I close my eyes, I'm thinking
wondering and waiting
desiring to be desired
tired of it being one sided
Feeling foolish for speaking
thinking, wishing and dreaming
***, lust, love, desire, passion
is it too much to ask for
On my knees showing devotion
tasting you teasing you
using my tongue, lips and fingers
knowing finally that I am desired
for who I am rather than in spite of
being accepted for all that makes me
giving the same in return
answering for what you yearn
filling your needs as you fill mine
join me in my foolish dream

little pill full of powder
in my gut you go
now I shiver, sweat
the air too hot, too cold
the world it fades
monochrome hued
all I see thus shaded
my limbs feel distant
mind races faster
am I heading for disaster
calm, calm breathe deeply
vision clears, unease remains
this is supposed to be the cure
am I worse, or is this better
lethargic, angsty, is this the real me
or is the pill further deluding me

In dreams I kiss you
our lips meet
melting into one
fierce, hungry
ravenous with need
two rhythms joining
a symphony of sensation
flesh melding into bliss
this and more
starts with a kiss

I'm always lonely
but never alone
I live in a house
but is it my home

I sit in this room
day after day
hiding from changes
only I can make

Waiting and hoping
chained myself up
locked by illusions
can't set myself free

Where is the jailer
I thought it was me
trapped by delusions
forgotten the key

Afraid of if not
Consumed by what if
Wanting to change
but how to begin

love is like a drug
intensity need desire
burning up inside
perpetually consuming
imagination illusion
self inflicted delusion
leading to confusion
lose yourself to the words
find yourself in what you've heard
roads and streets you've never seen
places you so sure you've been
leading to actions that make you question
have you taken the right direction
a maze of streets, of all the choices
listening to all those voices
clamoring echoing a cacophony
who you are or who you were
all these things are like a blur
constant motion never slowing
want to stop but still keep going
in my mind a voice is screaming
can I wake up, am I dreaming
is this real or am I still sleeping
head on a pillow silently weeping

Staring at a spot on the floor
I want to stop thinking
but that's always the problem
my head's never empty
What if, what if, perhaps and maybe
endlessly circle, driving me crazy
in my mind I see a door
it's flung wide open, I want
to try and close that passage
its hinges are rusty
its weight defies belief
held by false hope
no stranger to feeling
wanting relief
Hope, always hope
twined all together
A rope made of hope
I find disgust with myself
with the way that I feel
it's all in my head
I'll never be real

it feels like forever
since I've touched your face
our lips pressed together
making my heart race
bodies pressed tightly
our fingers wrapped together
legs tangled, entwined
forehead to forehead
I'm lost in your eyes
our breathing gets rougher
my hands roam your curves
bringing, moans and sighs
my hands on your knees now
run slowly up your thighs
my lips follow, kissing
your creamy soft skin
I raise my eyes to yours
before I begin
you look at me eager
your lips curve into a grin
our eyes locked together
I hold your gaze and I begin
tasting your sweetness
hearing you moan
your fingers twined through my hair
my excitement increases, my passion grows
your pleasure mounting, does my own
cries of ecstasy filling my ears
hips bucking, grinding against my face
breathlessly, gasping moaning you cry
"I want you inside me"
with my body, I reply
words are beyond me
I'm lost in my passion for you
control is yours now
my body knows what to do

I don't tell the world
about my feelings
or hopes or dreams
what does the world care

I don't tell the stars
my wants and worries
most are dead
before their light gets here

I don't cry my tears into a river
thinking it will make it into the sea
and if I did it wouldn't matter
it wouldn't remember me

Instead I have this bottle
buried deep inside my chest
I stuff it full of pain and anger
push it all away from me

and as this bottle grows in size
I feel a hole in me
I'll find a way to stuff it up
pretend perhaps it isn't there
and like the world I won't care

there goes a heart I’m breaking
tears that are shed when I’m not around
but I’m not unaware, I can hear the sound
am I some sort of monster, uncaring
do I ignore the sound of her heart tearing
though I sometimes feel I should be clad
in fur, claws and fangs, monstrous things
I am human, just a mortal man
as she cries, heart aching, breaking
I’d take that pain if I could, spare her
but I can’t, that’s not how it works
feelings change, people grow
sometimes together sometimes not
I was young when we met
then I changed and grew
just as I was made to do
I loved her then, and love her still
the love has changed, as it sometimes will

Light a candle for the hopeless
let them see the light
soon a fire is roaring
making day of the night
sing a song full of laughter
so they can dry their tears
share with them your joy
so they can shed their fears
share with them your darkness
so they feel less alone
teach them how to live here
to give their hearts a home

