I woke up...
unsure...
slightly feared...
the only think keeping me going my faith...
and my new heart

Dude i have no clue
no ******* idea...
why i continue to fantasize about chue....
idk...
what is it...
like 8th grade...
you...
the memory
continues...
after these past 2 years i still fantasize about you
....and i cant picture you accepting me...
for who i am
i can't
....like
when i picture you
...like i have to be o some mila kunis, megan fox, kim k typa ****...
its like i have to be this trophy in order to keep attention
...its like i knew you liked me
....and it was an interesting attatchment ill say....
but...
i guess it wasnt meant to be
i was looking for a **** buddy back then
and so were you
we were 8th ******* graders
i was immature af....
i didnt know **** tbh...
i was an air head...
who only cared about boys, popularity, friends, and herself...
i was a ***** lowkey
i wanted to be on top...
of the world
...of that school
...of him lol
but i was on the inside
...insecure
but he made me...
he fooled me
..into thinking he was securing me
....like ****
i was a fool
and i was def crushin on em
but now....
its really embarassing to think about
like....****
***
was 8th...the ****
ya know
that whole shabang
was really messin up
and im done with that past
pretending...
insecurity..
attention..
like....
i am over that
you were real to at the time
i was insecure looking for someone to clench on to
keep me up
motivate me
....but you did the opposite
you were like a demon in disguise
...no offense
i mean at the time speaking
but i dont want to cringe...
when i see a pretty *** girl
i dont need to pretend to be "pretty"
nor what you want
nor be that *****
because im not
...im so much more
....like....****
im done living a life in the shadows
a hidden life
my life...is what is what it is
take it...
leave it
i dont care
you are gone
im never gonna see you ever again
but i mean im sorry we couldnt be friends
but the tide
the flows gotta flow
ive gotta go
take ****
and ill keep it in the toilet...lets say that

Girl
Do I appreciate all the gratitude
and comments i receive from others...
but i have a huge fear of becoming to rapped up in it
and latching on to that for home sake
but ya know there are people out there who love me, who can learn to accept me, and who just are ******* awesome and who ******* just do....
girl....
there's nothing that you have to do anymore
there are people out there for you
so don't go searching for stoners, "hipsters", or smilers
because you feel like you fit in with them
cuz you don't
your your own person
you revel in you're uniqueness
you fit in with your heart
and you'll find people just like that
not just weird clothes, all black wearers, who smoke ****, and ya know gypsy sorta people
....i mean you have a lot in common with them
but they do not define you
its not a group that you belong to
you can float in space peacefully
counting your stars
with your cats and photos of miley cyrus
you're fine...
and until you find people who can appreciate that...
you'll be fine...

So i just ya know browsed
and i got a little angry but...
**** the haters...
wannabe God's
but ya know i typed ******
and behold behold what popped up
like wow
got thinking
like a poem was like
they see my hoodie and assume da da da da da
..and whatever
and like in my daily life
i mean theres real ppl sure...
but
ppl see me
my skin, my beautiful ***** braided hair, and choose to see...
evil....
see a criminal..
just see the fear in their face...
its like im all they see in that hallway
like im bout to **** em or some ****
its reall weird
and i dont think anyone can get used to someone potraying them as a killer first sight...
its like either that..
or they just see bad...
they see a reason to pity
they wanna feel sorry for me and dont even know my story
...or if i even have a story
they see a criminal, a fool, *******, ugly chic, and a sob to feel sorry for..
ya know
and i think people just kinda stare...
they see me confident
...enjoying myself
..well pretending to
and they stare
oh yes
they stare
they try to...
but their drawn
like i actually did some wrong ****
and this the whole world im talkin about
everyone judging me
and putting me under one of those catergories
but you know some smile
"smile alright"
you know im not racist
i just feel the way i am is better
spare me your lame excuse girl
spare me
like ive seen it all
and its something that i used to hide
like i didnt see it
but i mean
those he cant handle
my boldness
can go **** themselves
cant handle my blackness
my "ghettoness"
my me'ness
then bye
its like yeah
this is me
life chooses not to go in my direction
simply because its a *****
and i mean life dont like perfect...
so what
..im still a rockstar
i got my rock moves
and i dont need you
..or is it help
but either
life is life
i lie..you lie
i **** up..you **** up
im scared ..your scared
you get it
life is full of many awkward situations...
and people
o the people
but life is so much more than that....
and everything else
...to me
its about exploring a world of wonder
and laughter
and flowers and rainbows
and smiles
and kisses
and love
and realness
its very real when you realise
...like literally in 2 seconds...
that i mean its not gonna be perfect ever
and your mind is built to try to picture the most perfectess crap ever
and it wants you to be happy
...thats all but
think....
allow yourself
to be in now...
not in anyone else's mind
but yours
because thats why its
your
im pointing at you
mind...

