I crave....an answer
validation...
a reason for my existence
...i crave someone who cares
...well validation
that i matter
i might seek poularity
***
men
boys
friends
...my parents
my family
God...
all just to get that
....and i feel abandoned
forsaken
...i feel alone
like i live in a world with just me in it
i feel as if im in the center of a room
full of ppl
but they seem a blur
and all i see is a room full of haters
doubters
....i see nothing
but i feel everything
i see haters but i feel the obligation to be kind
i fear my emotions
i fear...fear
i fear people
and i fear myself.....
i crave i day....
one ******* day
where i can wake up from the best sleep ever
..where i can accept my flaws
except life and its imperfectness
except me falling in front of everyone
except insecurity
except the world hating me...
and i want it to happen right now
my fingers shake of eagerness to have it
to have the rush of content
.....i want it
....how can i get it
...ive spent a year searching for it
..can i search it
is it here
is it right in front of me
...i want to say yes
but i dont ******* know
i dont...
and im so impatient
and my faith......
how can i have that
if im sad...
in a world full of happy people
....people telling you your worthless
a world full of surprises
a world...
a life....
its like i dont want to accept reality
i really cant
and my heart or my mind wants it so ******* badly
....i know i have to
but i know i cant force myself
ive learned that life....
the world
isnt a wish granting machine
you just are....
you feel what you feel
you are what you are
and it is what it is
....i guess thats life.....
huh

I crave peace
security....
and i get annoyed....
i feel not understood
...my mind is so ******* overwhelmed
...but projects not ****
its so mother *******
afraid of who knows ******* what
...i sit here like a ******* doll
with my Mom yelling in my ear
as insecurity
those annoying *** voices...
continue to say your nothing
your nothing because your not good enough
...for this person
he wont think your hot
your not good enough
....i think you should be more like this ****** up person
...all it does is degrade me
...tell me im nothing
.....tell me im something according to society
...then ******* deceit me
its like what am i...
who am i
what have i become
....what do i truly value
...who the **** am i
...im a wreck
a ******* train crash
dead...
and its like
i crave identity and security so much
im willing to find it in a matter of seconds
...its like i have no sense of patience in that field
its like ive been sad
...crying internally
totally hiding it
....insecure with myself
angry
...but in denial
completely in denial
about my entire existence
its like i dont want to admit to the person that i am
...my mind craves more
it doesnt crave real
its a ******* ***** i tell a ******* bith
a real pai in the ***
im tired of giving a **** about what others think about me
im tired of giving a **** about anything
im tired of being so annoyed and in denial about myself
its like i want to ******* scream
its like im trapped
trapped
and i feel obligated to stay trapped
..because im me
and because society and ppl
and like im not one to like to make others feel bad
....but like im so tired
its a ******* pain
making each and every day a task
...to mask the real me
and try and build this facade
impress evry ******* person i meet
...like its such a ******* task
every ******* day
for the past years
..its fustrating
i look at miley and demi and avril
then i look at me....
and i know that security and complete you...is possible
but its like...
who wants to sit sad
be ******* sad for a day, for weeks, for months
even years
like...
not me
im so tired and sick
and im done tryig to be what everyone else wants
....im done scrolling down my feed
and only seeing wrong
seeing wrong in me
and opportunities to change me
im tired of the negativity
and i refuse to live a day i jealousy, or in envy of some white, blonde *****
...i refuse
i refuse
...but also i fear
meaning i have no faith
my faith is in my mind
its coming out through my mouth
but its not their
its non existant
it wants to be their so ******* badly
but its not
its like i want to command my heart to believe
...but thats not possible
i cant command myself to die can i....
i mean.....

