Hello Dr. Phil, have you got a segment
I've got a few things latched onto my mind
Don't worry this won't take but a second
If you do me this I'll return the favor in kind

Hello Dr. Phil, it's about my mother
Well really both her and my mother in-law
If you care to throw my wife into the picture
That wouldn't be far off at all

Hello Dr. Phil, have you run into this problem
Or am I a first and is there a cure
Call me right back Doc, I think I can take it
Can you tell me how much longer I've got in this world

Hello Dr. Phil, you might recognize me
I've been to see Oz and those Dr's on Channel 4
Though they canceled my moment said I was clingly and needy
Hello Dr. Phil, can I be a friend of yours

Hello Dr. Phil, have I mentioned the aliens
Do you do abductions, is that your forte
Cause if you do I can get you more ratings
We'll bowl over Maury he'll have nothing to say

Hello Dr. Phil*, I keep calling and calling
The heavy breathing? Yea, could be me on the line
But if you would answer neither of us would stress out
We could solve both our problems if you'd just give me the time

I'm a victim of illusion
Your slight of hand no man can see
Leaves me in a state of confusion
As you remove the heart in me

I'm a victim of your magic
Power over life or death
One word from you, what that word would do
Leaves me with little if nothing else

Your an act no man can follow
And still I stand in line
With the aching wish that I would be your pick
Your illusion forever, with you forever mine

You sit down to write the perfect song
To the tune that's stuck in your head
You just need the right words to go along
But most everything has already been said

You could write about unrelenting love
Or the love that is no longer there
To tell the truth hasn't there been more than enough
And does true love really care

The lyrics have to be more than can be seen
Words that envelop all space and time
So your search dives deeper into the abyss
Trying to capture the perfect rhyme

I't doesn't have to be a song you can dance to in the streets
But one that still moves the heart
The rhythm of language will replace the hearts beat
That is at this moment where you find that you are

You decide to walk the road of life a little ways more
Hoping inspirational words fill your head soon
Knowing full well this song will explain what all life is for
Until then you'll continue whistling the tune...

Remember the day
They took the pain away
And turned us all oxymoron's
Visiting our own graves

The walking dead
Zombified
And to think we thought
They gave us back our lives

Trampled by the pills
That they prescribed
Pay the pusher
The greatest price
It'll be alright

When it's hard to swallow
When that ain't enough
Find an uncaring vain
And start shooting up

Who could have known
They'd throw us the longest curve
When the disease turn out to be
What we thought the greatest cure

Do you remember
When love was all that mattered

Yes those were the best of days
With so much to give away

Do you remember
When love was all that mattered

A smile then was what a smile meant
People reached out with open hands

Do you remember
When love was all that mattered

Nothing more and nothing less
Gladly giving all we had

Do you remember
When love was all that mattered

Held it out and let it shine
Mine was yours and yours was mine

Do you remember
When love was all that mattered

Beautiful and natural
Everyone would heed the call

Do you remember
When love was all that mattered

I'd like to try and make a prediction
Though I have no crystal ball
No Tarot cards to read off of
No fly upon the wall

No tea leaves to read in my cup
I wouldn't dare touch a Ouija board
No chance at the daily double
When a single one I can't afford

Never been much on the weather
A day of rain or of pure sun
And I'm not much into holding palms
Let alone in reading one

But what it is I'd like to predict
As far as I can see
Is to always have you by my side
Madly in love with me

You look and see the shape the world is in
Your so afraid any day it's going to end
Let me let you in on a secret friend

You can never PRAY enough

Your asking me if that helps
I'm asking you if not then what else
As the world around you quickly melts

You can never PRAY enough

The moral collapse of society
The putrid air that we all breathe
Needs that drive us to our knees

You can never PRAY enough

The knuckle heads that are in charge
The loony's running freely in the yard
The very best in get well cards

You can never PRAY enough

Even when it's all running smooth
Be it Latitude or Longitude
Word of mouth or in the news

