No industrious,
Sedulous
Worker ant slaving
I just deride hive-minded
Throngs and mobs
Paving
The way
For a more supreme order
Since discontent rules
And the truth’s
A reporter’s
Opinion
Dominion
Still supersedes fact
What is that?
But I know
What you don’t,
And that’s that

It will still always be there
The sorrow incarnate
Explaining it would take
As long,
Disregard it
Forget it
Just let it
Come to its conclusion
The you and me
Romanticizing
Illusion
Or mostly me
Selfishly
Leading to ruin
What good ever happens
To dare I say love
Reveal itself to be
Still not quite enough

Just wanted to go
Through the time flow with you
When it was more convenient
To let it resume
At a later date
Procrastinating
What fate
Might have preordained  
Only in movies
Afraid
It so seldom transpires
Or seems to unfold
Quite the same
Way, astray
Is with whom I grow old

And now I get angry
There’s no one to save me
Can’t make me be happy
I might as well stake
My heart through
Love is blue
Each attempt,
A mistake
And you knew
Going into it
Sooner than late
It would break,
Fall apart,
Or deteriorate
As it has
Now diminished
To here we are finished
With you
And with me
All my flaws
Insurmountable
Just a lost cause
For the fallout
Accountable
Doubt permeated
My brain
And unmade it
Created estrangement between us
And bade it
To hating what we couldn’t change
Or rephrase
In a more perfect way
Than just from our lives fade

One in a billion
Awaiting out there
But I’m certain
In that many years
Can’t compare
To the healing
You were
My affliction, despair
I was barely beginning
To finally care
About what in the world
Wasn’t just me aware
Of your rarity,
Verity
Taken for granted
How much you were there with me
There when I
Ranted
Recanted,
Commanded attention
And by you enchanted
Enamored I guess
Without saying the word
Thought it best
To be best of friends,
Not bridges burned

Take all of my childhood trauma,
Distress
And the rest that I earned
In the vast emptiness
Of a world
We’ve both seen
Diametrically skewed
By the you and I
Have to get back
To renew
This connection,
This bond,
This innate
Journey on
I just took it for granted
And now you are gone
Perhaps even for good
This time, really
You should
Try to help me no more,
You want more
Than I could
Hope to fix,
Ever change,
I’m the same
Sad abyss
That I was when I found you
The sound of you bound
Me to now have to her
Revolving around

Outrunning even
Wraiths on wings
Headlong into
The battle brings
The wizard back
To task
Complete
The sleekest steed
Whose fleeting streak
Inspires awe
In noble
And meager alike
Alight he charges
Into night
Against the forces
Sent to claim
The kingdoms free
Of Mordor’s chain
And unrelenting
Charges on
Throughout the ages
In this song

Promising leads
On a path into middle class
Comfort and ease
In addition to burdens
It seems to relieve
Would be nice
Not to worry
Just constantly hurry
Through tasks,
Obligations,
Demands it entails
Make myself of some use,
Lessen others’ travails
Promote global affairs
And take care
To be wary
Of how my impact
Can be made
While still keeping
The world peace in tact

Friends come to conflict
More often than norm
Agitated with ease
Merely from
Being bored
Self-absorbed
In the day goes by
Nothing change brain
Draining out
As it preoccupies
Its inane
Inclination
To waste its own time
But what better use of it
Than live off the dime
Of the government’s
Money
Least partially mine
A leech parsing through slime
I’m just making my way in the world
Going buy

Just ask you provide me
The means
To subsist
A sufficient
And dignified
Living
Exist
Not persist in the bill-paying,
Tax-collect
Fraud
Just a scam away,
One bad day
Further from God
Journey on
To convince
It is somewhere out there
Haven’t seen it though
Since
I was all too aware
Of the manic depression
Inherent in bio’s fears
Warping dimension
Mind-bending this lucid sphere
Shaper’s intention
Must be in this state  
Only madness makes sense
I just do it
And write it
With more eloquence

Playing phone games
For a living
Just giving
Up trying
To be
A professional villain
Or willing to power
Mad-driven ambition
Spend all day alone
Or unconsciously wishing
To not wake again
And go peacefully
Deep in some dream
In the end
I was never intended
To make it through
This
Don’t exist
Don’t belong
Dismalest
Nothingness

Who really cares
Enough to
Follow through
Or to start over
When the year changes
To new
Think you could,
But just won’t
Know you should,
But still don’t
So then why
Even try
To convince yourself
Otherwise?