2014 had its nice moments
but was a total ***** to me
but i know it was out of love...
I went through heartbreak, anxiety, insecurity, the struggle to find myself,...i learned new things
about people
myself
and...
i just want to say thank you
thank you for being such a ***** because without this year...
i wouldn't of known what direction i stand in
what i need to look forward to
and most importantly...self strength
so thanks for being such a *****

I had a dream...
about idk
i was in a school
i felt so insecure with myself
i fed on the opinions of others
especially this one boy James
but i know that it wasn't from 8th grade
i felt so excited when i saw him
but i didn't talk to him
i just kinda flashed my myself around
you know my body, my ***, and what not...
but it really kinda just took e back to the person i was back then
and i woke up feeling disgusted not knowing why...
but i think i know why now
I feel like the dream was a message
that i can't be who i was before and the person that i'm going to be at the same time

it hits you
your life just kinda lightly hits you
...and then bam
it hits you hard but not hard enough to knock you out
...but after its done with you you wish you were
.....the room spins as words, moments, the past
whirl around with you
or more importantly whirl you around
...they control you
give you a mental anguish
its like your afraid of them
...your afraid of what will happen without these things
....you fear...
idk
your soul does tho....

Scrolling through hair...
Weaves, videos,.....
Beautiful and unique...
But why oh why do you continue to drain my energy...
Maybe because truly you are a waste of time...
Maybe truly I am wasting my time...
In my mind lies an ideal life...
As I try to make it come true...light bulbs die
And I feel dullness within my soul
.....do you know what it feels like to have a question mark all over your heart
Almost blocking all real feelings
I don't know what I want out of life
And I'm unsure if what I want is true
....that surely is my truth
And is that not okay?

My Moms a little *****....
all she does...
i mean stop
im not even in the mood for writing
like back the **** up off me ya little *****
go get some ******* friends
all u do is worry about me
on the school website 24 ******* 7
til you "saw" a 2 hour delay this morning
its like your my roomate
like an annoying *** buzing in my ear
i try to wasp you away
but its like your their
i dont feel comftorable even when i am
and im done with the unatural feelings
if its comftorable it is
...and if its not....
it isn....
ya know i dont even know why i stress...
like why...
why i even care
...like my feelings...
are my ******* feelings
....i do what i do....
i am who i am...
and its like?
like ya know....
like im in the shadows
but i have a big *** sparkly unicorn entertaining everyone
that either love it or hate
its like im fake as ****
but genuinly nice
but out of a sorta obligated way
like nice but ya know i dont wanna scare you off nice
or i dont want you to think im aggressive or anything nice
.....
you feel
its weird
my mind
...its like
whewwwwww
life tho.....

TODAY WAS FURKING GREAT
ITS FURKING AWESOME
LIFE IS FURKING AWESOME
AND I HAVE RIGHT NOW TO DO ****
RIGHT AT THIS ******* MOMENT
AND IM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT NOW
AND CHILL BECAUSE I'M LIVING FOR ME
like today i was chillin in my car and some lady just stared at me like full out stared, turned her whole *** back around too...
and my instinct was to show her how much i didn't give a **** about her
but you know what it's my life, people have no in on my life, they can't change who I am and i should'nt be afraid of that because if i really allow myself to love myself i'll be fine
like...
people don't even exist
it's only me and my life
whoever i let in is my buissness
whoever i don't then i'm sorry we couldnt chill
but life goes on
i can't continue to aspire to be proud of having boys google over me
or be ashamed when people laugh at me
or get embarrased or continue to get jealous over societal pretty girls
like yeah i'm different so the **** what
i'm done trying to prove it
so what i do what i do
it's my life isn't it
i only have this moment and the rest of my life to LIVE
my life is winding down
and i might have wasted 2 months of it...that i can't get back
like...
life is like a big old ice *** full of millions of people
melting little by little every second
beautiful but messy as ****
like were all beautiful, unique, different from each other
Africans, gays, lesbians, whites, native americans, like everybody we all shine equally
life is not a competition
....why does there need to be a high and a low
....lets ******* co exist like God intended
...i dont know about you guys but I'm done fighting myself against the world
the world has enough hate that i just don't want to be apart of and add on too so im out
I'd rather just chill in my own little world
with my people, new people who will come in and out...and maybe back in
...but my world is of love
...when someone calls me ugly...i say...ok and keep it movin
theres  no need to prove to them that i'm not what they think i am, or prove that i'm worthy
...not neccessary
...simply because it's my world
my life
no space, nor time, to be thinking about not giving a ****, about people, about life 24/7 like i think alot more about life thatn i actually live it and its ****** up
....i'm cutting all that uneeccesary thinking out, all that trash talk, all that rebellion against haters, no time to compete
no interest
...i value what i value
i love what i love
...i do what i do
you have your way i have mine
i define my own worth
i define my life
and simply i can choose
so **** U

