her eyes like the sea
her spirit shining brightly
please sit next to me

I don't know where I am going
I hardly remember where I've been
Mistakes that I've been making
I'll try not to make again
this heart beating inside of me
now it beats for you
but there's a shadow on me
that whispers I'm no good for you

I don't know where I am going
the ground seems shaky and thin
I am far too heavy now
when will the ground give in
this soul of mine is lighter
than I can ever remember
but there's a shadow on me
that whispers I'm no good for you

I don't know where I'm going
though I try to make a plan
to find somewhere solid to start again
build myself up once more, to be a better man
there's a shadow that's on me
that's laughing as I plan
that whispers what's the use

I picture where I'd like to be
a place not far from here
time or distance matter not
it's mostly in my mind
and the thing I'd like to escape
is the shadow haunting me
the voice inside that whispers
and will not let me be

Silence is hard when
you want to speak
to fill the void
even if the words
aren't heard
not sounds but text

How I want to explain
since you came into my life
how I feel like it's good to be me
and you open me to possibilities

How I want to understand
your need for silence, and do
but how it's hard to speak
when it's not you to hear

I start to write then stop
I start to dial then stop
my mind keeps writing
my mind keeps dialing

I feel your absence
like a weight
pulling me to the ground
caving in my chest

Like most other things
this is a lesson
to be patient
to find meaning
in a heart beat
in a single breath

I breathe and wait
the clouds will pass
the sun will shine
I'll feel the warmth
upon my face

Silence speaks
if you stop to listen
it tells a story
if you are quiet
in the moments between
the spoken words
made rich with meaning
by what's unsaid
silence tells a story
that words try to hide

my darkness came again today
on silent wings, a bird of prey
razored talons slashed and tore
the pain I felt, I feel no more
another lie I tell myself
the darkness seems to stay inside
the light is gone, I can not hide
they push their pills, and words
words of hope, I sit with people
wounded, injured,
hear their stories and wonder why
I sound like I have such a great life
no *****, no drugs, no hurting others
but these walking wounded
are like my sisters, my brothers
I feel an impostor in their midst
what's been so bad that I'm like this
they send you home
load you up with pills
this is going to cure your ills
so I sit tired and numb and wonder
is this what life is become
devoid of feelings that are real
the blessing of the little pill
hollow and empty just like before
keep on existing, on nothing subsisting
pretend that everything is ok
Wishing you could go away
maybe never even have been
spare the ones you love the pain
instead you walk around the world
push in the pain, the agony
waiting to be set free

Sitting in darkness
dreaming of light
waiting for morning
but it's just become night

hours are passing
no moon over head
straining to hear but
the only sounds
echo in my head

The velvety blackness
no hint of the stars
the ground beneath me
both cold and hard
it seems like forever

Sitting in darkness
forgetting the light
waiting for meaning
has it always been night

I feel her absence like pain
pain of a tooth torn roughly out
the dull then piercing ache
as if some piece or part of me
has been roughly pulled away
I long to slumber, deeply sleep
in my dreams she comes to me
dreams more pure than I've a right to
It hurts so much to be awake
other people in my life
so much like phantoms passing by
it's only her I want to see
to her alone I wish to speak
she's gone away somewhere
I'm left wondering what I've done
I sweetly torture myself with her
many pictures, and a video looped
the world keeps reminding me of her
I see the curve of her chin in someone
the color of her eyes, the shape of her face
the world won't let me forget
I poke and **** at the pain
like salt or sand deep in a wound
and so I wonder when or if
she'll come back my way

I just want to hold you close
push the whole world away
for a little while, just melt into you
I want to breath you in
run my hands through your hair
feel your warmth, to know you care
to show you my words are
more than just sounds that
I mean the things I say
to learn if you feel the same
I'll hear it when you say my name

I miss you like the bear
misses the spring wind
lonely and cold in winter
sleeping deep in a cave
dreaming of warm sun
the smell of wet earth
the spring wind carries
new growth and life
flowers and berries
in his slumber he dreams
a phantom spring breeze
teases him to wake
makes restless his slumber
outside of his cave
snow shrouds the earth
the ground cold and frozen
the winter winds biting
his stomach rumbles hunger
his heart aches for the spring
missing the sunlight and wind
wistfully dreaming of winters end

went out tonight
pulled my trash to the curb
the air cool, so fresh
I thought of holding hands and
walked to the middle of the road
I stared up at the sky,
and the stars they shined,
I think, more brightly for you
I felt a bit better knowing
that you live under them too

