Bereavement
Without even
Reason to grieve
You’re still there,
Or somewhere
But now you get to leave
When you want
And I need
The lifeline
To the other side
Love is just greed
Soon enough
You’re with me
Then you’re my
Property
What I’d fight to retain with
In security  
So align with some other landlord
And be claimed
Just remember above it all’s
Where we once reigned

It depends
Do you see me
Was I even there
Did I stare in your eyes
Was the us
Self-aware
She was barely yet
Part of my history when
In your presence
My prescience was breaking even
In lucidity
Clarity,
Humanist
Parity
Hope for the future
The some day ideal
But like it
In the now
Had to doubt
I was real

I felt solace with you
Not some happiness lie
It’s when old friends return
I’m reminded of why
I am smart,
A good person
You seemed to agree
Hold my own in contempt
But still think we were free
To be anything
More than just
Pre-destiny
Or enamored with ego
Attachment compels
Us to think ourselves more
Than a pile of cells

There’s people right?
They eat a lot
Consumer culture
Juggernaut
Robotic in
Its can’t be stopped
Until the systems that have propped
Up profit’s
Propaganda plot
Are toppled on the chopping block
And left to rot,
The numbers drop
Like cold steel blight’s
Unyielding crop
And forged within the melting ***
An apex adaptation-wrought
Existence species
Dispossessed
Suppressed no more,
The hungriest

Just saying my friends and I
Were the first virus
Still plaguing empires
And toppling tyrants,
You don’t want us here
We don’t care
We’re the highest
First contact-race
Social contract rippin’ state
Nature acculturated
To status update
And we bring the fierce left
Intellect
And checkmate
With the room spinning,
Keep winning
Any debate
Acclimate to invasive species
And evolve
To make us more diverse
And complex
Problems solve
Or just ponder
And wonder
How it could be better
Together
And weather the storm
Surging pressure
Unfettered

All it cost was the solace
I thought that it would
Have brought, sought out the flawless
One’s good personhood
When you asked me decisions I make,
My mistakes
Were to do this alone
Before both of us breaks
The idea of it
More than enough
But it lacked
The surreal admit
It must be love
To impact
Two phenomenon lives
Out of nowhere
Collides
As if muses and fates
Meant them to
Harmonize
For I still hear your voice
In the back of my head
But then why was my choice
To be better off dead?
Only logic
Conclusive deduction
I reach
You were strong,
I was weak
Insecurity freak
And from peaks of my mind
To the depths of my soul
In totality finalized
Just let her go

This isn’t so bad
When we hear what we read
But I still want to speak to you
Love you and leave
You know me
Always running
Away from the conflict
But seeking it out
Like a wannabe convict
I’m on to the next
Best political tact
To be one with the people,
Methodically act  
Like I own the place
Homeless
Or housed in a hopeless
Rich fortress of decadence
My magnum opus
Is penned either way
And each night to you gifted
A piece of the me that day
Puzzle unscripted

Edit another flawed paper
Assignment
Resigned to the might as well
Profit from my
Acute eye for revising
Young writers’ hands guiding  
Surprising what some
Often feel like confiding

Obsess over stressing less
Under duress
Like necrosis relentlessly
Rotting my flesh
When appearances
Have to impress
And express
The exact opposite
Of the unhappiness
Ugliness
Beast within
An abomination
Imperfection abounds
On his blemishing skin
Seldom seen
But still beauty  
Bemoans self-esteem
Low beholding
Its movie’s
Illusory dream

Who would indulge me
A read through
Tonight
Much like everyone
I wish
You’d like what I write
To feel socially valid
Compose you a ballad
Appeal to your tastes
Satiate
Picky palates
Just need
You to tell me
It’s not even good
So I know that you care
Or if I
Even should

