You seem to enjoy fixing things that aren't
Broken
Like my stairs
Or my swing set
Or my home.
No one asked you to step in
And try to make everything better
I don't need you painting my room
Or planting my grass
Or loving my my mom back to health.
We are broken.
And maybe I liked it that way.

My breath reaches for the stars
Creating clouds to obscure their vanity
But my fingertips pull me closer to the cement
And knowing that the last step is longing than the rest
Is helpful on the way up
But soon forgotten on the way back
Down
Dirt gets in between my toes
As I run towards comfort
That may or may not be
The
Fantasies of a child's mind
Playing hop-scotch
In a teenagers body
In a teenagers life
Walking down the
Hall
At school
Pretending that you cared enough
To carry my books
Even if my class is on the other side of the school
But
There
Aren't even books that are able to be carried
Especially by you
Because you don't even know what classes I'm taking
And all I'm asking of you
Is
To treat me like you did before
When you still thought you needed
To gain my love
Because just cause you have it
Doesn't mean I can't take it away
All I'm asking of you
Is some time for
A
Heart to grow open
And consume the love it's given
The love I offered you
But threw away
All I'm asking of you
Is to be a
Man
And own up to your feelings no matter how small
Because this might come as a shock
But you need me
And I can do without someone
Who
Wants the world on a string
Without ever casting his hook
Into the depths of his mind
Where he will
Never
Find the questions he is looking to ask
To match the answers he already knows.
Your head
Sleeps
On a pillow too far from mine
Yet I wish you could be farther
Because we only seem to work when
We have something holding us back
And I don't know
How
This came to be
But dysfunctional as it is
As we are
As
I
Am
I wouldn't want it any other way
And the stars in the sky scream for my
Wish
But I'll never tell the sky
It is far too vast
Far too many souls to tell
And not enough heart for me
So maybe
I
Will tell the blades of grass
I pulled out of the earth
While listening to silence
Because we never needed to say anything
Maybe I
Could
Tell the flies that circled my head
That night it all seemed like it was over
And it was all starting
In one breath
And I wish the planets would
Be
A bit more forgiving
But they remember everything
Every letter I threw out there
Like
A bird from a nest
That would never be able to fly
Just to see if they could float
But I guess my wings will never be strong enough for
**Him

The Lego castles I built when I was little
Aren't strong enough to keep you safe
But they are the best I can do.
And I promise
The collapsed dollhouse in the garage
Is not a fair representation of me.
Though it might be a bit too close to the truth.
And I've never been good at Jacks
But I promise to pick up all your pieces
Every time you get thrown around.
And I got good practice
Taking care of people
Through all the stories I made up when I was five
And the rubber heads of my Barbies
We're always still connected to the plastic bodies
At the end.
So I think I have good experience
On how to stay alive in the real world
So maybe we could live in Lego houses forever
Please?

I'm staring to a wet footprint
At least that's what I think it is
I can't really tell
My vision is too blurring
My eyes are too dry
Because the last time I let go
Seems so long ago
But I'm determined not to do it again
Because
According to your institution
I'm not worthy of release
And all the eyes in this room
Are focused elsewhere
So why do I feel like I'm being watched
And why do I feel as if no one cares
And I'm wondering if I care
If I think the next year is worth this strain
And I'm beginning to be certain it isn't.

I had never felt closer to a person
Than in that moment
And now we were never farther
And I won't be the one to build the next bridge
Just to see you burn it
I thought you would whisper to me
The secrets of the universe
Little did I know
That everything you had said was falsified
And unimportant
I am not some crash test dummy
You can practice your feelings on
To see which ones break me
Just so you can sweet talk your way through
Life
Eventhough I know you've never been too good with words
The most profound thing about you
Is that you can make people believe you
You can make me believe you
When I have witnessed your manipulation
Time and time again
But I always thought I was different
That must be the most idiotic thing I have ever done
Believe in you
Believe in your words
The ones that used to create clouds for me to live in
I could have lived forever in those words
But just like my smile
They pass
And they won't return
They are waved away into nothingness
And I have to watch as my life fades with them
And I could create a million clouds
And they would still never be enough
I have no new love for you
Just the same feeling of dread
Everytime you make a wrong turn
So basically that feeling never goes away
But
For your sake
I hope you find a way to keep it there
Because you're running out of time
And I'm running out of capacity
And you are taking up too much room
Not in my heart but in my brain
And that's a place I never wanted you

Everything I write I write for you
Every syllable every word
Is all I wish I had the courage so say to you
But don't.

