Dear diary;
I have always felt
like an inconvenience.
Perhaps that is why I flee
before I am made
aware of it.

What is sadder than
to end something that could have
given us much more?

11:31 PM
26/4/23

You and I were
never truly alone-
our demons always accompanied us
through love and through pain.

I don't know
how long I will miss you,
perhaps it will take as long
as I've wanted you:
an eternity.

Night has come,
and with it, the shadows
and the sorrowful moon.
I lie in bed and it's a little too silent.
I close my eyes, waiting for sleep,
but it always never comes.
You come to me in darkness
and I am reminded of a warmer time
so very far from where I ended up.
You are not here and neither am I,
at least the I that you remind me of
so very long ago, so very far from alone,
or maybe I always have been.

Why do I write about you
when you cannot see my words?
I do it because my heart
will not let me have it any other way.
This feeling may silence this voice,
it may even destroy me,
but these hands will continue
to write.

You want me to stay silent,
but how can I?
I cannot do it anymore.
There are emotions,
there is blood,
there is love
that cannot be silenced
and one day she will understand.

The way that you love
somebody affects their life-
Never forget that

4:30 PM
26/4/23

I wish I could see you,
I wish I could hold you,
but we are separated and
I don't know what to do.
All I can do is try.

The sun calls to sunflowers,
just as your heart of light calls to me.
I bask in it, absorbing every ray
you put out into this world.

Not everyone will like you
and that is okay.
You cannot please everyone,
no one can, in fact,
sometimes people can hurt us
through no fault of our own.
It is self-care to withdraw from these people,
to walk away for your well being.
Surround yourself with those who care
while at the same time,
prioritizing yourself.

What better feeling
than to look at someone
who once broke your heart and
feeling nothing at all.

Take your eyes off yesterday
and look to me, the future.
Walk towards me, run if you must,
but do not be afraid of me.
Do not doubt yourself or I
and don't let yesterday hold you back.
Let go of the past, of all the pain,
the loss and the darkness and
do not look back.
You are close now,
I can feel you already,
come to me, the future.

The JOY of seeing you again,
of seeing you smile again,
of hearing you laugh again,
of seeing you wake up again,
it floods this soul with JOY
and I am left swimming
in a sea of you.

Dear diary;
on one hand,
I hate being so alone
and on the other,
I have never felt more alone
than I do among others.
What sort of cruel paradox is this?
Perhaps I cannot connect
to anyone, let alone,
myself.

All of this distance
and silence will never stop
me from loving you  

7:10 PM
1/4/23

There is a fine line
between wanting someone back
and missing someone

3:55 PM
28/3/23

All I remember
is that I was young,
dumb and ignorant.
You took me in and showed this heart
a love it never knew existed-
and then you broke me.

There are things I will
never understand such as
why I still love you

11:51 PM
27/3/23

To stay like this,
forever far away, silent
and unknown to your heart
is something I hope will
not burden me for the
rest of my life.

I know that this is
going to torture me for
the rest of my life

11:09 PM
26/3/23

I wanted to take care of you
as if you were the last sunflower on Earth
but winter ravaged this garden.
Despite my best efforts,
I watched your petals wither
before my helpless eyes.
It is true that I did not know
how to take care of you,
but I’ll be ****** if
I had not given you my all.

I write
even though you
are not reading.
I will continue to write
in hopes that one day
you will.

I see your smile
and I wonder if heaven
has opened for me

10:12 AM
18/3/23

I hope I wake up
when this nightmare is over-
it's taking so long

8:17 PM
14/3/23

You and I
are different people now.
Maybe if we met again
it would be like meeting
for the first time
all over again.

How easily it was
for you to leave.
How simple it was
for you to turn off the switch
and move on with
your life.

Why is it so hard
to let go of those who
hurt us the most?
Is it because they were once
the source of happiness
and everything nice?
Are we still clinging onto the hopes
that it will go back to
the way it was?

Once a crab has made
a home in one shell of a heart,
it is difficult for it to find
a home in another.

Some of us are living in
our own little battlefield,
fighting to survive an inner war.
We are broken, we are hurting,
fighting for those missing pieces
that prevent us reaching peace.

There is a song in
my heart that only you know
the melody to

5:43 PM
22/2/23

It does not take a
thousand cuts, but a well-placed
wound upon a heart

10:55 AM
19/2/23

I am leaving-
not because I want to,
but because by leaving,
I will recover the piece
of me missing.

Is this farewell? Maybe…
But aren't our lives filled with goodbyes?
From our pets to our childhood friends,
how many people in your youth
who you once held dear
do you still talk to this day?
Whether it be time, location or our feelings,
life is always changing and we
are always saying goodbye.

I am no longer anxious
because I have you.
I carry you in my heart,
I feel you in every beat and
all my sorrow
and stress melt
away from this soul.

Why do I still dream
of you to this day?
You are no longer in my life-
you are out of thought, out of sight,
so what is it about you that
my mind still finds the need
to place you in my dreams?

To dream you is to
still believe that one day you
will come back to me

4:12 PM
10/2/23

What will I do with
all that vulnerability
you have given me?

3:59 PM
9/2/23

You are your own worst enemy.
Indeed, it is you who have placed
these traps and obstacles along your path.
You underestimated the enemy inside-
its power, its strength, its perseverance.
It has overwhelmed you,
made you feel small and insignificant.
So do not waste your time in search
of an enemy in this world-
your enemy inhabits you.
You have only to look
within.

There are countless ways
to show your love,
each way unique like
every little snowflake,
each one glistening to be seen
in all its intricate beauty.  
Let my love fill your skies
with endless snow like that
of a Christmas morning.

Some days are harder than others.
This separation cuts deep and all I can do
is hope that I will see you soon.
Come back into my arms,
anchor this heart so that I
will not fade from yours.

Sometimes missing you
hits me like a storm.
Black clouds come without warning,
dampening everything below.
I am left in eternal darkness
that only your light
can restore.

You are not at fault for
anyone’s warped view of you.
Stay true to yourself and
let your truth prevail.

I have laid in your
bed of sunflowers and
I have taken one home.
I keep it upon my bedside table
so that I will never forget you
and your warmth and joy you bring.
This is how I continue to adore you and
how you continue to
brighten my world.

If I was summer
then you were winter
that enveloped my sun
in an endless cold.
Where we would swim in lakes
you would freeze over in ice
and everything else I had grown.
Every flower I planted for you
was destined to wither and
not even my sun could
withstand your storm.

The day I find you
is the day I forget I
was looking for you

8:28 PM
4/2/23

you are a sunflower that
coats this ground in petals.
They form a path for me to follow,
a path that will always bring me
back to you.

My silence is
every word, every scream
I have had to swallow.

Trust is confessing
you are smothered in oil
to the person holding
the match.

If I did not travel to that country,
If I did not attend that class,
If I did not take that job,
I would have missed out
on the best moments of my life.
But as grateful as I am,
I sometimes wonder
how many people I never met,
all the places I never went
if I had chosen a different path
and all of the memories
I would have instead.