What else could I write you
About me
It’s something
For I can not feel
But expression’s the one thing
A slum
Biddy ***
Going numb
Scribble gunsling
A note
From a stroke
Of the demons I stoke
When awoken
I wrote
A most luminous cloak
To adorn in the never mourn
Forests of lore
I ignored petty squabbles
Of gods waging war
For assured of my deity
Status was I
I was diamond shard dragons
Designing the sky
And the why
Was awhirl
With her final goodbye
Then I wandered
Despondency wastes
In despair
And I spat in the faces
Of people who care
And therein lies the tragic
Downfall of the boy
And the flying machine
That he seeks to destroy

But I do
Still grind stones
Write each other uploads
And still know
In her silence
My mountain erodes
And a normal man
Reincarnated
Could mine
Could return to the dirt
To recover his spine
But the engineers still run the world
Labor force
Executioners these days
Are kids in divorce
From material ******,
Buy their image in stores
And don’t answer for all
The imperial wars
They ignite in the streets
Like the ** Chi Minh sheeeeets
And they bend the reality
Back to beats

Not trying to change you
Contain you
Or save you
Intentions are only
To learn
What unmade you...

Unmade...
And unmade...
And unmaiden
And bade you
Be bladed and crazed,
Come with irons and chains
And enraged
You engage me
And muses are played

And we sway and we stay
For a minute
Away
And we think of each other
I know it someway

Or don’t let sappy ****
Contain you
Nothing I could do
Can change you
Nor do I
Intend to try
With or without you
Rather die
Avoid such fatalist extremes
A couple nights apart
Just means
We can continue
Ourselves
As gradually
Together melds
Prefer to be alone
Or roam
Into beside each other,
Home

To you
I’m just
Some guy you like
To me
You are
A trip in psych
Another patient
Mission statement
Feels I catch
In stages nascent
All too soon
To be so honest
By your beauty
Still astonished
Happenstance
Compelled us here
Now no tomorrow
Need we fear,
For you have
My word in writing
I will make our paths colliding
Just tell me
You feel it too
And sense it in
Each day anew

First instinct
Is hold on tightly
Thinking of her
Daily
Nightly
Never to appear
Unsightly
So politely
Open doors
And in her absence
Raining pours
Exploring every
Involution
Trying not to probe
Too soon in
Or we watch it all
Fall down
And never see you
Come around

Your mind
Is a whirlwind,
A maelstrom
All scattered
Your heart has been torn apart,
Broken and shattered
Now nothing else matters
To you on the surface
But grungey rejoinders,
A vape
And some verses
Conversing with you though
Reveals the concealed
And when you crack a smile
I know you still feel,
You still care,
You still try
To believe living life
Doesn’t mean you just die
At the end of it
Having spent none of it
Finding
The love you misplaced
Or have trouble defining
Consigned to the trash
Heap of past
Deepest cuts
And the lingering pain
In the heart
As it shuts
Out the would-be abusers
Preemptively
Safe
From the hurt
And the worth
Less than dirt
Sort of fate
But not stating this
With any judgment intent
Just relating it to
My own former torment

Immediate longing
For you when alone
Irresistible urges
Keep checking my phone
And when sudden emerges
The blue little dot
All my prior engagements
Already forgot
Now my worded arrangement
Bouquets
I convey
And take care to precisely
Concisely display
The true colors
Of my
Truest lovers’
Goodbyes
Across canvas oblivion
Spilling insides

Since meeting you
Haven’t made
Much time to write
And to share with you
Can’t find
The one I would like
To express what it’s like
To in just a few days
Shift away from the doldrums
Of dreary malaise
To elation,
Excitement,
And eager sanguinity
Finding someone
Who can share
My affinity
For what a simple
Arrangement of words
Can bestir in two hearts
Thrumming like
Hummingbirds

Alive as we were that day
Walking around
I still thought of decaying
With you in the ground
As if that was the end result
Goal I should set
All the days in between
I would drink to forget
So long as assured
In eternity
Stayed
The romanticized
You and I
Picturesque frame

If only she knew
What I went through
To find her
Fortuitously
Nonetheless
Then remind her
Each day I seek only her smile,
Her laugh
To say something worthwhile
Crossover her path
Before my epitaph
Crosses over
Unknown
And all that I have written her
Not set in stone

Struggled to find
My identity
Finally
Had an idea,
An assessment
Decidedly
Knew who I was
So I thought
And proclaimed
Unto others was proud
To be known,
To be named
But ashamed,
Unassured
I too often became
And now every day hence
I am just not the same
Human ego
Or entity
Subject to change
Conscious mind soul
Embodying
Products of influence
Just an ad space
Personhood
Discontinuous