James...
You made me feel amazing
....hint made
In the past
And present me loves to hold your hand
...loves to imagine a world with you once more
...you made me feel secure
...it's nothing you did bad...
But looking back I realize what love doesn't look like
...but what insecurity looks like
...more specifically my insecurity...
All I wanted to be was white
With silky hair
With little cute tendrils
I squeakified my voice to be "not black"
And dressed in a revealing way for you...
And you fell for everything I wasn't
...and to this day
You still reminisce throughout my mind
...you lerk
And you don't stink
You don't make me sad anymore
...you just make me feel good again in times of distress
...and I see you in every guy I see
And I fear love because of you
...I fear hurt
...and I see 8th grade again
...but you know what
Thank you
Thank you the past because I have an amazing
..new beginning
I can be born again
I can be the realist form of me...
Thank you

Idk this girl is just so amzing
she's my idol
Destiny hope Cyrus
******* awesome right
taught me how fun it is to be yourself
that it's ok to be different
to value something different
she showed me a whole 'nother world
a gift but also a curse
like i feel like im chasing myself along with the world
it feels like im alone but im not
weird huh

I asked you what you thought about my poem...and you said I loved the way you played with your words....
....as my heart froze....as my mind froze
Freeze...a frozen little paralysis as the mind was overjoyed to finally pour out to another soul...
First poetry reading ever and you say that....
Pity threw upon me...
As my heart became angry....
Soulless nights....crying....pain....michael...Zayn
The moment I've  been waiting for...
And allowed my happiness to form in someone else's hands....
I guess I am to blame...
As expectation calls my name...
Do I pick one or do I not....
So tempting man how do I stop...

As i scroll down my instagram feed in fear of becoming jealous
of one's body
or one's long luscious hair
or one's "societal" beauty
or just plain ******* awesomeness
I think to myself
like an old broken record player
the words continue playing in my head
your ******* beautiful
in my head
but not my heart
it's obviously not right down there
because jealousy, fear, and hate roams
come on girl get right i say
you'll get better another day
maybe not today maybe not tommorow
but take the risk...
you may feel envious today but who knows what more you'll learn about yourself and come to love...
who knows what the future holds...

James...
My past
Luke....
To popular crowd...
Insecurity
Sexuality...
Past coming for the ****
...but me allowing it in
...it's coming pretty hard and hella obvi
But I...
Who has been called a ****
And laughed along with the bully
....has allowed the world to eat her alive
And knows what she knows now
...that our world isn't so narrow and small
...that I have a way out
I refuse to return from whence I came
Today is a new day
Right now is a fresh moment
But is my mind ready...
Question I ask?
Most importantly...
Am I ready and do I want....
Cuz if the beholder doesn't feel or do
Thoughts and words are pointless

Some people see it as a wonderland
..at some point i did too...
i'm a pretty skinny girl with "the ideal" body
and of coarse that **** blew up in my head like crazy
I saw it as an escape from my world
that i was ashamed to live in
i'd whiten myself up...
bleaches, "white girl clothes", the voice...
all to fit in
but in reality
my body is nothing but my body
its my temple
and I don't value it any more than this society does
lumps of fat on my chest "give me my value"
and guys will do anything to get inside the ***
so society has you sittin here questioning..
is that all i should aspire to do...
to look cute, to be "pretty", to be strong but not too strong, to marry, to wear girly clothes, love pink, like....
*******...
my body is my temple
and it guards my heart my prized possession
the only thing keeping me alive physically and emotional in our world
yeah i might've been extremely insecure like 20 secs ago
but i might have muscular thighs, my **** may not be ideal according to you, or i may be perfect to you idk
but people nor society defines me
and my life is so much more than my body, than the clothes on my back, than the food on my table, than the worry...
my body is my temple
and it is beautiful
it is art
and perfect just as it is...
it's my art
my temple....

