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From the depth of sullenness
A cry is released
Screeching  with violence,
The silence is ceased

Next time the laughter
Behind the scenes,
Accomplished by whispers
Rallying between

A **** of the head
A sonorous glance
Many tears shed
No noble stance

All eyes center
They all stare
It won’t get better
She is quite aware

An orb of commotion
Molded to harm
Weighed down with emotion
Triggered the alarm

The stress was too much
She couldn’t bear no more
But she’s numb to the touch
And has closed the door

The others around
Just watch her top blow
They watched her soul wander
And didn’t help it home

Too late has already escaped
Her escape wasn’t too fast

Entangled in
Delicate strings,
The web of confusion
Has locked her in.
 Nov 2013 Missblackraven
ali
He always asks me why.
"Why are you so sorry?"
Well, let me count the reasons on my fingers
even though I'd need more hands than just my own.
- I'm sorry that I care too much and not enough at the same time
- I'm sorry I say the wrong thing at the wrong time
- I'm sorry the moon hides when the sun comes, and the sun for the moon
- I'm sorry I keep talking about him, he's all I can think about
- I'm sorry I keep losing atoms
- I'm sorry I have worry thoughts that cloud my brain like smoke
- I'm sorry I like the smallest stars better than the bigger ones
- I'm sorry I can't write poetry
- I'm sorry I like stupid boy bands
- I'm sorry California is so far away
- and that I can't drive
- I'm sorry I like 90s TV shows and movies more than the ones they play now
- I'm sorry I don't have more hands (then maybe I could keep my head held high)
- I'm sorry I bolted at the mall when I saw them
- I'm sorry I never said goodbye to Popou, even though Jimmy kept telling me to, even though they said he wasn't going to die that night
- I'm sorry the chemicals in my brain don't work right (but I'm trying really hard to fix it)
- I'm sorry my anxiety rules my life, because that is not who I am
- and I'm sorry for saying sorry so much
- for being a hypocrite
- and spending too much of my time on Netflix
- I'm sorry chameleons never get a chance to be themselves
- I'm sorry it took me so long to get over him
- I'm sorry that I don't believe you
- I'm sorry that they don't have Wawa's on the west coast
- and I'm sorry Dobby died
  I'm sorry to you, too, for all of these reasons.
Her
I look up and I see
her
She stares back me
slightly surprised
to find a face, eyes
looking back at her.
She surprises me every time
I don't know what I expect
But what I see isn't what I want.

Sometimes I cannot help but stare.
Sometimes I think she is beautiful
The best, brightest girl ever.
But then I blink
and she goes back to being...
her.

She
is not me.
She cares about people, things and
life.
She cares about things. She
cares. And that is not me.
Sometimes I wish it was me.
Sometimes I want to jump into her skin
and be her for real,
be the face, or mask? that she has.
The perfect mask.

But then I blink and she goes back to being...
her.

And then I walk away from the mirror.
The little girl stood, with cone in hand. The ice cream on the ground.
The tears welled up in her eyes, as people stood around.
Tears fell like rain, her heart was breaking, she didn’t know what to do.
Then through the tears, saw grandpa kneeling… Saying, “Grandpa’s here for you.”

Grandpa said to the ice cream man “Another ice cream please.”
“Stack it high and pack it tight.” “We’ve got things to do and see.”
The little girl melted into his arms The sorrow turned to joy.
When grandpa’s near, all is better For grandpa’s little girl.

Oh, grandpa loves you Lucy Girl Forever and always.
When things get tough, call on Him He will lead you through the maze.
When you get to Heaven, many years from now. You will find me waiting there.
I’ll be by the ice cream stand a waiting Just for you to get there .

The little girl grew to a fine young woman. The time went by so fast.
She learned of things not of this world. The things that will always last.
You could see grandpa and the young girl, Walking side by side through life.
When things got tough they called on Him, To help them through the strife.

