motor cycle boots
heavy jeans
long sleeve Raiders sweatshirt
and as I look down I see **** ****
dressed like a boy? NO
Dressed for fun toys!
I find it ****
this rider gear
I do not need heels and a dress to win
**** lady Cheers

not just words
      feelings
                   declarations of self
SELF IDENTITY
where did I go?
   Paradox you call personality disorders
cause others to go insane right along with you
you edit me in every way
I try not to trigger you along the day
but edit this
I am fighting for my own rights and identity
no more fights-
I will not be the sponge that absorbs you
I am but a mirror
let me be clear
I can not afford to be..you

A dozen years pass by twice
many more I keep rolling the dice
Fitting basement living in the dark
Empty bank within my heart
Ever loved never felt
conditional cards always dealt
That search for what has means
What is real treasure true
11 years invested didn't feel that with you
This your second chance
you did not even invest
No feelings given to fill me up
My bank robbed blown to hell
I find myself left empty
A shell, waiting to be filled

It is well known that evil spirits hate sweet smells and sends them running straight back to hell.
Once a mans object shows his true face nothing can be unseen again..I run I race.
I am very frightened by his face.
Look in left corner and you will see it is true..there is an EVIL MAN Haunting and Staring right at you.
There is no edit, no touch up-no game.
This mans objects show his face of shame.
I know the beast within him rages with fear.
I pour it on me heavily
the frankincense and myrrh~
Evil spirits hate that smell.
it fouls their mouth their nose and their hairs.
They stand on end and he protests..that **** stinks
I cannot digest!
I tell the man It is frankincense and myrrh
And it protects me from evil spirits that spur.
I look right at him no feat in mind
I tell him I wear it because of your kind!

Exotica is back in the drive
This is my second night in my new room.  My husband has no idea I moved out from below him.  I know he feels the power shift and has spoken directly to the fact that men no longer stare at me everywhere we go.  I have never looked better but the power factor has men scared.  "They know they do not have the power" he says.  Oh really you completely understand this fact but not for your own situation?  I get furious as I recall the cruel day.  
I have had about 3 hours sleep.  That is a generous estimate.  I have laid down here and there trying to sleep with no mercy shown.  I do not think I have ever curled up in the corner so small.  I cannot remember what happened, all a fog.  I cannot sleep without my Odd.  I know he is within but today has just been mean as hell itself.
"Do you even like the pink outfit or purple hair?"  I ask as we are going into town.  I have been ignored all day unless cussed at.  "NO" he responds.
What the hell is wrong with this man I am a hot ***** you dumb *******.  I shake my head and think this is your last trip to town with a **** lady.  I pity you fool.  So ignorant to everything outside your routine.
I will say once more this is my second night in my new room and he has no idea I have even left.  I serve his routine and then lay quiet like a dog in the corner.

Exotica is back in the drive.  The beat of the music is changing.
I sit here on my bed in a room almost twice the size.  I have HEAT now.  So nice to be warm.  Yes I will miss my pink bedroom.  If I really miss it I can go play in it at any time.  It will now be the sewing center and main area of crafting objects.  I do sit here among millions of beads and strands of natural gemstones flowing down the walls and racks and racks of color..mmm color.  Gentle sway with the music.  Await the positive one.  The one who takes away all the pain.
The mood of the room is changing....know that the music is changing.  Close my eyes and sway.  I await your awake.  Come play

Think- wow that was awesome
Feel- I feel so good
Think- I hope he ...
Feel-worthlessness
Think- he probably thinks I am too much
Feel-not good enough
Think-why I am never good enough
Feel-hurt and alone - rejected
Think- I am being rejected
Think- we were so good together
Feel- why would I feel alone worthless and hurt after such a great experience?
FEEL- what I experienced was awesome.  I loved every moment of it, every sound every feel and every move, every look.