You can never PRAY enough

My advice to those out there
Retirement age or Kinder care
Here or there or anywhere

You can never PRAY enough

I often find
A woman's mind
Is much like a woman's purse

Both deep and wide
With much to hide
And plenty of room to learn

Where she keeps all her stuff
More than enough
To get her through the day

Plus even some
Items for fun
When she feels the need to play

There's so much stuff in
If she started to dig
That even she doesn't know about

That's one thing I like
About a woman's mind
It's so hard to figure out

Plus a diary within
To hold memories in
Of the best and of the worst

And that's why I find
A woman's mind
Is much like a woman's purse

My father built
This family up
To where it is
From where it was
From calloused hands
To faithful knees
He did it all
For family

Husband, dad, friend
Is who you were
I only wish
There'd been a cure
I miss you now
With all of my heart
Missing you more
The patriarch

Wide in the smile
Sly to the eye
Soft to the touch
Strong in the might
Hard as you try
It's tough to find
A father like that
As good as mine

Those left behind
To carry on
A faithful wife
Three loving sons
My only hope
Is we do the same
In passing along
This family name

As you put your trust
In all of us
Raising us right
Truthful and just
Knowing one day
That where we were
We too would be
The patriarch

Is that Abraham Lincoln at the end of the bar
He's got all the women giggling and flustered
Him and his little red fancy sports car
How can any man next to him even pass mustered

I swear Honest Abe keeps on eyeing my girl
As I draw her closer, holding her tight
He stands and he winks says wanna go for a whirl
Last I saw of her was the wave from that cars passenger side

Now I have the 16th president to blame for my misery
Who would have thought it would happen like this
Always blamed the president that we have now
Guess I'll have to add Abe to the list

Next time I see Abraham Lincoln at the end of the bar
I'm taking my date and heading straight for the door

i know a woman
that never once saw the ocean
never once heard the sound
of the pounding of waves
didn't know how it felt
to be kissed by the sea breeze
i find that rather sad
is all i can say

though she did have
the beauty of the blue ridge
with the breath taken away
by a cold mountain lake
if i never had seen
the same things that she's seen
i think about me
she'd have the same things to say

one foot on this side of life

one foot in the grave

one hand holding the knife

while the other is swinging the blade

one eye looking this way

one eye looking that

one arm holding onto the notion

while the other is putting it back

one mouth claiming the truth

one mouth speaks of deceit

one mind with thoughts of the savior

while the other is weak in the knees

one soul this side of heaven

one soul this side of that

all one people searching for answers

to where it all is at

First thing I do is check the date
Good thru two thousand eighty five
Haven't had a can this fresh
Since Calvin Coolidge was alive

You can call it quirkiness
Each time I give the top a thump
Best way to tell if it's perfectly jelled
To the consistency that I love

If you know what I'm taking about
Well right you are and yes I am
That delectable treat of mystery meat
Known around the world as A Can Of Spam

Spam only comes in one savory flavor
King of canned meat there is only one
You remember long after your dining pleasure
By the amount of film left on your tongue

Do as I do and save the lid
A smart move you would be making
Comes in handy after dining
To help along with the tongue scraping

they're beige
they're brown
lounge about town
Vinyl Recliner

you snooze
let loose
in the afternoons
Vinyl Recliner

you sweat
you stick
leave skin on it
Vinyl Recliner

they start off
with sass
but eventually crack
Vinyl Recliner

it's filled
with stuff
comes out in clumps
Vinyl Recliner

until it's
thrown out
rain soaked no doubt
Vinyl recliner

Oh Lord my God, I want to die
And you are the reason why
Die to self, die to sin
Die to the man that lives within

The man that's deep within my soul
Too often takes complete control
Have mercy on this sinful man
Chief of sinners that I am

But you oh Lord
Have sealed my fate
To live is Christ
To die is gain

So that is why I want to die
And Lord you are the reason why
Die to self, die to sin
Die to the man that lives within

One thing that poetry
Has taught me outright
Is you can not beat the written word
When it's put into rhyme

