Theses times ,that I struggle to survive in, lash out with malicious intent cutting deep with in my soul rekindling old irrational fears.

Fighting to maintain some sanity seams futile as time erodes more and more of my spirit throughout the passing years.

I've watched time defeat much more worthy opponents and  leave them quivering from what has become their reality.

The vast array of weaponry is inconceivable, but the most deadly assaults are swiftly silent because time itself we can not see.

Diligently pressing forward in the attack, patiently waiting for the sign of defeat for my movements it knows only too well.

The battle rages on and the casualties weigh heavy on my mind, how much longer can I hold up I wonder, an answer only time can tell.

The fall, in itself, can be so painstakingly long and drawn out so why is it that getting back up is the hardest part.

Fighting to shield your soul from the pain of that impact, desperately trying to spare yourself from bearing  witness as the pieces of your life chaotically fly apart.

My castle is my safe Haven  and at the same time, this my fortress ,stifles so many parts of me  behind its imposing walls of stone.

I find solace in my  sequestration, able to hide from this cold world, but at what cost, I wonder as I sit shivering upon my lonely throne.

The sound of the words that failed to escaped my lips is  echoing with deafening force throughout these empty halls.

For this moment, however, I must find the courage to rise again , I tell myself at some point everyone, even the strongest warrior eventually falls.

Loneliness creeps in leaving a dark hue covering my soul

Change will inevitably grace each one of our lives and the best advice they seam to have for me is to just go with the flow.

Yet this same unstoppable force is what fuels our most passionate quarrels, your famous line "you are not the same person that I used to know"

I  will admit that things about me are not the same but I wish you would realize that this affliction is yours as well and  there a many difference in you too.

I know that you sense my distance and think it is just me being cold, has the thought escaped you that may be result of the inconsistent harshness spewing out of  you.

As the time passes between us we have our ups and our downs, all the while you become more and more focused on the "little things" causing you displeasure.

Yet when push comes to shove and both of our headstrong tempers begin to flare you twist things around and portray me as the aggressor.

My emotions have been on a never ending  roller coaster ride of torment mashed into chaos, yes I have changed cause I can take no more.

Once upon a time our love was effervescent, laughter echoed thru our halls, now the silence of thoughts unspoken replace most all of what was there before.

I always thought that change was a good thing, a natural response to the world that we are surrounded by.

Well whom ever came up with that notion forgot the disclosure...... May cause heartache, inflammation of the emotions and an overwhelming feeling for the need to cry.

At the end of the day I can find no other place to lay the  blame but on myself.
           Although it possibly may be my demise, I allow myself to care for those that refuse to see past their own desire.
          Intently I give the best of me and in turn I unintentionally add fuel to their self indulgent fire.

           At the end of the day I must admit that the reason I feel the way I do soley rests on my shoulders.
           How ridiculously nieve of me to believe that the same rules you  set forth, you yourself would abide by.
          Consistently ever changing are the expectations placed upon my shoulders, I fail to see a reason for me to try.

At the end of the day there is only a vaugue reflection staring back from the other side of the mirror.
          More often than not I find myself trying to mask my angst and perpetrate that all is as it should be.  
          A sullen little marrionet playing pretend, frantically attempting to hide her strings so the world will think she is free.

I am in awe of the deep silence of an eternal sleep, one which is unable to ever be broken.

          Indulging in the notion that no longer shall i be tormented by these thoughts and words never spoken.

A peaceful hush, that is capable of washing away all of the constant clammering inside mind.

           A place of refuge from the chaos which lingers in my dreams, such a place I fear I will never find.

Watching the world, standing beside myself, knowing that the screams in my head no one will never hear.

              I hold on to the hope that on the day before your life changes forever the answers may not be fully known, but at least become more clear.

The words of anger you spill can penetrate deep into my soul, your icy chill makes my blood run cold.  

The constant judging glances that you  cast my way can instantly make my courage fold.  

                     But that's just a family affair.

It cuts so much deeper when the knife thrusted into my back is wielded by one that shares my family name.

A person that I  would die to protect suddenly has me second guessing if they would do the same.

             But hey , that's a family affair.


You can bring out of me a rage like no other person can and in an instant all I can see is a fiery red hue.

But despite it all we are family, you will always be connected me and I will always be connected to you.

   That's how it goes when it's a family affair

A picture can capture a single moment in time which then can be worth a thousand words , if asked I  believe most would agree to say.

I often find myself left wondering, sad  but true, how many of these  pictures are speaking lies and half truths on family portrait day.

Gathered around the camera , each one dressed up to the nines, making sure they all look flawless in the glow of the photographer's light.

Inside their heads are swirling and mom is still raging with fury, but nothing will ruin this photo not even memories of last nights fight.