What could becoming
Approaching me
Changing me
Ask me ten years ago
Where would the day begin?
Never my answer
In offices spacing
Or running down PCH
Shorelines embracing
The end in its infinite
Solitude version
My pen in its diffident
Strokes of subversion
Immersion in worlds
Of colossal
Impossible
Postulates
Posterity
As unstoppable
Once I can find
The best way I can lead
A brief day in the sun
Then in shadows recede

No more distractions,
Attachments,
Compassions
Could match with
Some matches
Of ashes fall down
But they wouldn’t be her
And by her am still bound
And I just can’t imagine
A million and one
Beauty pageants
Don’t have it
They wouldn’t be fun
Couldn’t temper the zealot
The way that she could
Center me to expel it
In ways to be good
More conducive to us
And the rest of the world
Could erode into dust
If I must go on bearing
The lust of love lost
Like two names in a heart
In a tree trunk embossed
There was just the implicit
Please stay what I need
Feed addictions
And drink
Until it’s time to breed

Lucid
And sooner
Or later
Asleep
Even seated
Don’t need
Anymore to count sheep
And in keeping persistent
With daily routines
Only break from the norm
In my wildest dreams
Meaning reckless abandon,
Spontaneous whim
Don’t decide where I go
Just define who I’ve been
Should a day in the life
Include new and exciting
It seldom finds time
To explain it in writing
So as a professional
Aspirant
Strive
Not to make it a living
But why I’m alive

Trapped in the trip this time
Don’t let me out
I don’t want it to end
So don’t make me return
To where everything’s dead
Go on bending dimensions
As all becomes art
And interpreting
Doesn’t demand
I be smart
Just enlivened,
Enlightened,
My senses are heightened
By shifting-shape-shadows
No longer I’m frightened
Ignite as the music
Incites me to fervor
Incoming in waves
Ride the wake
Like a surfer
And wide awake
Snake through the slugs
In my way
On my blades,
In my grooves,
Just a child at play

Better be barely
By breath
Breaking out
For that death
Do us part stuff
I’m just not about
But take heart in awareness
You occupy thoughts
Of less savory urges
Are more often fraught
With a lot
Of traumatic
Explosives and omens
The ghosts of my past
Have so cryptically spoken
And though not
Initially
What I envisioned
We still come together
Like head-on collision
And into it full speed ahead
Would I go
If on your end
The fender bends
Backwards
To show
A committed
Emitted
Fuel standard
Machine
For I’m just a pollutant
Still tryna’ come clean

Come back when you’re ready
To let me stare into you
Baring my soul
Sharing I am so
Into you
Gladly could carry on
Days unrequited
Accustomed,
I’ve learned
The best love’s
Undecided
Or certain
It’s only been felt
Unsurpassed
So we close ourselves off
And compare and contrast
Just enough
To convince ourselves
It could be fun
But commitments
To prior engagements
Become
What the one
For ostensibly
Everyone
Finds
A devotion
To never could try
Other kinds

Think of a way
Of restating
The obvious
More captivating
The awe-stricken
Audience
With a more personal,
Visceral
Form
From a gloom-ridden,
Tomb-bidden
Womb it is born
And exhuming its
Daily death wish
Is a chore
Willfully I oblige
To provide you with more

Feel for
Someone again
Bound in
Temptation
But nothing prevents
Suicide ideation
Astounded how lonely it gets
All the years
All the milestone thoughts
But no listening ears

And into the infinite aether ascendant
Now scream at me,
Shriek with me,
Wreak all the havoc
Together
We conjure
The darkest of magic
Dispelling the notion
The ocean divides
By the side of it
One with the waves
Do I glide
As the glades
Of tranquility
Beckon me back
And instilled in it still
Is your image intact
And though warped and distorted
The clarity stays
Till it summons the sun
From my dismalest days

I tripped and I thought of you
Somewhere out there
It was clear
What I ought to do
Start to repair
The malfunctioning
Mechanized
Rusting organic
Still running on fumes
Like a thermodynamic
Volcanically
Manic
Depression
Sets in
And it comes and it goes
Through my wearing thin skin
And therein
Can my cells’
Mitochondrial jolt
By the god of storms
Galvanize
My thunderbolt

Spelled it out
All on the line
Crystal clear
I was not quite the same
Person changed
With you here
But who didn’t
Or doesn’t
Or wasn’t
Enough
For the person they loved,
Were unworthy to touch
And behold
And adore
And amuse
And delight
In the simple,
Sincere
Sentimental goodnight
And like each of the hundreds
Before were for her
If she’s even still reading
I cannot be sure