I feel that what I think ends up messing up what I feel.
I think perhaps I should just let feelings sit without trying to categorize them too fast.
Every morning I wake up with a bunch of feelings, a lot of thoughts and I try to work them out through written word/poetry.  Most of the time I have no idea what I am going to write about.  I simply open a NEW POEM window and start expressing how I feel, what I think.
This morning I want to separate the two.  Because what I feel has little to do with what I think- I-We make it over complicated.  What I feel gets muddied up by what I think.  What I feel without thinking is pure-PURE and good.  I only taint it by adding thoughts-ATTACHMENTS- to my experience.  My experience and feelings were perfect before I started adding "crap" to it/them.
I find this to be MY TRUTH.
Thoughts bring expectations, doubts, and negativity.  It clouds what was real with a bunch of ****!
I am going to remember ALL OF IT without expectations, doubts and n TRIPPIN because I am keeping my thoughts out of it.
I think* I THINK* (too much) I think we over think stuff and **** it up.  Some things should just be left as experiences without putting all that thinking on top of it to TAKE AWAY the feelings.  YES THINKING COVERS YOUR FEELINGS FOOL!  But you knew that didn't you?

She is 13 today.  She expected to be loved and celebrated.
Instead she walks the windy streets in a stolen white dress.
There are no caring parents.  
Father in prison for attempted ****** of her mother.  
All witnessed by her little brother.  Her father was also a ****** sadist who cut her up and made her a mess from age 3 on up.(.right here i will confess.)  
Her mother forgave her father but blamed her.  Her mother still blames her forever more for her lack of pureness.  
Despite naming her daughter the word for PURE.
The girl in the long white stolen dress walks alone.  
There is no place to go to, no home.  
She has been on the streets now for two years.
Living on roof tops, cleaning bars after hours for recycling cans of half drank beers.  
She stays at parties way more serious than her years because she has no where else to sleep.  
That gets her in a lot more trouble than the streets.  
Her hurt and pain factor grow as the seasons change she knows..soon..they will catch her and away she will go.
Until then she walks the streets in a stolen white dress.  
She wanted to look pretty just in case her mother wanted to spend some time with her, give her some love and confess..she was wrong to blame the little girl who just witnessed and felt the entire mess.
She took the brunt of his illness, of hers too.
Those parents where a special brew


To this day that girl walks the streets to try and find her way
with flashbacks of the white stolen dress..and an empty heart
with no where to bless

Little river how you flow
Buzzing between and into my toes
Humming and purring
With such flow
Always around me
watering me
helping me grow
Little bee how you buzz me
As the river
As you are both
Buzzing flowing
making yourself known
Lucky me lucky me
buzzy bee buzzy bee
I feel your flow

Espresso hits my lips
6:12 vocalization begins
CHA CHA
Shoulder thrusts with each CHA yell
I smile for the phone getting romancing
I look at my phone and I wonder
You awake yet?
Lick my lips in remembering
Drifting off in want content in waiting
You said you could not do this
Your reasons were good, not debating
Sometimes a connection needs investgating
I found you worth baiting
I went fishing, anticipating
Something are just not worth negating
Want is worth working and
Wordsmiths are especially fun
I desire the scenes you have spun
I really enjoy the words you send to me
Now wake up and give me a hug
And see the smile left upon me

Goose bumps
lil lovie lumps
raising my skin up
rising to your touch
I want you so much
my skin begs
come sink within
I rise for you
with my skin~

I had a really bad craving
There was no mistaking
I had wild urges and super surges
I wanted so bad I went and chased a few skirts
I wanted words more than anything
I craved that attention full of sensuality
Thoughts of pleasurable endeavors
Such flattery for which my phone has never seen
I have to admit..that was quite keen!
However that was much like the first bite
of my favorite ice cream!
So I sure hope you come back soon
Cause my thingy down there..is starting to swoon~

GrowlingMs
Wanting Hot Ahhhhs
We are Heat
we are calm
exciting exciting calm
endless breath with endless expansion
the MMMMMMs growl
they are deep wanting growls and that sound of oh my god you drive me wild
I cannot wait til your in my ears again
Mmmmm
My shoulders quake
momentarily my heart races
peace will come again as that is where we live
as I wait for you my body just growls mmmm