I want to tell you
how much I miss you
but those words are
meaningless
they don't bring to mind
a flower uprooted
cast deep into a cave
the once bright sun
a spark in the darkness
the cave of my own creation
how a fear of everything
brought me to self-isolation
how I struggle against it
and sink into it like a bog
how there are moments
of blinding brightness
lightning flashes in the darkness
I'm left with purple tinged after images
ghosts of what is real

conversations in my head
words I've spoken
words left unsaid
monologue, dialogue
susurration through my mind

doubt and inaction
curiosity about reactions
if I said, or if I didn't
would your answers
be much different

echoing voices
through my skull
is reality real at all
questioning my motives
if I should fly or fall

voices and music
no quiet moments
silence unwelcome
moments of song
entwined by their voices

thoughts of doing
held back by fear
bickering voices, offering choices
do this thing or that one
still no clear winner

back to the beginning
or is it the middle
life spins around
we all live in riddles

I feel as though
I am cursed
The words they come
they do their worst

I speak my mind
I speak my heart
I should know better
Than to start

I should just accept
the way things are
I have no feathers
to fly so far

To reach for
the sun or moon
I am a fool
the hope is doomed

I'll never realize
or accept
To reach for the light
Is asking to burn

Try and Try
over and again
It's who I am
I play the fool

confusion delusion
driving myself insane
pondering questions
no one to blame

do this thing or that thing
choose quickly, chose right
it's nothing but nothing
the rest of your life

Feel everything, feel nothing
why no in between
madness bubbles up
now choke down the scream

bravado, confidence
run, flee from me
loathing and hatred
self inflicted wounds

I'm funny, I'm kind
a good and nice guy
and still I hate myself
I hate myself why

Darkness and heat
our bodies meet
lips blindly seeking
hands do our seeing
soft planes and angles
muted gasps and laughter
our lips meet, brushing
mouths hungry seeking
sustenance for the soul
tongues dance together
pressing against teeth
lips, tongue, passionate
in the darkness we are one
no color no form two parts
seeking to be joined
our bodies find unity
two souls connected primal
passion and heat, living fire
harsh joyous music of moans
grunts groans the symphony
of our release sounds
we collapse in the darkness
two forms made one
darkness and heat

I had a dream
it was you
we talked about a game
lines of text

The dream so real
elated by contact, digital
ephemeral emotion
painful self deception

I wake
eyes open
a moment of confusion
left longing for
my digital delusion

under the city lights
the stars shine dimly
yet in your eyes so bright
a twinkle, a glow
my hand in yours feels
so very perfect, so right
the chill night air surrounds us
I pull you close to me
your back against my front
the cold fades and warmth
glows, lingers and grows
your hand in mine
my lips on the nape of your neck
heat blooms into fire
my hands slide down your hips
holding you tightly to me
in the cold night
our embrace lingers
your scent intoxicating
no drink has touched my lips
and yet I stand drunken
by your presence
time has flown once more
and we must part again
I will wait for you

my life is ellipses
a series of pauses
periods of time
where nothing is
where I exist
waiting in spaces
void of action
filled by racing thought
suspended waiting
I am ...

look in my face, stare in my soul
it's tattered and it's stained
but see its vibrant glow
look in my eyes they're not empty holes
they watch the world around me
in them secrets are told
look a bit deeper don't be afraid
look and see my wonders
look and see what has been made

I'm looking inside now
for the hope to go on
I am looking for reasons
for something inside that
makes it okay
I can't shake this feeling
it's all going to fade
I can't keep on faking, that
I am alright, the light's been fading
it started so bright
I am looking for switches
or fuses or wires
something to lead me
to where it all starts
If I can just find it
the heart or the soul
and see what is broken
duct tape it up or patch it together

When I'm at the edge of sleep
that's when things come to me
lines of prose, parts of story
I force myself to stay in bed
While the words run 'round my head
Shouting for my attention
I plead and beg them to remain
Till the morning, in my brain
It never fails, I fall asleep
Dreaming dreams of wondrous things
People and places I've never been
When I wake and dreams are fading
I look for the words I asked to stay
But much like dreams, they fade away

day light is fading
the night slowly comes
now you’ve gone away
my heart has stayed with you
and I feel a bit hollow
the stars sparkly brightly
but it’s not the same
and in the darkness
I wander, and whisper your name
for you to walk beside me
making even the night more bright
your hand in mine, by my side
and I wait for the day
when I get to sleep next to you
and wake up that way
and see your eyes sparkle
with the first light of day

