Validation is feeling the purpose in your life...
When I see someone smile at me...it's like a weight has been lifted
I feel uplifted...
When man sees desire in me....I see desire in me
...and this validation becomes my one motivation
....tbh there's nothing like validation...nothing
It's instantly uplifting...
I mean to know or feel like people care...to feel worthy
....and to accept the deception in your eyes to feel the warmth of being accepted
....my does validation **** ones soul....

To me my iPad is so ****** deadly...
The universe is deadly...Instagram is deadly...
I can't step one foot outside without worrying about man...
And most of all my thoughts are hella deadly...
So if the universe and I are deadly...
Where is does my salvation lie...
Where is the hope...
Deadly thoughts coming to life
I'm alive but feel dead
Nothing I do ever feels enough
...it's like I'm waiting for this grand moment of vitality...
But in reality it's not gonna come to me...
I've got to bring it to life...
Idk like when I go ino my mind...
I see poison...poisonous pills in one of those weekly pill cases
I see a lifetime of cases
Like....
The ****

Pecking away at the tree...
My tree of life...
As I peck n peck away to get the food...
My energy
My personal energy...
In why I'm powerful...unstoppable
It's like on some real superhero ****
But not having that food...man
I go so hungry and have no option but to feed off of the tree of others
The tree of dangerous thoughts
Of the past
Of friends...
Of fam
...not having energy of your own
Is like living a life based on the man next door

Is the mirror the enemy
...or am I
As I walk down the street
...and view a world full of eyes glued to me
...I feel every energy
I feel the haters and the lovers
...and I get lost in my emotions
Like *** she's totally staring at me cuz I'm black...
*** he thinks I'm a criminal...*** did I do to the poor old lady
...*** does he think I'm hot or something
Thoughts like this repeat itself
...hopeless I feel
I look for a door or even a ******* hole
But all I see are people staring...laughing...giggling...smirking
I see people in fear of me
...I see the bag clenching, the doors lock...I feel it
And it hurts so much to see an innocent old lady take me to be a criminal for my nothing but my skin...my ******* race
...

Real feeling I feel
But yet artificial
So terrifying
To be in the shallow end
As I wonder how to swim to the safer end
I tap my toe in the water
Aware of its existence
But I fear the plumage
The full body in th water
...I fear not being at comfort
I fear the middle
And it may take years...
To let go of the cement bar
But one little finger at a time I will
...the deep end is always scary
But compassion is greater than fear
So whatever I desire...
Whatever I believe...
Will be at my door knockin

Instagram...
Twitter...
Are ******* shark tanks for me...
In my mind their deadly
I fear songs, pictures, and this world
I fear getting eaten up
And beaten up until the point where I become one of the sharks
As I type in my username
...I stare into space for like 10 seconds and wonder do I want to swim with the sharks today...
A part of me is like **** it just do it...
Then another me is terrified and wants to chicken out
But I guess I'm waiting for that in between phase...
Where I can accept trouble and jump in
...but now I've realized that simply taking a simple breath and a baby step
Is one step toward a whole you
A complete you
...so the deep end will be scary...
For how long idk...
What will you face?....no ******* clue
But I've learned that in your personal pursuit you have to go beyond yourself...
And maybe one day you'll see the beams of your radiation

This breath is to my past
...I'm inhaling but not exhaling
Or should I exhale to release the hurt?
Or do I just **** it all together and forget about it...
Like I see so much hate and fire..
It's so unpleasant to look at my own reflection and to only see Beaty because someone else does
...and vise versa
I envision a life where freedom can take my hand
Where I'm not afraid
A freebeing just in the moment
Expressing her individuality
And accepting others
And I see perfect in my vision
Something that will never be reached...