Where they may start out dull
You soon will find in time
All of them before you know
Will sparkle as they shine

As they weave their way in and out
Of poetic word play
Silver in the dashing tongue
With the gold that they create

Nothings more astounding
Or comes this close to work
As the poetry surrounding
The rhyming of the word

What It Is
That Has Me Flustered

What It Is
That Beats The Drum

What It Is
Has The Strength Of Many

But The Tinder Heart Of One

What It Is
That Gives Me Comfort

What It Is
That Brings Me Down

What It Is
Is What It Is

When No One Is Around

What It Is
Is At Face Value

What It Is
Reads Between The Lines

Silence Is The Sound It Makes

As What It Is
Makes The Sacrifice

What It Is
Begs To Differ

What It Is
Can Not Be Seen

What It Is
At This Very Moment

Is The Space Between You And Me

I keep a picture of myself
In a drawer beside my bed at night
So when I wake up in the morning
I can remember what it is I look like

Because when I look into the eyes of the mirror
And it looks back into mine
It takes who it is I feel that I am
And replaces it with old man lies

It doesn't see the youthful heart in me
That I wish it would, so instead
I keep a picture of myself
In a drawer beside my bed

Where there's a broken heart over a breakup
I am always standing by
With the convenient shoulder to lean on
On which a girl can comfortably cry

If there's ever any problem
I am quickly on the scene
Where all the ladies like to call me

Mr. In-Between

I've grown accustomed to this name given
Not bothered all that much
I'm always ready for the rebound
With my bag of tenderness and love

Filling a much needed position
In today's society
Someone here to sooth and give a listen

Mr. In-Between

Not concerned with being the first choice
Sometimes not even the second or third
Though I often have the last voice
When Mr. Prefect turns out to be a ****

I'm always willing and able
Just waiting in the wing
Ready to give it all that I've got

Mr. In-Between

Here's a shout out
To all the Ladies out there
Who want a boyfriend so bad
But haven't found him just yet

Don't worry girls
It's not a hopeless cause
The man of your dreams
Hasn't found you yet is all

You see he's out there
And he's searching  too
Looking for the perfect women
And that perfect women is you

When it does happen
You will know this is it
Because both you and he
Will be the perfect fit

So go out and enjoy
Galentines with your girl friends
Because this time next year
You may all have boyfriends

The making of a Mother
Is not only about the birth
It's more the light that shines so bright
That gives a Mother her worth

It's the wisdom in the knowing
The gentle guiding hand
That guards a child from the wild
How only a Mother can

It's the ear that gives a listen
To the secrets that she keeps
The value in the lessons
That only a Mother can teach

Being a Mom happens
Over the course of time
The most important job you can think of
On the side of life

It's the silence in the moment
When nothing need be said
The fact that she's a woman
That is there above all else

A Mother above all others
Is not only the one that gave you life
No, a Mom is the one
That stands strong by your side

I wake up each day
With the best of intentions
So get out of my way
Because I'm a Christian
The first thing I do
Is pray of course
And with that out of the way
I check off the box

Head down to the kitchen
To put coffee on
Then search for my bible
Now where could it have gone
Right where I last set it
I read chapter and verse
I then close it up
And check off the box

Get myself dressed
In my best conservativness
Making sure not to forget
The cross around my neck
Wanting the world to know
I'm saved and not lost
In case my actions don't show
As I check off the box

I step out the door
All about the Lord's business
Looking for unsuspecting souls
To which I can witness
It's what I've got to do
Like it or not
And as soon as I'm through
I check off the box

I pray before meals
Thankful what's set before me
And thankful for not
Being like the sinners I see
With their salvation plan
I wish them good luck
Not like they haven't been warned
As I check off the box

With another satisfying day
Under my belt
Along the way I heard someone say
They had Jesus in their heart
Which got me to thinking
A lot of meaningful thoughts
But in the meantime
I'll just check off the box

When I came to pick you up
You were a beauty to behold
I walked you out to my Pinto
And even opened up the door

I know your thinking what a gentleman
But alas your thoughts they do escape me
With the creak of my door hinge so loud
I knew I should have WD-40'd

So you wouldn't tear your dress on the seat spring
I covered it with my Mothers favorite towel
I can see by the look that's in your eyes
I've really won you over now

I'm sorry the AC is out
As I spritz cool water in my dash fan
Is that you blinking in Morse code
You da man! You da man! You da man!