Don't call me "punk", don't call me "druggy"
And don't you care call me by my home town.
That's where I've been not who I am
And if that is your impression of me
you obviously don't know who I am.
But that doesn't surprise me
No one in this town ever really knew
Next door doesn't even grasp it
So let me explain it to you
Though I am always myself I am not always the same person.
When I'm with you I'm the person you want
When I'm with them...
But it always seems I'm a little too much for you
And not enough for them
But unlike you
They don't seem to mind
They don't criticize my every move
And they love me without putting me down
Or trying to put me into a box where I don't fit
And
I'm sorry
But I just don't fit in your box.
I'm not made of clay that you can bend into a desired shape
And my heart doesn't have strings attached that you can pull like a puppet
And make me dance
You cant control who I am
Who I was
Who I will be
I can't even do that.
So you can put on your show
And make everyone believe you are something you are not
But I know who you are
Because I don't try to put you into any boxes
Not even the one that you are bending over backwards to get into.
Am I the only one who finds it liberating to breathe in the fresh air
Instead of being confined to breathing the same air
As you are passed on from one box to another
Until the only one left is a pine box that will hold you forever
Excuse me if that is the only box I ever want to fit into
The shapes I make are way too elaborate to be labeled as "punk" or "druggy"
And especially not by my hometown.

Last night as we sat under the stars
We were so far away but I felt close
Due to how tightly I was holding a piece of metal to my head
Just so I wouldn't miss a syllable
A breath
I wanted to hear everything.
That's the closest I have felt to you in a while
And I came clean
But you left me with questions I don't know how to answer
And comments I don't know how to process
In the simplistic head I wear above my shoulders
For me, not a necessity
But an accessory
Because my head never really did me any good
It's just there to pull the look together
It has no real purpose.
My thoughts are small and unimportant
Especially to a person like you
Whose thoughts could change the world
If you would just try
So thank you for every time you made me feel as if
I was smart enough to match you
But I then take them all back
For there are equal times you made me feel
Less than
Unimportant
Weak
But at least you have a solid ratio.

My minds been compromised.
I can't form sentences
But when I do
It's just a jumbled up mess
Of the broken words
That fell out the window
That one cloudy night
Last May.
My minds made a compromise
With my heart.
One wont feel for you
If the other doesn't think of you
But they both have problems with
Keeping their promises.
Your tear-soaked "sorry"'s are on my clothes line
A different color for everyday
I cried to you through florescent light.
Caring is written on the ball
That I always throw correctly
But never really hit the target.
Caring is spray painted on your ceiling
But you always seemed to miss it
Every time you went to sleep.
Caring is the name of the one-way
Dead end
Street that I walk down every single day
Hoping for a different outcome.
And hoping was always something
I had left to those
More experience in short comings
Until I realized that the people
I should have been relying on
Were the people who hoped blindly and
Got everything they didn't know they wanted.
And for some reason
I wish it hurt more when you don't answer
Because then maybe I would have a new emotion
To connect to your smell.
And God only ever shed his light on me
When he knew I was indecent
But to be lit at all
Is a blessing itself
Right?
Right.
That is the only right answer to that question.
Right?

We never held hands, at least you never held my hand
And now I'm worried that will never happen
that my hands will stay empty forever.
My hands are perpetual black holes of happiness
******* the joy out of everything they touch
and I'm sorry you got caught up in that
you had no idea what you were doing to yourself when you asked me to talk
and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the mess you were willingly walking into.
Maybe things would have turned out differently
but I can tell you one thing;
the next time I see you
the first thing I will do is hold my own hand
and pretend it's you.