I want to take you to the city
and put your name in lights
after spending the day seeing
all the touristy sights
I'll take you to a restaurant
We'll have the finest meal
music will be playing
you'd pick lobster over veal
I'd smile across the table
watching you decide
on cake instead of creme brulee
and of course instead of pie
there'd be women all around us
beauty of all sorts
and still my eyes stay on you
for no other can compare
none has your intense gaze
your lovely sea blue eyes
no lips can match your lusciousness
to me you rise above
We'd leave the restaurant
I'd see it in your eyes
disappointment for you thought it then
I'd saved the real surprise
We'd travel to a busy street
and walking hand in hand
I'd stop and kneel before you
look into your eyes
the lights would flash on behind me
The message beaming bright
I'd read to you a poem
trying to sum up in mere words
the reasons why I love you
and want you in my life
I'd ask you the question
If you would be my wife


I'd take you to the city
together we'd see the sights
we'd have a picnic in a park
we'd find a tree casting shade
and stare into the sky gazing at the clouds
and watch families stroll by
our hands clasped tight together
we'd speak our dreams aloud
the family that'd be ours someday
of a life well lived, the love we'd give
as night fell on the city, day fades away
we'd find a restaurant to eat a meal
and talk about our day
I'd feel the box in my pocket and wait
the moment would be right
I'd thought and planned and knew
tonight would be our night
you ate the cake, instead of pie
I watched you with a smile
the world around us faded out
reaching out to caress your face
to feel your so soft skin
the words I had prepared
seemed so very thin
we paid and leave into the night
the stars shining high above
I take your hand in mine
and we slowly walk
returning to where our day had begun
the lights are out, the park is dark
and then we see the glow, an island of light
we reach the center, there's a fountain
surrounded by a sea of candles
the water burbles happily
I kneel before you in this man made sea
the light it dances on your skin and I know
where to begin, with the love that I feel
and how your love has helped me heal
how I know my life is with you
and with a question I stake it all
be my love, my wife, my all

the darkness came
for me today
I could no longer
hold it at bay
it came into my
ears and eyes
my nose, my mouth
could not deny it
I tried to remind myself
of all who cared
the darkness was bitter
it laughed and whispered
it uttered nothing matters
there is nothing you can do
give up, give in, let it out
you've let me in
i heard and listened
and then i obeyed

the mask is slipping
it's cracked and worn
the mask is slipping
can't take much more
the smile so natural
master crafted deception
hiding behind this facade
fractured and broken
the mask is falling
it shatters on the floor
the secret is revealed
carefully held back emotion
bursts forth like water
from a shattered dam
the mask in pieces
who am I anymore

There's a story in your eyes
and written on your skin
of the things that you've seen
and done, battles lost, and won
There's a story in the silence
after you have spoken
words that you leave sleeping
while in your heart hope
and wonder and want wither
There's a story in the footsteps
long ago swept away
the ghost of them linger
whispering, begging you to stay
There's a story in the starlight
and when the moon rides high
of things lost and forgotten
waiting to be found
buried in our hearts and minds
like treasure in the ground

I saw you again today
it's painful so painful
how beautiful you are
and you don't even know

I saw you in a dream
it's pitiful so pitiful
how much I miss you still
and you don't even know

I looked up to the stars
it's beautiful so beautiful
they make me think of you
and you don't even know

I peered into my heart
it's confused so confused
you're still inside of me
and you don't even know

It's like being thirsty
and so I drink
I drink and drink
Each liquid different than
the one before
Still I drink, I drink
still more
I roll the liquid
over my tongue
and find it's not
it's not the right one
I take a sip
a slurp, a deeper draught
it's all for nothing
it's all for naught
I reach again for
what I yearn
but will I ever
ever learn
I long to taste
taste one more time
the blissful richness
to make it mine
again I know
who am I to kid
I'd go back
again, and again
and still again

I send little messages
out into the world, like
sign posts and markers
messages in bottles
thrown into an ocean
directed toward you
I sit listening to
music or writing
in my mind, there you are
is it the same for you
as for me, hoping
that what ever you're
doing, some of your
thoughts are of me.

Thunder crashes and shakes the sky,
Torrents of rain hide the world.
Lightning flashes and blinds the eye.

Thunder crashes and shakes the sky,
I feel at peace and wonder why.
Sudden release, relief unfurled.

Thunder crashes and shakes the sky,
Torrents of rain hide the world.

looking all around me
the walls are closing in
fighting against the phantoms
I don't know how to win

The choices of the past
or the choices left alone
what I did or didn't do
it's all coming home

feeling like I am drowning
the dark sea closing in
my arms are getting weary
how much longer can I swim

just stop my arms swinging
just leave the choice alone
just sink beneath the waves
giving all up now

Open up my eyes
look beyond myself
fight harder, swim harder
the light is shining brighter

Keep telling myself go
keep telling myself do
keep telling myself hope
keep telling myself ...

