Is the mirror the enemy
...or am I
As I walk down the street
...and view a world full of eyes glued to me
...I feel every energy
I feel the haters and the lovers
...and I get lost in my emotions
Like *** she's totally staring at me cuz I'm black...
*** he thinks I'm a criminal...*** did I do to the poor old lady
...*** does he think I'm hot or something
Thoughts like this repeat itself
...hopeless I feel
I look for a door or even a ******* hole
But all I see are people staring...laughing...giggling...smirking
I see people in fear of me
...I see the bag clenching, the doors lock...I feel it
And it hurts so much to see an innocent old lady take me to be a criminal for my nothing but my skin...my ******* race
...

Do you ever just feel so angry at the world
have you felt so alone
...that everyone was out to get you
that you had no place
and every ******* little thing erked you off
have you just walked down the street and have ab billion people stare at you like a monster like youv'e done them wrong...
and then you started to believe them..
began to transform yourself into miss confident but still comforming to look normal so people don't look at you like your "out of place"
it's like i have all this knowledge on confidence, on embracement, on individuality
and i don't know what the hell i'm missing
like i dont want to spend my life in the shadows of others
i want to be able to live
L I V E
like right know im breathing...
but im not alive
barely atleast
everyday i wake up
the first thing i think about is my ****** day that always awaits
my problems with anxiety
and i constantly tell myself all this crap on why i'm important and blah blah blah
the same exact crap every single ******* day
it's like i'm sick and tired of this crap
this life
i hate it right now
i hate being judged and hated for doing nothing to anyone but be nice
I'm sick and tired for being judged for who i am
i'm sick and tired of caring but i just can't
i can't
its easy to say it to yourself inside of your home
but once you step foot outside all bets are off...
but right now my only hope is faith
and i know that God will come through for me
but I can't take this crap any longer
and i'm looking for an overnight transformation
but God you have my word
I know that you love me, and you want me to learn from my experiences and mistakes to shape me to who i'm supposed to be...
and i'm holding your hand for comfort
i may not be the girl that i want to be today
but as long as i'm alive there's hope

Body
A single glance I'm my rummy Tum Tum
Kills me
Idk if it's me being disgusted with my flaky, dull, black skin
Or am I ashamed of my entire existence
When I look in the mirror
I try to keep a serious mind
But truth is....you see what you see
And I see.....
Truth is I do see beauty
I see half societal Beauty and I see a scared girl
....when I look in the mirror I look scared af
And I don't like to look scared or weak
Especially to the white man or anyone else
It's like I fear
...my whole life
I fear that I may never truly find my happiness
I fear not being good enough for myself
And I fear that my story will never change
And I'm growing weary of myself
It's like I wake up
And it's like I live the same day over and over
I feel the same way
I see my dry flaky skin, my flaws
...and I pretend not to cringe
I pretend...
And that's my problem
I crave poetry...I just want to vent and write ******* entries
But apart of me is pulling me away
...you see my poems
Are my story
Their not beautiful to me
Their not abstract
It's the same story being told
And I've felt this way for a long *** time
And I'm done
I'm done hating myself

Personal struggle
Like girl I ask....
Do you ever get tired?
Like.....
Internally anguished
******* tired
...and physically impaired
...because home girls mind is telling her
...no that's ghetto
Or you have to be cool
.....like do you ever get tired
....of pretending to be this fierce chic
.....but underneath your just so insecure
And your crying for help
But you don't want anyone to know
...you starve yourself
...**** your stomach in
....when you look in the mirror...
All you see is ugly and you know it
.....you see crusty toes
And how no guy will like you
Or you see another opportunity to reel a ***** in
Ya know are you tired
...of the run
Are you not exhausted
..ok I spelled that right
...but really
You've been running for a couple years now
...chasing happiness
...chasing temporary things
...looking in the same places
...the past
For happiness
I mean...
Come on now
That happiness was lost
It's gone
That's why your not happy
Your listening to the negative voices in your head
And your listening to your head
.....all it does is gather information from the outside
It doesn't compare to your heart
...now your heart believes it knows the truth
...but your head will tell you **** until you believe it
......it will tell you....
So girl...
You've chased it...
Now have faith
What do you have to lose
Your already unhappy
The one thing you shouldn't be on this earth
...the one thing you are supposed to love for was taken away
....believe
.....don't ramble
Don't think
Don't talk
Don't look
Don't move
....******* believe
...and then....
My friend....

Gross ******* I am
I do ****** hand stands
By myself
I have like 0 real friends
...no best frands
I'm extremely socially awk
I'm weird according to society
And I've yet to accept it
I hide in the past for comfort
Who am I?

