every time I
stand up
for myself.

You have
brought me
to the point
of feeling guilty
for getting hurt
when you are
inconsiderate.

I'm not sorry.
That's what
I keep
telling
myself.

I woke up today with thoughts of falling from high places
and I wanted your help but you didn't reply
so I got out of bed
and pulled myself together
and surprisingly I felt okay without you there.

I have lifted this weight off of my shoulders
without your assistance.

It feels so good not to need you.

You have cuts on your arm
that you name after people
and you talk about them
like accidents.

I got this one when she left,
this one when she told me she didn't trust me,
this one when she wasn't there,

as if they were put there by the event,
by some other force you could not control,
but let me remind you,
it is called self harm for a reason.

The people you named them after
did not hold the blade,
these cuts on your arm are not battle wounds,
you are not fighting anyone
but yourself.
Stop blaming them.
Stop blaming the people who love you,
no one is out to get you
but yourself.
All your pain is self inflicted.
Let me say that again.
All your pain is self inflicted.

You are holding a gun to your head,
screaming at me with tears running down your face,
why are you doing this to me?

Put down the gun.

Look in a mirror.

**All your pain is self inflicted.

I whispered your name into clenched fists
and cursed myself for letting you in.
I ground your fingerprints off my skin with sandpaper
and dug your promises out of my veins.
I cracked my ribs and ****** you out of the marrow.
I exhaled all your breath from my lungs like cigarette smoke.
I set fire to the rose you gave me
and left the notes you wrote in the rain.
I destroyed myself to destroy you
but it wasn't enough.

I called you at 2am,
I spit venom into the phone,
Do you have any idea how guilty you make me feel?
I broke my own heart over you,
I told myself you deserved this,
I made you feel sorry
oh, did I make you feel sorry...

It's 6am now.
He deserved it.
He deserved it.
I ruined myself.
I ruined you.
I made you feel sorry.

*I keep telling myself it was worth it.

They swear on your existence,
they place you above their nation,
they use you to decide right and wrong,
they thank you before meals,
they whisper your name into clenched fists,
praying that you will bless them,
praying that your divine grace will save them,
they respect you,
they fear you,
they love you.
They convince themselves you love them, too.
But if you love them you have a cruel way of showing it,
if you love them you need to start acting like it,
because if you are their almighty father,
you need to start treating them like your children.
A father wants the best for his children,
a father sees the innocence in his children's eyes
and wishes it would stay there,
a father carries his children in his arms when they are tired,
he tucks them into bed at night,
he kisses their forehead and tells them
he loves them.
A father does not test his children with cruel punishments,
disease is not a proper gauge of devotion,
disasters may bring those involved closer
but only because they are mourning the loved ones you stole.
When a child tells their father they hate him,
he waits,
because he knows they are young
and they are learning
and they love him.
A father does not **** his child
to an eternity of suffering
for not worshipping the ground he walks on,
a father does not need recognition for the good he has done,
a father does not need recognition,
God, if you are so great,
why do you need recognition?
If you are so high above them,
why do you need their reassurance of your power?
Why do you make them beg for your help?
God, why are you so insecure?
God, do you punish them just to hear them cry your name?
God, why do you hurt your children?
They love you,
can't you ******* see that?

Dear God,
you are a deadbeat father.

I am a broken porcelain girl.
Not an angel,
a ghost.
And you will die like me;
*slowly.