i don’t know how to feel
about kayla
wanting an invitation to
my party.
i feel like it all happened so crazily,
how she just dropped me–
but i feel like this is confirmation that she didn’t
willingly drop me.
or frida wanted a friend to come.
either way, k’s message was soo abrupt
and caught me heavily off guard
when out of nowhere
she just sent me that bs text about
“we weren’t that close, anyways, so no problem.”
but i genuinely did want to be her friend.
i worked towards the day til so i could
rightfully
make it better,
and for her to drop me
and have em ghost me just
took me out !!
i’ll see em in the halls,
and she’ll just ignore me,
but either way i still smile at her.
and i did the same
when i caught k looking my way,
so i was just like…
i smiled at her.
what else was i supposed to do ?
i want to be her friend, seriously.
i didn’t put in that much
effort
and time
into it just falling apart before my eyes.
i’m glad frida is on my side, though.
we’re a lot better than we were, before.
i was always mad at her,
but knowing
she defended my case
makes me wanna keep her around,
no matter how much she annoys me.
she told k how em led me on.
and frankly, she did.
for all of october.
she flattered me for three days, and i fell.
the day i met her,
she was already looking at me differently.
and i went to study period that day to make up with kendall,
and she interrupted us,
asking about if “she’d see me after classes”
and i was so excited,
feeling like
she cared for me
because she was
equally
as eager to see me after classes.
and she’d completely spend as much time as she could with me,
talking about nonsense,
but i was happy. i was entertained.
she even made efforts to skip her class
to come see me during lunch,
and she’d let me walk her to class.
and she initiated wanting to walk me to my seventh period,
letting me hold her arm and sshit.
it was so lovey and everything.
she told me not to worry about you,
because “kayla can’t pick my friends.”
so i guess that was part of the reason
i was so disregarding to k in the first place.
she made it
clear to me
that they
were on
a break,
and she wanted to spend time with me.
even going to measures to ignore you
during our study period to talk with me.
to flirt with me,
and she did,
sooo much.
it was the week i had been training for the big pep rally,
and anything i did she practically purred at,
or complimented.
she paid attention to the way i did my hair flips,
cooing at it,
and howling or whatever.
she even rested her hand on my leg, at one point.
and i dunno,
i guess i was just so enamored by her–
that all i wanted to do was catch her attention.
so when i gave her my necklace,
she wore it.
she took off the one that she normally wore
and wore mine.
and we matched.
and finally,
by the end of the week,
she made sure to stand right at the front of the senior class
with all of her stupid friends,
and even you, i think
and she watched me.
i was so excited to have her
eyes on me
while we did that raunchy little dance.
it made me feel amazing.
i almost let her meet my mom.
and after that rally,
she talked me up,
telling me how cute it was
and how funny i looked with my mom up there,
swing dancing.
she said she didn’t know i could dance like that.
and once again,
she came to my lunch period that day,
but it was different.
she gently confronted me about the rumors i had supposedly started
about emely wanting to be more than friends with me,
and frankly, i was talking to my friends–
but only shay, frida and kendall about
how i wanted to be more with her.
and i guess too many people heard,
because people were confronting her.
after classes, we talked,
i walked
her to the door that day
and when i came back
i got comments on how she was checking me out
the whole time i was talking to one of her friends.
and my least favorite but most intimate moment with her
would have to be the stupid trunk or treat.
i hadn’t expected to see her there,
so i didn’t go above and beyond to look absolutely amazing.
and when hannah and i approached her,
we were talking when i think
frida motioned me over and i saw her
and mentally freaked.
iirc, she initiated a hug ‘n everything.
i remember going back to my side of the event to
‘help clean’
but really,
i just wanted a reason to stay back.
and i immediately regretted it.
now, in advance,
i had already heard so much about kayla,
so i was terrified of her.
i made the mistake of not checking my surroundings
and latching onto em
from behind
while k was literally on her shoulder.
i internally freaked out
and regretted it.
i think it was after frida left, when it was just
us,
k,
and a few other kids from spanish club.
right before people started leaving,
em and k had shared the most loving kiss
i had
ever
experienced
happen before my eyes.
i was dead
oblivious
to the fact that you two were back on speaking terms,
so it was a huge punch in the face to see that.
and what’s even more embarrassing,
is that i started crying.
like a lot, too.
i tried to turn around,
but i could still hear you two.
i was so ashamed
to fall for emely
and be completely led on
that i just broke down.
i tried to stop crying,
but emely noticed
and she consoled me.
and she pushed so hard,
and i was so annoyed,
but she insisted on hugging me through it
to help me feel better.
and i even told her.