Like crying babies who don't use tissues
Heaven must have its own issues
I feel the heaven I live within has its own issues
Let me begin
No cold water in the bathtub for the first month, a sin!
Snakes lizards and spiders in the basement
With water leaks peeking out when it rains
I am sure I will see them again
The chimneys in heaven must get swept?
I know someone would want a fire up there
To cozy up with a good book or in a self created sewing nook
I am sure heaven has some soot
I am sure even in heaven chimney sweeps have ***** boots
Now I feel I live in heaven
But this place has its issues
But nothing will bother me much, well except for those skunks
The bears will sleep soon and leave me alone
By then the fruit of the fall will all be gone!
I wonder if heaven has its seasonal issues
I wonder if babies up there actually use tissues
For now I will take my slice of heaven, with its issues
and be thankful I take the harshness with the beauty
And pray I don't run out of **** tissue ; )

He just needs someone
It does not seem to matter WHO
As long as Someone is there for him to talk to
It used to be me, that someone he spoke to everyday
I thought our conversations were special, our time unique
But in the end he just needed just ANYBODY to hear him speak
He has filled the void my leaving has left
He no longer calls because he feels the world is deaf
He found another to take his grief off his chest
In the end I know this is right, my leaving was best
I ended my disillusion that I could make everything alright
He never heard a word I said
He never showed me he understood, just played dead
I know that right now he is talking to her
Some stranger that in reality is a blur
Just someone, anybody to hear his voice
Without much thought he picked her, his choice
She is someone who listens to him
But does he ever hear her?

You use lingo that flows yes
But I protest
How is it that I KILLIN YOU?
What do you mean? Am I scaring you again?
laughs Do not worry
I am just going to drug you and pounce
oh look I have hands this time!!!
****
NAAA I am ******* wit you
Maybe I do not want to blow the fantasy
Can that be topped?
We can be great friends you and I
but then again
First waves come with little knowledge
Now your dangerous cause you know my verse
I should dress in layers and pretend
ain't nothing happening between friends
Kick it in your chair at the other end..
grab your **** and make it mine
Scared again> yet> waves might get you wet?
Come on I saw you surf
Your not afraid of getting snarled at or hearing GRRRS
wait wait..We can kick it as friends do not hurry
Hang ten in your chair with no worry
Wanna watch Rocky Horror with Tim Curry?

How am I killin you dude? ; ) You poor *******!

I argue the point and take a stand.  How is eating food and sliding a fork in and out of your mouth so much different than a kiss?  It is a sensational thing to be fully present for either but if I cannot be kissed I will eat like it is my ***!
A hard chair.  Sit upright.  Dress right..or undress just right.Heels of course.  No Tv.  NO PC.  Silence or the Cocteau Twins Treasure.
Treasure is the third studio album by Scottish alternative rock band Cocteau Twins. It was released on 1 November 1984, through record label 4AD. With this album, the band settled on what would, from then on, be their primary lineup: vocalist Elizabeth Fraser, guitarist Robin Guthrie and bass guitarist Simon Raymonde.
The album reached number 29 on the UK Albums Chart, becoming the band's first UK Top 40 album, and charted for 8 weeks.[9] It also became one of the band's most critically successful releases, although the band themselves have expressed dismay at it.  Know your ******* music!
Sit proper and nice.  Make a nice table setting-IMPRESS YOURSELF!!!!  I mean **** who is in your mouth??  You have more sensations all over than you use..I might spank you if you do not do a nice setting and snap a photo..you know I want to sea green IT!!!
Now take the time to feel the complexity of the flavors built, skill involved-maybe a ******* KILT!
Feel the sliding of the FORK IN AND OUT..little strokes in your pout.
Let is slide so slowly out..feel the edges..nice and smooth..let it slide feel that tine groove.
Chew so succulent and slow..feel the textures and LET THOUGHTS GO
Feel the flow, taste everything within it sink below.
Belly warm, food is desire..imagination and being present is all that is required~

The best way to treat myself is some fine dining.  Living watercress & Italian parsley- balsamic vinegar salad on the side of a tempting dish of white beans with sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, celery, cilantro,orange peppers and some garlic and chili paste with a lemon slice I ate right away and dashed the whole thing with a drizzle of balsamic.  I did not taste test anything.  I know what a good balance is.  My meal was a 5 star worthy dish.  I ate everything on my plate.

