i - talk quickly
when i
get nervous and
don't think
about the words coming so fast i
just say what i hope you like i
made you a picture
i
hope you like it

Sometimes I don't know
Why I write
Or if I spend the right time
Doing the right things -
I've bartered and I've borrowed
Argued plaid lawyers into tomorrow
Became sharper from the sorrow
harder as it narrows
This pyramid scheme
Lain against a sunset exhumes
Perfect contrast.

Warm coating
Plastic skin
Cold war, let me in -
I knew you then
Before the shades all fell
I knew you when
The camera lenses were still stable
Rainbow iris and
Mechanical arms, soft gears
Beautiful infrastructure -
That took off years, and added others -
I have dreams of us
still together, still together
Wrapped in blankets, our air
conditioned - our liquids hot
And romantic visits -
And you leave like
There are magnets in your hips -
And you breathe like
Magic leaves your lips -
I love the darkness, the depth of your mouth
Baby, please
Come home, and let me out.

Another late night
More birds chirping
More feeling worthless
Worth well, six shots of Bacardi
A beer here, a drag there
What a drag here, slowing down
To my last fear - speak publically rambling
Incoherent politics iced coffee straw wrapper cigarette lunch for pigeons and people who look like birds

just want to meet a girl that's a solid 8
and that i can somehow tolerate
'cause it's sad when home's become some horrible place
home alone writing poems wonder why though
saying after, that i should have bothered to take
     a better shot, with you -
maybe a longer walk, with you
because i knew on the spot, when we first met
that there was something i liked about you
     nothing new here
though
well, new apartment and job
oh yeah a new phone, a new vehicle
a couple poems
that i like -
a vehicle, to be who i'd like - to be and,
i guess much
     has changed, but it doesn't feel right
without you - it's not the same, ( at night )
thinking back to our days, i blame - myself - ( i should've )
given deeper thought, about you
taken longer walks, out with you
     i don't know where you've gone
or the numbers that you dial -
i haven't heard you laugh in so long
i've wondered
what you've been thinking
for a while now

JEEZ
you got a
twisted perspective
only feel alive with
kissed erections - no
missed connections - no
mixed messages - no
*** with protections - it's expected
that on the first date, I waltz over to the third base
and worst case scenario, this is just a game - right?

they are multiplying
growing
and splitting, at the seems of sadness
glowing screens and madness
it happens, a lot
you're distracted, a lot
and I'm attracted, to thoughts
of where i'm trapped into -
accidents -

The cameras got there too fast.
Me and you?
We weren't too last -
Then metals bent, and glass shattered

kiss the ring of the employer
holy matrimony, me?
join ideas with a ******?
I'll go grey hair as long as I can stand here.
and watch.
Listen. I'm okay with this.
it's there when I need it
it's there when I don't
it's in the air I'm breathing
it's in my hands my hair and my scalp
it's behind my eyelids and in my mouth
it's all the violence, in the South
It's black on white crime
It's money inside politics
It's a sweaty lipstick ******* in San Francisco
It's you
It's me
It's America, it's the whole ******* planet I say -
Where scientists are the only ones who don't sin -
Not the religists, or people who's kids go to elementary schools that cost more than my college degree I now only know I didn't need
It's the color wheel
It's everything
And it's mine, please.
Please Please Please.

Heart is as heavy as
Eyelids salivating for sleep
Salvation in closing
To just let go

When I wrote you that poem
- it ******.
The more I read it, the more
I hated it.
The lines made my stomach twist
The words had me dizzy
The letters sharp to my vision
This isn't what I wanted to be.
I just wanted to write you a poem
Tell you my crazy feelings
Make you smile
But now I'm afraid.
The art is larger than us.