This is weird no?
I take it,
You don’t want to fake it
But have better things
To be doing
Than making
Me try to feel less
So alone
For so many
Days home
I was solely
Without you already
And though we’ve been further apart
In the past
There was just let you go
Or we’ll grow up too fast
At least once before
Can’t lead you on anymore,
Can’t eventually bore you,
We’re born to explore
And I knew one of your
Adventure
Caliber
Couldn’t wait idly by
And be my
Passenger
Like ambassadors
We represented conventions
Too grand in their narrative scale
Comprehensions
To ever let ours
So submissively sit,
Ponder it,
Then commit
To the lack of Movement

You think I do anything else
But remember
The way that it felt
When we would
Speak together
I don’t
Just in case
You were wondering
Won’t
Even waste
Precious time
To begrudgingly vote
When to hope
It gets better
Would be a pretense
Disingenuous
Lie to myself
Vain attempts
To still try to impress
You with what you do
Best
Because yes
To transgression
I still acquiesce

But you must see the signs,
Kindly just take a look
All semantics aside
Lines inside of this book
That you don’t necessarily
Read in between
To define nonetheless
What it actually means

Felt excluded today
From the show vote
Tradition
But lately I’ve been
So estranged from the system
I’ve tried to believe in,
To serve,
Perhaps lead
By example
But all I am answered with
Seems to be greed

Demons and drudgery
Goblin skullduggery
Monday curmudgeonly
Wake to dismay
Have to wait
For another weekend
To complain
To carouse
And impart
What I can not explain
In a text
To the me
Reading back
In the future
When I loop it back
Like a needle thread suture
To mend open wounds
And remind me of times
I was still bleeding out
These palliative rhymes

Might write something wicked
Right now
On the verge
Of collapsing,
Amassing within
Irrepressible urge
To emerge from this
Self-imposed sinking
Submission
The give up, give in
Not worth living
When missing
The hope that provided
A reason to wake
To still strive
For the next
Everlasting heartbreak

Need some kind of change soon
Of scene or of pace
Can’t erase her
Each day
Spent without her
A waste
But I doubt that she cares
Anymore
Though once did
A few lifetimes ago
I was uh,
Different kid

Unruly young dragon,
Recalcitrant, sneers
Disobeys,
Breathing flames
In sheer rage perseveres
On outstretched wings displays
His magnificence,
Marvelous, mighty
Indifference
Impudence
Not so incredulous when
Still untamed he has tempered
His vain fire spin
In ascendency
Soars,
Striking fear when he roars
Indomitable
Kanto kid’s king
Dinosaur

Almost got started
Priority-setting
But much more preferred
The spontaneous dreading
Each second it isn’t
According to plan
By how much I have learned
But still don’t understand
Everyone is so happy
In same day stagnation
Don’t dare deviate from the path
To salvation
Just wait
It gets better
Before ever worse
We can think and feel pain
It’s a gift not a curse
To be lonely
The only known creature
Aware
It is solely  
The lowliest
Medium rare

Pathetic without you,
Whole part of me’s missing
Its multiple others
Not there to begin with
Consuming me
From the inside
And then out
I project insecure,
Retrospectively doubt
I was ever assured
Hurting you could feel good
When I knew all along
Only freeing you would
From my radical chains
To your practical change
Make my narcissist
Two-faceless ego
Estranged  
From you there in the meadow
My shadow outcast
In its final act’s
Spinal trap
Last goodbye
Flash

Possibly real
Only makes it uncertain
But go to your graves
So convinced it is worth it
To offer the answer
Without questions posed
To phenomenon
Miracles
Nobody knows
Is humility’s
Most devout
Discipline mission
To see all belief
Not an act of submission
But rather
What matters  
Is just superstition
So listen to voices of gods  
Not religions

Out in the woods
No one knows
Where the road goes,
Go any further
To find
You don’t either,
Just sit and stare
Mesmerized
By the fire
The other side
Crawling with mischievous nymphs
Seductress
In the silence
I court the abyss

Distance is calling again
Journey on
Can’t be home for too long
Without want to be gone
But I cannot escape
Simultaneous waiting
Anticipating
The just meet someone dating
The app happenstance
Serendipitous disconnect
Spent the whole night
Imperfecting the intellect
Improbable as it seems
To improve
My impending doom
Imminent
Maggot food mood

