It is impossible to separate you
like the sun from the moon.
It still hurts to remember you,
but the memories still
brighten my days.

This darkness
has not left me alone.
It consumes me
day after day-
night after night-
a void I cannot escape.
It's like I'm dreaming
but can't wake up.

Poets are a strange bunch-
we enjoy the fall until we've hit the ground.
Sometimes we push ourselves if
for nothing but the art.
Oh, how we find that spark
in the darkness of suffering.
Indeed, what a mad bunch we are,
to find sanity in our madness
and I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I want to love and
I want to feel alive so
what's holding me back?

12:18 PM
9/4/22

Though I am lost,
I am still trying to find
my way back to who I was.
I am still out there,
somewhere,
and I believe he too is trying
to find his way back to me.

You planted sunflowers
in this heart and so gloriously they grew,
under the sun they glow,
singing your name from
dawn until dusk.

There was something
quite not right when I
last saw you-
I couldn't put my finger on it
but I could tell you weren't there-
the you I used to know.
Perhaps it were the flames
that had left your eyes or the
magic absent in your smile that
had brought forth this darkness
that shrouds us to this day.
Yes, you sowed the seeds of our demise
on that day and I was too hopeful,
too in love and too naïve
to see the signs.

You closed the door on
me and I closed the door on
everybody else

10:04 PM
6/4/22

Ah, I don't care anymore
if you still see me pouring my heart
onto the page in your name.
What more can you take from me?
I keep on writing your name
knowing that each letter
is a papercut unto this soul.

Dear Diary;
Would the world
be any different if I
stopped putting pen to paper?
Would life
by any different if I
stopped pursuing my passion?
I've considered it,
but what would I be
without my voice?
I feel too much to sit in silence,
to bottle it up without an outlet
to keep me sane.
The truth is that I am incapable
of separating myself from these words-
an extension of myself on page
and I wouldn't have it
any other way.

Some nights are
filled with so much darkness,
so much emptiness.
Everyone is asleep now
and it's just me and the solitude
once again.
Is this what
loneliness feels like?

I have dreams
that only you can
make come
true.

Yes, it's true,
I still think of you-
how can I forget the one
who consumed my mind,
heart and soul for so long?
Years can go by,
I can move away,
I can even be reborn,
yet in my mind you still remain.

The night is solitary,
not sadness.
It is the embrace of the moon
that makes for good company rather
than the unforgiving sun.
These neon lights will not fade,
nor the city ambience-
the soundtrack to my nights.
Once again,
I find myself with a bottle in hand
as the dying dusk comes and goes-
I sigh.

You are still present
in every soul I witness,
every smile that shines
and every heart that loves.

I feel better when
the memories of you and
I come flooding back

12:58 PM
3/4/22

I could be elsewhere,
but I've decided this is
where I want to be

2:06 AM
2/4/22

The last time I saw you,
it did not feel the same.
I could feel it straight away-
you had changed and
had already closed the door
to what we once were.
And alongside me,
you left your innocence
and who you used to be.

What I like most about solitude
is that no one wants to steal it away.
Society, on the other hand,
is in such abundance that
anyone and everyone
can't get enough.

I need my solitude
like the sunflowers
need the sun.

The truth will set you free
no matter how frightening it may be
to shed the ignorance we have
found comfort in.
Some people may run and hide from it,
others even fight it,
but the more you seek truth,
the easier it will be to
make that peace.

We don't really talk anymore
but when we do,
I cherish every word,
every giggle and grin
you reciprocate.
I do miss our conversations-
time had a way of slipping away,
like all my problems disappeared
but for those moments with you.
Indeed,  they take this heart on a rollercoaster
and I must remind it to keep still.
Sometimes I think that I shouldn't
talk to you anymore,
that I am only opening up wounds
I thought had healed long ago-
that my soul drinks your every word
as if to quench its thirst.

This photograph,
this knowledge of you,
will stay with me forever.
A snapshot in time
of who you once were
and who I once loved
forever cherished in this heart.
And though you may change,
sometimes into someone
I no longer recognize,
this memory will remain
as you were when I loved you
in this photograph.

Come and fill this space
in my heart that no one has
been able to fill

4:11 PM
28/3/22

What is worse
than missing someone who
does not even think
about you?

I wish I was
satisfied by silence
but I cannot bite my tongue
anymore.
I will not accept defeat
and I will not let you leave
until I say my piece.

What happens after death?
Someone sheds a tear for you,
smiles for you,
and the memories live on,
as you live on,
alive in another.

Healing begins
with a choice.
A difficult one, yes,
but commit to that choice
and you will be
on your way.

There is nothing wrong
with losing people.
What is wrong is
losing yourself
for other people.

How fragile must
we be to have our pride hang
on another's words

8:14 PM
25/3/22

To wake up and
remember that you're gone,
that you have left,
that your body
no longer warms mine
makes for the coldest mornings
I have even known.

You fill my life
with sunflowers the way
you light up the room
with nothing but your smile.

Only memories remain
from the ruins of you and I.
I shift through the rubble of yesterday
but our destruction turned them to ash.
The echoes of the past still shriek
throughout these ruins but
they are just memories-
nothing more.

Dear Diary;
another day,
another awkward interaction
that no one probably cares about...
except me,
of course.
Is it going to keep me up at night?
Of course.
Will it make me want to die?
Of course.

But I have never
cared about taking myself
so seriously

4:26 PM
25/3/22

The human being
is a galaxy comprised
of hypocrisies

4:23 PM
25/3/22

What an honor it
is to fill your nights with joy
and everything nice

12:00 AM
25/3/22

Your assumptions of
other people are mostly
wrong most of the time

4:30 PM
24/3/22

Somewhere down the line
you lost yourself.
Was I to blame?
I'm not sure,
but I did ignore the signs
and that's on me.
Both of us thought you
would never get lost and now
I just want to bring back
who you once were.

What a contradiction it is
to feel too much while
feeling nothing at all.

The reality
is that I made myself feel
alone, no one else

5:50 PM
21/3/22

You are not
the antagonist
for every story.
Not every story
is about you-
sometimes we have
to learn to see
other people too.

I will not ask you to stay-
you don't owe me anything.
I know you will leave
and there is nothing I can say
to change that.
Our time is coming to an end
and though you will say goodbye,
that doesn't mean my
heart will reciprocate.

I just try to keep
myself busy so that I
don't feel anything

11:40 PM
20/3/21

Usually I say
that I am tired when I
usually mean sad

11:35 PM
20/3/22

I feel nothing
for the greatest pleasures
and terrible tragedies-
this is how it has always been.
Call it a lack of emotion,
an emptiness, a hollowness-
I carry that around in my soul,
my blood and my bones.

I feel nothing
for the greatest pleasures
and terrible tragedies-
this is how it has always been.
Call it a lack of emotion,
an emptiness, a hollowness-
I carry that around in my soul,
my blood and my bones.

Life is a
series of moments
I have to pretend to
feel what I don't feel
in that moment.

You planted
a sunflower
and it bloomed your future.

I've settled for the
memory of your smile
to give me a reason to live.
Even if I don't have you,
it doesn't matter,
your smile is enough
for me to smile in the
bleakest of mornings
and the darkest of nights.