I crave peace
security....
and i get annoyed....
i feel not understood
...my mind is so ******* overwhelmed
...but projects not ****
its so mother *******
afraid of who knows ******* what
...i sit here like a ******* doll
with my Mom yelling in my ear
as insecurity
those annoying *** voices...
continue to say your nothing
your nothing because your not good enough
...for this person
he wont think your hot
your not good enough
....i think you should be more like this ****** up person
...all it does is degrade me
...tell me im nothing
.....tell me im something according to society
...then ******* deceit me
its like what am i...
who am i
what have i become
....what do i truly value
...who the **** am i
...im a wreck
a ******* train crash
dead...
and its like
i crave identity and security so much
im willing to find it in a matter of seconds
...its like i have no sense of patience in that field
its like ive been sad
...crying internally
totally hiding it
....insecure with myself
angry
...but in denial
completely in denial
about my entire existence
its like i dont want to admit to the person that i am
...my mind craves more
it doesnt crave real
its a ******* ***** i tell a ******* bith
a real pai in the ***
im tired of giving a **** about what others think about me
im tired of giving a **** about anything
im tired of being so annoyed and in denial about myself
its like i want to ******* scream
its like im trapped
trapped
and i feel obligated to stay trapped
..because im me
and because society and ppl
and like im not one to like to make others feel bad
....but like im so tired
its a ******* pain
making each and every day a task
...to mask the real me
and try and build this facade
impress evry ******* person i meet
...like its such a ******* task
every ******* day
for the past years
..its fustrating
i look at miley and demi and avril
then i look at me....
and i know that security and complete you...is possible
but its like...
who wants to sit sad
be ******* sad for a day, for weeks, for months
even years
like...
not me
im so tired and sick
and im done tryig to be what everyone else wants
....im done scrolling down my feed
and only seeing wrong
seeing wrong in me
and opportunities to change me
im tired of the negativity
and i refuse to live a day i jealousy, or in envy of some white, blonde *****
...i refuse
i refuse
...but also i fear
meaning i have no faith
my faith is in my mind
its coming out through my mouth
but its not their
its non existant
it wants to be their so ******* badly
but its not
its like i want to command my heart to believe
...but thats not possible
i cant command myself to die can i....
i mean.....

Ya know its really hard to love yourself when your mind...
is constantly alerting you of danger
...its like shut the **** up already
like i dont remember the last time i was at peace with myself
like really relaxed....
ya know
im never at rest
....im never fully in the moment
but then again i am
its like im constantly searching for that level of completion
whether it be growing more hair
impressing that boy
looking like kim k
like im constantly looking for that outside source to complete me
....but its like
im here
right at this moment
and afraid
but life is alive
it is very alive
and it waits for no one
it will shove fears in your face
be your best friend
its everything in one
its life
and im in it
and one day it'll be gone
then what.....
james wont matter
my reputation wont matter
...like right now
is not the turning point for me to get up as a new different person....
or wake up from the deceitful life ive been in
but just....
bleh just becoause life
like...
life is life
...its my life no matter what
and nobody....
people
not even Miley matters in it...
because its mine...
i get to choose what happens....what i do
life is life and my life is my life...
remember that....

All you do is talk
....just yappering in my ear
....you just assume
....assume
...do you even know me
...your own child
Mom I love you
can you accept me
as the soul i am
can anybody accept me as the soul i am
like God I love you
and your all I need
but....its a lonely trip on this earth
by yourself....
internally non blissent
almost non existent...
its like my life is Barbie
i live in this fake *** house
with my fake *** clothes
that i use to act a certain way
then...my fake *** Mom
is nice one moment
then you put her on the phone
...and she is literally the devil
...literally...
literally..
she just is so phony
her tone is different
shes bitter
and shes laughing about it
like its a ******* joke
like mom its me....
where is the love...
who are you...
are you even my Mom...
yes you gave birth to me...
but...
a Mother you are
but a Mom...
a Mom..
idk...
call me later and well talk...

My Mom...she's great...
ya know...
but i feel a draft
like an awkwardness...
like is it in my mind...
should i change...
should i act 5...
again...
what happened...
does she not accept me?
for me...
does she crave that little girl
who wore pink everyday...
got all A's
was perfect..
fit in
was girly as ****
does she crave it?
as sorrow pours from my heart...
a flood of tears shed internally
for the relaxed relationship we once had
...not something i faked
or something i tried to keep alive
...oh mother what happened
...is it me..
is it you
...is it life...
oh i....