Basket case
Waste of space
Nobody loves me
Not wanted,
Not needed,
No gods up above me
Just waiting around
For the better to worsen
Can’t do hookup culture,
Would rather in person
Don’t want to be laboring,
Toiling away
No careers or professions
Appeal to allay
Unassuageable
Dissatisfaction malaise
And the qualms that I have
With consuming to gain
Anymore than I need
To politely refrain
From engaging behaviors
That only attain
Me a pay to play
Game of life
Simulation

I still keep the peace
But at times
I disturb it
Since often it feels
It is best
To unlearn it
Return to a less civilized
State of mind
And just take
What I need
From the one in decline
Currently
It seems easy
Enough to collect
On my unemployed intellect’s
Sustenance check
That without it
Deprived
I would live in the wild
Estranged from the system
In hungry exile
But no,
Not again,
Can’t contend the sovereign
So instead I depend
On its to survive
Spend

Reading so much of it
Mine is inadequate
Even my more adored,
Said before
Better
By others
Precisely
Perfecting each letter
Intended to mean
Subjectivity
Intricate
Simplicity
But regardless of brevity
Nonetheless fails
To convey
What I really would like to feel
To no avail

Lean up against the wall
And wait
Someone will be along
To state
Sooner or later
What they make
Themselves appear to be
Awake
But I’m aware
The only one
Who’s really in here
Having fun

Yearn to be back
In the vast expanse
Questing
Adventure still beckons
But more second guessing
The longer I stay
In this place of stagnation
That keeps me at pay
Levels meager
But somewhat acceptable
More than I’d make
As a vagabond spectacle

But that’s just it
You know
I go
Around the town pretending  
That there’s any other girl out there
I could imagine ending
This disgusting
Hollow shell of life for
No more sorrow to incite for
Violence, we want peace I know
But none will ever let it show
The way I did
And could
With you
The guy who knows about the feud
But only covets more of you
And he together
Words ensue
Organically in my dementia
So much left to tell you
Never
Can I have the days return
So much left
Us both to learn
But please forget me
Leave me gone
I fear that I must
Die alone
Don’t answer me
It helps to flee
So far away from
Happily
Conclusions that we’re both aware
Would only make us
More despair
I wasn’t perfect in the least
You weren’t some too easy beast
I broke just like the others
How?
Were you before them
And still now?

Would appear
They take liking
To ones about writing
The most
But I don’t mean to boast
Of my scribing
Capacities
Lyrical rhapsodies
Nothing like that
I just type what comes naturally
Try to keep track
And reflect back upon
Who I was yesterday
So in years from now
Both of us know
How I changed

Am I just bitterness
Unfulfilled
Discontentedness
Restless
And anxious
Just want to escape this
Perpetual do-over day
None to blame
But myself
For this dismal, morose,
Woe is me
Soul decay
Which I know to say sounds
Like a lousy clichè
Not the writer’s expressive
Quintessence
Expected
From one such as I
Am by others rejected
Insect among tachyons
God among atom bombs
Nothing else left
Except left-leaning martyrdom
And whom I long
To behold at least once
More before
I return
To this ongoing war with
What keeps me from her

Be right back
Stealing Christmas
Real quick
I’ll be swift
As a flash
Not a light I’ll let flicker
On trees turned to ash
And I’ll stash the cache deep
In my cavernous lair
And it’s there it will keep
Until I reappear
In the new year
To do it all over again
Upend every tradition
And dollar you spend
On material sentiment
Commodified
As this luxury fetishized  
Marketize lie