I am a Flower
I am an iris
I bloomed last night
My arms like petals opening
Giving up my protective shell
Opening to reveal a delicate center
A delightfully fresh piece of my soul
Full of splendor and vivid color
My center is beautiful to behold
Fragile and unique to me alone
I give it to you freely
Because you made me bloom

Karen

I am a leaf blowing in the wind
Looking for the places I have been
Withered paths, natures will
As life does, I roll uphill
See within my veins
Beautiful colors with
All the seasons change
Sweet summer rains,
Blazing autumn fires
Tread laid by travelers tires
Where I have gone, and
Where I will be
All apart of life,
The struggle the strife
Winters so cold
It cuts like a knife
I have been blowing in the breeze
Most of my life
I grew green and fertile
Now changing colors
I scrape the ground
Slow like a turtle
My edges are sharp now
My life in the middle
I miss my tree, warm and caring
All others around me
Dancing with the wind
Making music together
The sun so generous
As I lay on the ground
Feeling my soul whisper
My own sound
The smell of the dirt reminding
Wonders that abound
I tip my seed out
No fear, no doubt
That I have all I need
Within me to plant
My roots firm in the ground
For I am the seedling, the branch, the tree
I create the universe
And it all grows within me

Karen Cosson

"You have captured my heart and soul"
But I did not try to or mean to I say
"Be careful with it" you say
I did not put my hand out and take any offers so large
but with that sentence you did charge...
I have a sense of guilt already!
but I keep saying
"We are not going steady"
I am not responsible for your heart
You are~

Such a Surge
Running round the room
Spouting with the N9ne
I am part of their crew ; )
My heat is racing
I continue the chasing
I should slow down
Wait til your back in town
I feel that draw and I am at a loss
I just can't find a flaw in your energy
You feel so **** good
I want to draw you into me
Being with you relaxes me
I am surging high and wild
Yet relaxed as a playful child
You bring me joy, I hope you know
The energy is what it is and it knows where to go
You, yourself told me so
I feel you out there
Where ever you are
Our connection is alive
Contentment with joy dew
Hello my BB
I surge with you
smooch
; )

My desire for you to hear the scratches from my ankles to my hip drive me to scrape the dips.
I want the sound rippling through your ears and down your spine. . I want to swell in you-deeply
As deeply as your voice is part of my skin.  As deep as every scratch added together has been.  
I have never ripped through my skin such as I did.  My greatest desire is to be bound and placed in your lap.  The most peaceful desire that has ever been.  No trap, no fight.  Surrender-pure surrender-all of me.  As I sit here with my entire body electrified with sizzling skin and flaky flesh falling off my thighs all I want is more.  Those sounds you heard drew blood.  My flesh lives and breaths you.  It opens and flows with life for you.  I bow my head and offer every ripple on my skin to you, for you to sooth or make sting.  I await the next sweet set of sensation taking me out of my mind, into my body and back out of myself all together and back again..sweet surrender..yours til the end~

WE avoid
TRY to fill the void
TOO erase the pain
HARD to know what is real
TO walk a straight line out of the darkness
NOT make mistakes and lose each other
TOUCH each other in many ways
EACH a sight to behold
OTHER people do not understand

WE have comfort
NEED is a call that is answered
EACH listening with intent
OTHER people just don't get it

I really love your smile
CARE goes both ways
ABOUT time
YOU relaxed

I do not want to see you full sail!
Do not drop your **** in my mail!
I have no interest in your member
I said that to begin with remember??
I do not accept **** mail!
I might come stab you or slap you
Too much effort with nothing to gain
This transaction is now a pain
I find it easier just to block you
Had to show your **** didn't you?

I don't know how to to get to you~
I want pull you into me
But I don't know how to get to you
We swim in a giant sea

Finding you was hard for me
I wish I had the hook you need
I don't know how to get to you

I don't know where your at
Love to be where your at
Swimming so close to me
The person I want touching me
I don't know how to get to you
I wish I could get to you
This is a giant sea
Currents might carry you away from me
That thought scares me
I have a few insecurities

I want to be what you want
I want to tease you and to taunt
I wish I had the hook you need
I wish I knew how to get to you~
I want to make you drool
Not sure I know how to get to you

Tell me and I will make it come true

But all he could see was his lies needed to be laid thicker
With that my senses told me to get away much quicker
I gave him endless possibilities, gave him all I had
But he stole from me..but that my dear is always a
Chad