Dad has been hitting the bottle to escape from his this life that he leads but for this photo, this precious remembrance, just consider him Mr.Brady

Mom's holds a secret as well, while dad is away she hides her brand new playmate, but this snapshot has paused her game  and Mom pretends she is a lady.

There is daddy's precious little girl, he pretends not to see that she is very unstable doing lines at the table, while  her beauty hides all of her madness.

Wait there is one that was almost forgotten, which is how he spends most of his life, in this portrait he'll shine covering up his heart wrenching sadness.

The picture turned out to look brilliant , so proudly it was first mounted then hung high up on the wall.
  
The portrait will last a life time, in fact it will most likely still gleam when this perfect family starts to fall.

These wicked emotions swelling up inside reek havoc upon the sanctity  I so desperately need to find.

    Gasping frantically for a breath of air, I am drowning in the overwhelming  dejection that is flowing thru out my mind.

   So I will just hush.

        Locked within this superficial world built on a foundation of complacency,  it has become taboo to maintain a sense of  hope.

      Effortlessly individual thoughts are manipulated, silently molded, while obliviously gliding on this slippery *****.

            Still I should just hush.

It nearly chokes the life out of me , just the idea of digesting the spoon fed lies they attempt to force feed me everyday.

        Private wars are being waged before our eyes, yet the colossal facade of stability is what  continually they portray.

                    Again they say hush.

     But I scream back I will no longer hush.

If only there was a way that I could take pieces of you and put them in place of the distorted parts that spread their pollution inside of me.

It amazes me how your sadness never kept you down ,no matter how tremendous it was, your strength is all that you would allow the outside world to see.

I wish i could mimic the kindness that you used to show to so many , even to those that repeatedly and intentionally tried to beat down your lovely soul.

If only i could have bathed myself in your charisma or the ability you had to keep moving forward instead of getting swallowed up by misery's black hole.

I imagine myself painting this dark world with the many splendid colors that once poured out from with in your beautiful heart.

I've longed to be able imitate the sparkle that for so long  filled your eyes, only if i were able to use these pieces of you to better myself , but with so much allure I am not sure where to start.

This fire smoldering between us burns so very intense that all my inhibitions just seem to melt away.

I can't stop myself from becoming drunk off the intoxication of your captivating physic, MMMM  I love feeling this way.

I see your eyes light up with expectancy when I tease you, sending waves of temptation thru your imagination.

With deep anticipation, I savor the idea of our bodies intertwined and my head becomes dizzy from my hearts acceleration.

Curving my long sleek body to fit into your mold, while teasing nibbles and seductive kisses are given in just the right place.

Breathless whispers fueled by pure desire, exploring each others body with enticing caresses as we long to stay locked in this lustful embrace.

Throughout my life I swear  I've heard it all ,

That white  mommies don't have brown babies.( guess we showed them mom)

It is just a rash, um yea, you know that's scabies?

That havin rhythm is just the same as birth control.

Just take one hit.... May as well go on and sell your soul .

The infamous, nothing is ever as bad as it may seem.

Remember there is no I in the word team.(  but there's is one on win hehe)

Don't act like your **** don't stink.  

The classic, the end is closer than we  think.

There is no such thing as a stupid question... Yea Right!

We all look the same if we turn off the light.

It will only hurt for a minute( well that really depends now doesn't it)

The water is not cold..go ahead jump in it.

To the shamless, don't worry I promise I'll call.

Let me stop  right there, cuz really now I've heard it all

I know not what I must do to rid my mind of this endless
silence

Make it rain
To rid my pain

Lighting fills the night sky to shield the world from my echoing cries.

*Make it rain
To rid my pain

I wish that there was a way that made sense for me to show you all of the chaotic nonsense that is lingering along side of me inside my already crowded head.

There are days when i just want to laugh at the silliest things and wear my smile for all the world to see, other days I get trapped in the darkness and I dread the idea of leaving the sanctity of my bed.

Sometimes I feel like all the noise cluttering this world has over run me and is now squatting un welcomed inside my skin and it is enough to drive me mad.

Then in the blink of an eye the nothingness gains back its control and the silence locks me in with my tormented thoughts and memories making me long for the noise I once had.

Like most in this world I have longed to find my One, the missing piece to my puzzle , but i fear my puzzle is defective and I do not deserve the same love back that I wish to give to only you.

Who is this person hidden behind my eyes, she is passionate, firery and can at times be quite playful intertwined with this introverted, angry, and sad entity that has lost her way, not knowing what to do.

Im am drowning in the uncertainty of half the time feeling alone like there is no one that would understand me while I secretly pray  that they don't make it past my defensive wall.

Pushing people away is how I have always made sure I was safe, it is what I have done best, but beneath the scars of my heart I  have been waiting for you to protect me from the scattering debris when inevitably my wall begins to fall.