She lives in a fairy tale
one that's gone far wrong
she'd found her prince
her one true love
as had went the song
He took her hand
down on one knee
and promised her the world
She'd had it all, her hopes
and her dreams, though
soon to be deferred
Her prince began to find
other things instead
to fill his time and attention
then left her all alone
giving the barest of affection
time would pass, for this fair lass
until the time would come
she'd speak her mind
it was time to find another
stay he'd plea, stay he'd ask
you are my whole world
with out you who would I be
with out you there is no me
and as he would pledge his doom
she would relent, her courage spent
and for a time as it had once
been, he'd show her that affection
once more secure he'd imprisoned her
time would pass and once again
he'd put her to the side
the fairy tale she thought she'd have
was only just a lie

I wish I had the courage
that the characters I
create possess
I wish I had the nerve
to make the choice
to make the hard decision
that all I do now is delay
the end, inevitable looming
stepping closer to that edge
looking over the brink
my eyes betray me
the world is round
why does this edge look
as though there is no end
no bottom in sight
an endless darkness
no pin ***** of light
soon I must choose
to jump, to leap to give
in to the fear and in falling
finally find if I can fly

it comes like a flash flood
washing out all in its path
where moments ago was happy
now all that's left is ash
a bitter desperation hollowed out
emptied to the core
and in those terrible moments
I wonder how much I can endure
and then the sun comes out
the land is green and lush
and I wonder really what
had upset me so very much
that had driven me to thoughts
of crushing self destruction
an uneasy peace breaks out
the path clear of obstruction
I breathe deeply and wait
for the next storm to come

the haloed moon hung in the sky
the woman cried and wondered why
her love had gone, gone far away
would he return, or her love betray
he'd speak to her of her lips so full
her sea green eyes, now shot with red
and now her heart was filled with dread
she dreamed of him, midst restless sleep
she'd given him her heart to keep
she'd never thought he the careless sort
to callously toss aside her love
but now he's gone, so far away
word once sent so often now gone astray
and her lone companion the ghostly moon
haloed in the cloudy sky and she asks
why, my love, oh why

The sky is clear the morn has come
the night is passed, her love still gone
yet still her love for him is strong
though silence has long held sway
she knows he thinks of her night and day
that if he could but find a way, word would come
her heart is heavy but her mind is clear
the man that she holds so dear, she knows
she knows, he would not stray
nor would he throw her heart away
time would pass, as time would do
he would return and their love renew

the seasons changed, summer turned fall
the coldness grew, the leaves tumbled all
she watched the west, where he had gone
and knew that now it would not be long
he wandered far and was long away
but with the snow she knew he'd come to stay
that in the frozen winter cold, she'd have her love
in her arms she would hold, and be held
and as the winter winds would howl she was sure
that he'd be there, to run his fingers through her hair
to press his lips hard against hers, warmth through the
frigid dark cold nights, it'd be worth all the wait

On the last day of fall, so cold no longer rain would drop
she watched the west for her loves return
a single snow flake fell from the sky, a tear matched it
from her eye, her eyes so blue just as the sea
and she wondered had he forgotten me
her heart, she thought would surely crack
frozen in the winters cold, when she heard someone approach
in her heart a spark did flare, was it him, was he there
she spun around, and ran up the path, not caring that
the branches slapped, and clung, she had to know
was her waiting done, was she now free from the loneliness
and would her lips once more know, the tender kiss
the heat that melts the snow, and so she ran, and soon will know

I want to feel your heat
your body against mine
our lips pressed tight
my fingers in your hair
moaning our need, desire
Run my hands down
marking the edges of you
the curves of your belly
swaying line of your hips
the fullness of your thighs
pressing my lips to your knees
kissing up your thighs
and where they meet
the furnace of our desire
our bodies join we are one

she wears her sexuality
like a badge
proudly, daring you to judge
laughing at your judgement
it stares out at you
through her soulful eyes
her face deceptively innocent
a sultry smile washes innocence away
her body, full and soft, seductive
calls to you, primal yearnings
her head bobs and dips, hips
swaying to her own rhythm
bruised remnants of passion
mark her skin, and make you want
to be the lips, the teeth, the tongue
the one who meets, and matches
in a dimly lit room, an unseen fire
roars, its heat felt, given into
her voice, her moans, her cries
the fire that you feed, that feeds you