So for a long time i've searched trough every rock of life
for some form of validation of my personla purpose
and i've been through the popular stage...
the slutty for boys stage...
the paris hilton wears pink everyday stage and puts herself above everyone stage...
than the misfit stage...
and oh this stage it stood out amongst the rest
i was so intersted in it
and it felt like i hit home
like i could do anything
and i mean i really like what these people stand for
Miley Cyrus, Kendall Jenner, stoners, lady gaga, gay people, different people
....and for a while i've felt like this is where i belong finally
like i belong with people who don't give a ****, and people who get me, and all black weird clothing wearers
with dyed hair, who listen to punk n gaga
like it felt right for a while but now it feels like all my other stages
it feels all wrong
like idk...
im trying to hard to fit in
and truth is
my place is in my heart
i belong to myself
with my own heart
i fit in with God and myself
and that's all i need
i fit in no where on this earth
for me....
im through needing validation
for my life....
i define my own life
the purpose may not be apparent at times but i now its there and its in my heart
and it's there for eternity
my worth, my loves, my everything
lies within my place....
my heart

Michael....mike mike mike
Is all I hear...
....I see a second chance with James in you
I feel as if I'm back in the 8th grade feeling cute and loved...
....but with that comes mass insecurity and overthinking
With that comes a hole in my heart
My soul
My mind
With that comes a missing identity
....everything I worse fear
But baby if it's meant to be it will be...
I refuse to allow fear to control me
I choose to let God
God?
Yes my lord my rock and my redeemer
...my love, my everything...
He is like my life
He holds my life
My destiny
My hope
My fate...
Yes God I trust in him
My Heavenly Father

Scrolling down my feed
Sees a pretty girl
....I'm not the hater type but
I think **** her ***....
Why can't I look like this low key
Then I think why do I crave this
The attention from others
From guys....
To know that your beautiful...
That you're worthy
It's like girls do whatever show you're *****, where a space suit, cover up, like whatever you do
You're worthy
You're worthy because of what you wear within your soul
Even if you're wearing no clothes
You wear confidence within your soul
And I salute that
Respect
No hate
Just a thought
An impulse....

ya know...
the thought is exciting yet trembling
its like 20 seconds ago i came to the realization of the reality of my go...
i'm going to a new high school in the middle of the school year...
i have high *** anxiety
the skool is 6 percent blacks in the whole high school
and i'm a hella *** different
like i have my own take of life, i'll stand out like the black dot on the white paper...
the thoughts just kinda making me anxious
....but i guess its fine
like im not gonna sit in here trynna force myself out of humanity...
but like im human
life happens
and experiences, and moments like this
****** up moments
that you dont ******* like...
strengthen you
i guess
but i'm not gonna do anything crazy
like search how not to give a ****
or look at a thousand miley pics to figure out how i can be like her...
although i will do that but i'll be me in the process
..i'll cry
i'll have mini heart attacks
i'll panic
i'll do whatever
but it will pass
and when it does i'll look back wondering why i ever worried
but i'm going by my message
...life may be a ***** sometimes
but its only a ***** to test you
its one of those *******
but it loves you and wants to strengthen you
with all you're wounds and crap
they'll seal up
and when you get stabbed there again it wont even hurt
sooooooo....
therefore
let life do life
and let the moment be the moment
if you needa cry
if your scared be scared
it'll pass
but just have faith
and never feel sorry for yourself
because you have God by your side!

I realized a lot of things today
Ying both yang
I experienced extreme anxiety
Talked to myself non ******* stop....
Mental anguish you know.....
Reminded myself I was human
And repeat
It's like a never ending cycle for me
It just repeats
It's like I can't allow myself to fly
Just do life
Endure it
Go through it
If there's a flame you know have the ***** to go through
Like there's something holding me back
It's like I avoid it
I tell myself some reasonable excuse to make it seem ok
But like I have no wounds
Just fear
I mean I have scratches but not wounds......
I never allow myself to just go out there
In the unknown and take that ***** on
This is not another sappy happy story...
It's a documentary from my heart....

It feels rather nice
relaxing
embracing every second of life
laughing
making fun
...it feels..nice
having worries
but putting them aside for life's sake
it feels nice
so blanking nice
;)

Up down, up down
round and round
zig zags
and a little bit of throw up
and you have life
it's fun
but it's also a *****
but what i've learned so far is...
be a bigger *****
look it in the face and say
i know the ******* that your gonna throw my way
but im invisible and im gonna kick your ***
and then do it

Sometimes life surprises you
you go from pink and sparkly
to black
from this girly girl
to a tomish boyish thing
you go from society
to individual
or atleast on your journey
you really don't know what will pop up next
what challenge
who you'll face
what you'll face
its scary but exciting at the same time
like...
you could become a millionaire tommorow
you could meet your fave celeb
you may finally find your answer to all your problems
like...
life is that roller coaster
that your so mutherfucking excited to ride
but them it starts up and your scared as hell and you dont know *** to expect from it
it may go down
mybe to the left
or upside down
like you don't ******* know
but once the twist is over
you relax and realize it was nothing after all
but in life we can't control a lot of things
like people
things just bound to happen to us
....life
but i'm practicing patience
positivity
and faith
because that is all.....

