I feel you next to me,
Closer than close

There is nothing to be said
Just touch

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The stinging wet cold
Melds with the dry heat
But I am not in the middle;
I am both at once

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A light on the horizon,
Amongst so many others

But this one is brighter,
Different

She beckons me forward,
And I cannot resist

Will she burn me,
Or keep me warm?

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As the rising sun hits its zenith,
We rise, as one

Let the power fill your body,
Strong and natural

We will win with love

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In between two places again

Never a clean break

I leave webs and tendrils wherever I go;
They draw me back once more

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The time clicks on
And I am frozen,
Unmovable
Even if I wanted
But I don’t
Let me sit here, undisturbed
I don’t know anything except what I can see
And I will find some peace in this moment.

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One foot in the future,
One foot in the past

I sit and wonder what the last
Moment here I will have,
As I am pulled back and forth between future and
Past

I feel as though I’m ready,
Yet I wonder if I am

What will this calm bring?

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My own self-censors
Are the harshest gates I know
Nothing goes past without approval
And the things that are and aren’t permitted
Have been beaten into my brain
By the world
And then by me

So it’s no wonder
That sometimes
Nothing flows forth.

Dam.

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As I walk into my future,
I feel strangely alone
You, so far from my spot in life
And you, falling ever far behind

Am I going to reach land alone?
How can I get there by myself?

Why can’t someone else save me for once?

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You hold needles,
Tiny sharp skewers
Pick pick picking away

A thousand lances over time
**** the strongest of animals

And you just won’t back down.

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The harsh edges of the wood dig into my shoulders;
Tired again

I have walked for so many miles,
And yet

The sun's glare has never changed,
Burning and unyielding

May I walk at night?
May I share this burden?
Or must I walk on,
Red-hot

From the outside out

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Can you unmoor me from these feeling?
The deep dark anchor-anger
Of powerlessness
To my own self

Of never being able
To escape the darkness completely
And breathe solely in the light

Everyone loves me for my strength, but
Can you love me for my weaknesses?

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You love pain
You don't love me

I hope that one day
With the passing of the clouds overhead
Your darkness passes you

And you can sit in the sun,
Well and truly

And not want to hide

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Liquid mercury sits in my heart
I think
What other explanation could there be

For the constant weight in my chest,
Never gone

Or the slow poisoning of what I know to be true

I’ve begged for a reason,
An explanation
So many times

But my eyes are dim with misunderstanding
And I am no closer to the truth.

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My love,
Were you ever really mine?

You shield away so many times I wasn’t
Sure
I cried so many times and you didn’t
Care

I force these words onto paper,
I know you don’t want them

And I angrily gather my things,
Once again
Disappointed.

Here I stand, with my heart in my hands,
And nothing
To show for it all

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Regretful tongues
Can’t take
Anything back

Regret now,
Guilt later,
And tomorrow?
Then comes the pain

Pinpricks inside my ribs
A slow squeezing of my chest cavity
My heart closes

No more for me, thank you!

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I stumble and
Catch myself

Did I do it again?
Ex-cuse
Me

That’s not correct

It’s not all me

It takes two to tango

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Car crash social life
No fire extinguisher
And now we're all dead

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Bend your ear, bend your ear!
I have three simple words for you
To hear
And I think you should consider

Love
Your
Neighbor

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We are two diametric ellipses,
Coming close,
To be flung far and wide apart,
But always returning back to each other

(At least in some form)

But I don't like this distance.

How can I move heaven and cosmos to stay in your orbit, and you mine?

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Could we walk down the beach?
I would
Take in the air,
Smiling so sweetly at you

And you would make me laugh,
Stopping every few steps to gather myself

Step closer and hold me, won't you?
The breeze cuts close
And your love is the only warmth I need

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I find
That I hold myself back, you see
I could wish upon a star
And I could hold my breath tight
But you still wouldn't love me back

I feel my eyes becoming darker
Little rings,
On the outer edge,
Floating like a halo
One of the darkest kind

Can you see the fatigue?
My heart can only ache so much.

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Would you have me twist myself more?
How must I
Think to be

I thought this life was mine,
And yet

They ask me to be beholden

I can't be who you want,
Nice and polite and quiet

And since we can't keep to ourselves,
I might as well let you down easy

You can go **** yourself

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The sadness gets ****** into my marrow
I can’t see it anymore
Is this happiness?

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Is your heart singing to me,
Or am I making that up in a daydream?

I have dreamed of that moment for so many nights,
Though I know I will likely never get it

Do I even dare mention it?
They say you shouldn’t name a wish

And I am not one to tempt fate

Not in this manner, at least

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I don't wish to see tears run down your face.
Not because I don't care,
Because
If I were to see just one
My heart might break on the spot

I need to re-frame these fears
Because in the end,
All it makes me
Is a coward
And I don't wish to be scared of
You

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I pull my heart from my chest,
And consider it with a critical eye

"You know,
You've gotten me into a lot of trouble,"
I remark
(As if that'll do much)

But I get no response

And as I return it,
I know I can't ask it to change.
Some part of me must stay un-varnished to the world.

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Your words, in the end,
Were no more full of substance
Than a rotted log

Did you mean it?
To lie, I mean.

