With you,
The color blue is never sad.
The north winds are cold,
But there is no chill.
The sun is a friend I had not noticed,
Beaming.

With you,
My hands are woven
And the grass is weaving
A great blanket,
Safe and long and warm
Like your hands,
When they cover,
When they touch me
Like my lost, new found friends
The sun and the sheltering
Earth
And the autumn winds,
I no longer dread,
No longer fear,
With you.

You looked at me

With this soft smile,

These eyes

That seemed to grasp me.

And it hurts.

I couldn’t see the reflection

Or the reality

Of what you seem to perceive

All I could see was a rerun

Of their conceptions of me

Of every rough grab at my body

Of every cold tongue that slides between my lips

Of every *******

That I asked for

But felt solely like a violation…

I pull this smile across my face and look at you

I know you

This you

Every you

And it hurts.

I can’t see this girl

Or woman

You see

Who looks so beautiful

And is so interesting that

You are intoxicated.

I can only see the fear.

My fear of being touched

By someone I care for

Only being able to pray it is for real

Because betrayal by you would push

Too deep

Because they have gone

Too deep

And I can only feel their breath

And sloppy kisses

And hard genitals

Pressed against me

Until the meaning is gone

All it has become is a warm body part

That wants to be in me

*** on me

Walk out the door and leave me.

I look at you

And you look at me

I speak choked

Chuckle covered words

And you just smile

Why are you smiling…

And you kiss my forehead

This same forehead

That has been pressed against the bed

While I am taken from behind

Back arched in burden

Head down by a hand

Whose hand it doesn’t matter

They are all the same

Just coarse fingertips

Fingerprints that I try to wash off in the shower

But all I get is another layer of my skin

Hoping

That maybe I am not bruised underneath

But I know I am.

Your arm is around me

This protecting bar

That holds me close

To a warm body that doesn’t merely want to **** me.

I look at your chest

It rises and falls

Fabric pulling

So real

And I place my hand against your chest

And I feel your heart

And I see your smile

And it hurts

To feel so safe.

his essence
cascades across
the grain of my frame;
as his eyes dilate,
imbibing in the beauty
of motion teasing the lull
of moonbeams as it
dabbles
against the infinity
of our minds

beholding
our reflected image
in mirrored composure,
as our delicacy of want
pushes
towards an edge
of lustiness
entwined within
warbled notes
of rock wrens
singing love songs
as they dip
their wings
on early
summer
morn's

my eyes close
as softness of
lips touch upon
mine own; sending
thoughts to lucid
stillness of serendipity
bathing our contoured
frames in dulcetness
aligned within pouted
hunger tasting one
another in unity

kaleidoscopic prisms
alight in our eyes
as the lull of the moon
pulls the ebb and flow
of the ocean's current
as our bodies move
in rhythm with its
motion of each
cresting wave
crashing against
the shores of
our soul's fluidity
burbling in ecstasy

At some point I became a ghost
In my own house,
Just a shadow dancing past closed doors,
hurt feelings swelling under old scars,
like a bursting seem, holding back broken dreams.
Picking the wounds off and leaving
The skeletons in the closet
Where they belong.
I would love to feel, but it’s been too long.
Old friends fall in the backdrop silently
Somehow they have become the walls.
You’re the only one who not hiding
The only friend to reach out and feel me.
The only thing encouraging breathing,
I guess most people don’t speak to ghosts
I guess most people don't see me.

I wonder how bright my tears shimmered
Refracting your flickering light,
I wonder what thoughts had filtered,
Through your changing mind that night.
Your smile builds me upright,
Until it quivers and I fall
To pieces under nightlights
Until morning sooths and calms.
But nothing feels quite as right
As crying in your arms,
While laughing at our fears
Pretending nothings wrong,
Pretending that you would stay forever,
Until the day you’ve gone.
Every night without your light
Just seems to dark and long.

Flashes of denial campaign
undiscovered in my ears
while laughter sounds out like static
from a land where words
expose their wonder.  
What lies beneath
waves of pleading promises
that lie touching my heart
like winds of change
bring on thunder?

Has my existence flown
to find the answers
inside of years
up on the silent mountaintop
that I once called
my home?
I find that now I live with chaos
looking in my windows
at every single hollow place
it sees
when I am sitting
all alone.

Insanity is everywhere
I see it staring at my mouth
as honesty spews on everything
I deny to be,
while in all of my despair
I hear words
laughing out at me.
I breathe in deep then lift the voice
with which I write
and wait........
for my pen to bleed.

She sings and I break.
Flood of unwanted memories.
Waves crashing down.
Here it is—the song—those notes—
Hand clenching the armrest.
Fingers white; knuckles clenched; rings bulging off my fingers,
Squeezing, gripping, relying on that armrest to be rooted in the Earth
so that I am not taken away.

He hums and I squirm.
So nonchalant. Casual. Like it’s nothing.
Like it’s just a song.

It’s NOT just a song.

As if having two cans with a string attached we got connected
I was on your mind and that was better than I expected.
I sense we harbor the same feelings, like my new train of thought I now carry
You showed me a new trick in the living you prosper from
You are full of new tricks I can see, and there is many more to come.
I can also see you’re on the way to patent a new technique in the art,
You learned from the best, and you learned it right from the start.
Traveling faster than the speed of light I am propelled forward
Mind is racing all the more remembering back to an earlier time
Now I’m heading to the room, the only room I ever begged to enter before
Back then I was led away and to only the chapel’s door.
Inside there alone, my eyes let loose, gallons of salty water.
Wanting to replenish at the machine I find I’m short a quarter.
Walking through all the twists and turns like in a maze
Up and down the stairs we also climbed, about face we now then descended
Found myself now in the room I cried to see,
So cold inside, I didn’t even have to check its A/C.
Dragging my left hand now along the wall, walking all the faster out so I didn’t stall
But really I held it so I wouldn’t fall,
Fuzzy feeling all throughout me like me I was in a haze.
Pushing you out all along the way, I enjoyed for that was no place to stay,
With delight and high honor I did give to you, too bad it had to be this way.
Faces did see what I did and I saw those looking, eyes all in a gaze.
Ridding with you lying in the back, I know what is to come next of you,
I just watched it only days before, O’ how now my heart is so sore
Attached I fight so hard from becoming, and I lose every time
What good money you don’t come from, that is the only crime.
I know you are still in there and wanted to leave the light on just in case
Congregation was told of my endeavors today, after my prayer request, you went into space.
To heaven you go, for that I believe is the only place.
Seemed to be the same every Sunday my request goes out
And for the grieving families you left behind it just make me want to stand up and shout.
I also pray that when exam time comes, seventy credits yes I need to pass the test,
But till Tuesday you were supposed to be the only guest
(CARSr. 5-26-12), (CARSr. 5-28-12)