it's like our skin is magnetic
only attracting the other's
hands and
elbows and
knees
always brushing
skin against skin
forever chaste and accidental

we didn't know each other
but the way he smiled at me made me feel like we did.
all teeth
and gums
and
warm
warm
warm.
i wondered if he could feel my heart
fly out of my chest
and land firmly
in his back pocket.

I scribbled down "*******" 80 times that night
with tears in my eyes and anger in my chest
when no one was looking
I still haven't figured out
if the ******* was
to you
for not being there
or to myself
for still wanting you to be

i'm learning to be less of a thunderstorm

so I lay completely still,
staring into the pitch black that almost seemed to be swallowing me,
and was soon greeted by sleep
rather than the tears I was so sure would come