New York...is a new life that seems so precious
....so much etch
Yes some sketch but...so much etch
As my heart is leaded into deception....but also redemption
This journey is far from perfect...
Lesson number one...
Number two I have personal issues...flaws
And that's okay
God still loves and cares for me....
He is my refuge and my strength....
My redeemer through all of life's difficulties
...he is there

Ya know maybe poetry keeps me grounded or maybe not
...maybe I love rock n roll or maybe I don't....
Did I ever really like James?.....
Am I ashamed of who I am....
Am I doing life right?....
Is my past really haunting me or am I haunting it...
Does James ever think about lil ole me?....
Maybe he does or doesn't...
And am I wasting my life or are all these experiences worth it....
Questions.....
Nothing I haven't thought about before...
I mean am I wrong...
Am I wrong in my style...
In my swagger of writing?...
What are the truths of life and if I know them why is it so friggin hard to just do this ****...
Then life responds the sun, the stars, and the moon are gorgeous....
But are they truly perfect...
Are you choosing to see them as beauty...I mean everyone has an opinion right...
I mean the moon practically has a face full of acne and critters...but it's pretty popular around here...and we see it as beautiful
....so what's changed about life...about people
Perception is key..and you can choose
But I say embrace...because your eyes are you windows to this universe and to happiness

Totally girlfriend...
My life is nothing but a spin...
A freskin whirl wind...
With a wind try na break down my fricken bricks g....
I mean and it truly has...
My wall is not perfect...
It's got holes and tough edges...and for a while I have and ma in denial of my marks
,my scars....
But without those mistakes...where is there room to truly grow...
You see each and every wound is a piece of me being destroyed...
But it is a wound right...it heals
...and Imperfctness is perfect
Because my Lord still loves me and doesn't expect that of me or any of us
...therefore I will accept my holes n flaws

Right now the only thing I crave is silence...
As I hold my breath trying to allow thoughts to die ....
As they refuse and worsen...
As they force me to become...
It hurts so much to not know of yourself...it's like a million knives jabbing at you as you watch happy people
...confident people, people in love...
Then your mind has the nerve to come back and say ya know what be grateful or some crap
...it's like **** the mind
You tell me I'm worthless and then you try to butter me up
I don't even remember who I was before I was told who to be...
....as tears stream down my heart

Who am I....
What is my definition...
Is my life a whole entire lie?
Are my decisions based off of insecure me?
Do I have a soul
Am I even real...
Am I alive like ****...
I don't know...
And that's okay...
I crave love...
And I don't know how that can be when I don't even know my own self...
James...once you were sweet now....your simply James
...your not an ex...your a thought
...he's no longer a feeling he's more of the Grimm reaper...
He is the dead past of me...but somehow I'm connected to that past and my whole life thrives upon it
...and I don't want to let go and I don't know if I'll ever tbh
...I don't love him...we didn't love each other...I just loved the way he made me feel
...he was the energy motivating me throughout my day
He was my security because I has none...
I hated myself...I just wanted to be someone else
...I remember watching all these I hate being black vids, bleaching skin, growing long hair...
I mean looking back now I wonder how I even dealt....how I faked my smiles
...and I don't know
And that's fine
All I know of is...right now
I'm confused with life
And I still don't ******* know...

Well....
To waking up every morning to an artificial purpose...
Let's drink to that *****...
To crying over a guy that didn't value you...
Cheers *****...
To nights spent in agony of Failure...
Cheers....
To going to skool only for validation of friends...
Cheers...
To shying away from yours true self cheers...
Like cheers cheers and cheers...
This is and was my life..
But this time lets make a new cheers...
A cheers to 2015...year of new
Year of York

Miss thang learnin how to ****** breathe again
...ya feels ma vibes
I'm hitting up wit dat yoga ****
I don't gotta ***** but I realized that ***** don't bring da sunshine....
That clothes don't bring it
Nor do events n **** like whatevs to life right now
Like I'm infinit...I'm not who I think I am
I'm not who I was yesterday...
Oooh I'm not this one show monkey
I'm poly
I'm a poly
As are you
I'm not this rocker chic who loves miley
...but I am on this journey in digging deep into my soul and allowing the beams to radiate...
Putting down any expectation i have in this whole life thang n breathing...
I'm finally going to live in vitality...
And that's pretty exciting to know of a day where I'm not searching my past 24/7
That I can just breathe, sit back and enjoy my life....
Hint my...
What a dream
To not have a care in the world
But to have all of my cares in the world
And to put those before me...