I'm not exactly happy right now
But I'm not exactly crying
And I'm not exactly living right now
But I'm not well on my way to dying
And people collectively are not exactly good
But neither are they bad
And it's been a while since I've stood
But I'm not sitting down sad
Because I am not defined by one action
We are constantly changing, growing,
Into who we need to be
We are not one moment of pain or satisfaction
We simply are and I am, and knowing
Knowing that keeps me free

it hits you
your life just kinda lightly hits you
...and then bam
it hits you hard but not hard enough to knock you out
...but after its done with you you wish you were
.....the room spins as words, moments, the past
whirl around with you
or more importantly whirl you around
...they control you
give you a mental anguish
its like your afraid of them
...your afraid of what will happen without these things
....you fear...
idk
your soul does tho....

Ya know its really hard to love yourself when your mind...
is constantly alerting you of danger
...its like shut the **** up already
like i dont remember the last time i was at peace with myself
like really relaxed....
ya know
im never at rest
....im never fully in the moment
but then again i am
its like im constantly searching for that level of completion
whether it be growing more hair
impressing that boy
looking like kim k
like im constantly looking for that outside source to complete me
....but its like
im here
right at this moment
and afraid
but life is alive
it is very alive
and it waits for no one
it will shove fears in your face
be your best friend
its everything in one
its life
and im in it
and one day it'll be gone
then what.....
james wont matter
my reputation wont matter
...like right now
is not the turning point for me to get up as a new different person....
or wake up from the deceitful life ive been in
but just....
bleh just becoause life
like...
life is life
...its my life no matter what
and nobody....
people
not even Miley matters in it...
because its mine...
i get to choose what happens....what i do
life is life and my life is my life...
remember that....

Ya know
.....I have mega internal issues
...with self true acceptance
......insecurity and all that crap
....but I am not any less worthy than the ***** with all her **** made
...the ***** with tons of friends
Kim kardashian
Sorry but my girl Miley, Avril
...like according to the world I'm a monster
....I'm ugly
..everything I do is wrong
Simply because of my skin color
....according to everyone
...I'm lame because I smile a lot
Wear different clothes
...and there has been a point in time
...**** it there is a point in time
Where I'm believing it
My insecurities
My ****** mind
...people
The world
....like I don't know what the hell I fear
Like....
I am who the hell I am
I'm not perfect
I'm hella insecure
But I like to mask it
And I'm afraid of showing the real me
Doing me
....and I don't even think I remember who the real me was before
I believed the world
....ya know but
.....poetry
Idk it makes me feel a little unreal
Like I have to
....everything becomes that for me
Good...then gone
...I try searching for that real feeling I once had
But it's gone
.....gone
..are you happy world
...are you happy
...because I'm not
....I'm fake
I'm phony
I'm unreal
...I've been shot
Bullet after bullet
And I'm told that their not even real wounds
....I've tried and I've failed
What is next
What is now
..I ask

Personal struggle
Like girl I ask....
Do you ever get tired?
Like.....
Internally anguished
******* tired
...and physically impaired
...because home girls mind is telling her
...no that's ghetto
Or you have to be cool
.....like do you ever get tired
....of pretending to be this fierce chic
.....but underneath your just so insecure
And your crying for help
But you don't want anyone to know
...you starve yourself
...**** your stomach in
....when you look in the mirror...
All you see is ugly and you know it
.....you see crusty toes
And how no guy will like you
Or you see another opportunity to reel a ***** in
Ya know are you tired
...of the run
Are you not exhausted
..ok I spelled that right
...but really
You've been running for a couple years now
...chasing happiness
...chasing temporary things
...looking in the same places
...the past
For happiness
I mean...
Come on now
That happiness was lost
It's gone
That's why your not happy
Your listening to the negative voices in your head
And your listening to your head
.....all it does is gather information from the outside
It doesn't compare to your heart
...now your heart believes it knows the truth
...but your head will tell you **** until you believe it
......it will tell you....
So girl...
You've chased it...
Now have faith
What do you have to lose
Your already unhappy
The one thing you shouldn't be on this earth
...the one thing you are supposed to love for was taken away
....believe
.....don't ramble
Don't think
Don't talk
Don't look
Don't move
....******* believe
...and then....
My friend....