I've been thinking about what I should say when I visit you...
And I am hoping I will gather up the courage to make you say it to my face
Tell me how you feel without hiding behind the cloak of a keyboard or computer screen.
I think I could be brave enough to tell you that I'm not going to find anyone better
So there is no point in waiting for that to happen
That there is no way I could find someone as good for me as you are.
I want you to find the strength to kiss me for real
Instead of kissing me on the head saying you always wanted to kiss me
And wanted to make sure you did it in some way before you left.
And while we are on the topic of you leaving lets talk about things you said.
You can't say you want to spend the rest of your life with me
And then go away
You can't cry in my arms and let me do the same
And then disappear
You just can't tell me you would stay for me
And not expect me to want to ask.
You're confused now, you don't know what you are saying
You don't understand that this is getting real very quickly for me
And I don't know how to make it stop.
These aren't just words.
They are supposed truths that I wish I could believe
But can't stop thinking that you will change your mind, that you will find someone better
Because we all know you could.
I wish I could believe you
And I tell everyone that I trust you, and I think I could
But I don't think I do
And the worst part is
I know I did.
Once upon a time I could believe in every word that you said
But it seems like you are confessing more lies to me every day
I love that you are telling me the truth but you have wronged me in the past
And I'm not so sure I'm over it.
I want to be, I want to have everything figured out
But that's not realistic.
The upside is I have thirty days to figure out what I want to tell you.
And maybe I will just hand you this right before I go.
Do to you what you did to me
Leave the ball in your court.
But then the bad news is I have thirty days to chicken out.
So if you're reading this then I congratulate myself
I did the impossible
I told you the truth.
You're turn.

If you wanted me to hold it all in
Then you got your wish
And I never want to hear another word
Escape from your lips
If you wanted me broken then
Be happy cause I finally shattered
I've made bad choices and listened to the voices
That told me nothing mattered
If you wanted me to feel pain
And let the pain drip away
Then maybe you would have noticed
That it's your fault I don't stay
The scares are finally starting to fade
When you have to suddenly start to replay
All I've done
And the fights you've won
The stars are slowly dying
And I'm through with trying.
All the people who lie
All the stories I buy
Are the reasons for the nights
I wish I wasn't here.
And I'm done pretending
For the sake of you
I'm done acting
Like I care for you
When I say that I love you
Just know it's not true
And tonight when it starts again
Know I'll be thinking of you.
You wanted me
Well now you've got me

I've gotten in my bed
Expelled you from my mind
And you creep back in
Just like the scent of you
Making your way to my lungs.
I don't know where it came from
And I wish it would go away
And I'm scared to think
That I will wake up
Smelling you too
The only person who should do that
Is whoever is in your bed this morning

There will be no more sad songs
or nights of no sleep
worrying about you
and wondering if you are alive.
There will be no more secret deals
or desperate lies
to keep up your life style
and no more tears that fall.
There is no need for crying.
The pride I have for you
Is larger than words can describe
And if I could find the words to express it
I would want to scream it
to the world.
But I wont
I'll keep those words for us.

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with the lies
And the fear that someday
Your back will turn on me
As it has to so many others
Can I be done with the being let down
Because the expectations I have of you
Aren't even that high
I just wanted you to be there for me
But you left.

Can I be done yet?
Done with the broken promises
Of love and otherwise
Because you had no intention
Of ever putting meaning into those empty words
Can I be done with the back and forth
I need a constant
I need you to stay
Or I need you to go
But I don't need you popping in and out as you please
And I would rather it is you just disappeared

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with feeling like I'm not good enough for you
Or your family
Even though I have never tried harder
To be worthy of someone
Can I be done with the judgment
And the subtle ways you prove to me
That you will always be
More important to me
Than I am to you

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with feeling like I owe you something
When you have done
Absolutely nothing for me
Except make me feel as if
I am unloved
By the people I love most
Can I be done with always worrying about you
When you don't bat an eyelash at me
Why do I know your problem
But you don't know mine
And more importantly
Why don't you tell me yourself

Can I be done yet?
Can I be done with doing everything for you
With nothing in return
With promises of payback
But those words always being empty
And void of any true intention
Can I be done with the disrespect
And having to get along
With everyone you tell me to
But you never want to be around my friends
Because they aren't good enough for you

Can I finally be done yet?

The heaviness of my eyes reminds me
Why I don't write your name anymore
There is too much time wasted on someone
Who walks through my life
And leaves all their **** for me to clean up
Leaves their life for me to fix
And if you really cared about me
You wouldn't blatantly disregard everything I say
I'm attempting to string pretty word together
To describe how I felt in those moments
But all I want to say is
You're a parasitic *******
You're a egotistical self pitying child
You're a reliable day ruiner
You're unapologetic in the worst way possible
And I have no more pretty words for you
Congratulations
You burned me out
You took the last shred of hope I had for you
And threw it way
Then washed it down with that first shot
I no longer believe you will be ok
I don't think you will ever be ok
And I just have one more thing to say about you...
You're a ****.

