I've been waiting
18 years
for you to say
*I'm proud of you.

You will fail
Your GPA will drop
You can't do it

I think in the past few months,
I have been told this
Over 50 times.
And you won't believe who it's coming from.

My own mother.

The one who is supposed to be my biggest supporter.
The one who used to think I was smart.
The one who loved be regardless of my mistakes.
The one who I always asked for advice.
My best friend, my partner in crime, my mother.

It's as if nothing I do anymore
really means to her.
It's as if no matter how hard I try,
I still fail in her eyes.
No matter what I accomplish,
I will never hear her say,
"I am proud of you."*

At the end of the day,
the only reason I stay,
in this dreaded house,
is because I have nowhere else to go.

So for now,
I'll sit here,
and listen
to you
tell me
how my life should be
and how I will never amount to anything.

I love those mornings
Where the blinds are closed shut
But the sunlight still creeps in
And the room temperature is just right.
Your legs feel smooth against your blankets
Your head rests comfortably on your pillow
You hear the low murmur of your ceiling fan
And the birds are chirping outside

I love these Texas spring mornings
Full of sunshine and butterflies

When you let go of the negative
And embrace the positive,
When you decide to smile
Instead of frown,
When you destroy your demons
And stop listening to them,
When you open your windows
And breathe the life around you,

You finally feel this wondrous sensation
Called happiness.

I am not a victim,
But a warrior.

I am not my disorder,
But a imperfect human being.

I am not the scars on my skin,
But a survivor.

I am not the demons in my head,
But a recovery soldier.

I am not a victim,
*But a warrior.

As I lay on my bed,
I feel all my worries creep away
and disappear.

As I lay on my bed,
I close my eyes
and feel at ease.

As I lay on my bed,
I think of all the mistakes I've made,
the friendships I've lost,
the times I was wrong.

As I lay on my bed,
I realize that I am imperfectly perfect,
just the way I am.

I once knew a girl from Addison, Illinois.
She had extremely curly hair.
A bright smile.
And big brown eyes that twinkled from her happiness.
She was the chubbiest of babies.
Born at 8 pounds!

However, she grew up.
Her eyes stopped twinkling.
Her hair stopped curling as much.
Her smile faded.
She lost so much weight.
Underweight, she was.

Oh how I wish to see that same child.
Born in Addison.
8 pounds.
With sparkling eyes.

How I wish to see myself
as a young, healthy child.

It is now that I realized
how terrible of a friend you were.

You never brought me up.
You kept putting me down.

When you did make me feel better,
you would find a way to rip me apart.
Break me down.

You broke me to tiny pieces.
Similar to a glass cracking
and cracking
and cracking
until it's reached its limits.
Then it shatters.
Into one trillion pieces you can never glue together.

It has taken months
for me to realize.
You were no friend
only a dark glimpse of what I never will be.

You care only about yourself
and your boyfriend.
Not about others.
Not even about me,
your best friend.
You left me broken
torn apart
shredded
gone.

You ****** the life right out of me
and now I've been set free.
I've been enlightened.
I've been given a new day.
A new life.
A new light.
I've been given freedom again.

You will never harm me.
Why?
Because when you break me,
I come back 100 times stronger
baby.

Everyday is a nightmare
and every night is hell.

I've seen the happiness
slowly fade
from my face.

And I'm not sure how to be happy.

I long for winter.
For sweaters
and cozy blankets.
I long to be wrapped up in a blanket every morning
immersed in heat.
I long to cuddle up with a teddy bear
and watch movies
all night long.
I long to feel the crisp cold air sting my skin.
I long to see the earth, naked and bare.
I long to see the icicles form and the snow drop.
I long for hot cocoa
and hazelnuts.
I long for winter.

After all the pain
one heals.
One becomes free
from their inner demons.
One sees the greatest things in life
aren't always the biggest.
One understands
to get through the toughest of days,
one must heal.

I'm not sure
if we'll ever speak again.
Once, you were my best friend.

Now you're a stranger.
And it hurts.
More than you will ever know.

Your lips
so soft
pressed against mine
for what seemed ages.
Our lip-lock was special.
It was so natural
even
with
our
tongues.
I miss your smile.
I miss our goodnight kisses.
I miss the way you looked at me.
I miss you.
I miss my first kiss.

You see straight through my lies.
That's why you're my best friend.
And I love you.

Flowers
Sunlight
Picnic
Today was filled with utter happiness.

Somedays
I just want to stay in bed
all day long.
But then,
I make myself get up because
when I have travelled all around the world
and I have made a difference
and I have accomplished something,
then I will be content enough
to stay in bed
all day long.

If you don't want to hang out with me,
don't make plans with me.
If you don't like me,
don't talk to me.
If you really wanted to fix our crumbling friendship,
you would at least attempt to fix it.

As I walked with you
down the crowded halls,
I slowly realized how much
I will miss this year.
I will miss walking with you to every class.
I will miss getting comfort from you when I'm down.
I will miss laughing and joking around in class.
I will miss judging people together.
I will miss being best friends.

I'm so sorry I ruined it.
I will miss the way things used to be.

You've taken over me
Controlled me
I cannot fight you anymore
I'm losing
How do I know?
Because I'm hungry and I refuse to eat.

She screamed.
Yearning for someone to hear her.
Waiting for someone to save her.
Yet no one came.
No one heard her screams.
Because every time she screamed, it came out as a whisper.
No one was able to help her.
And she lay, hoping it was the last time she would stay
in this cruel world.

I step on the scale
Only to be disappointed
*again.

Birds chirping
The low rumble of cars passing by
The sound of trees swaying in the cool summer breeze
The feel of heat on my skin
No chaos or worries
Only calm.

What happened to you?
You were a caretaker and lover.
You were kind and gentle.
But ever since February 8th, you've become bitter.
One death.
Two deaths.
Three is more than enough.
I'm sorry for your loss, but you must move on.
The world's been moving but all you do is sit.
You wait and wait
As if death is coming for you too.
And I can't sit here and do nothing.
I have to help but all you do is push me away.
You tear me down.
You've become a monster.
All I do is watch you
Slowly fade away.

His smile.
His eyes.
His voice.
His presence.
Everything about him reels you in.
At first you say you won't fall in.
But the more you stare at him,
the more you talk to him,
the more you think about him,
The deeper you fall in love.
Deeper in you fall.

I toss you around and make you think.
I stress you out but I don't blink.
I'm not a person or a thing.
Who am I?

I may be complicated or simple.
I am hated and loved.
I am beautiful yet threatening.
Who am I?

One might define me as a journey.
I can last seconds or years.
Happiness and hurt come with me.
Who am I?

I am *life.

Dear voices inside my head,
those who tell me I am not pretty
those who say I am not worth it
those who state I am not skinny
to those voices, I bid thee farewell
for I am stronger.
I will not listen to you.
You will not control me.
*I am breaking free.

Eating you slowly,
you sit and stare into empty space.
You don't realize it,
but everyone walks out of your life
and loneliness walks in.
You embrace it.
You love it.
You can't seem to escape.
It slowly engulfs your bones and soul.
Creeping through your body,
it brainwashes you
and leads you to believe that you
are not worth it.
It greets you every night when everyone is asleep.
You sit in your room and say, "Hello".
"Hello, my dear." it says back.
And you live in isolation.
Seldom feeling happiness.
Dead inside.

Like a cataclysm, it hit her skin
Warm, drops filled her wrists
Bright red like fire
Stinging, *yet so indulgent