...in every stroke of my box braids
I see an equivalent stroke of blonde hair
....blonde ******* hair
I'm in so much pain...
God where are you....
I need you...
I'm tired of lying to myself....repeating empty words
...I'm tired of these memories

...Opens up pacsun
last time I OPENED this up...man
...
i was drooling to have every single item on the page...
...I remember as greed and envy would sweep over my face
...I remember wanting the clothes to be seen
...I hear Aunty Toopee saying live a little in the backround...
live......a little
...and hurt myself while i'm at it....
....
maybe she really meant stop the worry and go run in the sun....
....maybe this lesson is...
letting go....letting life flow
....
maybe i closed my heart and only left my mind open to fashion...
open to absorb what everyone else is saying...
what everyone else is passionate about
...i don't think there was anytime in my life where i ever expressed myself through fashion...
honestly....
...fashion to me has been very compulsive...
its trendy and it's scary...
its everyone else but myself...
...i completely ran away from the fabric....
because so much has happened because of it....
now my Moms telling me im gross because i wear the same flannel...
Mom i'm sorry but im just comftorable..
and maybe that's bad...
that i go into a store and feel uncontrolled once I break the glass...
...and maybe i was meant to taste glass everytime I walked into a store
or opened up a magazine
or walked into a building of girls all carrying a louis tote....as your mama begged to get you a Michael Kors...
...and I said no
...clothes hurt
because it is the part of you where everyone sees...
....scariest part is not really what they see
its you....

Trying to figure out the bigger picture of a puzzle way to challenging for your mind...
attempting to see a mind that wasn't meant for your eyes...
....its like the ph stick
some taste sweet and others bitter
we cannot control taste...
we cannot try to taste bitter when we taste sweet...
we must realize that we have grave purpose...
there is a reason why you taste sweet....embrace it mama(liberian man would say)

Eyes glued to a computer screen...that is right in front of me
...eyes i control you...where are you planning on taking me
to a place of misery
....an eye squinted obviously means heavy judgement right
but only in my thoughts
as my eyes projected this thought
.....
water down the glue...and free yourself
...let your eyes project...freely
as a true camera lens would
....an artist lowers to meet with this lens...
and in this moment the power lies with the artist...
as the artist decides what will be seen and captures it...
thing is one cannot control what is seen...only what he or she chooses to see
...

As i scrolled through these job questions...
...taken to an actual place in my mind where...i see
where a picture baffles me and is engraved into thee
....when i think of overcoming struggles
i think no more Michael, everything will be perfect, i will never be jealous again...
...i think of an actual scenerio...as if i'm the starring act of a play
....as if i have already gathered up my script for the day
today...reading to children...hmmm i thought
...a fear faced...but with a thought..and a script
yea of done this before...thing is I havent
....no matter how much you practice the math or study the text...
...what happens in the next few seconds isn't guarenteed...
...sometimes it is luck that we find our expectations to have been met
...but truly i think fate
...this summer...my goal is to move forward...to learn the art, to expand my mind, do new things
...
something holds me still...
...
girl you don't know what happens next please comprehend this
...the most useful bit of advise
expectation or may i say the vision....
how can you love or be passionate about something...if its planned
...
my thing is fear of being without the words...being hurt...misguided
I am vulnerable without the words...
the words bring comfort
...trying to make a platform out of thin air

My I remember running infinitely in the distance...as time runs it's course
...trying to pace myself...trying my hardest to remain in my own Lane
....but simply remaining
....as I feel as if my heart has stopped
As I slow down to walk at the speed of another soul...
I stop because I notice eyes pryed to mine...
....blue eyes you see
Blonde hair ***...
Distraction distraction as I nearly get run over by a car....
.....
Or maybe I actually did as it simply passed over my mind when my eyes saw yours...
....right now
In the present moment
....I barely walk
But I limp...uncertain
Scared to death
Struggling to accept...alot of things
Like the fact that I can't control tommorow or who I am in this life....
Or people....
As I live in an alternate hell through my dreams....
Simply no words....
Simple.clean.and scary
....the mind searches for words
Something.anything
Algun...in return nunca
...I see you glued to my brain....by my very own Elmer's glue
....toxic the glue not
But my very own thoughts....as I grab at them for valid reasoning
Oh Jesus please....please not again
....but fate has it's own way of playing out....
....Jesus be with me as I face my fate face to face...

I am a child of the most highest!
I am beautiful!
I am strength!
I will and I can!
I am infinite!
I am love!
I am!
I am faith!