Right now the only thing I crave is silence...
As I hold my breath trying to allow thoughts to die ....
As they refuse and worsen...
As they force me to become...
It hurts so much to not know of yourself...it's like a million knives jabbing at you as you watch happy people
...confident people, people in love...
Then your mind has the nerve to come back and say ya know what be grateful or some crap
...it's like **** the mind
You tell me I'm worthless and then you try to butter me up
I don't even remember who I was before I was told who to be...
....as tears stream down my heart

I was scared unprepared...
....a glance back took me back to neverland.
That same glance burned a pathway in my soul.
Stairway to heaven I may say...

Isolation...
I desert myself
On this deadly as pirate place...
It's grimy...as I continue to drink not champagne but poison
...but this place so familiar...
That it seems impossible to let go
It's so **** comfortable
I know every ally
Every up and every down
....and I refuse to
But then again do I have a choice...
Between life and death
....physically yea
Spiritually...still a yes
....but difficulty
Challenges
Are there to be challenged
Fear may block the passage sometimes...
But my God goes through the tunnel with me...
He is my light and my salvation
...I may be lost between life and comfort
But...
I honestly still don't know

My I remember running infinitely in the distance...as time runs it's course
...trying to pace myself...trying my hardest to remain in my own Lane
....but simply remaining
....as I feel as if my heart has stopped
As I slow down to walk at the speed of another soul...
I stop because I notice eyes pryed to mine...
....blue eyes you see
Blonde hair ***...
Distraction distraction as I nearly get run over by a car....
.....
Or maybe I actually did as it simply passed over my mind when my eyes saw yours...
....right now
In the present moment
....I barely walk
But I limp...uncertain
Scared to death
Struggling to accept...alot of things
Like the fact that I can't control tommorow or who I am in this life....
Or people....
As I live in an alternate hell through my dreams....
Simply no words....
Simple.clean.and scary
....the mind searches for words
Something.anything
Algun...in return nunca
...I see you glued to my brain....by my very own Elmer's glue
....toxic the glue not
But my very own thoughts....as I grab at them for valid reasoning
Oh Jesus please....please not again
....but fate has it's own way of playing out....
....Jesus be with me as I face my fate face to face...

I walk through the halls with awaiting thirst souls...
...I too a thirsty soul quenching on the blood of man kind
The disgusting drips of society
As I **** it...in the moment so sweet...so ******* tender
....then I feel the raft...aftershock spreads
What have I done I ask...
And God says nothing...
You are man..imperfectly perfect...
You are valuable in my eyes remember that...
I reply with silence...

Rage in the midst of the fire...
Hear I wriggle and squirm in the middle of the sea...
You know what **** this....
I'm so tired of writing what I feel like I should
Or writing because I feel like it's my thing or because I have to..
Writing just may not be for me
I may just be a blog person...
Or maybe not a writer at all and that's mutherfucking okay..
That is ******* fine....

...in every stroke of my box braids
I see an equivalent stroke of blonde hair
....blonde ******* hair
I'm in so much pain...
God where are you....
I need you...
I'm tired of lying to myself....repeating empty words
...I'm tired of these memories

I'm the only person who can give a **** about myself
Nobody cares about me to that extent
In the real world....nobody kisses you're ***
Nobody
In the real world people will hate me....they will laugh at me....and me trying to show them that I'm either better than them or badder
....does nothing.....
Simple fact is....this ****** up world is ****** up
Full of people who believe that you need to be a certain way....
Sit with you're legs crossed, listen to this if you're like black or something....
Well guess what world
I am black....a female
I listen to rock, heavy metal anything I want cuz it's my life
And guess what....you don't matter...your ****** up opinions don't matter
And me thinking about who's laughing at me or staring makes me really angry and sad....
So I'm done...
Focusing on the haters
Because haters are gonna hate
They won't admit it
But these haters are so insecure with themselves or maybe not
But they're jake I ***** that put others down ....
For whatever reason
Because they believe they're better.....
How ****** up is that....
How ****** up is that....
To live in a world where that's ok.....
Like I will make sure....
That I make my mess my message...
And fight for my freedom and inspire others to too...
To not join the crowd because a jack *** is laughing at cha...
Because he's calling you names....I want you to flick that ***** off
Flick his *** off and walk away showing him you're beautiful ***
And go back to doin you...
Because even haters aren't worried about cha...
Their just miserable and mean
Don't give in
You're better than that....
You have a life to live....
You're life...
You're beautiful life....
Notice I said you're life....not theres...
They can't tell you ****
Remember that
Keep it in you're heart
And never let the world make you angry....
.........but I'm already angry and have no idea what to do.....