my body feels incomplete
sweeter things are far less sweet
since you last lay against me
in the night when I should sleep
my arms for your lovely form do seek
blurry eyes at first deceive, but
it’s not you lying next to me
and in my dreams where I seek peace
I find you there, waiting it seems
gently, slowly, I caress your face
and pull you into a sweet embrace
run my fingers through your hair
to my senses you are there
then taste the sweetness of your lips
my hands slowly down your sides
slowly down over your hips
I pull you tighter against me
I kiss your cheeks, your chin, your lips
then push you gently to the bed
and in the dream our clothes are shed
your soft body pressed beneath mine
we join as one, moving together in time
connected at our lips and our hips
for a few precious moments we cease to exist
no more you, no more me
instead become a blessed we

There are days when I feel
the darkness closing in
the darkness from inside of me
but I won't let it win
there days when things go wrong
when all it seems is lost
when the fog of despair clouds over
the hope and brightness, of happiness
in those moments with out hope
it seems hope comes looking for me
a friend appears, has kind words
to understand and listen
and share their hope with me

hopes are wishes and dreams
bright balloons that carry
us over oily black
oceans of despair, rivers and streams

islands of light
covered with jungles
made of possibilities and dreams
some things aren't what they seem

in the center there is a spring
it tells us many things
sometimes it gives us proof
if we're brave enough to face the truth

we seek ourselves
in every day things
hide our heads in mysteries
blind to what we've seen

In the end it's hard
to be who we really are
to take the pain, face the truth
how we win, or how we lose

As I sit here waiting
Inside my head debating
My self worth
Or lack there of

Questioning and hating
The reasons I am patient
Turmoil and self doubt
I am good enough
or am I

These thoughts I have
Racing, chasing through
Wanting, needing
Seeking the truth
Is it love that I feel
or just a self delusion

Dreaming and creating
Words of truth and of lies
losing sight of what is real
what I've felt or what I feel

Restless sleep and lucid dreams
screaming things I'll never say
self imposed silence
it's better this way

I thought I knew what lonely was
sitting in my room by myself
I thought I felt lonely then
I never knew what it really was
then you came into my world
and the moments with out you
opened me to the real meaning of lonely
yet even in those moments
I think of your voice, your face
the way the light shines in your eyes
and the loneliness fades a little
and I know that soon it'll go away

I exist
in the quiet moments
I wait
When you don't speak
I live
to hear the sound of your voice

I exist
in anticipation of your touch
I wait
to feel the softness of your skin
I live
When our bodies meet

I exist
to breathe your scent
I wait
to be near to you
I live
when I smell you on my skin

I exist
to brush my lips against your skin
I wait
to explore you with my lips
I live
when I taste  you on my lips

I am but a man
a one flawed at that
jealousy rears its head
roaring through me
crashing its way through
reason and rationale
a cacophony of sound
the phantom pounding
of insubstantial waters
like all storms this too
shall pass and calm
will come again

her beauty shines
from behind tortured eyes
secret torments that she hides
despite the way she often feels
with a joyful spirit she is filled
she throws her joy out to the world
it floats about like dandelion seeds
her joy finds fertile ground
and from her joy new joy is found

She took me like a storm
like a force of nature
it wasn't something looked for
like a storm she came
and like a storm she went
quiet and quickly and
I find myself wishing that
the storm would come again
standing against the wind
against the rain and thunder
the bright flashes of lightening
the feelings rose from deep inside
unasked, but not unwanted
a smell of the tropic, coconut
I close my eyes and she appears
a storm brews, this time inside
and I know I have to let go
letting go is so hard to do
even harder when you never
really had anything in your hands
the mind clings, the heart grips
good bye, good bye
tear filled eyes aching chest
good bye

Love
is heat

rushing through
my veins
like fire

roaring
raging
radiant
resplendent

unrelenting
understood
­
reborn

by
love.

I wish that I could explain
the feeling that flashes through me
when I know you're out there
like a mirage in the desert heat
but real, I know you're real
a picture of your face
a word to take its place
your name out there in the world
my heart beats faster and I smile
I feel so light, and yet so solid
like I could fly, above it all
but I will walk these roads
a while longer, knowing down
one path or another, you
wait smiling, lovely wonder

sometimes I fear
that the words I say
don't properly convey
the meaning behind them

when I say that
I love you I mean
in my eyes
the sun rises and sets
because of you
the stars glow brighter
in the night sky

when I rise from sleep
it's not the bodies needs
that enter my mind at first
but you, and how I am
so far away

