what do I do
when the boy I love
wants nothing more than a ****
and I'm not ballsy enough to say no
he won't love me if I say no
but he probably won't love me anyway
what do I do
when I've fallen for a boy
who doesn't love me back
no matter what he says in the dark
what do I say to him
when he asks me for a hug
but when I said no the first time
I felt like crying
because all I want is his arms wrapped around me
what do I do
when the boy I love
is using me
for god knows what
and I'm too stupid to say no
but too smart to let him
what do I say
to the boy who almost
broke my heart
but is keeping it tied together just enough
for my love to grow
what do I do
when all I want is to be happy
but the pain won't ******* go away
and I want to cut it out of me
but I can't do that because I'm not drunk enough
just sad and tipsy
and what do I do
when this almost confession of love
is basically a cry for help
and I want nothing more
than for you to read this
but honestly
I'm too scared
you'll reject this too

at night I dream
I dream and remember all of the things you said
and how they never meant a **** thing
I dream of moments
the times I felt so close to you
and now we never even speak

at night I dream
I dream of happier times when I didn't have to stay up all night
crying because I can't even tolerate my own skin
I dream of portraits
in bright colours and laughter
because that's how it felt back in the day

at night I dream
I dream that the sky will open up and take me
because looking down will make me realise
how nothing really matters
I dream of someone
someone loving me but even that
feels too far fetched

at night I dream
I dream of sunsets on the horizon
and drinking so much cheap wine I can barely stand
I dream that I forgot
all of the bad things and replaced them with good
so I can keep my skin safe

at night I dream
I dream of a hurricane to take me away
to somewhere better and brighter with much more love
I dream of my future
a future that's so bright and bold
that I forget we never speak

alone I sit
on the ground next to the broken glass bottle I smashed
whilst trying to make sense of the emptiness creeping
inside my veins
I don't understand why this pain never goes away unless
I drink and smoke myself
half to death
and even then
it's only a different kind of sadness
I try to remain calm
but the darkness I feel is only half of the story
smothering my dreams with
frowning faces
and people having a great
*******
time
whilst I sit out
because I'm too scared of rejection to even bother trying
and even when I have a 'good day'
it's like I'm trying too hard to feel anything
that I never seem to have a good time after all
I know this seems selfish
and every time I complain or cry I feel like I'm taking the one life I have for granted
but I'd give literally
anything
to feel like a person just one more time
because I'm constantly either just on the edge of reality
looking back on myself like a memory
picking myself apart at the seams
my flaws illuminated in the sky of my mind
for everyone to see
my mistakes tenfold
and bigger than they should be
mentally kicking myself after everything I say and do
or I'm too involved
feeling the fake laughs ripple through my body
seeing the smile
melt off my face
drenching myself in my disappointment
I constantly try to convince myself that I'm normal
but every time I even come close to positive emotions
my mind rejects them the only way it knows how
and every time the emotions are negative
the curtain rod and the light shade look inviting
and the razor in the bathroom and the cheap ***** on the shelf
become my best friends
clutching onto reality
the way I taught myself
all those years ago

we are the wallflowers
sitting on the side lines watching the world
with our dull eyes and hollow hearts
keeping a steady gaze on one another
waiting for the other to make the first move
we find each other out of
nowhere
suddenly we can't live without our personal brand of ******
addicted to the loneliness
of being together
we scream sad songs about lost love
at the top of our lungs
relating to every word but pretending to be ironic
waiting
for someone like us to understand
like a cry for help into the void
clutching onto straws falling out of our hands
popping pills every morning to help us feel alive
but grasping onto reality has never been harder
we hold hands in the night
and the cold breeze tells us to go home
but we never do
because being alone with someone like you
has never felt so good