Opportunity knocks
An incentive to write
Otherwise
It’s just normally
How I do life
Never needed a reason
Or rhyme
To break even
And I never coveted profit
Receiving
For what I’d prefer to be shared
Just like this
A communal experience
Still penniless

It’s days that go by
I’m left wondering why
I thought living without you
I even could try
To pretend I don’t need you
Don’t see you now writing
Your likeness instilled
In my gloomy moonlighting
As some independent
Erstwhile
In-lover
With you it was always
Just being each other
But I was still lonely
Somehow
Didn’t hold you
As long as I could
Should’ve told you the words
Maybe you never would
For at best
It was care for you deeply
I feel
And trust me
I felt it too
Good to be real

Inspired
Beguiled
Amused
And perplexed
By the myriad nature scapes
I have witnessed
In my search for more wandering
Aimlessly pondering
How to make sense
Of such magnificence
And with eloquence
Write how it never relents
In bewildering
Vividly I reminisce
What it felt like to bask
In the thralls
Of sublime
And if only more people
Could see it as I

Could see myself
Running through parks
In Manhattan
By night
Socialite
And conversing in Latin
With fancy elitists
And artists replete with
A repertoire of
The fine-dining wines piquant  
Complete with
The upper class clubs
We would frequent
In decadent bliss
Cosmopolitan vogue
Within inner circles
Of hell we’d collogue

Been good this year?
More like
Just doing my best
Not to be
Such a wretch,
Make a mess of what’s left
Of the life I aspired to
Like the admired few
Heroes who tried
To revise
Askew worldly view
Misers surmising
It must be a matter
Of fact compromising
For lies we can all
Acquiesce
More or less to
Relying upon
How to live in the present tense
Already gone
How to make it
Make sense
How to fill in the emptiness
Gaps in impermanence
Must be a missing link
In what the past
And its class struggle teaches
In order to pass

Something to add?
Do you have
More to say?
Then I welcome you
Out with it
Do not delay
For tomorrow
Not guaranteed
But I’m assured  
That you will not recall it
Down to the right word
And the way that you’d state
To articulate
Properly
Settling now
For just saying it sloppily
That’s why I write it instead
In my head
And preserve it precisely
As what I intend

Clicking send over
And over
Again
Application submission
Position
Depends
On how much
Inexperience
They can accept
From an overly
Educated
Kid inept
In the middle class cubicle
Circle of hell
Or I guess purgatory
Awaiting its knell

Don’t repeat myself often
Dramatic effect
I don’t let
Get the best of me
Seldom upset
At least visibly
Not predisposed
To be vulnerable
But when I do
Often find
It is memorable
Cordial conversing
Divulging
More personal
No more rehearsing
Accepted vernacular
Just speak your mind
But be kind
Be empathic
And make flowing naturally
More force of habit

Admittedly dwell
On that first fateful night
You attracted my metal
With your magnetite
And in hindsight
The last time
The two of us might
Have been more
Than apart
Equal halves of one heart
But then after
Could never go back
To the start
For from there it was all
This is real,
I mean really,
I think that I love you
You have to believe me

But I just consume them
Not sure of the science
Behind it
Just know
That they offer me
Spiritual guidance
Reliance
I can’t say
Upon them depend
I just like how it feels
To my ego
Suspend
And upending
The preconceived notions is fun
My ineptitudes
Most uncouth
Weirdness
Becomes
An invaluable asset
A tingling sensation,
A spree
Of the glee
I am me
Revelation