Eyes glued to a computer screen...that is right in front of me
...eyes i control you...where are you planning on taking me
to a place of misery
....an eye squinted obviously means heavy judgement right
but only in my thoughts
as my eyes projected this thought
.....
water down the glue...and free yourself
...let your eyes project...freely
as a true camera lens would
....an artist lowers to meet with this lens...
and in this moment the power lies with the artist...
as the artist decides what will be seen and captures it...
thing is one cannot control what is seen...only what he or she chooses to see
...

You mellow
Soft
Plush
Sweet little kitty
Innocent before you entered society
When you entered middle school and realized the world wasn't all puppies...mad smiles
Soft kitty
Look at your past
Yes you were drained into a whole new persona
And you were forced to see your life differently
You've always been the outcast
No matter how hard you tried to fit in
You struggled as people spit on you
**** on you
As you...slowly believed it
Then all at once
....but soft kitt I feel it
This year...this month...this week...this day....
Is redemption time
You know your past
What you've been through
Bullying, insecurity, anxiety, shyness...
The past is over
The present is infinite
Life is a mystery
Follow your bliss...

I stand
I'm here
I'm focused
I'm in food faith
I'm everything I wasn't yesterday
Right now is a new moment
Today is a new day
New breath
Come join me
In your differences....
Plus my uniqueness
And well coexist
And were gonna be okay with that
....and I'll write my poetry
Breathe deeply
And change the world...
Change my destiny
Because it starts with one...
It's starts from within
A soul
The soul of the beholder

I know ive been in new york for like 6 days
...but
this weird feeling
is like a fresh
sorta good
sorta bad
sorta ****** up
sorta not
sorta new
sorta really sorta weird
hella weird at that
its like a thirsty
....its like i expect something different
its like weird...
its fake
its pretty *** phony
its like
school...
its like life
its like my "new friends"...
i guess
its like idk....
writing this with a puzzled look like where do i even begin...

I don't need to undersexualize myself to be considered a non ****
I don't need it
.....nor do I need to do anything for a mans ****** attention
If you want me
Turn my heart on
Accept me for what I do
What I wear
But don't be there for ***
Or to trophy me to your friends
It seems like genuine guys are a hard find
Like you really have to go through the whole friend thing if you want a good guy
Who's gonna like you for you
Not for having the fattest ***
Or the prettiest society face
Like me for me that's all...
I am not defined by my body
Nor what I put on my temple
I am defined by my soul
That's it....

I am 15 ******* years old
...like it or not
I am
Im a black african american female
parents from liberia and sierra leone
I love my culture the food it's all great
I listen to punk, soulful, chill really hipster music but im not
people expect me to be this rap poppin, head bobbin, "ghetto" and its like you can't win with anyone
you'll never be good enough or feel good enough if you try to impress the world...
or if you spend life looking for validation outside of your heart
I learned that the hard way
and am still learning
but today a man looked at me
it seemed like he was checking me out...
and I didnt know how to feel about that
like he was cute...but i was 15 and with my Mom
i guess i felt sorta inferior
like i lost a part of me
because i was insecure
and i feared him like asking for my number or some ****
but you know what...
I am 15 world...
sorry men out their 18 year olds
im not legal
but i drink i do all that crap
what a young person does duh...
but like why should i be ashamed?
I am who i am
like i have years til i'm an adult
why not cherish my young years
and spend it with people who can fully accept me fully
...i'd rather do that than feel like i'm hiding something
or feel like my friends don't get me
its really ******* uncomftorable
like i know perfect friends don't exist but my friends should accept me, get me, and bring out the best in me
not bring me down, laugh at me behind my back, and crap like that
but i mean bottom line I'm me
and i'm awesome
so **** my *** world
**** it real good
till the brown stuff come out
...yeah

Ya know
Life goes on
Ppl change
They come
...they go
Many ppl won't even give a ****....
Simply because it's not there life....
Like....
Who am I living for besides my self
Like yeah I'll meet ppl
Make friends
But it doesn't matter at all
What I do
...or how I do it
...like **** all you hoes
....*******
....who cares if I write **** **** **** all over my twitter
...like I'm who cares
And only me
....everyone wants to be accepted and cool
...like **** them
..they don't care if I'm gay, or black, or weird
....they just want to fit in with society so ******* badly
...like bye
....

