it was so dark that i couldn't see
his hand slip into mine, and i was numb enough
by the end of the night that my head didn't realize
what it meant when he reached under my skirt;
for the first time in a long time i felt something,
even if it was only skin against bone
(i had already known i was
a skeleton of what i used to be)
later, another boy came along
and kissed my bruises away
(ones i didn't even know i had until
they were gone, but i felt them like
phantom limbs when he had to leave)
and every time his fingers touched
mine i felt it deep in my chest, like a
kick-drum pounding over and over again
(i thought maybe love like that could never end,
but really, he was just another dream waiting
to become a nightmare)
gah, i'm sorry, this is unedited and whatnot because i really can't make myself read it over right now. but yeah. the first part of this happened almost a year and a half ago and it's something i never told anybody ever, and i've been having nightmares about the second boy because we couldn't have happy ending and we really shouldn't have tried in the first place because we were both too broken to fix the other completely no matter how hard we tried. anyway, i had to get this off my chest so even if it's not the full story these are parts of it so please conscience stop bothering me now i'm tired of your guilt-tripping and ****.