Having joined this website again for the...
like 15th time..
i finally feel like poetry is me
i don't feel like it's a way or excuse for me to rant on about my problems
when i write poetry...
i feel the thundering of thoughts just bolting up a storm in my mind
...its like im in a trauma state
its like once i'm writing it's almost impossible to stop
but joining this website...
has given me a little hope
a little...
like all my faith is in God but what i mean is
Im finally feeling like pieces are coming to me
that something belongs to me
and I feel somewhat complete
...ya know

You know
Today was my first day at my new high school
And it was pretty ****** up
And I don't want to sit here and try to rush myself into a confidence....
Bit it made me realize how much I hate myself
Or how insecure I really am
Or maybe just life idk
But I made me realize the real world we live in
That yea when you're truly being yourself doing you
Yes their will be nice people very few
But yo the ******* and the *** holes
******* over flow
It's crazy ****** up
I has to come home crying
Like the first class I walked in first of all was an all white class
And I could see the pity in teachers eyes
As the students crackled in the back
As they stared like I was an animal
Mentally puting on a facade
Like today was ***
It really was
I didn't go to lunch out of fear....
But like no words
.....it'd life life is flicked up you heard
This was a really ****** up moment for me
And I've never felt so much like ****....
In my life
.....it took me right back to middle school
With James
And all that
It reminded me of my fight for "confidence" for acceptance from *** holes
To stare at me and love me
Think I'm pretty, hot and whatever
But you know that didn't go so well
It made me even more insecure
But I'm opening my mind up
I'm not saying everything's gonna be perfect
......but I'm gonna focus on myself
.....my personal happiness

It feels peaceful...
different...
a little scary
but rather nice...
as my heart beats in unison with my bae Miley
I feel so broadened
so on going
i feel infinate
my mind is clear but my heart just keeps on expanding
I mean i still feel like anxious old
wanna not give a **** me
but i steppin up
and i feel the embrace
and i can't wait to see what's in store in my future:)

Hey guys
I come in my most real form
a little bit of me and a little bit of crap that haunted me in 2014
but i come in me
i'm still here...
i made it
maybe not safely
life aint safe
but i made it...and that's all that imma focus on
i made it through times i thought i couldn't
i.....made it
i got through it and i'm still here with faith higher than ever
i have moments of regret from like 20 secs ago
but i mean its done
its ****** up
but i'm over it
i have and have had my fair share of ****
...but the new year is approaching so
im dumpin the old **** out and reeling in the new ****
perhaps dog **** or cow **** this time
idk...

Theres just something about people
who can not give a **** that gives me chill's...
idk....
i recently watched videos on avril lavigne and like miley cyrus...
and like they dont a give a crap at all
...it's really intriguing
and i get kinda jealous
...because i wish i could be that way
life would be so much easier
just a tad bit more
i'd be a go getter
i'd be daring
and i feel like....that's who i want to be at the moment
but the moment wants me to stay right here
and kiss my life

I may not become famous
I may not be a model
or beautiful "according to society"
or" smart" according to society
but the amount of people that like me does not define me
my success does not define me
my beauty does not define me
the clothes i wear does not define me
the grades i make...does not define me
in this society...it feels a need to have a higher level to overlook everyone else and put them down
and this is the logic that it actually uses
that a man with a more money, with a big *** house, with designer clothes..
is better than the poor man, with barely anything...
what the hell is that?
the girl with long hair, whiter features, lighter skin...is better than the girl without those features...
because society says this is beautiful and this is what's not
i just laugh to myself...
i mean a group of people one day
their own perception...not proven facts
decided that you know im gonna favor white people and have them be on God's level
cuz i like their skin better, and their hair
so i'm going to put everyone else below them and treat them like ******* crap
.....this society is so sickening
our world is beautiful but society wow
go to hell really....

Sometimes...
I feel like i attract the wrong people
like i'm all wrong
like i ran a marathon but no one noticed
no one even cares....
idk sometimes.....