I only dine at the finest cuisine
Can't wait till you see what I did
Reservations at Red Lobster babe
I'll even help you put on your lobster bib

I strike up a conversation
Tell you all about my life, my dreams, my job
I continue talking, never mind the food in my mouth
At this point all you here is blah,blah,blah,blah,blah

I remember when Twitter was
what your heart felt like when falling in love

I remember Pinterest was when you put pushpins on
the map hanging on the wall for where you planed to travel

I remember back when the only Facebook
was Mom's photo album

I remember when Tumblr was
rolling down the hill for fun as a child

I remember when Gay used to mean you were happy
And a Joint was a bad place to be

When I Hooked Up it was usually my stereo
All these newfangled meanings are so confusing to me

Or when Bad really meant Bad
And sick was what you did all over the floor

Now they both seem to mean a good thing
Can anyone tell me what for?

And don't even get me started on Thongs
That we wore on our feet to go to the beach

Now they're used to cover up what?
The rear with a piece of string?

I remember when we did not have to worry
about being politically correct

Or even have to worry about
who we might offend back

I remember back then
we were free to speak our minds

And not have to worry about how
everything would be perceived by society as a whole

I sure do miss back then
But at least I still remember when...

I couldn't think of a poem today
But still felt the need to write
So as not to disappoint myself
I took these random thoughts from deep within my mind
And placed them in some sorta order
So that they would rhyme**

How come Hippopotamus is only one of us
And Hippopotami is more
Whenever it is that I say my
It's I, me, mine, not four

If it's raining cats and dogs
Is it safe to go outside
And are they chasing their own tails
As they're falling from the sky

Do butterflies
Spread well on toast
And if they do
Which ones would be used the most

What jelly or jam
Would best compliment
If you preferred the Giant Monarch
For it's majestic stance

If we were all
The same color blue
Would what I did or how I lived
Still bother you

Just a few random thoughts
I felt the need to say
Since I could not find a poem
In which I could write today

I'd love to be your room
The one that you run to
To get away from the stress life makes
The room that makes you feel safe

I'd love to be the golden ****
The first and last thing that you touch
In your comings and your goings
Where you'd feel safe under my lock

I'd also like to be the key
That opens up that door
Or where you lay to paint your nails
Just to be the floor

Oh to be the window seat
That you sit upon
As you look out on the day
Dreaming of the one you love

To even be the vanity mirror
The one that holds your gaze
The music from your stereo
When your favorite song is played

The sheets on your bed, your pillow too
All of this and so much more
What's most comfortable for you
Is why I'd love to be your room

his paper it is parchment
while his pen is quill
he writes to help the moments
in life to stand still

he has neither camera
nor a brush per say
in which to show the pictures
of life that he displays

all he has is imagination
and the ones that find
they'd like to see a bit further
into this artist's mind

so he takes a piece of parchment
and grabs a hold his quill
writing down in verses
the moments in life that he stands still

How can love
Lift you up
To the highest heights

And then
Just as quick
Kick you over the side

How can love
Hurt so much
Where all you do is cry

And then in
The same instance
Break you into smile

How can love
Be more than enough
And yet still question why

If only love
Could be understood
I wonder what we'd find

To tell the truth as far as I can see
If I were you I wouldn't want to be me
Far too many issues, way too many needs
To tell the truth as far as I can see

Ask anyone I know intimately
If I were you I wouldn't want to be me
It's a fine line that's drawn with no room to breath
Ask anyone I know intimately

I can only pass mustard to a certain degree
So if I were you I wouldn't want to be me
Do you get the idea or should I repeat
If I were you I wouldn't want to be me

Me: So Mike, tell us a little bit about yourself...