I'm uploading
another
hip hop instrumental
right now.
Twitter
or Soundcloud works.
Thank you.

tonight I've managed
to produce
my most complex yet
I'm excited
but... my back hurts
I'm excited for this.

https://soundcloud.com/the_mjv/at-last-hip-hop-instrumental

What kind of friend breaks in and lies?
[[[      Man, that ain't a friend
          that's just a guy who's trying
          to stay by your side while you're supplying
          a good time and -
          then he's onto bigger and better things ]]]
****. Sit for a second before I tie shoe strings
You trippin' if you don't listen to my new flings
See, I'm surprised you ain't - addicted to some syringe -
See - I too, tried being true and clean
but this addictive personality just went and ruined me
Had to come back twice as hard
Press the keys that write the Lord
I know that I'm likely more - bound for Hell
Close my eyes and hear a thousand yell
Skeletons ask for my good help - my good word,
is all I got - I wanna apologize, but I do not
knowing all along you decide, what you want

she used to tell me I was poison
to everyone but to her
I was medicine
we met in sin
six drinks in
she used to tell me I was perfect
with red cheeks
I was an open book
she used to call to say goodnight
and call to say I'm poison
and used to call to cry and tell me she's sick
she used to call
she used to call
now the phone doesn't move
I'm poison

Poison, poison
she used to tell me I was poison
to everyone, but to her
I was medicine
ah we met in sin
about six drinks in
she used to whisper smirk I was perfect
with red cheeks
tip of your tongue in between teeth
I was an open book
she used to call to say goodnight
and call to say I'm poison
and used to call to cry and tell me she's sick
she used to call and tell me I make it better
she used to call
she used to call
she used to call me poison
And now the phone doesn't move
like the eyes of an insect out of reach,
I'm poison.

In one motion
I pulled a flower from the Earth
Brought it to my face
And threw it over my shoulder
You laughed with your lips and eyelashes
My other hand I took a drag of a cigarette
and spit salvia through my teeth at the dirt
Soup salad and break sticks baby
Iced coffee honey
You want it now baby?
In this patch of grass honey?
You always do this **** she said.
You always make me feel stupid.
{maybe that's because you are}
You always make me feel like it's never good enough.

i took everything
you said
literally - i took
your fiction for fact
as if
the sky were to fall I'd reach up
palms to push back to keep you
and i intact - but
fierce chills climb up my spine
when i hear her heart sink
our clock has struck midnight
as glass shatters across the floor -
the moon glows through windows
and this is a side of you
i have never seen before

i,
touch -
- pens
paper - money
pieces of food - i
- touch
- people,
shoulders,
babies -
i - touch
rooms
walkways mucous tan
i - touch
moments in time still forgotten -
i touch
through the doorways of creation
i touch
handheld messiahs and they're false proclamation
i touch
open wounds of men and women
i touch
i can't let this all be forsaken
i can't have been so mistaken -
i touch
sound and light
and not know it
but
i touch
darkness then
light, and i know it
i wish
i
could let go of -
it

heh, i know i'm dreaming
but i can't wake up.
she's over there
talking to the wall
and i'm still realizing it's summer time
at a beach i've never actually been too.
there's waves and sand and there she is
with eyes so hollow i can hear my echoes from them.

I fall in love when
the walkways are paved with ice -
Your cold stare
My empty apartment
This dusty coffee table, you once
Placed half full lukewarm beverages
that became forgotten for days as I
woke up and drove places came back
A carousel, and you were the music to my madness - I knew
When you left, this was a
Terrifying place to be alone

i'm the odd man out
not ever the even dude in -
it's ******* cold out
wondering why i deserve this
almost slipped and fell into a mailbox -
i want to live on the beach
and drink the salt water -
i want to bask in the sunlight haze
of the streetlights illuminating a dark path
walked on by men
women, children - tiny spiders
that could **** you -

What is a day?
Is it sunrise to sunset?
or is it a surprise of how upset
fed up and perplexed with life you can get?
Is it a matter of minutes
divided by moments?
Or is it a matter of atoms
that shatter - exploding
Capable of causing a massive disaster
and showing - us what fear is.