It feels as if
we've been apart
so very very long
after so brief a meeting
and yet how strongly
I long, to
hear your voice
in person, not over
lines digital, or analog

To once more feel
the gentle touch of
your hand on mine
to press my lips
above your heart
and feel it's rhythm

I see the shadows
run 'cross the moon
bright glowing orb
climbing the velvet sky

radiant pale beauty
just out of reach
soft graceful curves
leaves me yearning

like the moon as it wanes
and seems to disappear
but remains, though unseen
and in my mind, so too she

We orbit 'round
a celestial dance
by gravity drawn
met by random chance

I love how your clothing
enfolds you, holds you
disguises yet reveals you
swaying curves, seductive
the tempting promise of yes
knowing what sweetness waits
my body responds eager
to the call of your lusciousness
the sultry turn of your lips
the rolling sway of your hips
how you use your finger tips
and when our bodies meet
the explosiveness and heat
for moments so complete
pleasurable pain, so very sweet

the insanity
consuming me
confusing me
ultimately
losing me
who I am
I refuse to be
my careless
thoughts
bruising me
deluding me
using me
in the end
forgetting me
and it's ok
it is the way
it's supposed to be

Sometimes I wish
I could unlearn
what it means to be me
to wake up and find
a stranger in my skin
someone who was
better able to hide
what they think and feel
not spout out emotion
it's depth like the ocean
instead able to deal out
the cruelty that is given
to return it gladly
but I am who I am
and I'll take what you give
while the waters grow cold

I sit on the floor
sobbing, weeping
against the garbage can
it's right that I end here
Thoughts of an end
thoughts of the end
finality, stopping the noise
my head is an echo chamber
a cacophony assaults me
a sinuous voice winds through
telling me it's right to do this

I sit on the floor
breaking every promise
making lies of my words
driven by shame
she comes and finds me there
the edge to end it in my hand
my incoherent pleas brushed aside
the things I start and never finish
in the moment it seemed so clear
to succeed at last at something, anything

a week has gone and still
my mind travels along that edge
how did I get here when
I had long ago put this aside
in a moment it surged out
surrounding me, from somewhere
deep, deep inside
I feel like that child again
made wrong and ***** in the closet
made bruised and battered by
hands that were to guide me
fleeing from the anger into shame

I find brief moments of peace
a tenuous hold that is so fleeting
I grasp for meaning, for purpose
I look again for hope, to continue
to end this fear of myself
to see myself through eyes untainted
by the loathing and hate that I see
through the eyes that are mine

Waking up can be painful
after sleeping for too long
of hiding the awareness
of who you really are

Waking up can be painful
when you've lived asleep
lied about who you are
to yourself and to the world

Pain can wake you to the
realization of whats true
after living in numbness
and confusion of what to do

Pain can wake the truth
deep inside yourself
the knowledge of what matters most
and how people often deny
the things that make them soar

Wake now weary sleeper
Open up your eyes
the ones that see inside yourself
that see through all the lies
Come out now and play be free

Wake up now weary sleeper
there is much for you to do
once you see hidden wonders
found deep inside of you

Outside its raining
the music plays on
outside its dreary
the rain slowly falls
watching the clock
it's ticking and tocking
the time draws near
when we will be talking
in the pit of my stomach
I feel a ball of dread
for you I am waiting
should you not appear
I will sit and wait and wonder
and where has it gone
the lightning and the thunder
outside its raining
the music plays on

Her lips were red
as blood or berries
I wanted to taste
the sweetness there
Her eyes were grey
and blue like the sea
I wanted to be all
she wanted to look at
all that she wanted to see
Her hair was like fire
framing her pale face
lovely lips, enchanting eyes
softly curved cheeks
sensual full lips unpainted
so lovely and red
parted inviting
and in my dreams
inside my mind
she was mine
yes, she was mine

I stand next to the river
the roar of the falls echo
drowning out thought
a fine mist covers all
the fury of the water
mercilessly pounds the rock
smoothing the stone
erasing imperfections
creating new ones, endlessly
Until the stone is sand
washed away to the sea
Gazing up the falls I see
countless rainbows dancing
caught in between the ground and sky
its color faded denim and dotted
with far away clouds, birds mere specks
is this peace, or is this a path to it

I want to shout it to the world
I love you, I love you
I want to tell everyone
I love you, I love you
I want to write it in the stars
On the moon, the face of mars
I love you, I love you
I want whisper it in your ear
I want to hold you
You so dear
I love you, I love you
Instead I hide it from the world
but never from you
I want to hold you in my arms
and give my love to you