we hate ourselves equally
but we love each other
it works out quite nicely.
my ground level confidence
and harsh insecurity
melt together so perfectly
so you sweep them up
like broken glass in a desolate kitchen.
i’ve built a wall around myself
but it’s been promptly torn down
villagers storm in like the shore
you’ve finally caught me.

i just want to die.
the bullet pressing
against my head,
the pills at the tip of
my tongue, blades scratching
against my skin, tearing
inside of me apart.
in a second the silent pin drops
like the delicate dead body
against the window ledge
as he lands, the blood pools
and spills from all directions
and soon public tears dilute the
crimson blood creating a river.

with your skin against
mine i could swear to
all the gods that we
will be just fine.

far from asleep, anxiously waiting
for the sun to peel away
the husk of the moon so
i know that i survived another
long lonely night.
nowhere feels like home anymore.
i'm stuck in the shadows of my
own thoughts, i am being consumed
by the darkness.
the authenticity of my escape
begins to wear thin and is
beginning to seal shut,
            
               I RUN FOR IT, BUT I'M NOT FAST ENOUGH.

hands covered in white paint,
a paint brush is in my hand.

instead of leaving to be set free from these shadows that haunt me,
i stayed to create something i could have had.

*i am my own worst enemy

i drew a map of my head
to sort out my thoughts
maybe if i could differentiate
the road of happiness
from the road of sadness
i would be more stable

when she brushes her arm
against mine and looks at me
with love in her eyes and
with the willingness to hold
my hand, i die a little on
the inside.

it is late
i spill boiling water on these soft hands
because i need to feel something
hardly on purpose
but i want to write courageous words
bigger than myself
only to tear them apart
and scatter the pieces
in a nearby storm drain

the star in the sky
that will guide me home.
the flicker of light i've been waiting for to make this journey through darkness less treacherous.
finally a shard of hope i've been awaiting for far too long.  
i'm trying to engrave myself
smiling alongside the four of you.
it's nothing compared to what it would be like being there.
there i would be home
and i'd feel warm.
it'd rid me of this emptiness,
this heart would finally feel whole again.

maybe then i would feel...

                                                  *complete

my eyelids feel as if they are being pulled down,
there is a constant noise that comes from
below my floorboards like a hollow idea and it's screaming to be fed,
i hear it every hour or so,
now you're falling down the stairs
and i watch you beautifully pirouette before
i put my hands out to catch you.
why do i feel so guilty for indulgence when i am alive only this one time?
i am moving and the dark red trees on the mountain look transparent
and they are in the shape of a maple leaf. i never know what i am seeing
but i am sure that
somebody needs me. how can anyone love me
when i'm not even completely there?
i am out of my mind but occasionally i will dawdle back in
and feel the invisible edges. it must be nice.

you can only run for so long
until you find that no matter
how far you get, the demon
that haunts you will always
be sewn to you like your shadow.
i need a piece of hope,
something, just something reassuring me
i'm not as crazy as i think.
maybe the wind has been
whispering to me this whole time.
i am just a leaf that has fallen,
but i promise as always
i will he back in time for spring.
until then i will become comfortable
with disappearing for the winter,
and who knows, maybe when the snow melts and the eerie chills of this brisk season are exiled, i will return as something more beautiful than any other leaf...

because that leaf will be me.

meet me in the hazy
smoke filled room.
hold my hand
and guide me to the exit.
i'd much rather fill my lungs
with you instead.

your eyes are bright.
it's not because of the
way the sun is shining,
but the storm inside
your head that refuses
to let you stop crying
and i just wish i knew
how to help.

i'm so exhausted of
displaying love
with depths so great,
that most don't even
have the desire to feel.