Like a newly-grown sapling,
My words may have been naive
But at least they were true

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Fumbling in the darkness
It seems I cannot find my footing
Will you not give me a light?
Do you not care?

I must be listening to promises again
And not listening to the reality around me

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The smooth, strong lines of your body
Flow much like a river does,
Clean and soft on the edges

Oh, to be wrapped up in your current!

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I would live the nights since then
A hundred times over
If only I could feel your arms around me one last time,
And taste your lips,
Even through our bitter tears.

But then again,
"One last time"
Has an air of finality about it
That I do not like

I hope our orbits cross again
And if they do,
I hope it's with an air of
Finality.

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Snowcat tracks,
Quietly lead into nothing

A mountain shadow,
Quickly here and gone

How much have those eyes seen?
What do you know? Peace?

"Ah!
How I wish to be independent, live alone, and not grieve for anyone."

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Rose tips peeking forward into the light,
Pressing firmly on

"We know not what lies ahead, but to be afraid of the sun is to be afraid of life"

To blindly reach on faith
Takes a great amount of courage.

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As August fades,
So do does my nail polish,
And my memories along with it.

I hope you will stay in my heart.
But like my nail polish,
You seem determined to fade away.

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Talking to and thinking about a ghost, even though you're still here

For now

I can track the distance between us like two worn tires,
But it's still not enough

You are yet beyond me

Come back to me, please?
The distance may be great, but
I'm not done riding yet
And you still have so far to go

But I will meet you where you need.

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I long for the comfort of your presence,
With your arm around my shoulder and your hand in mine

I would have you kiss me sweetly on the cheek,
Feeling the warmth spread from there

To look into your eyes again,
To see the well of pain and hope and fight,
To know that my kisses bring you comfort.

What I wouldn't do to have that again

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Wishing I could reach out and touch you,
To see those freckles again

I sit here in the hollowness of my mind and body
My heart is a spastic amoeba, trying to contain itself and explode all at once

Can you see the light piercing my back?
Turned into a monster from these beautiful feelings

Do I let you know?
Do you want to know?

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As striking as you are,
So is your

Absence

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A fountain of blood coming from your nose.
I see you writhe, I see the quiet scream exiting between your teeth
No one can help you
I can't help you.

As the pool of blood grows beneath your head,
The blood doesn't stop
It looks disgustingly rich.
I can see your soul draining out,
Soon to be dried flecks, scraped off the pavement.
No one can help you
I can't help you.

A lowly feeling indeed

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As the lonely hours go past,
I idly sit and think of you

Sweetest wine of the rarest kind,
A rapturous note in a melody

And me,
Only too happy to take it all in

Just one more glass.
Just one more song.

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Skipping rocks across the water,
Trying to hit paper targets on the other side.

What a waste of time.

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Wanting to cry for a life I've never known.
Wanting to mourn connections I've never had.
Wanting to feel heartache over pain I've never felt.

Why is so much of my life skirting by the edges of human existence?
Wishing for, hoping for, wanting a life like others
So close to feeling fully human
But maybe I am Pinocchio

Almost, but not
Quite.

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Ah -
I wish you could see these stars,
Twinkling so sweetly in the night overhead

And the frogs, they
Be little,
But their chorus makes up for it

Synergy

Maybe the music is reflecting off the sky,
A magnifying glass for the light of the night

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I always find myself reaching, but
Despite my large frame I can never clear the gap

Gnarled knuckles, groping
But not blindly.
I know desperately what I want

If you could see how I felt
I would cut a most unusual figure,
Back bent and twisted as I limp on,
Hands shaking
As I struggle to carry this great weight.

But there is no rest for me

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The setting sun strikes the snow, and I
Can only take in the golden light
I imagine the trees dripped in honey,
Effervescent against the sky

Even the wind takes on a sweeter tone,
Sidling past the empty branches.

But not empty for much longer

Honey kisses the tree buds,
Drawing life and love and beauty

Soon we will all be singing.

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I refuse to keep my feelings down anymore,
Pushing them under like a hated enemy I want to drown

I will let them free,
A beautiful mountain spring bubbling forth
My tears and anguish will be seen,
Even if, like a far-hidden forest,
It is acknowledged by no one.
That does not change the beating of my heart
Or the breath of my lungs

And I will not silence myself,
Torturing my heart with this burden
This burden that I should not have to carry
Like so many rocks upon my shoulders

They are heavy.
And I am tired.
And I will not bear this burden anymore.

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Wide awake, dreaming
Hoping for something that will never be

My dreams always escape me,
One way or the other
And I continue to adapt

But I'm tired
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?

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I sit here an torture myself,
Running in circles but thinking I'm moving forward.

Will I ever learn?
Why am I like this?
What's the point of it all?

To be happy, I guess...
So why do I do this to myself?

Why can't it be easy?

Too many questions,
Not enough answers.

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Tigers screaming from the pavements,
Nothing ever stays in line

Why do I have them to begin with?
They make me sick

Just bars in a cage I throw myself at I guess,
Too self-aware for its own good.

Can I let myself breathe?

Please?

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There is sadness in me
It's in my bones, no
It does not cling to them
It's who I am

Always at the root.
Sadness.

Why is it like this?

I just want to be achingly happy, every cell of mine

Screaming, "I'VE DONE THE WORK, NOW LET ME PLAY"

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