Oh, grandpa loves you Lucy Girl Forever and always.
When things get tough, call on Him He will lead you through the maze.
When you get to Heaven, many years from now. You will find me waiting there.
I’ll be by the ice cream stand a waiting Just for you to get there .

The young woman cried when grandpa died. As they lowered him in the ground.
Tears welled up, in her eyes As people stood around.
Tears fell like rain, her heart was breaking. She knew just what to do.
So she looked up high to see the Father And heard “Grandpa’s here for you.”

Your, grandpa loves you Lucy Girl Forever and always.
When things get tough, call on Me I will lead you through the maze.
When you get to Heaven, many years from now. You will find him waiting here.
He’ll be by the ice cream stand a waiting Just for you to get here

Oh, grandpa loves you Lucy Girl Forever and always.
When things get tough, call on Him He will lead you through the maze.
When you get to Heaven, many years from now. Your will find me waiting here.
I’ll be kneeling right next to Jesus While I’m waiting for you to get here.

Good night sweet Princess. See you in the morning.
©9-15-06 John Stevens

11-08-2013
Written originally for my grandson Tony (8).  People say we are joined at the hip.  He is a 24/7 little guy and this is how I "wish"/"hope" life will be lived.  I realized I needed to make a copy for Lucy Girl (4) so she will be included.

Ice Cream was written for my grandson Tony (Anthony Stevens) as a reminder how I want to be as an influence in his life. There is also an underlying deeper meaning as to our relationship to God. Our Ice Cream (blessings) hits the ground from time to time because of our neglect or possibly no fault of our own, but God is there if we just look up and see Him kneeling to take us in His arms.

It all started on a Sunday morning when my Pastor said, “imagine a little boy standing there with an empty cone in his hand…. and the ice cream is on the ground. The images came flooding in and by the time first service was over, most of it was written. Since I run the sound system I listen to both Sunday morning services. Much of what I have written about has come from a trigger on Sunday morning or something similar. What do you do when YOUR Ice Cream hits the ground?
It has been sung to a couple of venues.
Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I have nothing to say
Behind these closed lips are thousands of stories,
Endless words, thoughts, emotions
Waiting to be summoned
But fear is the glue that keeps my mouth shut
And the words scrawled on these pages
Convey more than my hushed voice ever could.

Just because I smile, doesn’t mean that I’m content
Beneath this ill-fitting cloak of concealment
With all its plastic sincerity,
There is a girl with fragile dreams
And eyes brimming with fire
Thrown into a world where she suffocates
In the heat of human expectations.

Just because I am ignored, doesn’t mean I am transparent
Carelessly I am dismissed, overlooked
They don’t understand that, like them,
I have felt pain, sorrow and joy
I am alive
My heart beats as their’s do
But we are separated by invisible walls.

I am more than a flickering, nameless face
Whispered words, a vacant smile
I am not a long-forgotten book lying facedown on the shelf
I am an endless world below the barrier reefs
Of a vast, uncharted ocean
But no one ever dares to leave the shore
And break the surface.
Every time I hear the phone ring once I've gone to bed
I shudder
I'm afraid of what the news might be if I go and answer
I shudder
I hate the sound of that **** phone
Late at night and all alone
Feel like a kid though I am grown
I shudder

I don't want to hear that someone died
That phone just reaches deep inside
And pulls me to a place I don't want to go
With parents ill, and others sick
That ringing phones a ***** trick
The news that comes with it ...I just don't want to know

My mind is racing like my heart
With images of life as we once knew it
I don't want to forget a single day
Of how we laughed and we would play
I just don't know how I will quite get through it
The thought of losing someone close...is tough
Of pain and grief, this heart has had enough.....

So....Every time I hear the phone ring once I've gone to bed
I shudder
I'm afraid of what the news might be if I go and answer
I shudder
I hate the sound of that **** phone
Late at night and all alone
Feel like a kid though I am grown
I shudder
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