Stumped tonight
Watching this endless debate
Candidates are still rated
On who can berate
Moderators the least
And opponents the most,
When really both still don
The cloak of the ghost

Don’t go despairing
Young man,
Better smile
The grownups can’t have your angst
Turning hostile
So vie for authority
Feigning servile
And one day soon
Someday
Return from exile
Beguiling the voters now
Sowing suspicion
Like seeds
In your third
Underworld
Mercy mission

Tread the fallen leaf trail
Of no avail, my cares disband
And like an unrelenting gale
Exhale
As my adrenal gland
Expands, secretes
A fervent surge
Emergent forward
Motion urge
A dirge of shrieking madness purges
Toxin sweaty streaming sheen
The thin veneer constricts the skin
But cools it to the touch of crisp
And briskly wispy  
Autumn’s kiss
Like whiskey I’m besotted by
The heady high,
The dizzy sky,
The halcyon
Todays gone by

Is there really dark erasure
I the maker
Closing in
Expanding outward
Always going
‘Round in circles
As I spin
Be it the room
And wall enclosure  
Or beholden
To the thralls
Of an enormity
Eternity
Upon me night befalls
And in the nothingness
I thrive
My pride in consciousness
Alive
And with these words
Preserve the cycle
Of the die again revive

But it has to be part of the story
The journey
The squandered and lost minutes
Never returning
Reverting won’t make it
Reverse
Or restore
And the remonstrance
Won’t end
The internal war
So be peace
I’d advise
As an agent of both‘s
Can’t decide
Which demise
I believe in the most

Right now I see
Robotic algorithms
In my head
Become the down to earth
We dead
Don’t talk
Don’t try to look
The bar story’s to inferior
Who?
Let it get to this
Though not alone
Just in ways
You would never
Submit to my throne

Leave it to me
Let me write what you need
I could feed you on barely enough
Left to eat
Or on dollars a day
Make it one way
Or other
Provide for you
Luxury’s
Status wealth lover
But little else I
Could imagine
We’d want
But I bet at least some
Impish trinket
Would taunt
Us to selling out vision
For dead inside living
Be happy,
Be housed
Have a feast on Thanksgiving

Check your ego at the door
Your comfort zone is furthermore
Enclosed, exposed, yet still expands
Encompassing extensive spans
Of new frontier’s unsettled other
Realms you have yet to discover
Fresh perspectives, innovation
To the single mind equation
Questions previously asked
But answered by a silence masked
By you alone to dread exist
Confirming biases persist
The never wrong unchallenged me
So suddenly, thinks differently

Forget who I am
Almost instantly,
Daily
It’s like
I’m still trying to find
Who it made me
This life
And this world
And I guess you could say
All the faces
Appearing in dreams
I replay
Although never can seem
To recall
Much at all
Of how setting hopes high
Can’t deny
The downfall,
The inexorable
Out of time,
Soon forgotten
By sooner or later’s
More favorable coffin
Where even my
Identity  
Can get lost in
The jungles of
Reality
All too often

Each day that I spent
Was with you
A portent,
A momentous occasion
To love
Or lament
But I never meant
For it to turn
Into neither
Expected to yearn
Like a stern disbeliever
Eventually,
Prophecy
Still self-fulfilling
Except now I know
I was not as unwilling
To let you go,
Let it be
As I led on
Couldn’t quite live without you
Yet here you are
Gone

No sun today
Only the rain
And the way
Friends explain themselves
Never more sure I’d refrain
From attempting to delve
Into whomst is the smartest
Aspiring artist
Critiquing creationist
Brilliance
The darkest

Not quite an impediment,
Seldom a detriment
Just a self-conscious
Propensity to
Pensively reconsider
Each word that I choose
Like anomic aphasia
But undiagnosed
When I can’t comprehend
Even thought’s innermost
Best syntactic formation
Dictates fluctuation
And makes me some ramble-on,
Scrambling to find
What I even intended to say
Half the time
And then oh!
There it is
Where I’m going with this
Yes a piece about speech
And the topics it shifts