Words don't carry much weight
When they spring from hallow lips
Let alone
A hallow heart
Where not even your blood cells will enter
For fear of being trapped
In that black hole forever
Just like me
I have been pulled into your nothingness
And I cannot escape the grasp
Of your need to be alone
And my need to be needed
You made me feel that way
Until you made me feel like
The raindrops that made lines on my skin
Were useless and unimportant
Compared to the ink dripping from your vanes
Because you always were a poet
You had the perfect words
For the perfect times
To make perfect moments
But only when you spelled it out for me
Your voice never delivered the same grace
As your tire tracks fade
So will my need to keep them there
Just because you've been somewhere
Doesn't mean you'll return
And holding onto indents in the snow
Is an arbitrary action
That I will no longer take part in
The only things I will hold onto
Are the tree branches that carried me
Long before you came around
And tried to take their spot
But you're just not strong enough to beat my oak tree
And it's a shame
Because all this time
All I've wanted to do is trust you
But your breath speaks lowder than your words
And it tells me the past and future
Both of which scare me
And I'll watch the fog roll in
And wonder if the grass ever gets frightened in the dark
Because I know I do
Colored paper and tea leaves won't keep me safe
Only you can do that
So since safely isn't an option
I will have to fight
But do me a favor
Don't trust in the rose petals on your doorstep
Fear them

It kills me to know
that you'll never care for me
the way you do for her.
it rips my heart out when
you talk to me in the hallway
but its worse
when you look straight through me.
I want to hate you for loving her better
but that's not fair
because I'm not sure if you loved me in the first place.
If I stopped talking to you
would you send me
late night messages reading
I miss us.
when we were never together?
no.
because we did stop talking
but it was the other way around.
you ignored me
for weeks
and i played it cool
and pretended like i didn't care
when all i did was compare myself
to her
or her
or her or her
or any other girl you seemed to care more for.
I think you are just comfortable
in our relationship
knowing someone will always be there for you
might make you feel as if
they don't need you too
but I need you
and i will need you
and right now i need you to stop ******* up.
you said you would do it for her
and you said you never listened to her
and you commonly say things
that contradict
the previous sentence
but i was willing to accept those things
and you were willing to accept me
for all my flaws
and God knows there's many
too bad we just couldn't feel that way at the same time
cause i know together
we would have been great
and i wouldn't have tried to change you
but i guess you just fall for girls
that will never accept you.

Everyone wears a mask
Though yours is beautiful and hard
You aren't as skilled as you think.
I can see the pain in the one place the mask doesn't cover
Your eyes tell the tales of nights gone too long on the street
And fights gone too rough with daddy dearest
And I wish I could protect you from the hurt
But you revel in it.
You use your pain as an excuse for all your actions
And I let you.
I encourage it.
I blame them as well.
The world hasn't been fair to you
But you haven't been fair to the world
Did you give all you could?
Try your hardest?
No.
You gave the amount of effort you thought would make you cool.
That might have worked
But look where we are now.
You tried just about as hard
As a peacock tries to fly
When I know you could soar.
You are just consumed with yourself.
You show off your tail
And watch people run in the other direction.
All I wanted was to see you fly.
You couldn't even do that.
So I'm leaving without you
I'm flying high and leaving you behind.
The view of the sunset from earth might be beautiful
But the view from up here
Is infinitely better
Partly because you aren't here
Mostly because I can still see you
From the sky.

I was proud of you
But you ruined that
You promised you wouldn't change again
But you broke that
And it makes me wonder
What else you could break...
I made a habit of not blaming you
Of giving you an out
But that's done.
I'm to blame
You're to blame
Maybe everyone's to blame
But I don't care about everyone
I care about you
And I care about me
And I care about the fact that
Nothing will ever happen.

I burned my thumbs searching for your approval
And scraped my knees tripping through the recesses
Of your mind
But now I'm finding myself needing to
Paint over the flaws I made for you
To get you to look my way
All you left me with was a bag of cliches
And wet feet from running in the rain
Trying to make it to your side.
I was abandoned before you arrived
And I was found before I was lost
So now I will be going back to my old ways
But as long as your steps are forward
It doesn't matter how many steps back
My feet take my mind.

I listen to your voice on repeat
And I'm dying because I missed you
And I miss you
Everyday I want you to come home
But fear the day you do
And I want you to be safe
But know I'm not the one who
Can supply that for you.
I'm living a lie
About you
And with you
And no matter what
If it's with you
It feels wrong
Everything feels wrong
And you are the only one who can
Make it right

4:00 am
And you know
I keep the volume up on my phone
Just in case you call.
Even change my ringtone
Before I go to sleep
To something that will wake me up.
It's stupid.
I know.
But I do it because
No matter what time it is
I always want to be talking to you.