Public life
Afterlife
Spotlight is dim
And it flickers
And fades
Like a stage
Pseudonym

Doesn’t need to be novelty’s
Next revelation
Adding factorials
To the equation
That always results
In a nightly reveal
One more piece to the puzzle
Of what I conceal
When complete
Will appear
To compose me
The soma
And unto my readers
Convey its
Persona

Altering actions,
Projections,
Directions
Trajectories take
To deliver their lessons
Impose inquisition
Through force
And charisma
Convince you to
Lie, cheat and steal
An enigma
Required
To masterfully wield
The exertion of pressure
Agendas fulfilled
But it doesn’t take geniuses
For me to be
In control of the outcomes
Unanimously

Watch it move past us
Contained in decay
Everyday becomes wistfully
Wither away
And though hardly the first
To see living as dying
I think I equate it
More often in writing
Where I can trace aging
To futures predicting
That if I do find
Reason for my existing
I found what I needed
And claimed my desire
Composed of what leads me
In peace
To expire

Put me through miles
Of tortuous trials
All while the torturous
Boredom beguiles
Me spending it
Pending
My breakthrough’s
Approval
Potential is fading
In tandem with youthful
Refusal to sit back
And idly by
Just observe and report
The cloud forms in the sky

Got what I wanted,
Accomplished,
Attained
All it cost?
The most powerful
Piece in the game

Don’t let it slip
What you used to do,
Used to be
Nothing good comes of me
Dreaming her
Lucidly
Looping her in
To assure
Continuity
But incongruity
Ruins the story,
The details embellished,
Withheld,
Unreported
Like those obfuscated,
Conflated
Make me
In her eyes, but a scared little boy
Verily

Could say that I made it
To summit
And plummeted
Pulled myself up
And got back
To the top of it
Stopping for only
A moment
To breathe
To receive the tranquility,
From troubles leave
But returned to the struggle,
The downward descent
Like an addict who still
Gets his fix on lament

Serendipity meant for me
With her to be
But did not guarantee us
Psychotherapy
Nor provided,
Enabled,
Equipped me to help
Never spelt out
How she could
Salvation
Myself
No prerequisites
Called for
Compatible traits
And the rest of its
Fall for
That look on her face
Only fated
To date,
To confide in,
Console
Lonely wanted
To sooner or later
Control
My emotions’
Devotion
To feel what she feels
But not always
Commitment
To what it reveals

Distance makes
The heart grow fonder
Of without her
Love to ponder
All the ways
She makes me somber
Inadvertently
Of course
Correct, directs me
To the source
Of what enabled
Transformation
Now deprived
Of its sensation
Placed her in
Recessive corners
Confines of
Mental disorders
Where at least
She lives in thought
But dies in what
Was better sought

Raising awareness
Of critical issues
As helpful as therapy’s
Box full of tissues
And raising funding
Fundamentally flawed
When elected officials
Just sit and applaud
No, you really want change?
Then it must be sought after
The fact, only act
Out the selfish disaster
Pertaining to me
Rising seas
At my door
Or else don’t be the one
Knocking on it for more

Not just me
Who is ceasing to be
Interested
Came a time
I once cared
But now there
In its stead
Is a somber indifference
A sullen withdrawal
Where I used to be
Head over heels
Now I fall
Not in love,
From above
From on high
I deny
Having any incentive
To send a reply
Having any stake left
In the politics game
Having all the ink drain
From my pen hand
In vein

The next move
Is physical
Force
Altercation
The final
Is my
Boiling point
Aggravation
Approaching
Eruption
Too placid
To burst
And confronting it only
Just making it worse
So let passive aggressive
Gestures
Be the first
Move we make
To reiterate I
From formality break
Want you gone
Seethe with hate
As I see through your face
Cherished memories
Perish
Your life,
A disgrace
The potential I formerly saw
Laid to waste
You’re pathetic,
A pitiful,
Peasant
Peon
And now all I look forward to
Day that you’re gone

Reverting back
To childish games
Retaliatory
Crazy claims
That I’m to blame,
You’re not at fault
Within your pride
You still exalt
Delusional
Not worth your salt
Destructive tendencies
Must halt
Across the hall
Your stride aloof
Above your head
I’ve kept this roof
And all I get
Is more vindictive
Actions, but take care
To listen
To the sound
Of my not caring
All I hear is your
Despairing
Barely can afford to eat
So back into your room
Retreat