When I little I used to play a few games in my back yard
They have become more real for me lately
And I think that is because you make me feel like a six-year-old again
naive and impressionable and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I used to play freeze in my friends back yard.
At night we would run around and wait for her security camera
Light to go on
And when it did
You froze.
If you were close enough to the edge of the light
Someone on the outside could pull you back
But if you were in the middle
You were *******.
And that's how I feel now
That is how you make me feel
Stuck in the middle, all eyes on me
Except in real life, with you, the light doesn't go back off
It stays on staring at me
Forcing me to rethink every step I ever made.

My best friend and I played a spy game in my back yard
Trying to figure out who the evil master mind was
With our faithful companion
Hogan
The best dog ever.
And I wish I could go back to those days
Where we could make up our own secrets
Instead of hoping the real ones wont get exposed.
Or even better
We now try to uncover real secrets
To expose our enemies for what we believe them to be.
I want to turn into that spy again and figure out
What you are feeling
From the source: your heart
Because I don't think I trust your mouth.

Tag.
Your It.

I can't pour white out all over my life
And erase all the mistakes I've made
And I wouldn't want to
Without those I've learned nothing in my life
I've never tripped on my doubt
Or spilled milk all over my hate
And that scares me more than
Hitting myself in the face with my jealousy
Or sleeping with fear in my mouth

Of course I stay up waiting for your call
Any chance I have
I take it
Missing your call is like missing
A shooting star
because I know
You aren't mine forever
You are here for this moment
But who knows what the next will bring
Maybe it will bring you everything you've been searching for
And am I wrong to want to stop that?
Yes.
I am wrong.
But I am always wrong.
I ruin things.
I would ruin you
And I would ruin us
Because
For me
That is just another day

If only the answers could be written out in front of me
Then maybe I would know which way to turn
When the choices I have to make are not completely black and white
My life is made out of grey area
And no matter how bright my flashlight is
It isn't strong enough to fight off all the shadows
Taking refuge in the corners of my mind
Waiting for the moment to carry me to an unwanted place
In an unwanted time
In an unwanted life
Right and wrong are now unrecognizable things
And maybe I can tell the difference
But admitting my mistakes is always going to be harder
Than continuing making them
And my life was never supposed to be like this
And my name was never supposed to be used like this
And my days were never meant to be spent like this
In fear of anyone finding out my true plans
Of anyone finding out who I really am
Before I have the chance to figure it out myself
And the lines around the block
To see this lonely girl
Explain to a crowd of people who don't know her
Why she does the things she does
And you will be disappointed with the answer
Because she did it for the most scary reasons
But mostly
To be happy

Your help is just about as useful as the quarters left under my pillow
In place of the bones I lost transitioning between childhood
And whatever stage I am in now
Because it isn't adulthood
It is a jumbled up mess of unwashed clothes and broken hair elastics
But mostly tears
And I have never viewed tears as a weakness
Always a strength
Because strong people feel emotion
Where weak people lack it
But even though my pillow knows my strength has no bounds
The world will never see power escape these eyes.
You'll never see the jeans laying on the floor around my room
And though I may still find coins behind my bed
They wont pay for the future they represent
And somewhere along the line
I went from making money from lost teeth
To spending money to get rid for them.
Your prayers are welcome but I don't know how much they will do
Because every prayer I ever made
Remains unanswered

I spend my weekends in the clouds
A place I never thought you would return to
And the words you said
To the long-haired boys
Still replay themselves in my head
Making me more annoyed every time
Maybe it was my brain making things worse than they were
Or maybe its the fact that
Every time you replay a memory
You change it
Maybe you weren't as insufferable as i believe
Maybe You were just trying to hard
And maybe it was the fact that your bird flew back to you
If only for a night
And when we were alone you treated me like i mattered again
So maybe you just care who sees you give compassion
Because the second your little bird came flying in
She was the only thing that mattered
Again
But that doesn't surprise me
What does is that I didn't care
I didn't care when you didn't pay attention
I didn't care that people were talking about you
And I didn't try to defend you
I've done enough of that
It's time for you to grow up
Without my help
Whatever you want the world to think of you
Is fine with me
And i wont try to tell people differently
And i wont get them to change their minds
Just like how i wont try to help you live your life
Anymore
Because
Too bad for you
I can move on
And you don't even know it
I didn't even know it until the night after
But you don't have me as you back up plan anymore
And I will sit in this five by two room
And do all the things that you cant
Do all the things that should keep you away from me
Because
While you are great when you spell out your words
Face to face may not be your thing

I stay up at night
Wondering if you do the same
But I never seem to wonder if you are
Thinking about me
Because you never are
And I wish I could keep you in a bubble
And protect you from anything I see as wrong for you
But you need to make those choices,
Or
Rather
Those mistakes
Yourself.
I can't lead you down a right path
Especially since that isn't the path I'm on.
And maybe what I've been telling everyone is true
I do believe we will be together
In the end
But we aren't ready for our forever to start
Now

Please let me know if you cant talk to me
Because I'm tired of pouring my heart out
To someone who's not listening.
I know you've got you're new girl
I knew you'd find someone better
We are falling apart at the seams
And promises I thought would last forever
Are crumbling before my eyes
They are ash in the wind
That you will just blow into the next persons face.
I can't concentrate on a **** thing
because I'm either trying to figure out what to say next
Or worrying because it wasn't good enough for you
Because nothing I ever do is good enough for anyone.
I don't need you every minute
Even though I can't remember the last time
I didn't answer when you called
But I would just love if you could answer me that simple question
Do you still care?
Yes or No?