Warm days receding
This could be the last
One we have
Before winter
Makes gray the sky vast
And it casts such a pall
Of embittered frostbite
Like a knife
The chills spitefully
Razor sharp blight
Vegetation life signs
And what’s left of mine
Frigid
The skin sticks to bone
In unbendingly rigid
Intractable, uncompromising
Position
Opposed to what changes I’m told
I must make
Like the seasons
Defiant
But still in time’s wake
Can’t escape state of nature
The way they were born
Can’t outpace decay rates
In my more human form

Suppose it’s not really
Intended
My life
In suspended
Not meant to be
Rife with such plight
And by night
I think only
Of dreading awaking
I feel only painstaking
Time slowly wasting
But quick is the day
Dismal in its dismay
And I only see color
In colorless gray
And replaying the same
Angry songs
On repeat
As I work myself
Famished
To earn what I eat
Keeping on
Sleeping on
What I’d rather be doing
With you
But that ship has sailed
Leaving me ruing
The few, but still ruinous
Tragic mistakes
I have made
But won’t make
Anymore
For your sake

Something from nothing
Impossible is it?
Then pray tell explain
The response I elicit
From words I have written
Must first be evoked
To convey what the vision
Is meant to denote
Even spoken,
It’s taken
From something else
Making
More sense if you
Don’t overthink
Its immense
Eloquence
Is my genesis
Ours could be
Anything we conceive
It comes that naturally

I’m aware I’m depressed
All too vividly so
Could describe it right now
But I doubt you would know
What it’s like
To be wholly
Consisted of woe
When you deal in the rest of your life
Absolutes
I see only the nevermore earth
It pollutes
When you subtly
Smother me
In my misfortune
I seek more of hunger’s
Diminutive portion
When all my hypocrisy
Leaves me exposed
I still seal it
And send it
In letters enclosed
In enveloping wallowing
In inequality
No justice, just
Guillotines to the policy
Peace
Is my least resist path
To the polity’s
Most extreme dream
Of utopian poverty
Calling me back
To the front once again
Where the trenches of mind
Can inspire the pen
To be brave for you
Soldiering on
For the cause,
For the left,
The young restless,
Eternal outlaws
Like an instinct
A feeling
To be more than man
So I guess, answer’s yes
I’m depressed
That I can

Not the faintest idea
Why I’m here
What is clear
Is I am
Theoretically real
So I hear
But I fear
I would rather
Sometimes disappear
Or just fade
Into ethers pervade
Dematerialize
And again be remade  
Like that time
I transmogrified
Couldn’t decide
Between living
As me
Or he already died

The worsening odds
I will ever attain
What evades
And eludes
To this day
Can’t explain
It was something like
Why even try
To be good
To aspire to more
Than I probably should
When defeat
And let down
In foreboding
Portend
The six feet underground
Can’t come soon enough
End

This could be it
I was already leaning
Out over the edge
Of devoid of all meaning
And hope before merely
A word that was spoken
What once I held dearly
Had long ago broken
A ghost in the most
Morose host
I was lost
Since I drew my first breath
Of fresh air
Has a cost
And tossed out
In a cruel, unforgiving world
Yearned
To return
Just to leave again,
More left to learn
But approaching it now
Tantalizingly close
It recedes like one does
In a drug overdose

Leave it to me to let
You down again
Then pretend that the problems
Don’t come from within
For I’ve been
Out of body
Outside looking in
And I viewed this flesh vessel
Absolved of all sin
So it couldn’t be such
An infallible form
Without agency over
Responsible for
It’s not me,
Must be you
Didn’t choose to be this
Didn’t ask to be born
Barely want to exist
And it only makes sense
When oblivious bliss
Pleads the fifth
When confronted about
All the crimes
I commit

If each one was a masterpiece
Maybe they’d remedy
My lack of lover
And others would envy me
But this inherent
Connection to writing
Is not some poetic
Endeavor I’m trying
To dominate,
Propagate
Sell out and leave
To the plagiarists to
Pretend they
Can conceive

Am I not just a spritely
Vivacious sun beam
The alacrity’s
Most effervescence
You’ve seen
Oh but no, I’m so sad
Only glad for a minute
Then gone just as fleetingly
All joy diminished
By cannot escape’s
Crushing grasp
Of despair
What is there to be smiling about?
And why care?