One minute it's fine
the next it's knot
I've tied tight ready
Hands steady eyes heavy
Let me do it!
Barking at identies unclear.
Shadow darting startled in fear.
Breathe. It's time.
This is for you, he said
raising a glass of their blood
This is for us, he said, with a nod
across the room, the cross almost
glows against the ****** walls.
He's ready they said.
Ready for answers they said.

what an odd position -
- my opposition -
what was a small percentage
grew tenfold, those once instrumental
to my success, chose to withhold -
and not speak -
- true intentions - evading patience
now why i sweat and stress shaking
hands with a red face pacing
hallways making
aching to be making
something outta nothing -
- what else is new

Phony girl
Only Dials a *******.
Washed up
She's never coming clean.
Soapbox talking,
keeping the conversation flowing.
Just long enough.

Building this nest egg
I'm walking on egg shells
Serving birds in
Parked cars in
Suffocation
Gasping for air
About to take flight
The moonlight my
Only friend
The moonlight I
study the Earth and the sky
This cool night of plaid
cotton candy sticky holding hands
sore teeth and puffy lips, bruised
by brain shaking accidents
of twisted metal and leaking gasoline -
We call it fate. After all.
You made it. Cracking
your back wooden like a rolled out ladder
from a balcony drenched in rolling smoke -
Family, one at a time.
Thoughts, one at a time. But -
I still don't know if I made it out -
I laugh as I cough but still, cough.

It isn't how often you call
It isn't how much you spent on holiday
It isn't that you remembered the date
It isn't that you did that favor
It's not what you say
It's not what you think
It's not that you care
And it's not that you bring
Potato salad on Saturday -

There is something to be said,
for speaking your mind, she whispered -*

      There's a home
outside of this home -
inside of this home is a fire
inside of this home is a fountain
This pedestal, is perched, a crow
gawking at me, as I inhale smoke
from charcoal, as my breathing accelerates endlessly -
I can feel the oxygen hitting my lungs
like the sun hits my eyelashes on the first
day of Spring, where blue jays
and wet lawns, and a later setting sunset reach into
my stomach and fill it with flowers
and girls and sand and salt and bikinis -
I just wanted to take the time to say - I
I feel nostalgia in the form of an atomic holocaust -
it happened, and it will happen over
and over and over. Until we can take the time
to say, what we really feel inside.

those silent seconds in the sand
the slow motion moments holding her hands
the days i spent driving down to you
to spend hours going down on you

i can't sit on a swing without
thinking of you -
it's the way the wind
hits my face - at least, we still
both breathe the same air -
i tell myself
You're not a kid anymore.
i can't just eat sweets until i get sick -
i can't take a trembling drag of a cigarette
by the bathroom window without
crashing halfway though a psychosis -
i - can tell you where down is, though

It's funny how
We can learn
To love what
We always told
Ourselves to hate
It's sad how
We can learn
To hate what
We always told
Ourselves to love

I can't afford basic income
I'm too full of selfish thoughts
honestly I'd probably just cop a quarter pound of ***
and smoke it down until my entire mind rots
and maybe other people are okay -
letting their private lives be watched - which, for me
is fine - I have nothing to hide, but don't ask
"by us or them?" when we're supposed to be on the same side.

There's something in the pizza, I thought
as I could feel the mechanics of my jaw
compress the wet paper ball caught in my throat -
"Your best days are behind you," I heard
through a cup against the wall -
I'm 27 - how could this be possible?
Yesterday I had a birthday party and no one showed up.
I didn't know I was supposed to invite them.
I didn't know it was a party.
I didn't realize I was invited.
Had I known, I would have declined.

the trees are weeping
for those fallen
once deeply rooted
we will all eventually leave
this place cold naked and afraid

i wonder
how many sets of lips
i must kiss
until i can no longer judge if
it's just for fun
self hatred the pain from which we run
the insecurities we scour like birds circling