I feel like all I ever say is sorry
Well I'm sorry
But I'm done apologizing
For what I am
I'm not my sister
And that kills you
But little did you know
That kills me too
I want to be someone you are proud of
But I won't be someone that I am not
You make me want to indulge in a bottle
And sometimes I do
You make me want to inhale your hate
I usually do
You make me want to rip off me skin
And I always do.
You get what you give
Right?
If you can take it you can dish it
Right?
Well I can give it and I can dish it
But the question is
Can you?
Cause up until now
I have been reserved
And not shared how I really feel
And masked it with feelings you would fine acceptable
But I have come to the conclusion
That I am not acceptable
And I don't care
Cause in no world
Will you ever be close to
Mediocre

The only constant is change.
That must be your reasoning for why
Your emotions are constantly changing
Are you trying to find some stability
In a life where there is none.
And if I am the closest thing you have to stable
Then you must live your whole life
In the last ten minutes of Titanic.
Well good luck in the future
Because I am done being your rock.
If you've never noticed
People step on rocks
And the pebbles don't even get a thank you
When you use them as stepping stones
To cross your precious river.
Not only am I not interested in being
Walked over by you
I do not intend to spend the rest of my life
As your stability
Because do you know what happens to Stability?
Nothing.
Nothing happens to Stability.

I found something worth crying for
And it's the fact that tears were gathering in your eyes as we had to say goodbye
It was the first time I could really tell you loved me.
I could tell you were trying to hold back streams of tears
I wish we had both let it out
One last cry in the arms of the person I loved most in the world.
The person I trusted most.
A final gift
A final hug
And like that you were gone
And I was left to explain where you had gone to
"He's gone"
That's all you want me to tell people
So that's what I will tell people.
Hello World!!!
He's gone!!!
And I really hope he comes back
But I just don't know.

I still ******* love you
And I don't know what to do about it
Because whenever I start to forget
The sound of Mosquitos
Reminds me of all the whispers
I bet you don't even remember what you said to me
What you promised to me
I don't expect that from you
Monkeys could see what you were doing to me
But I guess my inferiority got to me
And I let it slide
But if strangers tell me to stay away
Should I listen?
You don't even make an effort anymore
So why should I?
Why do I still feel the need to tell you everything
Because it's occurred to me that I don't know you
I don't know if I ever did
But I know that this person you've become
The hallow person
Isn't who I wanted
And I'm a horrible person for saying that
Maybe now that nothing is clouding your judgment
You've realized you can do better
Or admitted that I can
But you were never the kind to admit defeat
There was a time that I couldn't picture my life without you
I cried to you not to go
Not to change
Not to leave me all alone
But now the best thing you can do for me
Is to never speak to me again
I never wanted to be this person
I never wanted to give up on you
But you've given me no choice
Wherever you are
Stay there
Don't come looking for me
Because there is nothing left here
For you to find

It's just an embrace.
but when you think about it
it's not even that.
Its just two bodies
coming together
for warmth.

But today was the hottest day so far.

Something about the way
your arms fit perfectly around my back
or how my arms effortlessly rap around your shoulders
or how my head and your chin fit like puzzle pieces
makes me question
if it was really
just a hug

Destruction is in my breath.
It is every word left unheard
By the people I love most.
It is every note I let escape my lips
When I think you aren't paying attention.
It is every cry I let swallow me at night
Because I know
People only hear when they aren't listening.

The moons never talked to you
The way you wanted them to
Because they saw the truth
They saw your lies
In a way I could never
The northern lights dimmed when they caught sight of you
And the milky way shied away
Because if stars are good at one thing
It's fear
You've painted my heart black
And at first you told me it was so
I could travel the night with you
Unnoticed
But I've recently realized how many things
Are wrong with that statement
You never cared about me
You cared about the wind
And how it disappeared when you got far enough away
You liked the seclusion
You feed off the feelings of lose
People feel when you travel
When the sky turns pink
Thats when you'll return to me
From you illustrious travels
My dear Foreigner
That is when I will trust you with my heart again
When the sky tells me it is right
Because the sky is the only person left who hasn't lied to me
And all I want is to rest in her stars
And all I want is for the lies to be done
And all I want is for the loneliness to subside
And it's not to much to ask for
Because I know just how to do it