MH: You should know that...your me.

Me: I know but I'm interviewing you...

MH: Isn't that a bit odd?

Me: Yes but your to lazy and cheap to hire anyone and we both know you'd have to pay someone because no one is that interested in you...
I'm you and I'M not that interested.

MH: You do have a point there!

Me: Okay...shall we start over? Are you ready to dive in deep?

MH: You bet!

Me: If you could be any color you wanted...what color would that be?

MH: Wow! You don't play games! That is deep! Can I get back to you with that?

Me: Sure....but you know me.

MH: Yes I do Mike and that's just one of the many things I admire about you.

Me: Why thank you Mike!

Me: How about, if you were a tree....

MH: Woah....Your blowing my mind here!

Me: How about we start with something simple....Can you remember the first poem you wrote?

MH: Not line for line but I do remember it was in the 7th grade to my first girlfriend...something about her turning around and seeing the boy in love with her...
Of course that boy was me.
I'm sure it also had lines in there about her flaming red hair and massive freckles and who doesn't love those! Her name was Fresca Schmertz....a true beauty!

Me: That's great but could you keep your answers short? We don't want to lose the readers...

MH: Yes

Me: Good...so how long after that did you discover you were an amazingly talented poet (his words, not mine)

MH: Yes

Me: Yes...what.

MH: You asked me to keep my answers short....so I am

Me: But that's not really an answer.

MH: Okay, then maybe

Me: Maybe?!  That doesn't even make any sense! This just isn't going to work!

MH: I think its going great for someone who's talking to them self....

Me: Arghhhh!!!

To be continued?

how many times have you said
that your life is one big mess
and that the ringing in your head
tells you you're a wreck

although that thought may be true
here's some positiveness for you
take the negativity off your menu
and on this tidbit chew

keep those thoughts out of your head
although they're hungry they need not be fed
there's no need for them to spread
in the time that you have left

because if you weren't a whopping mess
how ever then would you be blessed
and in who would you find your rest
with that being said

accept that yes with great finesse
the one true God loves you no less
to him you are a beautiful mess
and he can handle it

In my walk with God
I've both stayed and strayed
Up and down, left and right
Walked by faith and still lost sight

Been on the straight and narrow
And path that's ten lanes wide
Holding hands with my fellow man
Blurry lines have filled my time

But God in his faithful mercy, grace,
and unconditional love
Has been my constant companion
When I stumble, there to lift me up

He's been my two steps forward
When I am one step back
Waiting for a better tomorrow
He stands firm where I am at

I've climbed to the mountain tops
And crawled in valley's low
All the while knowing full well
God through it all has held me close

This is one of those love poems
That young lovers tend to write
When they find that special someone
They think about morning, noon, and night

When the dull world that they once knew
Shines a brighter shade
Like any other love poem that you've read
On any other given day

It talks about when the one you love
Turns around and smiles
How with the kiss of wind the clouds disappear
And the sun comes shining out

Filled with a sugary sweetness
That drips from off the page
Though you've heard this in every love poem before
It still has the need to say

There's an essence to your beauty
How life sparkles when you smile
The way it is I feel for you
Is what this poem is all about

And though it's all been said before
In many poems up to this day
Thought I'd go ahead and take this chance
To say it any way

There is a bit of difference
And the evidence does hold true
This poem your holding in your hands
Was written especially for you

All of this just so happened
With the saying of one simple phrase
"Beam me up Scotty"
Was all The Captain had said

But all that came aboard
Was Captain Kirk's toupee
Never did they see James again
After that fateful day

Now Captain Kirk's toupee
Is the one that's running the ship
Barking out its orders
From where the Captain once sat

It's little wonder the toupee and the crew
Don't see eye to eye
As it continues throughout its screaming
Can't you see I need more warp drive