My heart goes out to the man
on the side of the road
My mind, goes out to the soul
who refused to open his hands
To a man, he'll never know
My stomach turns
Like dusty blade swells the smoke in the room -
I open doorways without knowing what's behind them

she was like a stallion
galloping through the grocery store -
kicking people in the face
and breaking objects constantly -
she was like a lion in a hen house -
i was like a piece of candy
being held by a baby -
she was like a can of gasoline in a fireplace
i was the tiny mist of fume of gas from when u filled the
stupid canister because
we broke
down and you said
you'd walk, i was a witness
she was a tyrant - she was a gift
i was a loss, i was so lost

u had a 'freckle'
u called a blemish
i had a scar
from a wound i couldn't remember
we held hands on swings at sunset -
i was seven
i saw the automobiles come
and go and we swung
and swayed
your hair, i still remember, today

heights aren't so bad
it's the depths i worry about

what.
what off Earth did you expect?
some courageous campaign of charisma
collecting chaos in a bottle?
we drank until our insides hurt.

we skip church on Sundays
to fend off champagne hangovers
wrapped in clouds of soft smoke
and perform oral *** on each other
under blankets and pillows
tangerine sourbet and wet windows
another reason to not leave you, my love
doorways into nightmares i tried to forget
oh this has always been more than enough,
hasn't it?

I don't think we ever truly knew each other, she said.
I almost said I felt like one of those icicles that stay the same size, while all their icicle friends are pushing towards the fallen snow.
I just looked at her.
I'm surprised my stomach didn't digest my heart right there, as my eyes ran across the back of my brain, I could feel the static building.
Wondering. Where I went wrong and when.
We had it all.
The lazy Sundays.
The gluttonous nights after work.
The lustful sweat falling to her bare skin mixing with the oils and dust in the air.
Her make up running with angst
Asking to be set free, I know that feeling all to well, I said.
What? She looked perplexed pausing the passion.
Oh, sorry, I slapped her in the face, and she smiled.

I have been sick more times this year
than ever before.
My parents say I should sleep better.
My friends say I should eat better.
My boss says I should read more.
My doctor says I need regular
Exercise. Exercise. How can I walk
When I got so much on my mind?
Only that which can be expelled
At a desk, in my bed, in my dreams,
I'm happy.

there's something weird happening
i - don't trust
a n y o n e
and it's not my fault -
they did it.
They - the purple-hearted non-believers -
my enemy's front line, bottom line -
we tap the streams of our neighbors
we kiss death on the lips in ecstasy
we touch the other side of the universe and
hardly realize it -

it's not really something i think about anymore,
she said.*
     i hate this tile floor -
smokers downstairs hijacking my sleep
with nicotine nightmares and a dry mouth
awake tastes like ash - black - i nod
- smile - as we pass each other in the halls
begin to wonder, why life
is dependent on their preferred method of death?
it's fine -
because at night
i reciprocate as i read my poetry aloud

I take my time once in awhile!
Other than that
It's whatever that happens, happens
You can take everything from me.
The food.
The fuel.
The fridge.
The friends.
But the fire is mine.

i opened a box today
and inside were my letters from you -
i haven't read them in over a year now
and i wondered if they were still true -
i inhaled and breathed in the words
the letters you inked on paper -
i took a deep breath, thinking of you
because i might not get one later -
and at that moment
i found myself surprised
those memories we created
were like smoke to my eyes

I miss when the president of the United States was a person I'd respect,
Instead of just a worthless derelict -
Preying on the problems of the poor -
Praying this will
solve it, as I pour -
This glass
half empty - all out -
Not much to lose now?
They say an enemy of my enemy,
is a friend, well...
Pyongyang? Here we are.
Biscuits, and blankets, ants and all.
Melting on your tattered crimson.
What do we do, when the poltergeist comes to life?
When the music becomes light,
and the light becomes shade, oh Lord
I'm giving up all of my vices today!
But I'm afraid, it's too late.

i miss what it's like
giving the kiss of death
stealing the bread of life
i long for the days
we'd write songs in the shade
light bongs in a haze
the wind in her hair
just last week, there
in my arms you seemed
so at peace.

for better or worse
i am
what i think
they think
i am
more or less