Just keep taking
Aggravating
Me with every smile faking
Have to get along
I know
But I can’t wait
For you to go
No longer even think us friends
Just here until the leasing ends
But spend
And spend
Don’t make amends
Don’t pay for anything
Pretend
You’re welcome,
Wanted,
Here belong
That this is even
Right and wrong
You’ve made it so
It’s only mine
This house,
The home
You undermine
And treat as if
It’s limitless
All you consume
To still exist
Beneath a roof
You can’t afford,
Behind closed doors
Of insecured

Suggest you’ll be part of
My life
Then depart
Just as quick as you entered
And punctured my heart
Like a dart
From the start
Piercing ever so slightly
You got close enough
But avoided what might be
The height of the pinnacle
Pivotal moment
We notice that awkward’s
The vital component

Evoking the Greek
With the sweetest at dinner
If meta she wants
I’m above and beyond
And no decadence
More unrequited
Than sinner
Could make her believe
In no other more fond
Of her picturesque
Pixel
Pixie
Politician
Positioning,
Posturing,
Pose
Inquisition
To my apparition
A pall cast aside
Just the side of me
Facing her,
Waiting reply

So easy to be
Orderly
And restore
Any semblance of normalcy
Stocked and in store
Keeps it going,
Consuming,
Producing more goods
Till the last residential
Devours the woods
But I like
To stay hungry
Then all at once feast
Like collective potential
To harvest the wheat

Felt good to be coveted,
Wanted,
Desired
But she was too simply
In normalcy mired
And barely could form
An opinion
Or query
And of my intentions
Seemed overly
Wary
As if I was there
To embarrass,
Abandon
Her, at my expense,
My performances
Stand-in

Hear coyotes feasting
In the distance
At the dawn
The desert chill
Instills a sense
That I am never
Far too gone
My home is distance
It is missed
And I will see it someday soon
But I still chase the lonely solitude
Foreboding
Harvest moon
And wake when stars
Still cling to tapestry
Oblivions above
And in the shadows
Prep the gallows
For an afterlife in love  
The unresolved,
The unrequited,
Undecided
How I feel
For if I rhymed it once
A million times
I questioned it was real

Told me I’d find her
Again
Unbeknownst to you
Wanted the best
For us both
But I ghosted you
Most often thought of you
Sealed in a phone
All alone couldn’t hold you
As closely
As home
So I formed a whole argument
For and against
You remain in my life
Or sustain its laments
The in favor
Could posit
Composite advantage
We’d save the whole world
With a liberal arts bandage
Abandoned no longer
Belong to each other
I’d call you by name
But insinuate lover
Come smother me,
Steal my breath
As it forgoes
Any need to resist
And desist
All opposed

Bastion of progress
The citadel shines
In the morning sunrise
As our grandeur defines
What the rest of the world
Can aspire to reach
The example we set
Evermore we could seek
To establish,
Preserve,
For the future
Secure
Though we aim to claim peace
Always ready for war
Should defending
The home
From invasions
Be needed
And should the truce falter
No land be conceded
For even in greed
We agreed
To play fair
And the barons
Don’t dare
Tyrants do not compare
To hegemony
Menacing
Racial supremacy
Scapegoating cultural shades
As the enemy

Haven’t had time
Been deprived
Of the kind
Of catharsis
My heart is
To trash bins consigned
It would just be impractical
Revenue squandered,
Instead I scheme how to make
Money more laundered
Go longer into
The approaching end
Game
And victorious
Finally
My throne to claim
Will be lonely as ever
A crown of dead weight
Barely ruling myself
In a court desolate

You don’t care,
I don’t care
Barely still friends
We can go on pretending
But can’t make amends
I feel only resentment
You enter,
I cringe
I don’t want to impinge
Your pursuit of delusion
But flicking the switch
Is the only conclusion
I reach
That is feasible
Somewhat agreeable
Get us both working
On something less menial
Than the day labor
Divisive
Disdain,
Yours is getting hands *****,
Mine far more urbane
But in vain
Will it all have been
Watching you leave
And then just like that
Watch your life
Split at the seems

One person parting
As someone new enters
My life
In an instant
Ensuring us renters
Go on
In our own little worlds,
Private corners,
And niches,
We don’t need the words
To in candor convey
What we think
Of the other
Just text me face values
We’ve yet to uncover

Digital scoreboard
Determines my worth
What I offer this world
Predetermined from birth
And that makes me want more
Swore I’d never be so unsure
Going on thirty
No goals or ambitions
Just making it all
About money
Decisions

Closer now
We’re getting there
I’m asking weekend plans
Aware
She won’t be anywhere
With me
At least
Not consequentially  
Enough to know
She feels it back
Ecstatic just to see you back
Within the office
Somewhat often
Even when it seems you just
Dropped in to say
Let’s sate this lust