Real is when you can admit that you dont smoke?
that you can admit your faults
...your flaws
with your heart
not your mind
...its the now
its pure
its better than *** ill tell you that
its so freeing
better than rainbows
but maybe not unicorns
...and glitter
but its a hell a lot better than going around faking a persona, being all big and bad for people who arent gonna matter truth....*******
snobs
maybe some some nice people
....but being real is focusing on you
on the now
and doing what you love now
if your afraid its not real
not real at all
however you want to interpret that...fine
but life...
i tell ya
is real
but at the same time not
its full of this ideal....picture
and everyone is adapted to think that this is what its about
that we gotta beat em...we gotta be better
to have worth
....and this is phony
its fake
.....
first of all
friends...they come, they go...gone
****
new ones appear
....same **** happens
come gone, maybe back, maybe forever
but they come and they go
but what stays forever is your soul
...you are not the people you **** with
the words you say
the age you are
the money you got
the clothes you wear
your house
your "race"
your whatever
.....you are not that
you are your soul
and you are different from the ***** next to you....
either your friend or your not so friend...
but you guys werent made to be the same
different souls
different souls
....and your friend
you probably wont see her
or associate in 2 years or more in your case
but...people come and go
...so put all your focus
...in bettering yourself
..for your sake
and the people you love...will love you regardless...
i mean if they truly do they'll accept you
so put all your energy
into living your definition
of the most perfect life ever
if it feels extremely weird
then stop everything your doing weird
...if you really wanna do this
..i dare you to just go for it
youlll thank yourself on your death bed
.....cuz life is not forever
and right now
i am 15...
ive never smoked
i have drank...not gonna lie
but.....i have a whole life ahead of me
to be whatever in the moment
soooooo.....
who cares if i lie about smoking ***
and hating it
who cares....
my life
my soul
is inevitable
and is mine
and i treasure it
as much as my hair...
and that my friends is very real for a young black chic in a world like this....

Validation is feeling the purpose in your life...
When I see someone smile at me...it's like a weight has been lifted
I feel uplifted...
When man sees desire in me....I see desire in me
...and this validation becomes my one motivation
....tbh there's nothing like validation...nothing
It's instantly uplifting...
I mean to know or feel like people care...to feel worthy
....and to accept the deception in your eyes to feel the warmth of being accepted
....my does validation **** ones soul....

One thing I sort of learned...
is that people will accept you for your weird crap
you don't have to learn to survive on your own
and force yourself to be alone for "survival"
life's crazy
especially so am I
and I'm slowly coming to myself everyday
I'm facing obstacles that scare me
like running in public or something
and I'm learning how to embrace every part of me
...you hear that
I'm LEARNING
meaning i'm subjecting myself for change
this time i'm open and i'm not forcing myself
i'm just sitting in my relaxing wooden boat
floatin through life, the rocks, the waterfalls, the beautiful caves, the creatures....
I am aware of our broken world
but in a way
it being broken
things being broken allows for growth
for strength
and without obstacles and crap that i've stepped in...
I would've never came to the realization of where I stand
I would still be that girl living for the world but miserable inside
or idk other way around
but like I said i'm a soul
with traits that some people classify as weird
I just classify them as me
and I'm working on the embracement day to day
not mentally but "heartly" emotionally lol
but yeah i'm a human being with my fair share of **** like everyone else in this world
i'm slowly finding out the things that make me happy
the things that **** me off
and ya know...things
but i'm a soul...
and i gotta give it to myself

I love fashion..well sorta
and i kinda like shopping
but i feel like i use it as an escape
more of an impulse
ad a rage that goes through my mind...
i guess the idea of just buying something that'll make you happy
..that i can't control myself
its like a warzone for me
like when i think of the mall
im thinking i hope no one took that cute sweater i wanted...
or i hope there arent that many people so i can have everything i want...
it's weird
in this country..
i guess the same effect goes with money for many people
and what i have to say
...to myself
and you out there
....money cannot be eaten
it's not that important
God can provide all you're happiness, all youre necessities...
so stress not of tommorow
or fear not of not being happy
...because it's down the road
..and little by little
the sunshine will start coming in through youre shattered glass
and then you will start seeing the beauty again
the purpose...
just wait....

...Opens up pacsun
last time I OPENED this up...man
...
i was drooling to have every single item on the page...
...I remember as greed and envy would sweep over my face
...I remember wanting the clothes to be seen
...I hear Aunty Toopee saying live a little in the backround...
live......a little
...and hurt myself while i'm at it....
....
maybe she really meant stop the worry and go run in the sun....
....maybe this lesson is...
letting go....letting life flow
....
maybe i closed my heart and only left my mind open to fashion...
open to absorb what everyone else is saying...
what everyone else is passionate about
...i don't think there was anytime in my life where i ever expressed myself through fashion...
honestly....
...fashion to me has been very compulsive...
its trendy and it's scary...
its everyone else but myself...
...i completely ran away from the fabric....
because so much has happened because of it....
now my Moms telling me im gross because i wear the same flannel...
Mom i'm sorry but im just comftorable..
and maybe that's bad...
that i go into a store and feel uncontrolled once I break the glass...
...and maybe i was meant to taste glass everytime I walked into a store
or opened up a magazine
or walked into a building of girls all carrying a louis tote....as your mama begged to get you a Michael Kors...
...and I said no
...clothes hurt
because it is the part of you where everyone sees...
....scariest part is not really what they see
its you....