Opening up....old flowers to my heart
....am I right or am I not I don't know
...but I feel bridges will burn down once I accept the pathway
And slowly may they slowly disappear...
If not...ok I'll be fine

It's like
New York was and is this big *** ******* hole
And As I entered I saw no light
.....and I still see no light
I physically see no light
But the light is in the galaxies
It's in my destiny
You see
It's hell to me physically right now
And it's hard
...but right now the light is a simple bliss
It's within
And if I flourish it
And believe in it
...than maybe
Just maybe will that light come to life
And maybe will my tomorrow be a bit brighter
...mmmhhh

The now...
is not fake
its up front
even when its bad...
its pretty good
its like...***
its like...
so real...
its like you
in your realest form
if you think about it
like right now
as you breathe in the fresh fumes of life
the now
the precious present....
so beautiful
and take look around
at this very moment
and see progress
momentum
everything just quiet
...thats if you just cherish the now
like today at school
idk i got caught up in friends...people....friends
and i mean i lost myself...
but the now.....
man the now
how precious
if you just look around
....forget about tommorow
and yesterday
forget about **** to do
if you just focus on you...and the now
best friends for life....
then youll be satified
internally
and....eternally

To me my iPad is so ****** deadly...
The universe is deadly...Instagram is deadly...
I can't step one foot outside without worrying about man...
And most of all my thoughts are hella deadly...
So if the universe and I are deadly...
Where is does my salvation lie...
Where is the hope...
Deadly thoughts coming to life
I'm alive but feel dead
Nothing I do ever feels enough
...it's like I'm waiting for this grand moment of vitality...
But in reality it's not gonna come to me...
I've got to bring it to life...
Idk like when I go ino my mind...
I see poison...poisonous pills in one of those weekly pill cases
I see a lifetime of cases
Like....
The ****

In a world full of dos and donts
Full of judgemental *******
Like I'm a ******* unicorn and I'm beautiful kiss my ***
In a world that is constantly changing it's view of Beaty it's social standard
In a world where you feel an idiot for being different
For being you
For simply coming into the world as you are
No makeup, no weave, or whatever
Was your crime...
I don't get it
How cruel a society
And to brainwash it's own people
Into hating one another
Based on gender, hair, skin color, occupation...
How ******* rude
How preposterous
...like ***
I'm a beautiful young black girl
And again I'm beautiful
For a fact
According to society and half the world
...I'm not
I need to bleach, I can't talk "black", I'm a hood rat, I'm ugly...like **** that
I'm beautiful
Just as I am..
And there's nothing wrong with me
God makes no mistakes
This is me
I was born this way
And I'll die this way
What am I gonna make matter
Like all those trash talkers
Haters
Hate on you but don't give a **** about your ***
It's crazy why acknowledge the person anyway
Like our world is ****** up

midnight thoughts..
so l went to my aunts and watever
this movie was playin and just flashed me back to a special someone
and emotions were running all over the place
but it was all negative
like the good feelings started arising
then i remembered how he made me, truly feel...
aside from the whole **** facade i put on for him...
but like yeah he just kinda kept replaying in my mind
and its kind of ****** up
i dont like it
its taking me back to 8th grade
the feeling of obligation
of acceptance
....to be seen as cool
its like the angel and the devil on my shoulder
its ****** up
but its fine
its apart of the whole journey
its ****** up...but it'll get ******* better
...one day
i wont crave the attention anymore
or the acceptance
but its apart of it...
like im gettin there...

Real feeling I feel
But yet artificial
So terrifying
To be in the shallow end
As I wonder how to swim to the safer end
I tap my toe in the water
Aware of its existence
But I fear the plumage
The full body in th water
...I fear not being at comfort
I fear the middle
And it may take years...
To let go of the cement bar
But one little finger at a time I will
...the deep end is always scary
But compassion is greater than fear
So whatever I desire...
Whatever I believe...
Will be at my door knockin

The midnight sky glistens ever so beautifully
with stars ever so ******* bright
my lines come to life as i "rawen them up"
i say **** and i say ****
because life thats why
but this ******* universe
there's a ******* galaxy out there
maybe even more beyond our eyes
maybe a parallel universe
someone exactly like you...
maybe aliens
maybe a whole new species race...
you gotta believe in somethin...
that life is more
it's beyond

My soul imagines
a life
without fear
without worries
without....fear
a life full of adventure...
without....
a lot of things......