Consigned to the trash heap
Of history stained
By your vain attempts to
Resurrect its blood shame
Assert claims
Of peremptory
Right to rule
Break
Any law you see fit
Can’t admit
Your mistakes
And I’d stake any shred
Of what dignity’s LEFT
In this laughing stock mockery
Country
By theft
You inherited,
Plundered your tax haven wealth
From the same people
You’re still depriving
Of health
Go to hell
Don’t return
You can burn all you want
With your fire and fury taunt,
Narcissist vaunt
Flaunting as the undaunted
Proud Boy’s commandant
Nonchalantly don cloaks
Of the ghosts
That still haunt
Like Levant false messiah’s  
Disguised as Mein Kampf
But of course it’s just China’s
New World worker’s comp
Weaponizing infectious
Investment detente
That’s the hoax,
That’s all folks,
Merely Putin’s savant
Useful idiot
Still stuffing snakes in the swamp
Hope you rot
Like, a lot
And forgotten in time
We remind ourselves why
You arrived on the scene
To steal one more show
Selfish
American Dream

Have to make it somewhere
Soon
I’m going crazy
In my room
Could do it all the same
Each day
But rather run
So far away
Before what out there
Goes unseen
And I am stuck here
In between
Decaying, old and gray
And youth
Still clutching onto
Half the truth

Try to be better
About being worse
Off alone,
Predisposed
To around the world roam
To be homeless sometimes
To remind me it’s real
The inherent strife
Clinging to life
As I feel
Like succumbing to numbness
To turn it all off
Shut it out
And in doubt
At your faithfulness scoff

Cease to exist
Sounds much better than death
What the hell is left
Even to do
But regret
Or reflect I mean
You know,
Keep thinking
Could be
Or what could have been
Had I been
Internally
Set to leap
Into ready
As I’ll never need
The profession
Successes
The 1st world excesses
Unrest
In the rest of its
Climatic messes
Just nest with me here
For a little bit longer
Just sit with me,
Hear
In my heart
The warmonger

What to be grateful for,
Thankful for
Oh, I don’t know
I guess life’s not so bad,
Not so drab,
I suppose
There is much to appreciate
Right,
Happy place
With a sumptuous feast,
Elite eastern coast waste
Guess I could’ve been born
To the Neo-World colonies,
Roanoke winters,
Or scorching earth policies
Donner parties,
Autocratic regimes,
Or some lesser known creature’s
Inferior genes
In extremes of extinguished
Existence exposed
To the homelessness
Hope itself
Henceforth foreclosed
To the could’ve been sired
By mired in dire
Straights shot
By the cops
In the ceaseless crossfire
Conspiring to topple
The evil empire
With nothing else left to lose
Her most of all
So I guess I give thanks
It is not that awful

Thought when I finally wrote
Thousands of these
Maybe one
Would become
More than sad elegies
Just exigencies
Urging the reader to grieve
To relieve me of my
Wish to die
Peacefully
Or to take them with me
Like a suicide cult
Then in next level
Reincarnations
Exult

Learned of the legend
Himself,
He was flawed
Hateful slurs had occured
But his words
I’d applaud
And in many ways
Seemed to be eerily
Similar
Sinister, twisted mind rhymes
Were his signature
Like me obsessed
With macabre morbidity,
Likely depressed,
Powerless
In frigidity  
Night terrors
Haunted him into
Infinity
Even though he
More voraciously wrote
Of Cthulhu calamities
Ending all hope
I think I’ve gotten closer
To suicide note

Got drunk and I wandered home
Aimlessly aiming
To full speed ahead
Into oncoming training
Myself to be better
Than more walk of shaming
Then blaming my lack of refraining
On some
Inability to
Feel again
More than numb