I inflict my own pain
So you can't hurt me
You can't torment me more
Than the snow
That always remembers my footprints
And where they took me
And though I can always hear the wind
It never seems to reach my skin
And I prefer red leaves to green
Because they appear to be on fire
And all I want is my life to
Be
On
Fire
And have flames run through my vanes
And engrave itself on the back of my neck
To represent the childhood house
That might as well be ash
Because there is nothing left worth saving

I get it now
Why they call it a crush
Because my heart is crumbled
Like the Coke can in your hand
You didn't mean to
You didn't know I gave it to you
You clenched a fist without thinking
I don't blame you
I know you've felt this way
And caused this pain before
I can feel my stomach
In ways I never thought I would
It's beating like a heart
Maybe because
My heart never beats
Only pounds
And only when I see you
I love when you hug me
But hate when you let go
Because when you hold me
You carry me above the world
But when you let go
I fall

I've always been good at falling
but I never really stuck the landing.
I was hoping
this time
you'd be my White Knight
dressed in all black
I was hoping
this time
I wouldn't have to land.
I wanted to be caught
but I slipped through your hands
and into this poem

You always seem to know the wrong things to say
At the right time
Or is it the right things to say
At the wrong time
Or maybe it's both
But
No matter what
The wrong always outshines the right
Because in the end the timing doesn't matter
It's what you said in the time that you were given
That will dictate how people remember you
But you are hollow
And I will always remember you as
The boy
With the chocolate coated nothing words

I realized tonight that you don't really care about me
And you spit out words and aim to please
But you don't take into account that we are people
We live and we talk and I know
I have feelings! And you can't just play with them!
Say what you think I deserve and disregard the truth?
Is that what you think friendship is?
Is that what you think love is?
I feel like some old sofa
That might have gotten you through your glory years
But just has one too many stains for you now
So you move on to the next shinny new toy.
And you leave me on the side of the road
Hoping some poor guy who has no idea what he is getting into
Picks me up and takes me away,
And if someone doesn't
No problem
Once I've spent a good amount of time on the outside
looking in on the warmth I once knew
You will take me to the dump and get rid of me once and for all.
Is that all I am to you?
Stability and a blessing?
I got you through this year?
Is that all you want from me?
Are you done with me now?
Fine.
I will still give you everything
I will still give you all of me
Because I will never meet anyone I love more
At least I hope not to because I never want another person
who will be able to rip my heart out by saying nothing.
I knew it was too good to believe
I knew you'd find someone better
So why am I so upset that you did
Once again you lived up to my expectations.
Empty promises and empty bottles are all I have left of you
And I wish I could lie and say that's all I want from you
Because that would make this poem end in a nice neat bow
But that's not true.
I want more of you.
And I don't want to spend the rest of my life as your lap dog
I want you to live up to your words
Or take them back
Or just do something with them
Because as they are right now
They are reused and old and bled dry of any real emotion
They are rung out and left out to dry on the cloths line of my inbox
Hoping one day they will mean something more
But no longer having faith that things will ever end up the way I want them to
I can clean myself as much as you want
But I will always be scared and flawed
And that will never be good enough for you
I will never be good enough for you
At least that's how you make me feel
And no one should have that power
I want to be over you
But I'm slowly realizing that will never happen.
You told me you will always be in my life but I'm not sure if I want that
I just want you to tell me that I will be okay
But you can't
No one talks to their old couches
You tried to fix me
You tried to sew on patches to my broken heart
But I ask too much of you
I don't try to but it always seems like too much
It always seems like something else is more important
But you are the most important thing to me
So can you promise me something?
Instead of leaving me on the side of the road
Just leave me in your basement
Because that way maybe I'll think you will come back for me
And I will have something to live for
And I won't even care when you never return
My heart wont even hurt a little
Because sofas don't have hearts
And that's all I am.

I can't hide from the pictures on my wall
Or the shadows in my room
Or the ballet shoes in my closet
That used to fit perfectly.
The mirrors know what I've done
And the Hand-Me-Down clothes judge me
From their untouched spots in my closet.
The old school books know my past
And the summer reading I haven't done
Attempts to tell the future
And it's probably right.
The old toys stored under my bed
Used to keep the monsters away
But now my stuffed animals help them
Reach through the cracks in my wood floor.
Unfolded laundry spills my secrets
To people who walk by
And folded cloths offer up gossip
To anyone who will give them some attention
Even though
Anything that is folded hasn't been touched in years.
Winter shoes are crying for approval
And summer shoes are screaming for a break
And I'm lost in the middle looking for both.
But my blankets and pillows have it worse
Because they can only guess why
I cling to them when the lights turn off.