An infinite formless
Creator created
Some other life forms
When in loneliness, waited
For some mass extinction
Eventful occurrence,
A happening,
Anything,
Purpose in service
To what it had made
Given way
To be free
Though for all its omniscience
Couldn’t foresee
What it would come to be
How apart from the one
Its posterity’s
Prodigal son
Would become

Take a life
Do it
Just try to construe it
Who knew that it would be so difficult
To
See the mutual mind
Staring right back at you
But it isn’t as grave
Unconditional playing
Of gods and redeemers
If they aren’t praying

More time elapses
The moving on fastens
Its buckle up for the ride
Passing back flashes
By in a day blurring
Away in senescence
The youth in decay
Instant joy’s evanescence

Don’t mean to hide it
Preferring to write it
By night
And by day
I would rather recite it
To anyone willing to listen,
Amused
Curious to decipher
The rhymes that I choose
As the interview
Then can ensue
And resume
The perpetual ego feedback
Loop-de-loop
Nom de plume
Just the guise I assume
Is the one that they want
Although not necessarily
In the right font
But as daunting
As being
Some other non-poet
Can be
I just try to be free
To if prompted to
Show it

Exhaustion
Not often
My intimate friend
Yet still sleeping on novels
I haven’t yet penned
Too dependent
On preoccupied
Idle mind
With prosaic distractions
I seldom rewind
To reflect back upon
Or retain
The main point
I’m just getting through life
And each night
At this point

Been negligent lately
Of nature’s
Sign’s vital
As I allow devils
To dance in my idle
Mind’s eye’s
Broken hearted
Aberrant nightmare
Can’t repair
What the rest of the world
Doesn’t care to despair
So I work on myself
But it’s such an odd job
And exorbitant wealth
Would just make me a fraud
If I nonetheless
Don’t address
Global crises
Just repress,
And regress
Back to go overseas

Was she there
Or just barely
What’s left of my memory
Filtered fragments
Of forbidden serenity
Speaking to me
Seems to be
Interested
But of course is too taken
By overprivileged
As am I
Don’t deny
What I have
Others don’t
But I’d give it all up
To but say
What she won’t
But she did
Just a bit
Kind of talk to me
Sort of
And was the same girl in 4th grade
That I thought of

And then the impending
Defensive maneuvers
The people I meet on the ground
As intruders
Are suddenly welcoming
Heightened of sense
Intellect, kids I haven’t seen since
I was drenched
In immensities
Too difficult
To control
Then I see her again
And I know
Who I am
Who I was
Isn’t was
Who she now
Didn’t plan

Practice living each day
Like you’re already dying
And maybe by night
Only slight
Suiciding
Ensues for you
Newly embracing the path
Or perhaps
Just forsaking its
Constant backtrack

This grinding through life
Can’t be right or wrong
Might be
A place to belong
A swan song
To entice me,
To beckon me on
To some bittersweet end
With a countless day’s unwritten message  
To send
Me off silently,
Better come quietly,
While she
Never again
In her deep secret files me

Doesn’t have to be
Merely
The misery
Imagery
Maybe
If I didn’t squander
Affection,
Each obvious sign
She was down with depression
I wouldn’t be so
******* sad anymore
And this illness I feel
Wouldn’t mentally bore
Me to tears
In the fabric
Of really sincerely
Too much I regret
Only now seeing clearly

Start a new job
All your problems are solved
Earn a piece of that happiness
Everyone loves
But I’m not even tired
Just mired
In angst
Yet the apathy
Still pulls
Its victimless pranks

My last bastion dead to me
Friends seldom mention me
In the ways we
Formerly
Used to do
But the cosmos submits
To what I deem is true
Just like you
And that helps me get through
The uncouth rendezvous

September skies
My eye belies
As everything seems more alive
When surely this
Capricious season’s
Mild nature’s
Rhyme and reason
Here can be
All far too fleeting
Leaving us
In winter’s thralls
Of sentimental
Deck the halls
As cold and gray
As any day
Of existentialist decay