Driving and thinking
pondering possibilities
five days of silence
seems an eternity

wanting and needing
deliberate delusions
unheeding of reality
some things I can't let be

wondering and wandering
feeling foolish
a familiar aching
my heart won't stop dreaming

sleeping and awake
incandescent illusions
drowning in the imaginary
frozen by what is reality

known and unknown
avoiding asking
it's sometimes better
to let it all go

writing and pleading
withering words
some how elusive
unable to capture deeper meaning

endless worry assaults me
pushes me to the ground
I struggle for clarity for purpose
darkness and turmoil surround me
focus and drive elude me
why can't I be like you
why do I struggle for dedication
I look at you all you work you do
panic fills me, anxiety strikes shame... shame
The dark inside calls out insidious
leave it all, stop the struggle
the darkness invites, entices
tears flow, why, can I not find it
the purpose, the drive, it eludes me
I struggle, I flail, no island no refuge
how long can I hold on, resist, how long

I'm stupid and selfish
I'm crude and crass
I'm dreaming and hopeful
Please pass on by
don't waste your time
What you see is illusion
I'm good with a lie
Writing stories poems
all trash, please pass on by
I'll waste your time
your effort your care
I'm not even real
I'm only half way there
Illusion, delusion, confusion
I'll bring you despair
Words of kindness
or even words of hope
Tainted and ruined
Twisted and sour
Continue on past me
It's all for the best
I'd beg your forgiveness
I'm merely a pest.

I want to write about your face
the roundness of your cheeks
the lovely color of your eyes
how they seem to hypnotize me
I wonder if you'd laugh to hear
I love the shape of your nose
I fantasize about your lips
what it'd be like to kiss
and I know I'd not stop there
I'd run my fingers through your hair
how much I love that fiery flair
trail kisses down along your face
breathing in your lovely scent
gentle kisses on your nape
I know these thoughts I shouldn't share
I can't help, can't hide what's there

lately I've been feeling
I am living half awake
disembodied floating
a feeling I can't shake
I want to run and fly be free
but it's just not meant to be
I tug my chain, fit in the ground
this weight I carry around
no one forced it on me
it started out so small
and now it seems to be crushing me
I want to ask for help now
but what help is there to be
I dug this huge stone out
and it's mine now
it's all I know how to be

the winter moon hangs in the sky
in fierce defiance of the sunlight
does it forget the star filled skies
inky darkness where it shows true
it's ghostly pallor winters wasting
gathering strength for spring perhaps
bravely shining against the sunlight
so lovely ghost moon flies at noon

the winter moon hangs in the sky
does it seek to reach the sunlight
an endless cycle in the heavens
yearly trying to woo the sun
does it remember it's past failures
it's ghostly pallor faintly shimmering
ever chasing the distant sunlight
so lovely ghost moon flies at noon

the winter moon hangs in the sky
pearlescent luster faintly shining
gaze in wonder winter wanderers
its lacy loveliness glows for you
asking nothing high above us
her bitter tears in snow do fall
like a maiden waiting wanting
to hear her loves faithful call
so lovely ghost moon flies at noon

I throw my words
into the wind
and wait for them
to return again

I shout my need
into a storm
away from my lips
my words are torn

I whisper my desire
into grey banks of fog
languidly the words escape
and silently again I wait

I sit in silence on a hill
the words I had
have all fled
yet, still they run
through my head

In my darkened room
the moonlight filters through
the ***** window
the purity of it’s light untainted
I look up at that glowing orb
and whisper secrets
It’s distant flight, splashing
pure light upon the pillow
across the bed, and then
when I lay down, across
my sleeping face
I know it’s foolish
to ask the moon
so distant and cold
yet so vibrantly bright
to be my messenger
even still, I speak low
reverently, that it bring words
as she lay sleeping so far away

but you're a writer
she said to me
as if my being able
by dumb luck, or innate ability
to string, like ducks in a row
words that seemed to work
in a line
made me better
better able to describe
the indescribable
It's harder to explain
to describe the things that
are close to you, mean the most
to you
the things that most move you
that make your heart beat
faster, stronger make you want to live
so much longer
make moments into eternities
Oh surely I know that
when so moved, I can
spout and pour from my lips
or finger tips, streams of words
pretty some, perhaps
and even close to the mark, by chance
firing into the dark
it often feels as though
I have failed in my goal
the words that come
the feelings they evoke
like the after image
of a flash bulb
a reflection, of a ghost
of what the words mean
or what you mean to me