“no, not now, your girlfriend will see and get mad”
and she told me she didn’t care !!
and even when i didn’t hug her back,
she still kept it up,
all over me,
rubbing my back
and letting me cry in her shirt.
and after you had left,
i had tried to communicate with her about it,
about how
i didn’t know
they were back together
and it hurt my feelings.
em made me feel sooo stupid for it,
making me feel like i was just
being silly.
she was like
“uh, yeah, that’s my girlfriend..”
so i felt sooo dumb.
and i dunno,
we just spent like
ten more minutes out there
of her trying to make me laugh
while she did stupidly charming things
like make me look up at the sunset.
i was genuinely in love with her,
so it hurt me.
badly.
her father had finally arrived at some point,
and my mom wasn’t here yet.
so she offered to stall her dad
and stay back for me
until she knew i was safe,
but i told her i didn’t wanna get her in trouble.
even when she told me she didn’t care,
i still let her go.
it was extremely embarrassing when my mother
did come for me,
and i sobbed in the car.
after that, things kinda fell off.
she stopped wearing my necklace
and got closer to you
while we grew apart,
no matter how much
she says we didn’t.
after i had stopped feeling things for her,
i confessed to her
and she insisted we stay friends,
but politely rejected me.
that’s when things just got 'better.'
but i dunno,
knowing that this is all still going
is offputting to me.
i just wanna see if i can justify my actions.
but it's a little late, yeah ?

sometimes i wonder if emely had feelings for me.
i wonder if they were so deep rooted to where she felt
guilty
for it and kept it all down low
and just didn’t acknowledge it.
because before,
she did things that convinced both me
and other people that she liked me.
that she loved me too.
people tell me i was crazy,
or i was imagining all of these feelings and
it was just infatuation at it’s finest,
but i genuinely love her.
or, did, i guess.
i still do love her,
but in a different way.
i love kayla, too.
so everything is fine.


but really it isn’t.
i try not to think about it,
but what if she still has some sort of
feelings, or
affection for me ?
because as much as i try to forget it
and disregard her,
she still does convincing things
that she
knows
i like.
things that are,
i’ll admit,
the bare minimum,
but she pays attention.
she’s empathetic.
i mean something to her,
and i know i do,
because she’s told me.
she does small things, like
looking me in the eyes when she says goodbye,
and letting her eyes linger on me
until i’m out of sight.
she doesn’t like touch,
but she knows i’m a touchy person,
so when i leave,
she makes an effort to lay a hand on me,
and whether that’s
poking my cheek, or
caressing my shoulder,
she still does something.
she used to do this thing,
before kayla
started walking frida to class,
where she’d drop frida off
at the door,
wave her goodbye,
and reach out and grab my hand while i was walking away.
and each time,
i’d hold it back,
and tell her
“bye, em ! i love you !”
and even though
she never says it back,
i know she wants to.
i can see it in her eyes,
and the day she says i love you back,
is the day my heart will have closure.
when she holds my hand,
i walk away
and it reminds me that i almost had her.
i almost did.
but she’s taken away from my grasp,
just out of reach,
like a star. sososo far,
but so close.
close enough to touch,
just never
close enough to keep.
it hurts, i’ll admit,
but i won’t do anything about it.
i don’t have feelings for her anymore.
but for a moment there,
she reminded me of bella.
she reminded me that love was
worth it, and
fulfilling my feelings
was worth living for.
i adore her and i love her.
even if i can’t the way i used to.