Well....
To waking up every morning to an artificial purpose...
Let's drink to that *****...
To crying over a guy that didn't value you...
Cheers *****...
To nights spent in agony of Failure...
Cheers....
To going to skool only for validation of friends...
Cheers...
To shying away from yours true self cheers...
Like cheers cheers and cheers...
This is and was my life..
But this time lets make a new cheers...
A cheers to 2015...year of new
Year of York

hearts beating
in unison
as the world spins round and round
same heart but different soul
as we come together in a giant melting ***
different backrounds, different paths, different perspectives...
we are more united then we think
but the real beauty is when...
not only one color is revealed
but when you are able to appreciate the rainbow
the abstract things in life
...thats when youv'e discovered true beauty
thats when you know

Within my tiny innocent eye...
Lies a sea of wonder...Of a little desert. Water. And spirit
It captures a story with every piercing glance
...and every photo holds an emotion
...emotions in which the brain is ashamed of...
Crazy how much someone...events can traumatized and enslave the brain and almost the heart...
Crazy...
But my heart yearns as I stand the grounds of New York
....it yearns for truth
....with every breath it yearns out to me
It cries I hear it...
I finally hear it
...and that is truly a miracle
....I see angels in my path
I mentally see them
I know in my heart...for it tells me
But mind will you let me...
...you know what ***** you...
I want this and it's possible...
I'm going to get it.

What may my purpose be...
As a fifteen year old girl I'm lost honestly...
...I mean the world seems so clear to me now
And I feel myself getting pulled in
But confused on a direction...
Should I follow this man. Or this route...where in carnation do I go
Who do I trust...
Do I listen to the girl calling me a ******.
Do I  listen to my Mom telling me to make friends...
Do I listen to them...
How do I truly let go and trust God...
Lost I feel.
Lost in my own emotions.
...one step at a time my child
One task a a time
God takes care of all...
He looks after all...
Under one condition...faith
Faith in him and in your task...
Believe...
And conquer..
Go for it child life only comes one time around.

I'm the only person who can give a **** about myself
Nobody cares about me to that extent
In the real world....nobody kisses you're ***
Nobody
In the real world people will hate me....they will laugh at me....and me trying to show them that I'm either better than them or badder
....does nothing.....
Simple fact is....this ****** up world is ****** up
Full of people who believe that you need to be a certain way....
Sit with you're legs crossed, listen to this if you're like black or something....
Well guess what world
I am black....a female
I listen to rock, heavy metal anything I want cuz it's my life
And guess what....you don't matter...your ****** up opinions don't matter
And me thinking about who's laughing at me or staring makes me really angry and sad....
So I'm done...
Focusing on the haters
Because haters are gonna hate
They won't admit it
But these haters are so insecure with themselves or maybe not
But they're jake I ***** that put others down ....
For whatever reason
Because they believe they're better.....
How ****** up is that....
How ****** up is that....
To live in a world where that's ok.....
Like I will make sure....
That I make my mess my message...
And fight for my freedom and inspire others to too...
To not join the crowd because a jack *** is laughing at cha...
Because he's calling you names....I want you to flick that ***** off
Flick his *** off and walk away showing him you're beautiful ***
And go back to doin you...
Because even haters aren't worried about cha...
Their just miserable and mean
Don't give in
You're better than that....
You have a life to live....
You're life...
You're beautiful life....
Notice I said you're life....not theres...
They can't tell you ****
Remember that
Keep it in you're heart
And never let the world make you angry....
.........but I'm already angry and have no idea what to do.....

Do you ever just feel so angry at the world
have you felt so alone
...that everyone was out to get you
that you had no place
and every ******* little thing erked you off
have you just walked down the street and have ab billion people stare at you like a monster like youv'e done them wrong...
and then you started to believe them..
began to transform yourself into miss confident but still comforming to look normal so people don't look at you like your "out of place"
it's like i have all this knowledge on confidence, on embracement, on individuality
and i don't know what the hell i'm missing
like i dont want to spend my life in the shadows of others
i want to be able to live
L I V E
like right know im breathing...
but im not alive
barely atleast
everyday i wake up
the first thing i think about is my ****** day that always awaits
my problems with anxiety
and i constantly tell myself all this crap on why i'm important and blah blah blah
the same exact crap every single ******* day
it's like i'm sick and tired of this crap
this life
i hate it right now
i hate being judged and hated for doing nothing to anyone but be nice
I'm sick and tired for being judged for who i am
i'm sick and tired of caring but i just can't
i can't
its easy to say it to yourself inside of your home
but once you step foot outside all bets are off...
but right now my only hope is faith
and i know that God will come through for me
but I can't take this crap any longer
and i'm looking for an overnight transformation
but God you have my word
I know that you love me, and you want me to learn from my experiences and mistakes to shape me to who i'm supposed to be...
and i'm holding your hand for comfort
i may not be the girl that i want to be today
but as long as i'm alive there's hope