With Scotty hollering back
I'm giving her all that's she's got
Thinking the whole time the Captain's toupee
Would make a good galley mop

Spock while all this is happening
Struggles to keep a straight face
Which is really hard for a Vulcan to do
When dealing with a demanding toupee

Of course like James T. Kirk
His toupee has a thing for alien gals
Which leaves the ladies throughout the galaxy
All with a bad taste and hair in their mouths

And not to mention the trouble with the Klingon's
Now they have no idea what to say
How in the world do you wage war
When your arch enemy is a bad toupee

It's little surprise this all lead to a mutiny
Of the Starship Enterprise crew
The day they grabbed the toupee
And ran to the transporter room

They all wondered what took them so long
The idea it was so blatantly simple
As they beamed away Kirk's toupee
Down to the surface of the Planet of Tribble's

I have this dream nightly
Of Rubber Chickens chasing me
I try and hide but still they find
Me amid obnoxious screams

With flopping heads that flap right and left
Where sanity is kept I do my best
As Rubber Chickens chase me nightly
Through my dreams on deserted streets

With no weapon in hand with which to fight them
Not even a carving knife
If you do a fact check you'll see they're already dead
So there's no fear for their lives

Sometimes the dream's in sloooow mooootion
Like running through fields of quick sand
Sometime's I'm the Rubber Chicken
Sometime's they're frightened man

If anyone out there interprets dreams
Can you tell me what all of this means
As I'm being chased nightly
By Rubber Chickens through the streets in my sleep

What has been my worth
While here on earth
Have I paid my way
Since my day of birth
Have I taken advantage
Of what's been given me
What has been my worth
In this my history

Where's my time been spent
In the black or red
If I had it to lend
Would there be any left
And if there's any left
Would it come back to me
Where's my time been spent
In this my history

Have I given enough
And asked none in return
Can I truly say
What I have is what I've earned
All that is around
Everything I see
Have I given enough
In this my history

The ocean whispers in mans ear
Come, dive into my mysteries
Where we will mix our salty tears
As we share in tragedy

Drown your sorrows in my waves
With the sailors of long past
Sailing to the end of days
Where the flags fly at half mast

Swim the depths of all the lives
That were lured in by the sea
Leaving orphaned children and widowed wives
Where what will be is what will be

The ocean whispers in mans ear
Drop what you have, come dive in me

for you & i

have got me thinking
this moment in time
has nothing missing

when it comes to love
when it comes to us
when it comes to the place we belong

for you & i

are both the reason
we'll survive
this open season

when it comes to us
when it comes to love
we'll ride it all out in a poem

for you & i

are meant to be here
with open skies
to make the way clear

when it comes to love
when it comes to us
when it comes to how it is done

for you & i

She said...

Can I ask where your from
I said from over there
She then questioned me how come
I replied cause I don't care
At the risk of looking dumb
I just sat and stared
She was about the prettiest one
I'd seen anywhere

She said...

If you show me yours
Then I'll show you mine
Like a fly I was lured
Into her web of lies
When she said what's mine is yours
So let's compromise
Which seemed to be the cure
For these wanting eyes

She said...

We can get through this
Before it gets to late
I leaned in for a kiss
No need to hesitate
If there was any sort of list
It was one I'd wish to make
We sealed it off with that kiss
With nothing more to say

the whispering
tells me there's a wanting

the whispering
is soft and sincere

the whispering
is a finger held to the lips of a child

the whispering
adds to my fears

the whispering
gives away hidden secrets

the whispering
shows what's soon to be

the whispering
stands on the edge of the shadows

the whispering
keeps haunting me

one fine day
it all came true
like a piece of cake
every i love you
every knowing nod
every gentle nudge
as you count the cost
on every thought of love

one fine day
all the day could do
was to make its way
through its daily loop
with one end up
and one end down
being simple enough
with love around

one fine day
out of the blue
life ran its course
on a whistles tune
on a gravel road
under a quarter moon
to the simple truth
of i love you